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Meeting for the first time - 10/30/2011 5:32:33 PM   
mysteries1984


Posts: 36
Joined: 3/9/2011
Status: offline 		This is purely for curiosity...but for any Masters or Dominants with sub/slaves, when you first met your sub/slave(s) IRL, was it in a more relaxed, 'vanilla' setting with time for a chat and a drink or whatever or was it formal and 'full on', maybe interview-style from the beginning?
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RE: Meeting for the first time - 10/30/2011 5:35:58 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		We met for coffee. We just chatted about everyday normal things. He asked me if I wanted to continue further onto dinner. I liked what I saw and heard so we went to dinner and again, it was just a normal date night dinner. Then we left, we found a little empty diner for dessert and well....let's just say I had very little interest in the dessert lol.



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RE: Meeting for the first time - 10/30/2011 8:56:10 PM   
withacherryontop


Posts: 16
Joined: 10/29/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mysteries1984

This is purely for curiosity...but for any Masters or Dominants with sub/slaves, when you first met your sub/slave(s) IRL, was it in a more relaxed, 'vanilla' setting with time for a chat and a drink or whatever or was it formal and 'full on', maybe interview-style from the beginning?


It's always informal. Just two people gettting to know each other. The notion is a first meeting turning into an "interview" seems distasteful to me; if that happened, it would suggest either (1) the dom is a control freak or (2) there is no chemistry

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RE: Meeting for the first time - 10/30/2011 9:20:45 PM   
InvisibleBlack


Posts: 865
Joined: 7/24/2009
Status: offline 		Generally, I plan some sort of casual 'date' where we can talk and interact in a normal setting. Just like any other date, I suppose. I don't have a checklist on a clipboard when I meet with someone. When we meet we'll either have chemistry or we won't, and just talking for a while will give a good indication of if we're mentally compatible and if our personalities mesh.

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RE: Meeting for the first time - 10/31/2011 1:02:33 AM   
HannahLynn


Posts: 687
Joined: 10/16/2011
From: where its fucking at.
Status: offline 		oh yea, it was about as relaxed and vanilla as it could possibly fucking be.

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RE: Meeting for the first time - 10/31/2011 4:22:32 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		It all relaxed and casual till it aint. I tend to be one for play on the first date. I tend to be really picky up front and dont date much.

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RE: Meeting for the first time - 10/31/2011 6:39:05 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		We met for coffee and then walked around the mall. Then we went to breakfast. Then we picked up sandwiches and went to the state park and spent all afternoon there. We had talked enough before that all the questions had been answered, and we needed to meet to see if the chemistry was there in the flesh as well.

However neither of us were looking for a cold relationship. We became friends first, we like each other as people. We love each other. That question about running it as an interview says to me you aren't interested in a full relationship, just a compartmentalized one.


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RE: Meeting for the first time - 10/31/2011 7:22:48 AM   
mysteries1984


Posts: 36
Joined: 3/9/2011
Status: offline 		Thanks all. Interesting. I was in communication with a Dom before that I didn't ever meet in real life but that was his plan. When we met it would be formal. I was wondering how much of 'the norm' that was.

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RE: Meeting for the first time - 10/31/2011 8:18:46 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mysteries1984

Thanks all. Interesting. I was in communication with a Dom before that I didn't ever meet in real life but that was his plan. When we met it would be formal. I was wondering how much of 'the norm' that was.


I did the formal thing once when I was an idiot and in full sub frenzy and it flopped. Not to say my experience is indicative of anything....all I can say is that afterward I resented him big time and in fact never spoke to the guy again. This was someone I was in contact with for a good while and on the phone as well - not just on line. What I think happened is that we started out well, the progression then went too fast because he got greedy...I was new and didn't really understand how to slow things down and look out for myself. I'm not blaming him, I take responsibility for myself- I did feel pushed though and in over my head. It was the feeling that I was fending for myself that alienated me from him, he wasn't leading me, he was taking advantage of me. In the end he lost everything when it might have turned out differently.

