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trying to cope with results of bad behavior - 5/25/2006 5:53:25 PM

yourgrrl

Posts: 22
Status: offline

Hello everyone,
this is the first time i have posted i am not sure i have my thoughts completely together so i apologize beforehand. i am under the consideration of a wonderful dominant who i have upset with some actions that were disobedient and disrespectful.we have visited twice together as She lives a distance away from mer and last time She was here with me for a month, i know She is the One for me and i hope i am the one for Her.
without getting into it i apologized to Her via email and sent emails afterwards (which i know now was wrong) followed by a few cards. today, after the incident occured tuesday morning She said She still needed sometime to sort things out and will contact me when She is ready and to stop pushing Her. . i am finding it more and more difficult to know what to do with my time and am trying not to dwell . with the long weekend coming up i am hoping we will be talking by then, sigh,, i was hoping to get a subs opinion on what i should do,, or any constructive suggestions.
thank Y/you in advance

Post #: 1

RE: trying to cope with results of bad behavior - 5/25/2006 6:33:00 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

Well considering the vague nature of this all I can say is if you want her wait and hope she gets over it, otherwise you may have to move on because of your actions...whatever they are. Hope you learned something.

(in reply to yourgrrl)

Post #: 2

RE: trying to cope with results of bad behavior - 5/25/2006 6:42:32 PM

LaMalinche

Posts: 2077
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline

Well, back off and stop "pushing her." Read, journal, get togeather with friends and play a game, do your normal routine.

How do you normally occupy your time?

Are you working on any projects (writing, crafts, puzzles), or self-improvement issues?

Take some time away from the computer so that you are not so tempted to email her.

Good Luck!

Best,

LaMalinche

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 3

RE: trying to cope with results of bad behavior - 5/25/2006 6:45:14 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I have been in this situation and all I can say is either what you did was so truly bad that it warrants you being ignored for days and possibly "released", or this is using the threat of abandonment as a weapon against you. I do not know which it is, only you can answer this, but I have had such tactics used on me in the past for silly minor things and it is abusive. ESPECIALLY if you already have issues with abandonment. I would think long and hard about someone that would leave you high and dry and insecure.. that is not what D/s is about. And people are free to disagree with me, and I could not really care having lived through that and knowing how painful it is to be left for sometimes weeks at a time, it is hurtful and not necessary MOST of the time. Unless you did something DREADFUL there is no excuse in my mind for this treatment... as usual this is only my opinion

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 5/25/2006 6:46:20 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to yourgrrl)

Post #: 4

RE: trying to cope with results of bad behavior - 5/25/2006 7:00:52 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

If this happened only Tuesday then as she said give her time to think upon it...If you push then more than likely you will lose for you will once again be disrespectful and disobedient.But I also agree with julieocenia on the abandonment issue, if it continues say to over a weeks time and she still has not contacted you then you may have to regroup and go on accepting the relationship is over.I know you feel she is the one..but she may not feel this way..give her time..occupy yours with family and friends do not look to try to resolve for the holiday/weekend it may not happen..have a life..live your life..most respect a person more for doing so then to lay about bemoaning your fate..be well..and best wishes...Tempting

(in reply to yourgrrl)

Post #: 5

RE: trying to cope with results of bad behavior - 5/25/2006 8:52:45 PM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

From a dominant individual's perspective, I would have to say that, depending on the magnitude of the issue, it would not be atypical for me to tell a servant of mine that I am evaluating the situation. If, as the OP states, this was a matter of disobedience and disrespect, I have to be honest that I would be considering whether or not this is a person who is truly dedicated to service, and, in particular, to serving me and mine.

Being the dominant hand in a D/s relationship is a position of heavy responsibility. If, before the relationship is even completely consummated, the individual is already disrespectful and disobedient, I would have to wonder about whether he or she is committed enough to deal with the complexities of training in our Household. A servant who has been around a while, has proven him or herself, and who has a "flash" of temper, resulting in disrespect and disobedience, may be given a bit of slack. Everyone has occasions where he or she blows up, and while discipline would be enforced, I would be unlikely to consider isolation and a need to step back from the situation to get some perspective with a long-time servant who lost it... but a new servant, barely starting on the road, who is unwilling or unable to maintain, even for the short period that we've been together, discipline and respect, is likely to be another matter entirely, and I will be honest, with everything I have going on in my life, I have to -seriously- consider whether or not I have the time, energy, and the willingness to deal with the potential of ongoing "drama fests" to take on a servant like that.

