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Challenges and fear - 11/2/2011 9:11:30 AM

LillyBoPeep

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Just wondering, particularly for owned s-folk --

(this is kind of inspired by goings-on in General BDSM discussions)

if you're in a relationship where your limits are those of your D, what are ways that you deal with challenges or fear, with regards to something your D might want?

in my last relationship, his limits were "the limits" -- but, the one wall i ran into was, hilariously enough, head shaving. i have a lot of anxiety associated there because of a mishap that happened when i was a kid. any time he mentioned it, i'd just freeze up -- i actually started to cry once. hahaha
he started just saying it to mess with me (pfft, sadists!! =p) but he never actually did it. and i wonder how i would've reacted if he'd told me, in no uncertain terms, that he was going to shave my head, and that would be that.
during that relationship, i came to understand that he could basically tell me to do anything, and i'd do it. among the myriad of reasons for wishing he hadn't died, i wish we'd gotten to tackle this and see how it would've turned out.

i knew a girl who got her nipples pierced because her D requested that she do it. she was really scared of it, but she toughed it out and did it. i can understand the motivation for doing something, even if it's scary or painful, because it makes them happy; i guess think too much about risk of failure, and something like a piercing being something you can't take back. if it goes wrong, it's wrong for good. =p

so maybe it really is about trust?
there have been other things that i've done where, somewhere before in my life, i said "no way will i ever do that," but in that relationship, his energy was so compelling, and the pleasure he got from it, or seeing me do it, was more important than anything. but what about something that truly terrifies you?

the funny thing about fear is that it can be so ... i dunno, unattached from actual mortality. =p having my head shaved wouldn't kill me, it would grow back, etc etc.
fear is a complicated little monster.

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/2/2011 9:35:08 AM

darchChylde

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For many of us, especially women, our hair is a major part of our identity. It's generally the first descriptor of a woman: "She's a blonde", "she's a redhead". How often do you hear, "she's a tall"? And when changing something that is so strongly part of how you look at yourself, you really are doing something very like killing yourself. I personally would no longer be "the guy with the long, thick pretty hair" but "the guy who used to have long hair", spoken of almost like talking about someone who died. I know, I've been through this before in my late teens.

As far as other fears that don't directly have anything to do with mortality or safety, you'll often find that subconsciously we still identify with them on that level.

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/2/2011 9:50:24 AM

LillyBoPeep

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you're very right; i had associated a lot of my identity with my hair, and maybe that was what he wanted to challenge? i dunno. =p

have you had to face any very deep fears in the course of your relationships? was dealing with them only about placing trust in your D or was there more to it?

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/2/2011 9:58:12 AM

littlewonder

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his limits are my limits so when he tells me to do something I'm having difficulty with the first thing I do is talk to him, tell him my fears so we can figure out where to go from there. He'll reassure me or talk me through it.

I remind myself that when I got into a relationship with him that there would be times like this, it's what I signed up for being the person with integrity that I am, that I have to do this not just for him but for me and us. I also remind myself that he has not done anything that has ever caused me to distrust him and then I tell myself that it won't kill me....piercings can be removed, tats can be covered or removed, hair will grow back, etc....

And then I take a big huge giant breath, hold it and jump! And pray the entire time lol.

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/2/2011 10:30:38 AM

darchChylde

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My biggest fears are challenged just by being in a relationship. It seems that every new relationship I'm in, I have to get past the same series of major (and sometimes debilitating) trust issues again.I have a major problem being truly vulnerable to someone, and I don't mean getting tied up or anything but being truly emotionally vulnerable.

Everyone I ever loved in my life is someone I still love, no matter how the relationship ended. So letting myself love (and admitting it) someone new is like getting a tattoo: I am making a lifelong commitment to allow this person to have some sort of real power over me.

Add in my fear of real, permanent loss of that loved one (their death) as has happened in the past while still in my somewhat late blooming early emotional development stage; and I am unable to start to really care about someone without imagining getting that call and subsequently dealing with the after affects of losing them.

Then, I have to consider how after that first tragedy I ended up being the entire opposite of who I am now. I became cruel and sadistic (nonconsentual), and psychologically abused a long series of women over several years because I believed that since I hurt, everyone else must hurt. And if I did start to care about someone; I would literally disappear from their life. Which is how I got to california from georgia.

So yes; fear of love, true intimacy and vulnerability are still major challenges to any relationship I find myself in.

I think I've opened my Pandora's Box far enough on this post, I guess you just asked the right (or wrong) question.

