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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/4/2011 4:37:08 AM

IrishMist

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quote:

Trust is the key to absolute submission

Actually, trust is one of the keys to any successful relationship.

And now, I am going to throw a huge spike out there, which I know will ruffle ALOT of feathers.

There is no 'key' to submission. A person submits to another because they want to, or because they have to (in regards to authority figures, just to keep the PC folks happy

)

Personally, I don't think that you have to trust someone to 'submit' to them. I don't trust my boss, yet I submit to his authority.

Of course, I am just nitpicking...but hey, let's be precise here.

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/4/2011 6:26:14 AM

LillyBoPeep

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TheFireWithinMe

If that man is someone you've chosen carefully there should be no problem. Yes you'll end up doing things that you don't enjoy but it actually feels good afterwards. The odd thing about doing things that I didn't enjoy was that in an odd way they became enjoyable because I was doing it for HIM. I also knew there would be times when I wouldn't necessarily be having a good time because it's what I signed on for.

Hope this helps.

i think i'm talking about something different -- not necessarily just doing things that aren't enjoyable. i've been there and done that, and that, in itself, is an interesting challenge. but i mean those things that are really scary.
the way he handled the unknown minefield was just to not do something that neither of us had thought would be such a big deal. threatening to do it was "fun" and didn't significantly harm me in anyway. he was a good pick because his word was his bond; he said that since it was this huge thing in my head, he'd never spring it on me, and we'd work on it, but it wasnt something he needed so i didn't have to feel like a failure (i will make myself feel like a failure over something like that =p)
he was someone i could trust, more than anyone else in my life, but the irrational fear was in my own mind, and was just really complicated to deal with.

i could trust him to cut off my air or put my face underwater, but somehow this deep anxiety was the most difficult thing.

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/4/2011 6:47:42 AM

Kana

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

you're very right; i had associated a lot of my identity with my hair, and maybe that was what he wanted to challenge?

And that's why it's hot. It's one thing to take something that she doesn't mind, or is willing to give, it's a completely different ballgame when ya reach out and strip something that she thinks, inaccurately I should mention, that is a vital part of her being/identity/image.
And it's not just the taking. It's the setting her on the razors edge, making her weigh against self, tearing herself open, stripping some of her ego and identity to subsume her in the relationship. Hell, it's making her suffer through the torment of the decision and then it's aftermath.
It's the lessening of Her and the greatening(Is that even a word? If not, it should be) of It, which increases the Us.
And that's hot.

< Message edited by Kana -- 11/4/2011 6:48:12 AM >

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/6/2011 5:49:29 AM

DesFIP

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It's only hot if it works. If it leaves her permanently feeling undesirable and unlovable, it's anything but. Which means that before some guy reading this decides to do this to a woman on their second date, he better think twice.

You know her well enough to be sure that she'll come out of it well. And that's what's essential in scenes of this nature.

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/6/2011 10:12:01 AM

sexyred1

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I would not submit to everything that a Dominant wanted simply because I was in a relationship with one.

Especially something like head shaving. The point being that if I was with someone who really knew me, who really "got" me, they would not even ask since they know that is so important to me.

Things that seem hot to try are not always in reality. To me this is not a challenge or fear, it would simply be incompability on our part.

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/6/2011 10:25:16 AM

LillyBoPeep

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i guess it's just a matter of perspectives...

i do agree with Des, though -- it's only hot if it works out. if a D assumes to much, or is too cavalier, and it ends badly, then... not so hot. but that depends on each individual person/relationship and what line is being pushed, blah blah blah.

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/10/2011 11:32:56 AM

ScottFreakshow

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The thing about our dynamic is that we are equals. And both of us have a say in what goes on, or doesn't go on.
The difference is that is I trust him, completely and with no doubts that he will always put safety first and do the best for us (and in turn, me) so I routinely give up my side of it in favor of letting him take the lead.
As for the fearful/challenging aspect of it, before I met him I dealt with alot of anxiety and anxiety attacks so fear is not unmanagable in my life. Over the years I have effectively worked through it, finding out what works for me and putting it into action and thus, developed a mentality of "my goal is to rise to every challenge" whether I fail or not at least I did my best.
So yes, I am challenged all the time. No, my fear doesn't get in the way of much. Even my phobia of spiders is cooling off.
Hope that answered your question.

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/10/2011 12:14:49 PM

LillyBoPeep

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ScottFreakshow
developed a mentality of "my goal is to rise to every challenge" whether I fail or not at least I did my best.

this is a very good statement. with a lot of the things i've done, this is the kind of thinking that got me to go through with it. "this is going to be a challenge, but i can do it."
for me, it's a lot easier to be motivated by another person. =p

the hair thing, though, was something really complex, and i had never really dealt with such a strong reaction to something that seemed so insignificant. it wasn't about trusting him so much as a myriad of things in my own brain that probably would've caused some serious issues if he hadn't been the good guy he was. around the same time that he died, i was actually starting to come around, mostly because of this kind of thinking, and losing some of my own boundaries, which i don't really see as a bad thing.

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/10/2011 12:56:10 PM

ScottFreakshow

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Fear. Cunning, baffling and powerful.
I have a terribly irrational fear of spiders and for the life of me I cannot understand why.
I have gone over every detail of it looking for a reason and it`s just not there.
Eventually I stopped asking "why?" and started saying "ok, I am scared of spiders. What can I do to overcome that fear?"

