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Bad Slave - 10/20/2004 1:19:15 PM

NotMe

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/20/2004
Status: offline

Hi this is an annoymous post. The whole its not me posting! I'd like some advice. First off I'm a bad slave and I dunno why. I would love to find that true form of submission. I know i am submissive, thats not the question. the question is, why am i so bad?

My motto is, if you can get away with it do it. I try and lie about being disobediant and sometimes do. We live seperately and some of the things I am supposed to do, I dont do. Whats the harm if he doesnt know and i dont tell him? No it doesnt make me happy and I dont like it (which is why i am writing) I just DONT like some of the things, so i go with the motto. I feel bad during and afterwards, wishing I had done as I was supposed to do. I'm also a very honest person and I'm not being honest. I disobey around him and I dunno why. I try and escape punishments. Why is this so hard for me, especially with it being what I want? Why do I struggle so much and do all i can to stop it from happening? Why am I so bad??!!

Could I possibly just be adjusting? I've lived by my own rule, explained nothing to anyone, was accountable to no one, and did as i pleased since I was 15. Oh there were always ppl out there who looked out for me and did as they saw fit in regards to me, but still

I dunno, I just wish I would stop this. when I dis obey I tend not to think of the consquences his disapointment, letting him down, ect ect ect. I just do it.

Anything else I'd like to add? He's a wonderful, great Master that I love dearly. He deserves better then this and I would like to give it to him. I know, I should just do it.. but when it comes down to :can i get away with it.. : these other thoughts dont come into my head. I dont think i'll feel bad, i'm usually perfectly fine with dis obeying at the start.

Why!!!! Why am i sneaking and lying, and breaking the rules?

Post #: 1

RE: Bad Slave - 10/20/2004 1:23:39 PM

NotMe

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/20/2004
Status: offline

And yes I'm disobeying right now. Sneaking and lying and I wish i wasnt. I'd love to be able to tell him, but i dont want to upset him. I dont want to disapoint him. So I'll keep it to myself and work on future good behavior.

Sound like a plan?

(in reply to NotMe)

Post #: 2

RE: Bad Slave - 10/20/2004 1:30:00 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Have you ever heard of self respect? It does wonders for people.

(in reply to NotMe)

Post #: 3

RE: Bad Slave - 10/20/2004 1:40:20 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

I see it as rebellion, and not self respect. I cant offer much advice since I still have abit of rebellion in me

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 4

RE: Bad Slave - 10/20/2004 1:42:32 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

Why!!!! Why am i sneaking and lying, and breaking the rules?

Because you are not a slave. Come back and try again when you've grown up.

(in reply to NotMe)

Post #: 5

RE: Bad Slave - 10/20/2004 1:43:08 PM

LadyBeckett

Posts: 865
Joined: 2/4/2004
From: Scotland/Tennessee
Status: offline

This is a fine mess you've gotten yourself into this time, Ollie.

Listen, if you have a good Master and you love him, then you need to sit down and tell him what's going on with you. Obviously this isn't something you are able to manage on your own. Honesty is absolutely the best policy, and in a relationship, if you want it to work, it is a necessity.

_____________________________

Lady Beckett

_______________________________________________

"Submissive boys yearn to fall into their proper place, so the rest of their life will." ~ Lady Beckett

(in reply to NotMe)

Post #: 6

RE: Bad Slave - 10/20/2004 2:04:03 PM

NotMe

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/20/2004
Status: offline

I expect to be flamed and put down and insulted. Thank you for not letting me down. This isnt a topic I've seen brought up here before. Its not one discussed. It goes against the whole idea. I know how the "clique" works, I've watched it for along time. How dare a slave suggest she is having problems obeying and even doesnt obey? Quick answer for the mindless wits : She's not s slave! Write it off. But has nobody ever had a hard time obeying? Has nobody ever disobeyed? Has nobody had an issue before? Of course not, the world is populated with good lay down and die for you slaves. (no questions asked) Its something they just jump into and its easy as pie for them.