I would strongly suggest that you consider how much you wish to serve, and think about what this incident has taught you about yourself. I would journal -- note your feelings, your fears, and your thoughts about how you might respond in a similar situation, should it arise in the future and you are tempted to respond with disrespect and/or disobedience. Do not rush the issue, or you are liable to find yourself in the exact same situation that brought you to this place. Study, read, learn, and listen to the inner voices that tell you why you came to this place, and tell you whether you are truly yielding to this person you believe is your One, or whether you are acting in some other way that is not conducive to living long-term in a D/s relationship.

ZWD

quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub

If this happened only Tuesday then as she said give her time to think upon it...If you push then more than likely you will lose for you will once again be disrespectful and disobedient.But I also agree with julieocenia on the abandonment issue, if it continues say to over a weeks time and she still has not contacted you then you may have to regroup and go on accepting the relationship is over.I know you feel she is the one..but she may not feel this way..give her time..occupy yours with family and friends do not look to try to resolve for the holiday/weekend it may not happen..have a life..live your life..most respect a person more for doing so then to lay about bemoaning your fate..be well..and best wishes...Tempting

_____________________________

"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.
Bladewing Enclave

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 6

RE: trying to cope with results of bad behavior - 5/25/2006 8:57:34 PM

genvieve

Posts: 228
Joined: 5/14/2005
From: SF Bay Area
Status: offline

i personally believe that the submissive has every right to be told immediately with he or she has done wrong so that they may be able to rectify the situation. Not knowing the details of the severety of the offense, i would have to say that you need to decide whether or not the Dominant is worth waiting for.

Quite simply put, if She is going to punish you, She needs to do so. Or She needs to let you know that She is considering your punishment. In the meantime, since She is not dealing with you, i agree with others...find other things to occupy your time. you can lead a Dom/me to water, but you can't make them speak. Come ready with questions for the reason the decision took so long (there may be good ones), and for lots of appologies. But you may be owed some appologies yourself. Depending on the situation.

_____________________________

In the quietness of myself, i find myself at the mercy of Your hand.

Musical Wishes Design

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)

Post #: 7

RE: trying to cope with results of bad behavior - 5/25/2006 11:28:02 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: yourgrrl

Hello everyone,
this is the first time i have posted i am not sure i have my thoughts completely together so i apologize beforehand. i am under the consideration of a wonderful dominant who i have upset with some actions that were disobedient and disrespectful.we have visited twice together as She lives a distance away from mer and last time She was here with me for a month, i know She is the One for me and i hope i am the one for Her.
without getting into it i apologized to Her via email and sent emails afterwards (which i know now was wrong) followed by a few cards. today, after the incident occured tuesday morning She said She still needed sometime to sort things out and will contact me when She is ready and to stop pushing Her. . i am finding it more and more difficult to know what to do with my time and am trying not to dwell . with the long weekend coming up i am hoping we will be talking by then, sigh,, i was hoping to get a subs opinion on what i should do,, or any constructive suggestions.
thank Y/you in advance

Yourgrrl,

According to your journal, you had a similar breech in February where you disrespected her. I would think a second such incident would absolutely call for her to ponder on whether or not to allow you to keep your collar as it doesn't seem you learned from the first incident. You have some time. Use it in reflection of 'why' you are disrespecting someone whom you wish to serve. In all honesty, I do believe that while you should hope for the best, do expect the worse. I would not keep someone under consideration who is trying to gain a permanent collar, yet disrespects me.. which in turn, disrespects the very collar they desire.

I will hope for the best along with you.. the best being that you learn from your mistake this time and do not repeat it again.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to yourgrrl)

Post #: 8

RE: trying to cope with results of bad behavior - 5/25/2006 11:36:14 PM

becca333

Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline

I hate being ignored and waiting, not knowing - it's cruel and unfair.

But if this happened Tuesday, and you've emailed several times and send cards and emailed and ....

I think she's right to ask you to back off and give her time to think about it. After all, it sounds as if this is part of the problem - it's all about you and what you want, isn't it - you're not thinking about her. You disobey, then want lots of attention so you can be apologetic in YOUR way.

Stop thinking about yourself and put her in the centre. Wait till she's decided. It's not all about you all the time.