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/10/2011 3:17:05 PM

DesFIP

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I see no reason to challenge all those fears. If we were at the zoo and he was taking the grandkids into the snake house, I would have no problem saying they freak me out and I'll wait outside for you.

My anxiety disorder is manageable, not crippling. And it does no harm to avoid snakes or spiders.

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/15/2011 7:42:50 PM

summerbrrreeze

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He knows my fears and anxieties and loves and cares enough to either ease me into something he really wants or to avoid it perhaps knowing that I may not recover. I'm thinking it is a mutual respect. I love, cherish, and dote on his every word, and he knows that I will do what he wishes; but is it worth my sanity? There is not much I fear or dislike, but having me hold or near a spider may push me over an edge I may never recover. I trust that he holds my best interest.

The hair thing may be a hard thing to get my mind wrapped around but I'm thinking at the most he might shave a little under my hair just to show me he can. This wouldn't damage me as much as a spider would. I don't think I have too much to worry about the hair though. He likes tugging it too much. :-)

This is my first post...pretty scary to put it out there but a lot of fun emoticons I can't figure out how to use yet.

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/16/2011 1:18:50 AM

ScottFreakshow

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I see no reason to challenge all those fears. If we were at the zoo and he was taking the grandkids into the snake house, I would have no problem saying they freak me out and I'll wait outside for you.

My anxiety disorder is manageable, not crippling. And it does no harm to avoid snakes or spiders.

To turn that around, it doesn't do any harm to overcome it either.
As scared as I am of spiders, they are pretty damn fascinating! Maybe that has something to do with it.

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/16/2011 12:20:44 PM

Lockit

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This is a very good read! Hopefully you won't mind my input whether it says much of anything or not. lol

I'm not sadistic, but I do have my moments and they most often come in the form of a mental or emotional challenge. I do get pleasure in finding a way to meet an emotional or mental issue, finding a solution by knowing my guy or even children and bringing them to a place where they are more comfortable in their own skin... life in general and finding happiness where something else interfered. I have been known to expect someone to face whatever it is and called sadistic... until we have success anyway.

I've had my own fears and even as a child didn't like being afraid. I would stand up and say... you can't beat me(!) and would face my fear. However, I did allow myself some fears, knowing at one point I would have to face them, but still challenged with one or two of them. One would be rattle snakes and the other heights. You push me on them and you may end up rather dead! lol You approach the right way and I will be okay with it.

So as a dominant and a parent dealing with many fears in the people I have loved... I had to approach the right way. I had to know them well enough to determine what the right way was. So far, I've done well with that... but... I could one day face a situation where I am wrong and not successful and I am not so stupid that I won't consider that!

Fear is a mighty force and can lead to a lot of other things that will hinder a person. From intimacy issues to life wounds or real fearful situations, I believe for the most part, if it hinders freedom or happiness or creates problems for us, it needs to be addressed.

One of mine used to hide behind a hat and his hair. He would cover his face, a lovely face it was and would hide somehow hiding from whatever made him fearful. I knew what all it was and worked with him for a long time, yet still he held on to the fear. Finally I knew it was time, he wasn't going to get there himself. He had to look himself in the mirror and the hat and hair were a way of not doing that and were a symbol of self protection he held on to. He was brave on many fronts... this was just something he used as a crutch in ways. So... when I knew it was do or die... I cut his hair and took all his hats. He would only get them back when he had overcome.

I think he hated me for about a day. lol Soon he wasn't hiding in any way. He was smiling and had faced what he feared and was glad he no longer needed a crutch that really wasn't very effective anyway. It might seem like a little thing to many, but to him it wasn't a little thing. It hindered self confidence, kept him from being free and happy and played a part in many things in life.

As for my own fear... I will even set the stage to face whatever it is. Even to the point of asking a partner to help me deal. Bring a snake close... not a rattle snake of course... but any snake... make a rattle sound... let me touch it... but make sure when I start to freak... gently and slowly remove it. When I called myself the Ice Princess because I couldn't feel or allow myself to feel... no one knew it until a friend of a friend saw it. I knew it was a lack of trust based in fear. I was young and because this guy saw it, I knew I had to address it and couldn't hide from it anymore. How to trust? I asked myself how to trust when you couldn't trust, for a week. I then determined... you just do it. You put yourself out there, don't focus on the fear... I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Be more afraid of having the fear than healing it.

I don't mean to simplify fear... there is nothing simple about it or its cure... but a willingness to face it and discover where it comes from and bravery enough to meet it, even slowly, year after year... is all I ask.

Speaking of hair... lol... in the last year my hair was to my hips and yes, I did sometimes hide behind it. It was sexy and that too became a point of contention for me. Would I feel sexy without it? Was I hiding behind it somehow? I mean... its only fair that I face things as I expect someone else to face them. So I cut it... to the middle of my back. Not enough, I still had sexy hair. So I cut it shorter... not enough... then shorter again. My god I hated it! ROFL! Now I struggle with age and an old hair cut... nothing to hide behind now... so I guess I better find a way or work on that damn personality thing! lol Never again... I shaved my head when my mom had brain surgery. I loved it, everyone loved it.. but damn if I wasn't fourteen years younger! This old lady thing.. minus the hair... I am still going to have to face and deal with! Damn it!

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RE: Challenges and fear - 11/16/2011 12:41:40 PM

LillyBoPeep

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That's a great post, Lockit ^_^ Thanks for sharing. I guess sometimes things that seem like huge hurdles may not be sooooo huge.

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