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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 6:46:24 PM   
dcnovice


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LanceHughes has a wonderful Erica Jong quote in his signature: "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.”

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 6:53:07 PM   
ghita


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Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline 		No..you arent a bitch, nor does what you wrote come across as such. Im sitting here asking the same thing. And youre right, including the posting part. What IS the difference? I dont know....This time is more final than most....We spent time today separating bank accounts and bills and such, We spent less time yelling and just agreeing it was time to split things. Im not sitting here asking for sympathy....I write and post because sometimes its just how I vent the best. Is it right? possibly not, but a lot of times it helps me, so in a way it makes it right for me. I dunno. Maybe Im unfairly justifying things again because I want them to be ok....


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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 6:56:17 PM   
gungadin09


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Status: offline 		Good luck, and best wishes to you both.

pam




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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 6:57:48 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		I have to add, the roommates thing seems to be a temporary truce, not a solution. I don't know what the solution is, but if you've come to the roommate point before and were happier but not fulfilled, then why repeat the same thing that didn't really work in the end last time...? Unless I'm misunderstanding your postings here, it seems like you're repeating things in a circular way.

< Message edited by lizi -- 10/31/2011 7:03:44 PM >

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 7:06:55 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
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Status: offline 		ghita, I don't mean to be unsympathetic or harsh. The thing is, I have been there before, have watched others there and believe me, saw it a great deal in the area's I worked in. I can't say I cycled as long as you have, but that doesn't make me better... it just makes me who I am doing what I did.

Sometimes very firm, straight forward talk is helpful... sometimes not. I tend to go that direction when I see patterns and people stuck.

My heart does go out to you all. I hate to see the devastation for all... but clean breaks are better than the alternative, but most will try to do anything rather than make that break. And the break... the clean break... really is the easiest to recover from.

There is an old book called 'Preparing to Leave' that I used to recommend a lot. I've helped a lot of people take those steps and if there were anything I could do for you, I would do it... but you will be ready, in your own time. I hope you will find support systems and know how to wisely move through to getting yourself into a better position. You don't have to face it alone... but I think you are going to need to face it.

It really is worth it when it is all said and done.


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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 7:12:25 PM   
kalikshama


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quote:

In his justification the things he did didnt COUNT because there wasnt any emotional attachment, it didnt matter to him so it didnt matter at all. To him what I did was wrong because I have emotional attachments.


Been there.

quote:

If I own up and admit to everything Ive done wrong, I know things are over. Honestly Im ok with things being over because I think technically theyve been over for a long time, but I know that because of the anger he is going to feel for me, its going to cause a very less than civil separation and some very rough times for the UMs.


If you want to confess, see a priest. No reason to burden your children's father with it.

quote:

Part of me wants to just make the UMs my priority, stay silent, and stay in a relationship I am very unhappy in....and part of me wants to make myself a priority, figure out a way to come to terms with all the wrong doings in myself, and work on moving on.


My parents were able to continue to coparent after their divorce. My brother has special needs, and they've stayed close despite being divorced for 25 years. She helped him move last year and he's helping her with mold remediation expenses this year.

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 7:18:35 PM   
BKSir


Posts: 4037
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From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline 		Well, the only real input on this that I can give is, being a child from an abusive home, home which lead to it being a divorced home, I can say that "staying together for the sake of the kids" is not always (nor even usually) a good idea. They're not stupid and they can see and tell that something is wrong. That stress and tension between the two of you will slowly wear on them over years, hurting them more than the divorce ever will.

This is 2011, not 1932. Divorce is extremely common. More common than not, to be completely honest. It's not something your kids have never heard about and I can all but guarantee that they have friends of single parents (unless they're under 2).

You aren't happy, he isn't happy, what kind of message is it that you are trying to convey to your kids? That it's okay to live a lie and be miserable for years, lying to your children about the relationship? Just put on a good face and fake smile for 18 years or so so that the Jones' think you're fine? If they can't trust you about something like that, and believe me, they will and do see through the facade, they're going to have major issues trusting anything else either of you say or do, leading to problems in the future.

I should think that a better lesson would be that of "This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man."

Just my dos centavos, take them for what they're worth.

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 7:50:09 PM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
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Status: offline 		BKSir's post strikes a chord - the part about what you're modeling for the kids. I think people bypass that, they think staying together is better, but what they're doing is modeling unhealthy relationships for the kids to learn from.