In general, I tend to think that the guys with poor social skills hide behind sometimes behind formality and protocol. It can work I think with two people who are well versed with it and know exactly what they want, but it can be a crutch to those who think it's a shortcut to a relationship. It's not. Relationships proceed in the usual ways and should usually be attempted by going about the usual types of things like just going on a date.

As far as my current relationship, we spent a good deal of time online and on the phone till we decided to meet pretty quickly. We planned on going to a college basketball game. That day we went to a park and walked about for a couple of hours, then off to the game, and then out for dinner. No kink, no sex. We hit it off and I was sufficiently intrigued to want to know more- so I was the one at the end raring to meet again. According to him, he knew I was the right one as soon as he saw me in person and he figured he'd wait for me to come around. For myself I really enjoyed my time with him all day and then at dinner I found myself looking at him and having the clear idea go through my mind that I'd like to spend some more time with him and I hoped I could.

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RE: Meeting for the first time - 10/31/2011 10:56:23 AM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		Depends on which one we talk about.

With Chael there was no specific D/s first-meeting, we met at work and it just flowed from there.

With my domestic it was "full on". He came over and washed my car while I sat in the shade relaxing and having a cool drink. Proper address and behavior were expected and given.

With the last person I tried to have a D/s relationship with, the meeting was casual at a Starbucks.

Added:

I tend, over-all, to find that those I meet casually first have the least success. Those I meet "full-on" work out the best.

< Message edited by RumpusParable -- 10/31/2011 11:16:40 AM >

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RE: Meeting for the first time - 10/31/2011 11:18:11 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		We chatted online for several months before we actually met. I'd arranged to meet someone else and had a short-lived and ultimately doomed relationship, so Master was just this nice guy I chatted with on cm.

When I finished it with the other guy, Master suggested we meet for a coffee. I thought he was nice, but wasn't sure he was what I was looking for. But, what the hell, I thought.

We met for coffee after work, sat and talked for 2 straight hours. Next date, he took me to the cinema. Then we went for a walk on the beach. We 'dated' for about 6 weeks before we agreed the D/s would start. This migrated into M/s, but we're still moving on and evolving into what we really want to be together.

We'd never have got this far if he wasn't also my dearest friend and my lover as well as my Master.

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RE: Meeting for the first time - 10/31/2011 12:00:08 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Back when I was looking, I established some rules about the first meet. Rule number one was: don't meet anyone in person you would not want to spend some time with as a friend. Rule number two: keep it casual; no full on sex, no full on BDSM, no full on D/s relationship. The few times I broke rule #2 it was (eventually) a disaster.

This also brought me to rule #3, don't get involved with someone so far away you can't meet on a regular basis.

Based on my experiences I have to recommend a more casual first meeting, even if one of you is flying in and you plan a few days together. If you can't come up with vanilla things to do together, then what kind of match will you be in the long run?

Also based on my experiences, and echoing Lizi's, I have used even planning for a first meet as a weeding out device. Anyone who's prime consideration was not *my* comfort level and in building mutual trust (as opposed too being too greedy too soon), was weeded out full stop.

Here's a truism, if a man doesn't take great care of you *before* he gets into your panties, he sure as hell won't do it later. B/c that's when he's on his absolute best behavior.

YMMV






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RE: Meeting for the first time - 10/31/2011 12:38:46 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Back when I was looking, I established some rules about the first meet. Rule number one was: don't meet anyone in person you would not want to spend some time with as a friend. Rule number two: keep it casual; no full on sex, no full on BDSM, no full on D/s relationship. The few times I broke rule #2 it was (eventually) a disaster.

This also brought me to rule #3, don't get involved with someone so far away you can't meet on a regular basis.

Based on my experiences I have to recommend a more casual first meeting, even if one of you is flying in and you plan a few days together. If you can't come up with vanilla things to do together, then what kind of match will you be in the long run?

