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To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/29/2011 4:54:11 PM   
Master09


Posts: 17
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline 		I found a great sub early this year and we've been in a long distance relationship ever since. She's currently studying at a university just shy of 200 miles from me. We talk everyday and the first couple of months was great we had a real spark and we shared a lot of similar life values. We both agreed to have a Master/slave relationship(not that we need titles) and we expected we'd live together at around this time but some economic factors have come in so I'm pushing this back until the beginning of next year.

But there's a problem. I don't know where I stand in the relationship anymore. This girl is to my eyes fantastic, hard working, family oriented, has principles, submissive, knows her place, considerate, bubbly, very sweet, etc. and I like her family. But things have changed a couple months ago. I noticed the communication broke down somewhat, I noticed I was doing most of the talking most of the time I called a little more then her and I sought her participation more then she did mine and I feel like she's somewhat more detached then usual, especially sexually. Maybe the honeymoon phase is gone, I don't know. I just know I talked to her about it and it's not getting me anywhere. There was a point where she would just crawl to me eager to please me and the last time we were together it felt like she simply wasn't in the mood(she said no a few times) but I didn't really care so I stripped her naked and had my way with her which she obliged to willingly thereafter.

I've adopted a relaxed approach to the M/s part of our relationship because to be honest I know that if I try to control someone else that's 200 miles away from me I'll be inviting nothing but headaches so I keep it simple, I tell her call me when she wakes up in the morning to let me know what she's doing that day etc and we talk later in the night. I haven't had the chance to live with her so training her according to the way I want her to behave and putting discipline in place to establish this dynamic has made it hard.

I used to think that her living with me would make things "alright" but I don't know at this point. She and I have never been in a M/s relationship but I feel like her current independent lifestyle is going to clash with what we both said we want and this has bled through in some of my experiences with her. I know it's my job to get her to submit to me more over time but as of right now the distance thing has been the problem.

So for the time being, I'm looking for things I can do to strengthen our relationship. I feel her interest level has dropped a bit and maybe some of you have dealt with this and can share what you've done to get things back to where it was good again.






< Message edited by Master09 -- 10/29/2011 4:57:19 PM >
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RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/29/2011 5:02:17 PM   
Sherrr


Posts: 61
Joined: 7/25/2011
Status: offline 		Your problem has got nothing to do with BDSM. Long-distance relationships are doomed to fail. Also, moving in with someone when you've never had a short-distance relationship is asking for trouble.

(in reply to Master09)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/29/2011 5:10:55 PM   
Master09


Posts: 17
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline 		She's been down here for a few months(summer) and it went on swimmingly. Also I know of more then a few relationships that weathered the long distance relationship phase of a year or more and it worked out VERY well.

(in reply to Sherrr)
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RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/29/2011 5:12:02 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		yeah, i wouldn't say they're doomed to fail, but they are trickier at times...
it's possible that there's something going on in her life that's stressing her out, or causing her to question if this is right for her. what does she say when you talk about it? you said talking is getting you nowhere.


_____________________________

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"Obey your Master." Metallica


(in reply to Master09)
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RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/29/2011 5:13:12 PM   
Sherrr


Posts: 61
Joined: 7/25/2011
Status: offline 		With regard to strengthening the relationship, has it occurred to you that you should talk with her and ask her how she's feeling about the relationship? Maybe she's not very into you anymore. Or, maybe she's simply preoccupied with school.

(in reply to Sherrr)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/29/2011 5:20:53 PM   
Sherrr


Posts: 61
Joined: 7/25/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Master09

She's been down here for a few months(summer) and it went on swimmingly. Also I know of more then a few relationships that weathered the long distance relationship phase of a year or more and it worked out VERY well.


How many relationships do you know that have been successful after going from purely long-distance to live-in? I am not talking about a partner that moves away and then returns. I am talking about meeting remotely and starting a relationship. Yes, it does sometimes work out. It has worked out with people in my own family. However, more often the arrangement fails, because the parties have not gotten to know each other well enough prior to co-habitating.

Another generally bad idea, in my opinion, is moving in together before the relationship has even reached its first anniversary. This goes for all relationships, not just long-distance ones.

(in reply to Master09)
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RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/29/2011 5:24:05 PM   
Master09


Posts: 17
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline 		She says she's been stressed with school, money etc. and she has. But even so I know things are different and it's nothing to do with that. It's subtle differences but it's there. I could talk with her about it, I just haven't found the best way to get her to open up about it. Sometimes you try and talk about these things and you just appear needy, seeking reassurance etc.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)
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RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/29/2011 5:25:16 PM   
obeyWORKlisten


Posts: 3
Joined: 10/16/2011
Status: offline 		Well, if I wanted to be bitchy, I'd say your problem is "She's in university and tired all the time and working her ass off, so back the hell off of her."

Seriously, university is so hard; being in any sort of relationship can be hard; learning BDSM is hard; long distance relationships are hard. That's a lot of hardship she's under. If you want it to work, find a way to take pressure off of her instead of adding to it. And, maybe get yourself on a plane and go and see her, even if all there is time for is coffee and conversation in the cafeteria. Until you meet face to face, you aren't really real to each other, even if you feel like it is mad love.