A close friend is in a bad marriage and has stayed for many reason, one of which was his two boys (who are adults by now). He is astonished that they both have a nasty, unsatisfied type of girlfriend. Both sons run around trying to make these women happy and never succeed. What the sons have done is replicate the main relationship they've seen every day up close in all of it's dysfunctional glory. I'm sure him staying did some good things, but it did a lot of bad too.

One more thing that I think is pertinent, this man is inconsolable right now. He recently found that he has some serious heart issues that kind of came up out of the blue and are bad enough that his prognosis isn't all that great.. He's in his very early 50's. He feels now that he was stupid to wait so long to leave his marriage, he stayed because it seemed like the right thing to do, but he's wasted time that he can't get back. I know it all sounds like a made for tv movie, however he's sorry he spent so much time in a bad marriage for reasons that he now sees weren't as important as he thought they were.

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 9:47:54 PM   
HannahLynn


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From: where its fucking at.
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quote:

I really hope I can get a decent response or two with some good advice also.
well its not going to be decent, there might be the odd fucking dirty word in it, but the advice that follows is good fucking advice.

quote:

Part of me wants to just make the UMs my priority, stay silent, and stay in a relationship I am very unhappy in.
and exactly how the fuck would shutting your mouth and staying with the dogbreath be making the sprats a fucking priority? you do realize they are aware of everything right?

quote:

But at what point does a person know its time to give up?
i don't know, maybe around about the time you are running around fucking anybody but each other?

quote:

Im tired of being wrong. Im tired of being unhappy.
then stop. stop being wrong, start being right, and the unhappy will go away on its own. pack your shit, rustle the younguns into the car and leave. buh-bye dogbreath, have a nice fucking life.

there you have it. some good fucking advice. enjoy your new found freedom and start your life over as a single mother, and this time just don't fuck up. this time listen to your conscience and live according to your values and beliefs.

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 10:01:26 PM   
Iamsemisweet


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Status: offline 		Hannah is right.  Would you rather your children be exposed to an unhappy, unsatisfying and unfaithful marriage between their parents, and have them believe that this is normal, or would you rather teach them that people can control their lives, and move on to new lives in healthy ways?  I don't think anyone does their kids a favor by "staying together for the children."
Unfortunately, though, it is not as easy as just packing up the kids and telling the ex to get lost.  He has rights to the kids too, so you are both going to have to learn to work together to raise the kids, even if you are not doing it together.  That's whats best for them.


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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 10:06:11 PM   
JanahX


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Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		Youre miserable. Thats too bad.

Why are you choosing to live a miserable life? You only get to do this life thing once, and why choose to be sad, lonely, angry ----> all these negative emotons that relfect you and you pass on to the people around you?

I always wonder at people and why they choose to live a horrible existence. I choose to live my life as happy as I can, take good care of myself, and think things out carefully and clearly----> and I refuse to be a coward.

Keep making the same decisions and you'll stay in the same place ... but it sounds like it wont stay the same.. it sounds like it might actually get worse.

Gather some courage and start making some good choices. To be in a state of content really isnt that far away if you decide thats what you want. You just have to want it bad enough.



< Message edited by JanahX -- 10/31/2011 10:07:58 PM >

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 10:57:00 PM   
Iamsemisweet


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From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		It sounds like you are really unhappy OP.  If you don't make some changes, later on, when you are still unhappy, you will regret it.  Ask yourself, is your marriage salvageable?  What would it take?  Do you even care?

I had a client one time that was ending a 30 year marriage.  When I asked him why now, he said "the best time to do this was 10 years ago.  The second best time is now." 


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Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 10/31/2011 11:18:43 PM   
gungadin09


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quote:

ORIGINAL: ghita
We are back to being roommates again. Its not the first time we've lived this way. Oddly it seems to work for us. Well, not 100%, but we seem to do better during the time periods we are attempting to be roommates and not spouses.

