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RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 3:12:52 PM   
andromeda06


Posts: 24
Joined: 8/8/2011
Status: offline 		I love this post.

I've always been happy by myself; I'm an only child. I just don't want to get Too comfortable. That's hard to explain but I see it in my friends.

There are men in my life. And I'm happy with what I have and the structure in which I've arranged it. It's just... not easy to find something really fulfilling. (I know this but it's one thing to know something and another to Know and Accept it.)

But this:

"You're free! Live, love, laugh, play!"

Made me smile. Thanks.

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 3:14:40 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

As for are you getting old? Yep. We all are. Every day. Sucks, don't it?



Beats the alternative!

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 3:17:17 PM   
andromeda06


Posts: 24
Joined: 8/8/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

That is so true.  Taking adequate time off to recover from relationships that didn't work out is important.  The length of time depends on the prior relationship.  The biggest mistake I made in dating was being too rushed to meet someone else, after a relationship ended.  I think I hurt other people needlessly, because I wasn't ready for a commitment, even though I thought I was.  I also think I made some bad decisions that I might not have made if I had given myself a little time. 
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

You say you took a year off, that's good. Might be this time though, you need longer.

Every relationship has its good and bad points and for some we need longer to recover and be ready to move on than others. When you are really ready, the right person will come along and you will know. Sounds all silly and stuff, but it really is the way things are.

As for which to look for first? As Semisweet said, it all depends on which is more important to you. Some would rather have a "so-so" kink relationship where the other connections and important characteristics don't exist and others would rather have no kink and the other stuff. Only you know which is more important.

As for are you getting old? Yep. We all are. Every day. Sucks, don't it?



God bless. I hope I took enough time off. I think I did. What's the marker? Is there a litmus test for that?

And I don't know if it really depends on the length of time of the relationship. I've known people who were devastated over the breakup of a 3 or 4 month relationship. I think it depends on the person and their ability to heal and find balance again.

I think I've found mine. I could be wrong.

I am getting old afterall lol.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 3:24:20 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Interesting that you're asking this as it's something I've gone around with myself. I didn't know about kink till a couple of years ago when I'd been single for about 2 years after a long marriage. When I discovered kink I jumped in wholeheartedly- previous to that I'd been dating vanilla and after I dated from both worlds. I discovered that while I preferred to have kink in my life, it wasn't necessary. the man was more important.

I did meet someone from here and have been with him for 2 1/2 years now, if we were to part I'd probably look here again and in vanilla places. Honestly, if I met someone vanilla I don't see the problem in introducing kink to him at some point- what guy doesn't want a shot at pleasing you in the bedroom?  

On a side note, I feel for you because I think dating sucks. I hated it. Doesn't mean I'll settle though because I'm very happy on my own. The longer I stay single, even with the bf/Dom, the more I wonder if I'll ever get to the moving in  or marrying point again. I like being here alone doing whatever I want. Sure, I love my man too, but there's something about living my own life that is very appealing, and being with a man, even if I love him, can't quite take all of that appeal away.

(in reply to andromeda06)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 3:33:30 PM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline 		THANK gawd for the "gay" bars.  People there self-select(ed) for "gayness," thereby making the search for good, gay people easier.  Pre- internet, you also "did" the face-to-face thing in a public place.

My first lover - whom I met about 3 months after coming out - and I both had "love at first sight."  I moved from Chicago to Denver 6 weeks after meeting him! We lasted 13 years - my expanding interest in BDSM being one reason we separated.  Took us a while, but are now good friends.  As a matter of fact, he's coming over tonight for dinner.

2nd LT was met in a Denver leather bar.  7 years and he died in my arms of AIDS.  Would probably still be with him, making that one be 25 years next year!  Ugliest man you can imagine, but that did NOT matter as to his submission, now, did it?

My "favorite" lover and I met in same Denver leather bar.  Love at first sight. AGAIN! (You lucky, lucky son-of-a-bitch!) Wish I could get that one back - lasted 3 years. <And that's all I'm saying> 

<other long terms - 2 each of 3 years - met in same leather bar>

Currently, there's one in the "negotiation" stages for long-term live-in.  I met him HERE!

