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Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/3/2011 7:04:31 PM   
revmick82


Posts: 51
Joined: 9/9/2011
Status: offline 		So you spy a potential lover. He's a cold assertive dreamboat of emotional unavailability. But wait he shows some signs of passion and vulnerability. What are the behaviors you look for to judge such things? After first contact, where does his assertive side become insufferable and unsustainable?   
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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/3/2011 7:22:22 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		I talk to him. Men will tell you straight up what they are, (some in so many words and with others you may have to interpret a bit) and when they do...believe them.

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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/3/2011 7:37:33 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		the cold part. I have zero attraction to men who leave me cold, who are distant and show signs of being unavailable to any emotions.

Why would I want to be with a man who can't love me?


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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/3/2011 7:39:46 PM   
revmick82


Posts: 51
Joined: 9/9/2011
Status: offline 		Good so far, but what are the behaviors you look for?

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

the cold part. I have zero attraction to men who leave me cold, who are distant and show signs of being unavailable to any emotions.

Why would I want to be with a man who can't love me?




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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/3/2011 7:44:14 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		behaviours? is distant, doesn't do much talking except maybe to talk about himself, seems aloof, doesn't share in his personal life, doesn't show emotions, tries to act all tough and macho, tries to pull off the whole bad boy image, refuses to be intimate, doesn't touch or like to be touched

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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/3/2011 8:42:54 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: revmick82

So you spy a potential lover. He's a cold assertive dreamboat of emotional unavailability. But wait he shows some signs of passion and vulnerability. What are the behaviors you look for to judge such things? After first contact, where does his assertive side become insufferable and unsustainable?   



If he's got a laugh somewhere deep inside of him that comes out genuine and hearty in a moment when his guard is down, I find that to be endearing. It will always draw me in.

"Cold" doesn't scare me off because in my experience, it's the rare person that is actually so cold. It can be such a treasure to find the heart of the man that other people don't always get to see.

Insufferable and unsustainable? If his cold assertiveness came through as immaturity. That would be much more difficult to take than having to wait for or earn his emotional response.

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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/3/2011 11:57:08 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		If he doesn't laugh or smile within the first few minutes, then I have no further interest in him and I walk away.

I don't want to have to dig deep to find the warmth within the man. If it's not there on the surface, then he's not the man for me.

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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/4/2011 2:57:34 AM   
SweetCheri


Posts: 228
Joined: 10/16/2011
From: Hopefully in my place.
Status: offline
quote:

He's a cold assertive dreamboat of emotional unavailability.
I take her off the list of potentials and walk by.

quote:

What are the behaviors you look for to judge such things?
The ability to love openly. She should love me freely, fiercely and foolishly. That she smiles when I walk into the room. That she cries and wants to be held at times. That she is afraiad of things and isn't afraid to admit it. That not only do I go to her for problem resolution,  but that she comes to me from time to time also.

Aussi, I want her to talk with me, not to me. To share with me her thoughts, emotions, fears, and hopes. She should take me into her confidence and hide nothing from me.

I look for confidence without arrogance, dominance without pushiness or being demanding.  Somebody who doesn't mess with my head or take advantages of my weaknesses or vulnerabilities. Somebody who will defend me always.

In short, Somebody like Hannah Lynn is, or Suze is becoming.

quote:

After first contact, where does his assertive side become insufferable and unsustainable?   
As soon a HE attempts to exert it, of course.


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Grandit je ne sais pas.


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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/4/2011 3:25:09 AM   
fragilepieces


Posts: 416
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quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

If he doesn't laugh or smile within the first few minutes, then I have no further interest in him and I walk away.

I don't want to have to dig deep to find the warmth within the man. If it's not there on the surface, then he's not the man for me.
I agree with this...plus being cocky is a huge turn off for me.   I dunno if I could tolerate a dreamboat either that term sort of reminds me of that mystery date game I had as a girl.  


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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/4/2011 6:38:07 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		i don't chase after people who play "interested but not interested."
someone who is cold is someone i will lose interest in; i want someone i can connect with, not someone i have to constantly wonder and worry about.
i'm mostly attracted to people with a genial nature to them, a person who isn't afraid to show emotions, but isn't ruled by them, either. someone who strives to be emotionless probably feels that emotions make him weak, and that's not something i'm interested in.

on first contact, i don't really know how to describe it, but i know what it is when i feel it. not smiling, as myotherself mentioned, is a bad sign.

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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/4/2011 7:01:37 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		I look for someone who doesn't take himself too seriously and has a good sense of humor, especially about life.

Someone who is capable of admitting when he is wrong and of gracefully apologizing.

Someone who is capable of articulating the full gamut of emotions (as opposed to merely anger).