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 9

RE: trying to cope with results of bad behavior - 5/26/2006 12:17:29 AM

Calandra

Posts: 725
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline

I know that you asked for advice from submissives, but it might help to hear a Domme's perspective when they are angered or disappointed in a sub's behavior...

I try never to react in anger, even if I am feeling it strongly. Sometimes I can take a deep breath and restore balance... other times I cannot. I simply need a few hours/days to ponder what went wrong, why the sub misbehaved, and what MY responsibility was in the incident. Yes, you read that correctly - I seek to inspire loyalty and obedience and if my sub dosen't display those qualities, I have to consider that I didn't inspire them correctly.

For me it isn't "abandonment". I simply realize that when I've been hurt/angered/etc. if I respond quickly, my words will be very sharp and poorly chosen. Since I see "inspiration" as a keystone in behavior, I have to realize that it is wise to stop, ponder, and choose words (and possible discipline) carefully in order to be most effective.

Of course there are times that if the behavior is bad enough, I have to consider whether I had made a mistake in choosing this sub to serve me. I think something that important might require a few hours to a few days of thought. Face it, if releasing a sub was easy, chances are he/she wasn't the right sub for me to begin with.

If I were you, I'd take time to journal... ponder the behavior, what your motives were/are, what you hoped to gain. Were you acting from fear or insecurity? Were you wanting attention, or being selfish, or was it an honest mistake? What can you learn from this experience in order to never let it happen again? Put yourself in her shoes and consider what you would feel if your sub did the same thing... Maybe even consider what appropriate punishments and reparations you deserve.

We live in a world of instant gratification, where everything happens in fast forward. She has asked you for time, and if you truly respect her as a person (especially as your Mistress) how long would you be willing and able to give her to sort this out? Right now, she may feel that her authority is in question with you, and giving her the time she has asked for is one way you can prove that you DO yield to her. Sure, YOU'RE on pins and needles... so what? If you had never disrespected her, you wouldn't be. Constantly attempting to contact her to "settle this" might be yet another way you are placing your needs above hers, and might result in her releasing you... Think long and hard before acting again until she's had a few days to think.

Just my opinion as someone who's been in your Mistresses situation before...

Lady Kathryn
Athens Ga

(in reply to yourgrrl)

Post #: 10

RE: trying to cope with results of bad behavior - 5/26/2006 3:06:37 AM

yourgrrl

Posts: 22
Status: offline

Thank You A/all for the responses, it has been very helpful, i think Lady Kathryn said it best and yes i have been journaling, i will go on with things and come to Her when She says, not because i want , but because She wants. after all She is the center not this submissive,
yourgrrl

(in reply to Calandra)

Post #: 11

RE: trying to cope with results of bad behavior - 5/26/2006 3:28:46 AM

Calandra

Posts: 725
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline

Good luck however it turns out... ~warm smiles~

(in reply to yourgrrl)

Post #: 12

RE: trying to cope with results of bad behavior - 5/26/2006 3:40:26 AM

apb

Posts: 103
Joined: 9/21/2005
Status: offline

yourgrrl -

i sincerely hope you work things out. all i can do at this point is concur with the comments already made in this thread - go on with your life and let Her be ... She will come to you when She is ready.

Good luck!

_____________________________

~ apb

"This is who I am - you can like it or not. You can love me or leave me 'cos I'm never gonna' stop."
~ Madonna

(in reply to yourgrrl)

Post #: 13

RE: trying to cope with results of bad behavior - 5/26/2006 3:52:52 AM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

So ya messed up? Did she tell you she was going to ignore you for days on end and not let you know where you stand? D/s is a two way street, she isn't the center anymore than you are. It's about the TWO of you and both of you having your needs met. So, when she decides to speak to you again, you two need to share some very open and effective communication about the issue that caused the problem and its aftermath. In the meantime, back off her and do something constructive. Spend some time reflecting over the events and what triggered your errors, etc. Be brutally honest with yourself. If you can't be honest with yourself, how can you be honest with her? Is the problem a reaction to something she's said or done? If so, why are you reacting so? Figure it out, that's the only way to attempt to fix it.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to apb)

Post #: 14

RE: trying to cope with results of bad behavior - 5/26/2006 4:02:59 AM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

Yourgrrl:

