RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable

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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/4/2011 6:30:59 PM

ummmmNo

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I am going to guess that you tend to be distant by nature, and it's hard for you to open up to people. But, perhaps, after a time, you get a little warmer and show a soft spot... or something.

My suggestions:

1) Be up front about the fact that you have a hard time being emotionally open, but that you are capable of it. (If you are capable of it.) That way any potential submissive knows what she's getting herself into.

2) Work on lowering your walls. It's hard to open yourself up to someone, if they aren't opening up to you. You can't expect a submissive to just lay herself bare, emotionally, but you get to be a "cold" as you like.

In romance novels, the cold, distant "dreamboat" has his heart melted by the innocent (usually) damsel, but those aren't realistic. This is real life. Don't expect that.

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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/5/2011 3:58:48 PM

withacherryontop

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Most female subs are not attracted to men they recognized as being cold, distant and emotionally unavailable, especially if that is the first qualities he puts on display. Women will run from men like that.

If a dom has those characteristics, those aren't the elements that drew the sub in. More likely, the man was charming at first and exhibits his cold side later. Now in some abusive relationships, the hot and cold sides of a dom do a job on the sub.

No offense, but anyone who uses the phrase "cold assertive dreamboat of emotional unavailability," thinking that will appeal to many women, doesn't really have much of a grasp on general female psychology.

< Message edited by withacherryontop -- 11/5/2011 3:59:24 PM >

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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/5/2011 4:04:47 PM

withacherryontop

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quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

Most folks confuse assertive with aggressive, but the OP seems to misunderstand the difference between assertive and selfish.

Assertiveness, by its very definition, makes it impossible to be 'cold' or 'emotionally distant.' To be assertive means one chooses to express their feelings and listen to what others have to say.

Well, I don't mean to bag on the OP, but he start another thread where he put up his "house rules." About 5 of them were vague things the dom pledged to do, like "remain curious." About 40 of the rules were specific chores and requirements he expected the sub to do, like ask permission to go to the bathroom. He seem flummoxed when almost everyone told him his list was silly, because he seemed to be expecting a lot of praise for it.

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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/6/2011 6:25:45 AM

catize

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Yeah, I saw it.....I can't imagine wearing a red bracelet instead of telling my Dominant "HEY, started my period today."

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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/6/2011 7:13:51 AM

Kaliko

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quote:

ORIGINAL: withacherryontop

No offense, but anyone who uses the phrase "cold assertive dreamboat of emotional unavailability," thinking that will appeal to many women, doesn't really have much of a grasp on general female psychology.

I've always been drawn to those people. I've always befriended the men (and women) who seemed to not care for anyone else. I've always, when waiting tables for 7 years in high school and college, took on as my regulars the "dickheads" who no one else wanted to wait on. I don't know why, but I have a soft spot for difficult people. We all have different challenges and how we handle them. Because someone has chosen to withdraw a bit from other people and even be brusque in their relations doesn't mean they aren't wonderful people once you get to know them. They're just not so easy to let people in.

So, yes.."cold assertive dreamboat of emotional unavailability" will be attractive to me.

Of course, so will "funny, outgoing, confident animal lover." I'm not gonna lie. :)

< Message edited by Kaliko -- 11/6/2011 7:14:33 AM >

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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/6/2011 9:44:39 AM

sexyred1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: revmick82

So you spy a potential lover. He's a cold assertive dreamboat of emotional unavailability. But wait he shows some signs of passion and vulnerability. What are the behaviors you look for to judge such things? After first contact, where does his assertive side become insufferable and unsustainable?

The word dreamboat, should be replaced with nightmare.

Emotional unavailability is not attractive. You will not change him. When men tell you they are bad, listen, don't take it as a challenge.

Sociopaths are quite able to show signs of passion and vulnerability; there are textbooks written on this and some of us actually have been with such men.

I would say RUN, pronto.

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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/6/2011 7:41:30 PM

atursvcMaam

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Simple suggestion, and i have not read all of the responses. If the fella is appealing, and you want to see what a jerk he will be in 6 months, take him to lunch, or let him take you. Watch how he interacts with the person (people) who serve your food. That is how he will be treating you in 6 months. For the most part this works male or female.

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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/7/2011 4:36:17 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: withacherryontop

Most female subs are not attracted to men they recognized as being cold, distant and emotionally unavailable, especially if that is the first qualities he puts on display. Women will run from men like that.

If a dom has those characteristics, those aren't the elements that drew the sub in. More likely, the man was charming at first and exhibits his cold side later. Now in some abusive relationships, the hot and cold sides of a dom do a job on the sub.

No offense, but anyone who uses the phrase "cold assertive dreamboat of emotional unavailability," thinking that will appeal to many women, doesn't really have much of a grasp on general female psychology.

Sorry but I am going to have to call bullshit on this one.

Time and time again I've seen people, quite literally make fools of themselves, over the sort of person described. They think they can either save them, or change them. They want to be 'the one'. Neither usually happens but they still keep lining up to try. Most especially if the person in question is successful/good looking.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/7/2011 5:14:08 AM

LillyBoPeep

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hahaha LaT is right on that one. =p i have a dearly beloved friend who got herself into quite a few ridiculous knots over a guy like this. those "unavailable dudes" often play the "brooding, mysterious" card, and a lot of chicks fall all over themselves for that.

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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/7/2011 6:48:46 PM

DesFIP

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Usually women who go for cold bastards are replicating their family of origin. So if their father walked out on the family when they were six, they seek guys who aren't available. Who treat them the same way their father did, by not being there for them. And they cherish the hope that this time it will come out right, that the guy will come to love them, be there for them.

Unfortunately they never will. The only way out of this is do get help with those issues and learn that you do deserve to be loved and not to accept less than that anymore.

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RE: Assertive Vs Insufferable - 11/9/2011 1:11:04 AM

stellauk

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quote:

ORIGINAL: revmick82

He's a cold assertive dreamboat of emotional unavailability. But wait he shows some signs of passion and vulnerability.

Any masking of emotions to me indicates - in specific situations - some degree of vulnerability (unless we're talking about someone with autism or Asperger's), particularly in some degree of interaction with someone else.

quote:

ORIGINAL: revmick82

What are the behaviors you look for to judge such things?

I don't judge people by observing specific behaviour or traits- it's too risky and you often wind up being wrong. Nor do I look for any sort of trait or behaviour. I take people at face value, and wouldn't consider forming any sort of opinion until I feel I can see or understand their perspective or get a sense of how they see and relate to the world and others. You can only get a sense of this from direct communication and face to face interaction. Projection is important. But then again I'm an empath.

quote:

ORIGINAL: revmick82

After first contact, where does his assertive side become insufferable and unsustainable?

Short answer is when it consistently rubs you up the wrong way.

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