Also, if you want it to keep going, I'd suggest traditional writing, cards, little presents being sent, maybe giving her a special necklace or watch to wear to remind her of you.

But, mainly, I'd suggest that you make an effort to listen more and demand less.

By the way, it is perfectly possible to train someone to your ways, to a great extent, long distance. That's really not an excuse. Think of ways and implement them, and make sure they fit in her budget and time constraints. That's your job. If you cant' do that, at all, then don't call yourself anything like Dom, owner, Master, in charge or etc.

(in reply to Master09)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/29/2011 5:31:12 PM   
Sherrr


Posts: 61
Joined: 7/25/2011
Status: offline 		If you cannot communicate honestly with each other, you're done. You seem to be talking about her lack of eagerness to please you. Do you work on pleasing her? She may be submissive, but she's still human.

When you talk to her, are you really inviting her to express her thoughts and feelings? Are you letting her know that her feelings and her happiness matter to you? Or are you just complaining about her lack of interest in sex?

(in reply to Master09)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/29/2011 5:33:37 PM   
Master09


Posts: 17
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sherrr

quote:

ORIGINAL: Master09

She's been down here for a few months(summer) and it went on swimmingly. Also I know of more then a few relationships that weathered the long distance relationship phase of a year or more and it worked out VERY well.


How many relationships do you know that have been successful after going from purely long-distance to live-in? I am not talking about a partner that moves away and then returns. I am talking about meeting remotely and starting a relationship. Yes, it does sometimes work out. It has worked out with people in my own family. However, more often the arrangement fails, because the parties have not gotten to know each other well enough prior to co-habitating.

Another generally bad idea, in my opinion, is moving in together before the relationship has even reached its first anniversary. This goes for all relationships, not just long-distance ones.



I do get you what you're saying personally I never thought a long distance relationship would work for me. I couldn't imagine talking to someone daily over the phone with some shared hope for future together but here I am doing just that.

(in reply to Sherrr)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/29/2011 5:43:41 PM   
Master09


Posts: 17
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sherrr

If you cannot communicate honestly with each other, you're done. You seem to be talking about her lack of eagerness to please you. Do you work on pleasing her? She may be submissive, but she's still human.

When you talk to her, are you really inviting her to express her thoughts and feelings? Are you letting her know that her feelings and her happiness matter to you? Or are you just complaining about her lack of interest in sex?



Absolutely, I genuinely want to know her feelings because I want her to be happy. I'm honestly putting a great deal of effort to have something work for the both of us, it's not some one sided narcissistic endeavor. As for the sex, to me it's like the thermometer of the relationship, I didn't always think like this but experience in other relationships has been the eye opener for me.

(in reply to Sherrr)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/29/2011 5:45:36 PM   
withacherryontop


Posts: 16
Joined: 10/29/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Master09

She says she's been stressed with school, money etc. and she has. But even so I know things are different and it's nothing to do with that. It's subtle differences but it's there. I could talk with her about it, I just haven't found the best way to get her to open up about it. Sometimes you try and talk about these things and you just appear needy, seeking reassurance etc.



I say you will need to slow yourself down. You've known this girl for about six months, and you've probably spent very little actual time together. The problem with long distance is if you are only talking on the phone and taking fun-filled trips to see each other now and then, it's pretty easy to be exactly what the other person wants during the limited time you're together.

Sounds like this girl has a lot on her plate. And also sounds like she is inexperienced in BDSM relationships. So she may be doing some exploration and discovery on her own that she isn't ready to share with you. (For all the cliches about men are closed up emotionally, women are huge secret-keepers in a relationship; it may be that she is opening up about this stuff to her girlfriends).

To me, the key question is how much you like this girl on a vanilla level. Because in my experience, a BDSM relationship won't work long term unless you feel it could work without the BDSM stuff. If you move in together and one day she says, "You know, I'm kind of over the crawling on the floor stuff," would that be a dealbreaker? Because relationships change and evolve -- even BDSM ones -- and she may not want to do all the kinky,  my-masters-shit-doesn't-stink stuff forever.

(in reply to Master09)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/29/2011 5:51:41 PM   
Sherrr


Posts: 61
Joined: 7/25/2011
Status: offline 		If you are giving the relationship 100% and she isn't, then there may be nothing you can do about it.

It may truly be that she simply knows her priorities in life, and she does not want to screw up school because of a guy. Or, maybe her feelings for you have changed. She also may be rightly concerned about making such a serious commitment at her young age. Maybe she wants to date around, or to at least feel as though she can.

I agree with the suggestion above to listen more and demand less. If the relationship does fail, at least you will have done your best.

(in reply to Master09)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/29/2011 5:54:15 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		You just need to straight up ask her what is going on, and tell her the things you've noticed about the decrease in her interest in YOU. Sex, calls, what-not.

I also see a BIG problem already developing in just the little you stated.