Is the marriage over? I expect its running on its last legs. But we talked tonight, about why we were hurting and lashing out, and what we DIDNT want to have happen (neither one of us want to continue to hurt the kids in this).


i wish you well, but it does seem like you're going in circles. i suspect your talk will only help things temporarily. i think you're both avoiding what you know needs to be done.

pam

< Message edited by gungadin09 -- 10/31/2011 11:20:05 PM >

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 11/1/2011 10:49:57 AM   
wandersalone


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Status: offline 		Ghita if I can just add one thing having followed your posts on here for a long time, if you and your hubby do decide to separate have a think about giving yourself time alone for a while. I know that you have written about the other person who  makes you happy however leaving one unnhealthy relationshop and jumping into something else (even if already  in the second relationship) doesn't bode well.

If the guy is seriously interested he will allow you some time to  heal and work on your own issues without sex and emotions for another person getting in the way.

and then you can start modelling healthier behaviour for the kidlets

I wish you, the hubby and the kids all the best.  this is a difficult time for all of you but trust me, some people are much better as friends than lovers.


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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 11/1/2011 4:46:23 PM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		Look, I am an atheist, but this is my advice: Keep your mouth shut and go to church, even if you are an atheist or whatever as well.

Be discrete, as any woman ought to be.

If you decide to divorce, that is up to you.

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 11/2/2011 4:30:50 AM   
Termyn8or


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I can't pretend to have the best advice here, but I think one pertinent fact that hasn't been brought up is the age(s) of the kid(s).

The fact is that they are not going to grow up in a typical nuclear family, so as others have said there is no sense in pretending because they will know anyway. But there might be some merit to the idea of being roommates. Save money and time. In a single Parent household, how the hell can you work ? Send the kids to daycare ? That's worse than school !

It depends on just how badly you can't stand each other. Can you sit at the same table and eat ? Are you bickering over every last thing ? If you can be civil maybe you should be roomies. You have responsibilities to share, and this makes it easier.

You just have to agree that it's over and you both go out with whom you please. As far as going out and binging home Harry, Mary, Dick or Jane, that's a problem you both have. If you have to be discreet, then you do. Other people live somewhere too, and if not there are motels.

And back to the age thing, how long do you have to keep this up ?

Another thing to consider is that in this economy people are becoming very unlikely roomies. My sinister and I are going to end up in the same structure, and that is bound to be style-cramping. I can have a separate place and less money, or I can share and have more money. This is fact for alot of people these days. Living alone is expensive for alot of people unless they live in a closet.

Things to consider. And I do not think fessing up is a good idea. It does no good. Confessing is just a plea for forgiveness, which you might not get. It's a gamble that you may be better of not taking. Take it from a gambler.

T^T

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 11/2/2011 5:26:04 AM   
gorgeoushair


Posts: 114
Joined: 4/30/2011
Status: offline 		Have not read all the responses to the OP, but have you tried individual and couples' therapy? That might help you feel that you have done everything possible... In any event, in my view, no matter what you choose -- whether you admit your mistake or not, whether you get divorced or not, the answers will always be in your own head, i.e., how you feel and live your life will depend upon your attitude about things that happen around you, and towards what choices you have made -- and will make in the future.  Developing a spiritual approach (from the perspective of gaining some mental and emotional distance from things that happen in life) might also be helpful in this regard.  Just my experience and opinion. I wish you the best.

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 11/2/2011 5:43:30 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for 20 years.It didn't start that way, but the last few years were harsh on the kids. Like you, I stayed b/c to me marriage was a serious commitment, and I did not want to break the family up.

In retrospect I can see that was a mistake. I should have left much earlier, and I should have immediately gotten to a lawyer and done things to protect both me and our children. I didn't and that was another serious mistake.

I do not know your whole history with this man, and have no intention of judging you in any way. I can only speak from my own experience and say: It's sounds like it's long past time to get out and move on.






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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 11/2/2011 6:08:29 AM   
VirginPotty


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From: Virginville
Status: offline 		Ghita,
You've been going thru this as long as I've been posting.  This marriage sounded doomed back then and it continues to sound doomed. 

IMHO, those that stay together for the um's are doing more harm than good.  Do you honestly think that the um's can't sense the tension between their parents?  Sure it will hurt them in the beginning but then they can start on the healing process.  You can't put a band-aid on an evisceration and that's what trying to "fix" this marriage sounds like (to me).

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 11/2/2011 8:53:11 AM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		My advice?

Quit chasing tail.  Your tail, his tail, hell - tail altogether.

When you quit going around in circles with repeating patterns, maybe you will be able to get your head straight - maybe you'll be able to stop doing what feels good in the moment, but ultimately hurts you in the long run.

WinD



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