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to littlewonder)

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/2/2011 10:39:16 AM

littleone35

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Master an i talked about limits before we even got into a serious relationship. If it was something he wanted to do that i was dead set againest and he insisted we do it then we wold not be in our relationshp iI is as simple as that. There was something i had to get over, it was something Master really likes but i had a bad expereince with it prior to being with him.. I told him about my fears but with time, patience anf total trust in him we got past it, now it is something i enjoy.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to darchChylde)

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/2/2011 1:05:51 PM

myotherself

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Before Master and I started our relationship we discussed our hard limits. I don't have many, but I was honest about them. His limits were pretty much the same, and we also discussed how absolutely immovable these limits were.

At one point early in the relationship he told me we were going to do something concerning one of my limits. I totally freaked, and I walked away from him.

I think he thought he could do a little mind-fuck with me and not go through with his threat, but I think he then ealised just how much I feared what he threatened. So we had a good, long honest talk and now I know he respects not just my limits, but won't use them even in jest.

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/2/2011 1:47:46 PM

LillyBoPeep

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head shaving is something i'd never have even thought to mention as a limit. it just ended up that way because he observed that it was a big deal for me -- i didn't realize how much of a deal it was either.
i'm not sure i'd have left him if he'd shaved my head, but i might've needed a lot of rebuilding. but as we never did anything like that, i'll never know.

but even within the scope of things that aren't limits, but just things that are REALLY scary -- or do you consider those things to be limits?
i don't see myself getting in a relationship with someone whose idea of what's reasonable conflicts very much from mine, just because those things are all part and parcel of what attracts you to each other. but i could imagine someone who put a greater emphasis on something i could do without, etc. the things i've done to date that would fall in that category haven't been particularly scary.

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Midwestern Girl

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/2/2011 1:56:02 PM

angelikaJ

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This has become a topic for me of late both in the sense you are mentioning and in another.

The sense you mean, he hasn't really pushed those limits much with me but recently I brought up 2 activities to him that I am afraid of and expressed a desire to explore those simply because I am afraid of them if the idea was pleasing to Him. Both involve pain. (I am not a pain slut and the pain He uses unless it is for aversive measures (punishment-rare) is of the sensual variety.)

The other is in a different context: I am in the beginning stages of menopause and last month had 38 yrs worth of PMS dumps on me it seemed. I doubted everything: my self, my sanity and both my suitability as a partner and my ability to serve Him.

He reminded me that regardless of how I felt (: terrified of failing him and especially of becoming too unmanageable in moments) I belong to Him none-the-less.

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/2/2011 4:37:05 PM

LillyBoPeep

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Is he more interested in pain than you are? Are you afraid of where it might go? If you get over the hurdle, or if you don't, etc?

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/2/2011 5:59:16 PM

DesFIP

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The flip side of my limits are his limits is that if he does something that makes me fall apart, then he has to deal with the fall out. He has to figure out how to put me back together, he has to figure out how to make me trust him again, how to get me to stop cringing every time he talks to me or looks at me.

Could he do stuff that would get that response? Sure. Is he stupid enough to do that knowing what he's going to have afterward is a crying mess who is afraid of him? Not at all.

We've been together long enough that he can judge from my response whether or not I can handle things.

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/2/2011 6:04:03 PM

agirl

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I don't really deal with them. I just get scared because I am scared. When the time comes I just do whatever it is because that is what I've always done with him. I just do it....what other choice is there?

To be honest, knowing I'm going to have to do *it*, like it or not, bypasses much of any angst there might be. I've already accepted that *it's* going to happen so all that's left is to dread it .........LOL

agirl

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/2/2011 6:16:35 PM

RaspberryLemon

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When he's asked something of me that scares me or terrifies me, I let him know. We talk about it. He explains things to me and I express how I'm feeling, and he'll assure me that I'll be ok. I trust him that he has a good reason to make me do something that I am so afraid of/averse to, and so in the end after he's given me a little encouragement, I just have to suck it up and do it. No matter how scared I am, I am a person of my word--it is my place and duty to obey and serve, to uphold my end of the deal here. Of course there will be times when it is challenging or difficult, but in the end it is for the best. I know this and that is what gets me through it when things are scary or hard--I will not fail my Master. I will not fail us.

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/2/2011 6:20:39 PM

LillyBoPeep

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That's the way it works for me; ultimately I don't want to fail him. Sometimes the mentle flip-flopping with really seriously frightening things is intense though.