That makes my "final answer" - Self-selection, then look for "good" ones.

< Message edited by LanceHughes -- 11/11/2011 3:42:50 PM >

_____________________________

"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

10 fluffy points
50 nz points

Member: VAA's posse

(in reply to andromeda06)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 3:35:55 PM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline
I know.  Unfortunately, there isn't some clear line.  I thought I was ready to jump in the dating pool right away after my marriage ended, but looking back I realize I wasn't.  I think I was kind of a walking disaster for anyone unlucky enough to become involved with me, for about a year. 
I guess you don't really know.  I have heard a year after the end of a significant relationship.  So, I guess you are good to go!  LOL. 



< Message edited by Iamsemisweet -- 11/11/2011 3:37:14 PM >

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to andromeda06)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 3:37:48 PM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline 		FR

I took a 14 yr hiatus from dating (and no I wasn't married at the time). I used much of that time for introspection...what did I want, who was I, etc.

I got lucky. After 4+ yrs on vanilla sites, I found CM and met Master within 2 months. Can't quite call us a success story yet by most standards, but I know I've found the man who is right for me.

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 3:44:33 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm wondering op, if the guys who turn you on are the stereotypical 'bad boys' and not the kind of people you can respect long term. Because if so, that's the problem. 

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to searching4mysir)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 3:55:17 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		I want to know what's in the water at that leather bar since you are able to find so many compatible people there. That's not a snark, just an amusing (and jealous) observation that you seem to have a place they all go.

(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 3:59:21 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: andromeda06

quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

That is so true.  Taking adequate time off to recover from relationships that didn't work out is important.  The length of time depends on the prior relationship.  The biggest mistake I made in dating was being too rushed to meet someone else, after a relationship ended.  I think I hurt other people needlessly, because I wasn't ready for a commitment, even though I thought I was.  I also think I made some bad decisions that I might not have made if I had given myself a little time. 
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

You say you took a year off, that's good. Might be this time though, you need longer.

Every relationship has its good and bad points and for some we need longer to recover and be ready to move on than others. When you are really ready, the right person will come along and you will know. Sounds all silly and stuff, but it really is the way things are.

As for which to look for first? As Semisweet said, it all depends on which is more important to you. Some would rather have a "so-so" kink relationship where the other connections and important characteristics don't exist and others would rather have no kink and the other stuff. Only you know which is more important.

As for are you getting old? Yep. We all are. Every day. Sucks, don't it?



God bless. I hope I took enough time off. I think I did. What's the marker? Is there a litmus test for that?

And I don't know if it really depends on the length of time of the relationship. I've known people who were devastated over the breakup of a 3 or 4 month relationship. I think it depends on the person and their ability to heal and find balance again.

I think I've found mine. I could be wrong.

I am getting old afterall lol.



It's not the "time" the relationship lasted. It is the time it takes to get over it. That is determined by the relationship and it's value and importance in your life.

How do you know? When you stop finding things wrong in a person and meet that person that whatever faults they do have don't mean much.

(in reply to andromeda06)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 4:29:45 PM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
I want to know what's in the water at that leather bar since you are able to find so many compatible people there. That's not a snark, just an amusing (and jealous) observation that you seem to have a place they all go.

Didn't take it as "snark."  Not sure how one could take it as such.

Like attracts like.  I think (again) that gay, subbie leathermen (who are what I am looking for) go there, looking for gay, leather Daddies.  All 'dem, 'der compatible boys were there looking for ME at the same time I was there, looking for THEM.

Makes "dating" seem about as unproductive as can be said - AND just as frustraing as the OP said.

Oh, I see what you are jealous of - the bar itself.  Well, in that case.....

Cue the William Tell overture.
Munch-dee-dah, munch, munch, munch.
Munch-dee-dah, munch, munch, munch.

Shakespeare:
Get thee to a munchery.

"To thy own munch be true."

Munches - not just for beginners anymore.

---------

Self-selection?  Right here! 

Have found plenty of local-boys to play with on CM.  BUT like your big sites, gay men have some BIGGER sites - always the size Queen? -  In particular we have M4M = Men for Men - AND Recon.com 

Lance doesn't like those sites.  Too play-oriented.  Too many men, not enough time. A long time ago, CM was recommeded to me by a friend, saying, "Lance, I know you don't even have an account at Recon, but there's a site you should look at since I think it fits your style."