I suspect (though I may be wrong) that you are feeling regretful and possibly beating yourself up a little bit. While disrespect and disobedience falls short of the goal you are striving for, consider the fact that it can be very difficult to feel and live your submission perfectly and completely while *not* in your dommes presense in realtime. ( If I recall correctly you said, you only saw her twice realtime so far). Maybe the first infraction was not corrected because you werent there to feel any consequences, so it was easy for you to screw up again. Also, possibley what you did or didn't do (since you didnt state the nature of the offense) may not be as bad as you think it was. This (Im sorry to say) *could* possibly be your domme having second thoughts and using your mistake as the reason to back peddle. I have experienced this, and if thats the case, its very weak indeed. Just some food for thought. Best wishes to you. :)

PS: I also think its a bit narrow minded for everyone to come down on you for your mistake and tell you to learn your lesson. It is my belief that if a submissive screws up repeatedly, it is most likely the responsibility of *both* parties.

(in reply to apb)

Post #: 15

RE: trying to cope with results of bad behavior - 5/26/2006 5:28:58 AM

LL1aintbehavin

Posts: 104
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

yourgrrl.
i can understand that long distance relationships are very difficult. to not have the One that you desire to serve with you is frustrating and lonley, i have been there.
i think the focus has to be on Your Dominant and pleasing them and being the best you can be, whether they are physically in your presence or not.
if this bad behaviour or disrespect is from needing more attention, then be honest and let them know your feelings. i am not one that understands misbehaviour to get attention as it is always the wrong kind.
if She wants time to think on your actions and the next move, then respect that and don't hound her. as others have said, reflect on your actions and the motivations behind.
subs hate to be cornered, hounded and pestered when something has gone wrong, everyone deserves that space.
i agree that if it turns into weeks then there will be fear of abandonment, but to give it a few days to show that you are willing to comply with Her wishes is important.
i hope this all works out well for you both.
aintbehavin

(in reply to marieToo)

Post #: 16

RE: trying to cope with results of bad behavior - 5/26/2006 7:20:53 AM

spectreandnectre

Posts: 401
Joined: 3/20/2006
From: nebraska
Status: offline

my opinion would be to give Her that space she needs but in my opinion no Dominant should take a long time they should at least let you know they are still around maybe saying something like i am still thinking but just wanted to let you know.

just let it go at this point and hope She contacts you soon

_____________________________

"When I see you, the world stops as if the only purpose in life was for me to please you."

(in reply to LL1aintbehavin)

Post #: 17

RE: trying to cope with results of bad behavior - 5/26/2006 8:18:05 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

Yourgrrl:

I suspect (though I may be wrong) that you are feeling regretful and possibly beating yourself up a little bit. While disrespect and disobedience falls short of the goal you are striving for, consider the fact that it can be very difficult to feel and live your submission perfectly and completely while *not* in your dommes presense in realtime. ( If I recall correctly you said, you only saw her twice realtime so far). Maybe the first infraction was not corrected because you werent there to feel any consequences, so it was easy for you to screw up again. Also, possibley what you did or didn't do (since you didnt state the nature of the offense) may not be as bad as you think it was. This (Im sorry to say) *could* possibly be your domme having second thoughts and using your mistake as the reason to back peddle. I have experienced this, and if thats the case, its very weak indeed. Just some food for thought. Best wishes to you. :)

PS: I also think its a bit narrow minded for everyone to come down on you for your mistake and tell you to learn your lesson. It is my belief that if a submissive screws up repeatedly, it is most likely the responsibility of *both* parties.

You're right, and only somone that has been dumped like that could EVER understand.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to marieToo)

Post #: 18

RE: trying to cope with results of bad behavior - 5/26/2006 8:41:56 AM

becca333

Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline

I hope it works out for you. Take this time to think about what happened, and how you can avoid that mistake in future.

And you're brave to go into a long distance relationship - I know how frustrating it can be. Throw yourself into all the other aspects of your life, and work on the hardest thing of all - patience!

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 19

RE: trying to cope with results of bad behavior - 5/26/2006 8:55:42 AM

babyblues

Posts: 80
Joined: 8/10/2005
Status: offline

no Dominant wants to feel suffocated and pestered to death...i agree with LaManche and i advise you to give your potential Domme the space she has told you she needs and remember who is supposed to be in charge...

i'm glad to see in your later post that you are doing just that....you've apologized sincerely so she knows that you're sorry for whatever you did....now i would show her that you have patience and that you respect her wishes...she will value you for it....

(in reply to yourgrrl)

Post #: 20

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