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/2/2011 7:03:27 PM

NuevaVida

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We had something that we've been working on for some time - a desire of his that I don't particularly want. We were actually moving forward quite well until he forgot about some of the reassurances he had given me, and my trust in the process died. He still wants what he wants, but HE has to repair the damage. I've simply lost interest in that particular thing he wants, and my trust in the process was shaken.

I've told him I'll move ahead with whatever he wants, but if I jump and he's not there to catch me it will probably kill us. This is his risk to take.

So for me it IS about trust - trust that he will make sure our relationship is not harmed in the process, and trust in myself that I can pick up the pieces and move on, if it is.

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/3/2011 8:52:40 PM

IrishMist

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quote:

if you're in a relationship where your limits are those of your D, what are ways that you deal with challenges or fear, with regards to something your D might want?

Quite honestly, if he wanted me to do something, I did it. The other option was to leave.

As far as the limits thing...I could quote everyone else and say that 'his limits were mine' but honestly, they never, ever, came up. We never once discussed what I would or would not do. The only discussion we had was 'this is my house, things are done my way. If I tell you to do something, you do it." That was the end of the discussion. The only choice I had to make was to trust in him and accept that his way, was my way; and that his way, was the best way.

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/3/2011 10:48:09 PM

avena

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Unlike most of the others who have responded, his limits are NOT my limits. There are things that he would like from me that I am just not in a place to be able to give him right now. A good portion of those things are terrifying for me, although usually not for physical reasons. It's the mental and emotional responses that I'm afraid of.

There are other things that I'm afraid of, that I'm willing to face with D. For example, I'm terrified of needles, but I'd be more than willing to be pierced or tattooed, providing he was with me holding my hand. It's something we've discussed that I would never EVER have considered with anyone else. I'm the person who has anxiety attacks to the point where I get violent or I pass out just having blood drawn! So being able to hold that fear in check, for him, makes it pretty damn special to him.

He has a thing about not letting me hide from my fears, which is one of the things I love about him. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to fear. My own self doubts and insecurities happily run hand in hand with my fears, and turn me into a complete mess. He (figuratively) smacks me upside the head and sets me back on course. Sometimes I swear he's psychic and can tell when I'm setting off down the path of doubt. More and more often he deflects me before I even get started, even though I swear there's no way he could know whatever it is that was setting me off that particular time.

As for the limits I have that he wishes I didn't have...we're working on them. That's our agreement - as long as I'm willing to work on those limits, then he's happy...even if it takes years (or even if we never actually get there) to achieve them. I trust him to never push too hard at any of those limits. I trust him to back off if I tell him I need to take a step back on the path forward we've been walking with a particular limit. I trust him to let me fall to pieces when I need to, and I trust him to help me pick up those pieces, put them back together, and move forward.

One of the things I've found as we've pushed at a few of my limits recently is that I really do seem to need that 'fall to pieces' moment in order to move forward. Perhaps it's a sort of catharsis? I don't know, but once I get past that moment, it seems so much easier to move forward and challenge the fear (and associated limit). And I have to say, I LOVE the exhiliration that comes from realizing that I've actually made it past the fear that was holding me back!

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/4/2011 3:09:56 AM

SweetCheri

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quote:

challenges or fear, with regards to something your D might want?

You mean like everything they want?

I try remember that they love me and will not harm me. They will hurt me, Hannah Lynn in particular, but that is not the same thing at all. The pain is temporary and can be endured when it isn't exciting.

It is a question of trust, because I would never submitt to somebody I didn't trust to have my mental and physical health and my best interests at heart. I trust them, therefore I can submit. It is almost always difficult, but also very deeply satisfying. When the ability to trust them with control of my life goes, so goes the ability to submit.

I hope that makes sense, I am unsure. It seems to make sense to me, but, then again, I am waiting for the kettle to boil, so a lack of my morning perk me ups may be the issue.

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/4/2011 3:28:52 AM

TheFireWithinMe

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Yes it really is about trust - and picking someone whose wants and needs mesh with yours. I've been in such a relationship twice and the thing is that I knew that a situation like the one you describe wouldn't have happened because it would be something that a) they had no interest in and b) knew would fuck me up.

If that man is someone you've chosen carefully there should be no problem. Yes you'll end up doing things that you don't enjoy but it actually feels good afterwards. The odd thing about doing things that I didn't enjoy was that in an odd way they became enjoyable because I was doing it for HIM. I also knew there would be times when I wouldn't necessarily be having a good time because it's what I signed on for.

Hope this helps.

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/4/2011 3:43:10 AM

learnin

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Trust is the key to absolute submission. How can you bungee jump if you arent certain the harness is truly secure?

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