Also based on my experiences, and echoing Lizi's, I have used even planning for a first meet as a weeding out device. Anyone who's prime consideration was not *my* comfort level and in building mutual trust (as opposed too being too greedy too soon), was weeded out full stop.

Here's a truism, if a man doesn't take great care of you *before* he gets into your panties, he sure as hell won't do it later. B/c that's when he's on his absolute best behavior.

YMMV







Thank you Chatte for putting it better than I did. This brought up a point that I thought was worth repeating- whenever we have a thread like this I like to make sure it gets put out there.

I set my own risk tolerance. Especially for a first meeting. Later he might be able to do that for me if I've given that to him, and committed myself to a D/s relationship with him, but in the beginning...that's for me to determine. So many people new to this (and old) let caution fly to the wind and think they aren't supposed to have a say in things pertaining to themselves or that there are some set of rules you are supposed to follow. No, you determine what your boundaries are yourself.

No one else has the right to do that for me before I commit to him. I don't care if a Dominant calls that fake, or not submissive, or what have you, but no one on this earth decides what I will do or what I am comfortable with except for me - until I hand the reins over. I didn't have my own priorities straight back then and fumbled a bit before I realized that it was *my* responsibility. I needed to step up and be intensely aware of what I was comfortable with, set my own risk tolerance level, and then make sure others abided by it.

As Chatte also pointed out, it becomes a great weeding out tool for those potentials who have their own needs as their primary and perhaps only motive. The fact that the man I'm with now decided to sit back and wait for me is one reason why we're still together. In fact, that's a big thing I truly adore about him ever since the beginning. Whenever I run into a time when I need to do something else besides him (school, my sons, etc) he says "Go ahead, take care of things, I'll be here when you're finished." It just takes the pressure right off of me and makes me eager to get back. No big, bad, Dominant blustering at me that he's the most important thing. The fact that he's willing to put himself second make me WANT to put him first. Funny how that works...

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RE: Meeting for the first time - 10/31/2011 12:45:08 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

It all relaxed and casual till it aint. I tend to be one for play on the first date. I tend to be really picky up front and dont date much.


This.

I (almost) always meet somewhere neutral. Sometimes we don't play on the first meet. Sometimes that's the entire point.

I do want BOTH of us to be relaxed and "safe", however we're defining that. There is certainly no ME DOM YOU SUB hooey, we're just two people meeting, and if anything happens, then it does. I don't need a "relationship" to have a great time playing, and for reasons unknown to me, total strangers trust me. (Yes, I am utterly trustworthy, but how do they KNOW?)

I mainly top men. How many men are going to want to hook up with a top woman and NOT play ASAP? Me, I figure if the entertainment factor is high enough, I want to be entertained.

I might be a Secret Guy. I recently found out that I might be a Daddy, so who knows.

My basic rule: Don't do anything you don't want to do, whether you are top or bottom. No means no, and feel free to say it.

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RE: Meeting for the first time - 10/31/2011 12:49:58 PM   
mysteries1984


Posts: 36
Joined: 3/9/2011
Status: offline 		Thanks everyone for your responses. This is my first D/s relationship (although the dynamic is quite low-key as one or two of you may already know) and I was curious as to what others' experiences were. I didn't want it to come across as if I thought that approach was right or wrong...it was purely to satisfy my own snooping needs. Personally I would prefer what several of you have indicated - something a little more natural. I think that's important at first. The person in question I'm referring to was experienced and I don't believe he was hiding behind protocol as such...but as we never actually met, or even spoke on the phone, I'll never know. Relationships like that will work for some people and not others, I guess. It's down to personality.

When I met my current owner, it was for a drink, and it was very casual. I bought the first ones, he bought the next, and so on. It was very equal. In a lot of ways now it's still quite equal, but he knows if he pushes my buttons he can have the last word.