Someone who does not have anger control issues, even when he is stressed.

Someone mature enough to maintain his own ego and doesn't need his constantly stroked.

Someone who knows himself well and is not afraid to be himself, even if that self has a softer less dominant side.

Someone who is not jealous or possessive, who can be secure in his ownership w/o having to make a big deal of it.

Someone who is flexible enough to always listen, but firm enough to know his bottom line and to express it w/o rancor.

Someone who can give me all the freedom I need to be myself, but knows exactly how to rein me in and get my obedience with a glance.

Where does my list come from? It describes the dom in my life. He's assertive when he needs to be about the stuff he cares about. And he has no need to bring me down in order to pull himself up.







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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/4/2011 10:16:36 AM   
HannahLynn


Posts: 687
Joined: 10/16/2011
From: where its fucking at.
Status: offline
quote:

potential lover.

this combined with this
quote:

emotional unavailability.
is like the fucking textbook example of  an oxymoron.


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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/4/2011 10:43:02 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

I talk to him. Men will tell you straight up what they are, (some in so many words and with others you may have to interpret a bit) and when they do...believe them.


QFT!!

If a man ever tells you some horrible thing about himself he is NOT being self deprecating!!

And coldness is a NO tyvm. The man that spends an eternity talking about himself, has no humor, no interest in others...utter turn off.

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[page 23 girl]



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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/4/2011 12:03:16 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: revmick82
So you spy a potential lover. He's a cold assertive dreamboat of
emotional unavailability.

At this point, I see nothing about him to consider him a potential lover,
unless by lover you are referring to a one time sexual adventure.
quote:

ORIGINAL: revmick82
But wait he shows some signs of passion and vulnerability.

For him to expose himself like this tells me he is hoping to get my attention,
and that I will see him as a potential lover. Otherwise, he would still be
the Emotionally Unavailable Stranger.
quote:

ORIGINAL: revmick82
What are the behaviors you look for to judge such things? After first contact,
where does his assertive side become insufferable and unsustainable?

If he were to revert back to being the Emotional Unavailable Stranger after
reeling me in, then I wouldn’t invest any more attention or emotion in him.
If he has an interest in me but feels he should act otherwise, than he isn’t being
true to himself, and therefore couldn’t be true to me.
 


< Message edited by poise -- 11/4/2011 12:27:07 PM >

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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/4/2011 12:06:59 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: poise


quote:

ORIGINAL: revmick82
So you spy a potential lover. He's a cold assertive dreamboat of
emotional unavailability.

At this point, I see nothing about him to consider him a potential lover,
unless by lover you are referring to a one time sexual adventure.
quote:

ORIGINAL: revmick82
But wait he shows some signs of passion and vulnerability.

For him to expose himself like this tells me he is hoping to get my attention,
and that I will see him as a potential lover. Otherwise, he would be he would
still be the Emotionally Unavailable Stranger.
quote:

ORIGINAL: revmick82
What are the behaviors you look for to judge such things? After first contact,
where does his assertive side become insufferable and unsustainable?

If he were to revert back to being the Emotional Unavailable Stranger after
reeling me in, then I wouldn’t invest any more attention or emotion in him.
If he has an interest in me but feels he should act otherwise, than he isn’t being
true to himself, and therefore couldn’t be true to me.
 




Remember in the film Magnolia, the Tom Cruise character gave seminars on how to get the babes by misleading them? I forget what game it's called now, but there are websites for it. Be what she THINKS she wants.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/4/2011 12:21:50 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		I don't think I watched that movie, sadly.
Do you remember In Living Color?
Homie don't play that!

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When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/4/2011 12:35:13 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

What are the behaviors you look for to judge such things?


quote:

but what are the behaviors you look for?


I don't think you can checklist your way into becoming emotionally available.

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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/4/2011 2:56:20 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You have a basic mistake in your assumption op. If he's cold and emotionally unavailable, then he isn't a potential lover for anyone with half a brain.

Look rev, the best thing you can do is not ruin yet another nice girl's life by teaching her through your actions that she's unlovable no matter what she does. What you need to do is go spend a couple of years in therapy getting over all your hurts, which have caused you to put up this wall to prevent people from ever hurting you again. Because it's no longer a wall keeping them out, it's become a prison fence keeping you in.


< Message edited by DesFIP -- 11/4/2011 3:00:35 PM >

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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/4/2011 3:24:52 PM   
kalikshama


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Status: offline

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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/4/2011 5:33:09 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		Most folks confuse assertive with aggressive, but the OP seems to misunderstand the difference between assertive and selfish.

Assertiveness, by its very definition, makes it impossible to be 'cold' or 'emotionally distant.' To be assertive means one chooses to express their feelings and listen to what others have to say.


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Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

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