She is going to school .. thus I am suspecting that she is going to have a full time career after she is finished with school. You state:

quote:

I used to think that her living with me would make things "alright" but I don't know at this point. She and I have never been in a M/s relationship but I feel like her current independent lifestyle is going to clash with what we both said we want and this has bled through in some of my experiences with her. I know it's my job to get her to submit to me more over time but as of right now the distance thing has been the problem


She is going to be independent of you is she takes on a full time career. Period. The time that I think you are looking for is not there. Not even now.. and in school you actully have more time to yourself than you do when you start to work full time.
I know when I come home from work, the last thing I feel like doing is taking orders from someone else. I dont know about anyone else, but when I get home from "the I have to do things" part of my day .. Im fucking TIRED OUT, and there is little time to rest .. let alone time to just get some "me" time.

Curious to know what your age differece is.

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


(in reply to Master09)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/29/2011 5:56:40 PM   
Master09


Posts: 17
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: withacherryontop

quote:

ORIGINAL: Master09

She says she's been stressed with school, money etc. and she has. But even so I know things are different and it's nothing to do with that. It's subtle differences but it's there. I could talk with her about it, I just haven't found the best way to get her to open up about it. Sometimes you try and talk about these things and you just appear needy, seeking reassurance etc.



I say you will need to slow yourself down. You've known this girl for about six months, and you've probably spent very little actual time together. The problem with long distance is if you are only talking on the phone and taking fun-filled trips to see each other now and then, it's pretty easy to be exactly what the other person wants during the limited time you're together.

Sounds like this girl has a lot on her plate. And also sounds like she is inexperienced in BDSM relationships. So she may be doing some exploration and discovery on her own that she isn't ready to share with you. (For all the cliches about men are closed up emotionally, women are huge secret-keepers in a relationship; it may be that she is opening up about this stuff to her girlfriends).

To me, the key question is how much you like this girl on a vanilla level. Because in my experience, a BDSM relationship won't work long term unless you feel it could work without the BDSM stuff. If you move in together and one day she says, "You know, I'm kind of over the crawling on the floor stuff," would that be a dealbreaker? Because relationships change and evolve -- even BDSM ones -- and she may not want to do all the kinky,  my-masters-shit-doesn't-stink stuff forever.


We've known each other for 10 months, most of our time spent together in person was over the summer. I KNOW this girl isn't exploring, discovering things on her own, it's not some belief or trust I have in her it's a personal thing that I know about her that I mind sharing here. I like this girl on a vanilla level, hands down. This girl is practical and a joy to be around and if the bdsm were stripped away it would still be a joy to have her in my life.

(in reply to withacherryontop)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/29/2011 6:05:33 PM   
Master09


Posts: 17
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX

You just need to straight up ask her what is going on, and tell her the things you've noticed about the decrease in her interest in YOU. Sex, calls, what-not.

I also see a BIG problem already developing in just the little you stated.

She is going to school .. thus I am suspecting that she is going to have a full time career after she is finished with school. You state:

quote:

I used to think that her living with me would make things "alright" but I don't know at this point. She and I have never been in a M/s relationship but I feel like her current independent lifestyle is going to clash with what we both said we want and this has bled through in some of my experiences with her. I know it's my job to get her to submit to me more over time but as of right now the distance thing has been the problem


She is going to be independent of you is she takes on a full time career. Period. The time that I think you are looking for is not there. Not even now.. and in school you actully have more time to yourself than you do when you start to work full time.
I know when I come home from work, the last thing I feel like doing is taking orders from someone else. I dont know about anyone else, but when I get home from "the I have to do things" part of my day .. Im fucking TIRED OUT, and there is little time to rest .. let alone time to just get some "me" time.

Curious to know what your age differece is.



Well right now she's finishing college. But we both want something and that is her staying at home. The degree is a safety net. If we need a second income we can have it. That's the deal. Right now I'm building residual income I want to retire early and it's working really well so within a year we both won't need to work unless we really want to so it won't be just her. I'll probably still be building income at a greater level but the NEED to do so will be gone. That makes life a lot easier!

I'm 26 and she's 21.

(in reply to JanahX)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/29/2011 6:22:59 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		Ok well I can only think of two things.

A. > You did or said something that really turned her off the last time you two were together.

B. > Theres another person.

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


(in reply to Master09)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/29/2011 6:24:45 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I'm thinking she's 21 and in college and isn't that into you because well..she's 21 and in college. She's ready to explore.

I would say if you can't sit down and talk to her about this then you won't be ready for a relationship with her let alone the type you describe.



_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/29/2011 6:54:40 PM   
Master09


Posts: 17
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I'm thinking she's 21 and in college and isn't that into you because well..she's 21 and in college. She's ready to explore.

I would say if you can't sit down and talk to her about this then you won't be ready for a relationship with her let alone the type you describe.




We'll have to have a sit down and talk things out, I probably just have to relax a bit also.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/29/2011 8:21:59 PM   
EmilyRocks


Posts: 357
Joined: 5/5/2011
Status: offline 		It was fun at first, but she got bored with pixels.

(in reply to Master09)
Profile   Post #: 20
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