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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 11/2/2011 2:47:21 PM

angelikaJ

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edit: clarity

First. before I address this-

Couples couseling isn't working for you for whatever reason; it may be that you just don't like coming to terms with your behavior in that arena. it is not the most supportive environment for hard inner reflection, change and growth. You need someone there just for you as you manage this.

Get yourself a personal counselor and work on your Own self.

Now for this:

quote:

ORIGINAL: ghita

Ive lied and manipulated things hoping I could turn things around and end up with the outcome I wanted. Obviously that failed. I felt disrespected by him so I stopped showing him any respect. We've both done wrong, we both admit it. In some weird bastardly way I still love him.

There is someOne who makes me not-miserable. At this point Im not ready to give him up. No matter how many wrongs I admit to...do I think Im going to find happiness just by running away? Nope. I know Im not going to find happiness until Im happy with myself. But finding a way to put all the pain and hurt behind me will go a long way to coming to terms with myself.

I just dont know how to do it. Or how to tell him. Everytime I try things fall apart again and I give in and end up in a fetal ball in a corner somewhere promising to never open my mouth again ever.

Ghita, he may make you not miserable but before you are ready to be in a relationship you need to come to terms with what was and what is.
You need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and Like you and part of that will be being the best mom you can be for your kids. As nice as it might be _In my opinion_ you don't need the distraction of a new (or continuing feel-good) escape/relationship right now.

Take care of business: you and the kids and learn how to communicate in healthy ways that won't have you lying and manipulating to get you what you think you want.

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 11/2/2011 2:49:31 PM >

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 11/2/2011 2:58:48 PM

ghita

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Ive had quite a few people mention that fact to me....I *know* that...although I also know that knowing and doing arent always the same thing.

But yes, I know that I can not leave one relationship and immediately enter another without first working on me. At least not in any good conscious. Its something he and I have discussed actually. The fact that IF I find myself single, I plan on staying that way for a while. To concentrate again on being ME and being a mom and figuring out where I go from here.

In a lot of ways, I think couples counseling isnt working because we have been using a very kink-UN-friendly counselor. But hey, we use what the VA provides us with.

I also agree it might be very helpful for me to find my own personal counselor. I spoke up about that last week at our couples counseling session. Our counselor was going to do some research for me to find out what resources might be available for me to do just that.

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 11/2/2011 3:34:47 PM

tolovetolaugh

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As the child of parents who divorced when I was 8 I can honestly say it was the best thing that ever happened to our family. They were not suited for each other, and they are both now very happy with an amazing person who fits them just right, and who I see as great additions to my family.

UMs always know when their parents are fighting, or unhappy, and it makes them unhappy as they love their parents, and can do nothing about it.

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RE: What do you do when youve screwed up? - 11/2/2011 6:16:36 PM

DesFIP

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Divorce is always hard on kids. If the two of you are able to stop thinking that you ought to be spouses and instead become friends who are partners in raising the family, that's great. But to do that you need to respect each other and stop doing things to harm each other. Instead you talk out who gets what night out, how you are maintaining the house etc. And then keep your word.

But you have to be past the anger stage and be able to trust each other to act as grown ups. If you can't be civilized and rational coworkers in the job of raising a family, then you do better to end it.

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