I know I am who I am. I was at one time a lay down and die for you slave, years and years ago. To a very bad bad man. One that likes to control conquer and destroy. No he wasnt a Master, but yet he still had the know how of producing a person that he wanted some one to be.

My Master knows my struggles for the most part. He is patient and works with me. God love him

(in reply to LadyBeckett)

Post #: 7

RE: Bad Slave - 10/20/2004 2:06:30 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

How dare a slave suggest she is having problems obeying and even doesnt obey? Quick answer for the mindless wits : She's not s slave! Write it off. But has nobody ever had a hard time obeying? Has nobody ever disobeyed? Has nobody had an issue before?

Actually yes - but they weren't slaves either.

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 10/20/2004 3:12:48 PM >

(in reply to NotMe)

Post #: 8

RE: Bad Slave - 10/20/2004 2:27:43 PM

aliljaded1

Posts: 121
Joined: 6/20/2004
Status: offline

ive been in the lifestyle well over 8 yrs now. in the past i have been extreemly bratty and have tried to "stir the shit"
i believe it came from needing attention , even if it was negative. the thing is you wind up wasting time , not growing as a C/couple, and braking someOnes feeling of trust. one lie ALWAYS leads to another and another. i would suggest looking at Y/your relationship and asking yourself "what exactlly is it is that i need from this relationship"? try being honest w/ yourself first and foremost . imagine the tables turned .... its no way to live.
good luck , jade

_____________________________

**The mind is its own place,and in itself can make a heaven of hell, and a hell of heaven**

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 9

RE: Bad Slave - 10/20/2004 2:38:09 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I don't think this is a question of putting you down. Let's put it this way.

If you had a job and you didn't follow order's would you expect to be fired?
Why should it be any different in a relationship? Why do you expect to even have one if you cannot contribute to it?
You blatantly say you are a liar. No one should trust you. Especially the one person who should have the ultimate trust in you. How do you stop it? Do some thinking on your own. Find the answers within yourself. If you cannot find them, seek counseling.
Do you think he is a huge joke? That you should'nt listen to him? You should lie to him?

There are so many factors here anything is possible but we cannot answer it for you. Only you can.
If my Dom tells me to do something I find morally repulsive I tell him. I don't lie to him and say I did it. What sort of a person does that make me if I did?

Think about it, you apparently need to think about who you are and why you are doing this.

(in reply to NotMe)

Post #: 10

RE: Bad Slave - 10/20/2004 2:43:32 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

Oh Gloria -

You are so nice and such a good person!

See you soon?

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 11

RE: Bad Slave - 10/20/2004 3:06:21 PM

darchart

Posts: 35
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline

I do not see the posts here as flaming you really.
if you are not obeying and lying to him, then you are not conducting yourself as a slave.

I would like to ask one question. You say that you are being deceitful to him, and yet that he loves you and understands you. How can he love and understand you if he doesnt know the real you?

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 12

RE: Bad Slave - 10/20/2004 3:30:16 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NotMe

This isnt a topic I've seen brought up here before. Its not one discussed. It goes against the whole idea. I know how the "clique" works, I've watched it for along time.

How dare a slave suggest she is having problems obeying and even doesnt obey? Quick answer for the mindless wits : She's not s slave! Write it off. But has nobody ever had a hard time obeying? Has nobody ever disobeyed? Has nobody had an issue before?

I think you -do- see this question here, sometimes, however I think it's put much differently.

Your post isn't about one or two orders that you have trouble obeying, or one or two issues that you just can't get over. Rather, it seems like you're approaching this from an entirely different perspective- that misbehavior is something that you do, that you will always do. Period.

Of course sometimes people have trouble obeying. They do it anyway. Of course people have trouble doing things right.

You said "My motto is, if you can get away with it do it." Well, that seems to rather go against everything a slave is trying to do and be.

