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ORIGINAL: Dustyn

Lay the cards on the table and let him make his own choice.  No sense in denying yourself who you are just for the sake of another person.

As they said in Bulletproof Monk, "It's better to live one complete life than two incomplete ones."

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i don't have any books on the subject. all i learned, i learned first hand from my old Master. do you know of any titles of good informative books on the general subject that i might get from the library or something?

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ORIGINAL: Dustyn

I used to be very unassuming and frequently would try to bite off more than I could chew simply to help as many people as physically possible at one time.

Eventually, that free giving of myself led to me being abused in more ways than one.

You're first duty in this life is to yourself.  Not even children should rank above your own vested interest, simply because if you cannot be everything you can be for someone else if you are broken in half by trying to do too much all at once.  Until you get your own ducks in a row, how can you give them to someone else to care for, I guess you could say.

I know it sounds harsh and cold, but it's about the best advice that I could give you, shivvy.

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ORIGINAL: CanadianGuy

shiv, you're such a sweetheart, with a true submissive heart, I can absolutely feel that by reading your profile and posts.  I don't know you, but I still have an opinion.

I think you need and deserve more than what you can get from your boyfriend "Paul".  I also think that you still miss your first real Master and what he gave you and did to you.  Lastly, I think you crave to give yourself completely as a slave for a man who loves and owns you.

Advice?  I don't really know what to say.  I think you do have feelings for Paul but it's very unlikely that he will Master and own you, and that's definitely what you crave.  You NEED that, it's quite clear, at least to me.  Everybody deserves to be able to be themselves around their loved one, and you're having to hide yourself.  You can't even tell him the truth, let alone act on it, or be used properly by a confident and strong Master - as you crave.

I wish you luck, and thanks for sharing your feelings and asking for help.

Thank You for responding to my post. You are very kind and often respond to stuff i write, and thank You for Your kind words too

i know i prolly just sound really ungrateful, coz i know i'm lucky to have him, but if he would consent to be my Master, that would just make everything so perfect. But if not, then i spose we all have to make sacrifices.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dustyn

I used to be very unassuming and frequently would try to bite off more than I could chew simply to help as many people as physically possible at one time.

Eventually, that free giving of myself led to me being abused in more ways than one.

You're first duty in this life is to yourself.  Not even children should rank above your own vested interest, simply because if you cannot be everything you can be for someone else if you are broken in half by trying to do too much all at once.  Until you get your own ducks in a row, how can you give them to someone else to care for, I guess you could say.

I know it sounds harsh and cold, but it's about the best advice that I could give you, shivvy.

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ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

First things first.

Just get a conversation about BDSM started... you don't even have to ask him to top you yet, just start talking. Why put yourself at risk for higher or deeper rejection until you know how he feels about it?

You can do this by getting a piece of fiction or a movie and reading/watching it together and them say "I really like this in this story" and see if the conversation will flow.

Then if things seem good you can determine if he's interested in trying things out. Just because something is interesting doesn't equal wanting to do it in meatlife. It could be he does want to try things but then he has choices -- top, bottom, or switch. He may not be the role you are interested in so be prepare for the best or worse.

If he's interested but has no experience you may have to teach him. You can this is a lot of ways. Books, workshops, talking, taking things slowly, finding a mentor, even switching works for some folks.

I'm going to say very strongly that you shouldn't ask him for a collar because you don't think he knows what that means. Also a collar (for many of us) is a powerful symbol. You should do it only when you have a good connection and let's face it, you aren't even talking about BDSM in general yet.

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ORIGINAL: theRose4U

...I would lead into things this way, you're being intimate...whisper in his ear...spank me. If he recoils in horror the likelyhood is that your "big news" won't be well received. If he does it and appears to enjoy it you've already opened the door to your talk.

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ORIGINAL: feastie

There is also Different Loving, Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, The Compleat Slave, The Master Manual, Partners in Power (yes, Mr. Rinella writes from the aspect of the gay community, but a lot of what he writes is applicable to any relationship)...All of these are available on Amazon.com.

fanks very much for the titles. seriously, very much appreciated

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ORIGINAL: becca333

Those books are great, but if he's just learning I'd suggest you find something easy for him to start on - look for sites with short stories.  Choose and print off some short stories that show what you're looking for.  Some men won't read a whole book in cold blood, but they will look at a short story or two, which will get him interested.