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RE: Meeting for the first time - 10/31/2011 1:04:53 PM   
CruellainAZ


Posts: 1
Joined: 10/22/2011
Status: offline 		Since I am looking for nothing more than a meet n' beat, I only have a few things I am looking for.

1. Do you have your own toybag?

2. If you don't have your own toybag, are you willing to acquire one by the time we meet? (I don't want to use my toys on someone and then get stuck 'with the bag' and having to wash all of that stuff.

3. Give me some examples that show you are a painslut, I've had lots of people who tell me they have taken 'hard abuse' at the hands of pro-dommes and either they don't know what hard abuse is or they were lying.

4. Are you willing to join the local club for a place to play. It will cost you $15 to join and $10 to get into the party (I live in BFE and I am not inviting you to my house) and you don't have to buy me dinner or flowers or anything like that.

5. Tell me about your physical disabilities or things I should know, like whether you are diabetic or claustrophobic.

Done.

Other than being able to take a lot of pain, who you are, what you do is unimportant to me. You don't have to be nice, you to have to be kind, you just have to hold still while I bind you. If you're married, you probably need to figure out ahead of time how to explain the bruises.

But I think I am pretty much in the minority here and if I were looking for a LTR the paradigm would be completely different.

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RE: Meeting for the first time - 10/31/2011 1:09:39 PM   
wittynamehere


Posts: 759
Joined: 2/5/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mysteries1984
when you first met your sub/slave(s) IRL, was it in a more relaxed, 'vanilla' setting with time for a chat and a drink or whatever or was it formal and 'full on', maybe interview-style?

With both my girls, we had been getting to know each other online for years before meeting up for the first time, so there was little need for an interview, nor was there a need to have a "vanilla date". We went from the initial hug to the raping in under an hour.


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RE: Meeting for the first time - 10/31/2011 1:25:49 PM   
oneluckysub


Posts: 47
Joined: 7/26/2010
From: Chicago
Status: offline 		I met my last guy on CM and we chatted for about a week before we scheduled a casual date. That lasted about 7 hours doing just vanilla casual dating stuff. After a few weeks of dating, we had an overnight together but the "playing" did not start until a few weeks after that. It was the best way for me to progress with him as I wont play with someone that I am not comfortable with and trust on some level.

To some people it might seem like forever but to us it was the way it should have been.

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RE: Meeting for the first time - 10/31/2011 5:53:33 PM   
Endivius


Posts: 1238
Joined: 8/22/2011
Status: offline 		With my last pair, I met the sub at a hot tub gathering doing shots of SoCo and bullshitting about the A&M football team. We spent the majority of the night just plain talking in a big group, every once in a while I would see her shooting me a look, and then she'd quickly look away. I knew she was interested, so I flirted a bit, and then sent her home alone. Few days later we started our relationship. My slave was her best friend and roomate. We had all become good friends and things just fell into place.

I would say it really depends on chemistry. I knew I could have had Penny the night I met her. There was no doubt of that, I also knew that I wanted more than sex from her. She was more than just attractive she was interesting. She had a bold personality, but she covered her mouth when she smiled. It was a huge oxymoron, and it really facinated me. Here was this confident, pretty, out going personality that covered her mouth when she smiled! In fact I teased her about it the first time I saw her do it. It's all about the person's involved. I don't think there is a right way or a wrong way, there is just the way that you feel about eachother. Follow your instincts.

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RE: Meeting for the first time - 10/31/2011 10:11:06 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mysteries1984

This is purely for curiosity...but for any Masters or Dominants with sub/slaves, when you first met your sub/slave(s) IRL, was it in a more relaxed, 'vanilla' setting with time for a chat and a drink or whatever or was it formal and 'full on', maybe interview-style from the beginning?


I have had meetings when it started and ended in the same place. I have had meetings where the chemistry was so strong that it moved on to elsewhere.

For me, its all about the chemistry.



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