You seem to be saying "-make- me behave or I won't behave." Most don't see this as the definition of slave, or even of submissive person. While I'd say that each definition is equally correct as long as it works for the person, I'd also say that if you don't have the -desire- to obey, the -desire- to serve, why are you doing it?

There's nothing wrong with wanting to (consensually) be "forced" into submission, but to me it is a very different type of interaction than that which goes on between a master/mistress and a slave.

I think Gloria made a very good point in relation to self respect. I respect myself and my partner enough to admit to my mistakes as soon as I've made them, to confess to disobedienes and work my hardest to not repete them.

Do you get pleasure from getting around your partners rules? If so, why not find someone who appreciates that kind of interaction?

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to NotMe)

Post #: 13

RE: Bad Slave - 10/20/2004 3:34:04 PM

NoCalOwner

Posts: 241
Status: offline

You have some kinda contract, whether written, verbal, or whatever. You aren't following it. So maybe you're one of those people who has subconscious urges to mess things up -- but if so, you're not telling us. Maybe your owner isn't up to the challenge of someone like you -- but you don't say anything like that, either. Mercnbeth raises the possibility that you aren't, by nature, a slave, and while I'm hesitant to reach such conclusions about someone who I totally don't know, might it be that your contract isn't really what you want it to be? Sometimes people think that they have to compromise in relationships, only to find that a compromise relationship can become intolerable.

"I just DONT like some of the things..."
Are you being a brat, or have you agreed to things which sounded OK at the time, but which you simply do not want?

"Why is this so hard for me, especially with it being what I want?"
"We live seperately..."
If it really is what you want, are your needs being met? You don't happen to be feeling neglected or ignored, by any chance?

I think that you need to figure out whether or not what you and your owner want and need are the same, because it's not sounding that way to me. I don't know whether you can get by with some simple contract adjustments, or whether more drastic changes will be needed, but it sounds like time for a lot of direct and honest communication. And when you're done talking, don't forget to act on it!

(in reply to NotMe)

Post #: 14

RE: Bad Slave - 10/20/2004 4:20:23 PM

EStrict

Posts: 729
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline

I personally have a big issue with lying in relationships. If you are doing that, no matter what the reason, the relationships is not what it *should* be. To do so as a slave.... well, I won't go as far as Merc and say you aren't a slave, but I do wonder if you are *ready* to accept that part of your personality and all it entails?

Is the problem that you aren't together all the time (as in living together)? Would you attempt the same type actions if you were living together? Are you insecure in the long term stability of the relationship and in such fear the total commitment it takes?

I don't believe people here are flaming you either. I think Gloria said it best... but here's a question for you. Do you believe your dominant *deserves* the lying you are doing? Does he deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is being so dishonest?

_____________________________

Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to NoCalOwner)

Post #: 15

RE: Bad Slave - 10/20/2004 4:23:59 PM

Synocense

Posts: 255
Joined: 8/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

So maybe you're one of those people who has subconscious urges to mess things up -- but if so, you're not telling us.

Or maybe, just maybe, this is all about recieving the level of control you need in order to be truly fulfilled....consciously done or not.

Syn

_____________________________

Before you speak, ask yourself..
Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?
Does it improve upon the silence?

(in reply to NoCalOwner)

Post #: 16

RE: Bad Slave - 10/20/2004 4:30:12 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

I'm curious is this an online relationship?

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to NotMe)

Post #: 17

RE: Bad Slave - 10/20/2004 6:02:04 PM

susannah

Posts: 79
Joined: 10/19/2004
Status: offline

At the risk of sounding like a big sucker, I do come from a family of social workers, teachers and (gasp!) lawyers. I am no expert, but I've heard and read this, so, as I heard on this post one time "bring your own grain of salt" - but - some of this I've read in several different places, and it sounds like it could be true.