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ORIGINAL: petcerina
The Story of O is a wonderful movie, but the girl did not have a job.  They did not display a reality.  It was more like a fantasy.  So don't think just because it turned him on that he is going to want to do it.  It's a lot more work than what he is having to do now, and he may not be up for it. 

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ORIGINAL: shivvy

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ORIGINAL: Dustyn

Lay the cards on the table and let him make his own choice.  No sense in denying yourself who you are just for the sake of another person.

As they said in Bulletproof Monk, "It's better to live one complete life than two incomplete ones."

Hello Dustyn,
 
Thank You for Your email. my problem is i find it hard putting myself first, coz i hate to upset anybody, or cause them hurt. But i do understand where You're coming from.
 
With respect,
 
shiv

• Watching secretary and cudling up to him when she is being spanked is not going to be noticed by most guys as something significant.
  
• Telling him directly that "you like being spanked" might make him play at it, or do it a few times, or just look at you oddly in bemusement.
  
• Telling him (as my current LRD told me) that "being spanked is euphoric" and it makes you feel all hot and tingly and possessed, starts giving him the information he needs to understand what you really want, and why you want it, how it affects you and hopefully why he would want to do it (again and again and again).

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ORIGINAL: LaMalinche

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ORIGINAL: petcerina
The Story of O is a wonderful movie, but the girl did not have a job.  They did not display a reality.  It was more like a fantasy.  So don't think just because it turned him on that he is going to want to do it.  It's a lot more work than what he is having to do now, and he may not be up for it. 

Shivvy:

The Story of O was written too spice up a relationship that had grown stale.  It was a fun tale.  BTW O did have a job, she was a professional model photographer.  Instead of just watching the movie, the two of you might read the story togeather (the book is much better than the movie).  A couple of other books to read are, "The Topping Book" and "The Botteming Book".  Another good read is "Venus in Furs"  http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/6852  and there is the online link for you.

Another thought that comes to mind about your quandry is that Paul may be intimidated to read a bunch of kink books, and in that case there is "Surrendered Wives" which is a book for 'nillas but has several similarities to D/s relationships. 

Please keep in mind that Paul is going to need time and space to adjust to any new aspects of your relationship.  You are going to have to work hard at keeping your emotions in check and away from passive-aggressive behavior. 

Feel free to PM me at anytime if you ave questions or concerns or just need someone to talk or vent to.

Take care sweetie.

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ORIGINAL: TopCurious0
"...For example, if you like being spanked:

• Telling him (as my current LRD told me) that "being spanked is euphoric" and it makes you feel all hot and tingly and possessed, starts giving him the information he needs to understand what you really want, and why you want it, how it affects you and hopefully why he would want to do it (again and again and again).

Don't think about it as placing yourself first, think of it as giving him the information *he needs* to understand that its OK to do these kinds of things in real life, and to be able to decide if he is or is not interested... As far as I know, you can't convert someone into the lifestyle, you can only help them discover it, and lure them into trying it and seeing if they like it and helping them discover what they want and enjoy."

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ORIGINAL: shivvy

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ORIGINAL: Dustyn

I used to be very unassuming and frequently would try to bite off more than I could chew simply to help as many people as physically possible at one time.

Eventually, that free giving of myself led to me being abused in more ways than one.

You're first duty in this life is to yourself.  Not even children should rank above your own vested interest, simply because if you cannot be everything you can be for someone else if you are broken in half by trying to do too much all at once.  Until you get your own ducks in a row, how can you give them to someone else to care for, I guess you could say.

I know it sounds harsh and cold, but it's about the best advice that I could give you, shivvy.

Hello Dustyn,
 
Again, thank You for Your comments.
 
i agree with the first part of Your message, about being abused and have in the past been manipulated and stuff by people who just see you as a easy lay and that, coz you just want to try and make everybody happy, and some people who know you just use you.
 
But i'm afraid i can't find it in myself to agree with Your second comment. i've always put kelly's needs before mine, and have often gone without and made sacrifices to make sure she's got everything she needs. i brought her into this world and she's my responsibility. i'm sorry, but that's just the way i feel.
 
But thank You anyway.
 
With respect
 
shiv.