There's a theory (and it's only a theory, so please nobody shoot the messenger) that people who were not raised in any kind of conventionally "functional" family before the age of 10 or so take years after they leave their "family of origin" to make up for lost ground. They supposedly have problems with the whole concept of "delayed gratification" - working and waiting for something they want, as opposed to having to have it (whatever - a relationship, a piece of candy, a drink - whatever - Right Now (because if they don't get it Right Now, they think otherwise they might not get it at all).

According to this theory (which has a name I can't remember right now), they could consider themselves lucky to run into someone who wants to "help" them make up for the structure their lives lacked early on, but it might take awhile for them to realize they might benefit from it. Why? Maybe they weren't exposed to people who lived any kind of "normal" existence when they were kids - so how would they ever believe it might be better for them than what they've been doing? And, especially if early "authority" (read parental)figures in their lives were untrustworthy or mean, maybe?

I don't mean they had to have a "Leave It To Beaver" type of perfect family, but at least one where there they knew they were loved, and there was some occasional semblance of "structure", like "rules", like - go to bed at this time, and somebody had expectations of them for which they provided a decent (not perfect) example.

Whoever cares for them and tries to see them through this process (which, let's not kid ourselves, can take years) probably should be very patient, But - at some point, if they don't "pick up the ball" they end up scaring away those who care about them most. My dad used to say "We all get to play the hand we're dealt, because it's all we've got. Yours might look better, but I don't have yours, I've got mine."

Hope that didn't sound to "preachy"- I don't have room to talk myself - I was a Terrible teenager and young adult. I am surprised my one living parent is still sane, hehe..

- susannah

< Message edited by susannah -- 10/20/2004 6:10:52 PM >

_____________________________

" I had been my whole life a bell - and never knew it until at that moment I was lifted and struck".

- Annie Dillard (1945 - )

(in reply to NotMe)

Post #: 18

RE: Bad Slave - 10/20/2004 6:13:44 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

At the risk of sounding like a big sucker, I do come from a family of social workers, teachers and (gasp!) lawyers. There's a theory (and it's only a theory, so please nobody shoot the messenger) that people who were not raised in any kind of conventionally "functional" family before the age of 10 or so take years after they leave their "family of origin" to make up for lost ground. According to this theory, they could consider themselves lucky to run into someone who wants to "help" them make up for the structure their lives lacked early on, but it might take awhile for them to realize they might benefit from it. Why? Maybe they weren't exposed to people who lived any kind of "norma;" existence when they were kids - I don't mean a "Leave It To Beaver" type of perfect family, but at least one where there they knew they were loved, and there was some occasional semblance of "structure", like "rules", like - go to bed at this time, and somebody had expectations of them for which they provided a decent (not perfect) example.

Whoever cares for them and tries to see them through this process (which, let's not kid ourselves, can take years) probably should be very patient, But - at some point, if they don't "pick up the ball" they end up scaring away those who care about them most. Hope that didn't sound to "preachy"- I don't have room to talk myself - I was a Terrible teenager and young adult. I am surprised my one living parent is still sane, hehe... - susannah

Great post susannah, and very perceptive. I think maybe you hit the nail on the head here, although we don't know the OP very well. But she did say she left home at 15 which to me indicates problems at home when she was young.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to susannah)

Post #: 19

RE: Bad Slave - 10/20/2004 6:25:45 PM

merrymasochist

Posts: 156
Joined: 9/2/2004
Status: offline

truthfully, it sounds like you need to do some serious self-examining as to why you feel the need to disobey...

are you using it as a way to soothe some latent guilt because you want the punishment?
are you using your Dominant as a parental stand-in to work out old rebellion issues?
are you more into the easy fantasy of D's as opposed to the hard work of reality?

there are many reasons, but it's ultimately up to you to obey... no Dominant can substitute for personal self-control and from what you've stated, it sounds like you have some real problems with self-control...

good luck...

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 20

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