< Message edited by LanceHughes -- 11/11/2011 4:36:19 PM >

_____________________________

"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

10 fluffy points
50 nz points

Member: VAA's posse

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 6:00:07 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
I want to know what's in the water at that leather bar since you are able to find so many compatible people there. That's not a snark, just an amusing (and jealous) observation that you seem to have a place they all go.

Didn't take it as "snark."  Not sure how one could take it as such.

Like attracts like.  I think (again) that gay, subbie leathermen (who are what I am looking for) go there, looking for gay, leather Daddies.  All 'dem, 'der compatible boys were there looking for ME at the same time I was there, looking for THEM.

Makes "dating" seem about as unproductive as can be said - AND just as frustraing as the OP said.

Oh, I see what you are jealous of - the bar itself.  Well, in that case.....

Cue the William Tell overture.
Munch-dee-dah, munch, munch, munch.
Munch-dee-dah, munch, munch, munch.

Shakespeare:
Get thee to a munchery.

"To thy own munch be true."

Munches - not just for beginners anymore.

---------



Around here, EVERYTHING has the potential to be taken as a snark. I only point out I don't mean it that way for people I like and appreciate (don't that making your freaking day, lol?)

It wasn't so much that you found kink friendly guys, more that apparently you had one bar inparticular with an over abundance of potential partners. Got this mental image of them lining up for your inspection and hopeful choosing when you walked in (sure that WOULD make your freaking day).

As for going to a munch, not the out in public kink type and I'm doing ok on my own. I think it was more a matter of reminiscing about my younger years when I did go to bars and found so many tasty morsels standing around waiting for me to pluck them up.

(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 6:18:04 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline 		No advice here. I have come to learn that I pretty much hate everything about dating.

I could have been two different places tonight, each place with a man that I was only somewhat interested in. And so I'm home. Because if he hasn't knocked my socks off from the first hello, then I tend to lose interest but quick.

I know it's unrealistic. Believe me, no need to tell me that. I've had enough people drill that into my head. (Thanks, mom.) I'm just not ready to give up, yet. It's happened before to me, it can happen again.


(in reply to andromeda06)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 6:31:00 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline 		What I do is go to places and sites where kinky people meet and then hope to find a good submissive, rather than go to vanilla sites and hope I find one that's kinky. I mean, I KNOW that I DON'T want a vanilla man, so why go there? If I go to a vanilla site, I'd have to find one that's (1)good AND (2)that might be kinky. If I go to a kinky site I already know, theoretically that they're kinky and which side of the kneel they're on. Then I just need to (1)find a good one.

NBMG

_____________________________

I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.


(in reply to andromeda06)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 7:12:53 PM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline 		Yes, they did tend to line up for "selection," or so it seemed.  Can't drink alcohol any more due to certain medications - oh, I tried - and almost died - seriously.  Since I don't drink, I don't go to the bar often.  BUT!  I'm "hosting" 1st Tuesday "Leather nite" at local "tubs" = gay bathhouse and having a ball!

AGAIN! Self-selection!



_____________________________

"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

10 fluffy points
50 nz points

Member: VAA's posse

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Dating - 11/11/2011 10:59:51 PM   
SweetCheri


Posts: 228
Joined: 10/16/2011
From: Hopefully in my place.
Status: offline
quote:

THANK gawd for the "gay" bars. 
Oui! Absolument. They are such a wonderful idea, a place for gay people to go and drink and dance together. No more worries or doubts, every woman in there is a lesbian who is there to meet a lesbian.

Combine a pair of tight pants with a good driving beat, and I can have my pick.

Gay bars are the greatest idea ever.

_____________________________

Une fille d'Ottawa
Grandit je ne sais pas.


CG/HH

(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Dating - 11/12/2011 4:09:13 AM   
Awareness


Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HeatherMcLeather

I have no idea. I have "dated" two women in my life, and they both moved in. Either I am really lucky, or I'm in for a major fall soon.
  Let's hope so - a bit of pain will split your arrogance down the middle and give you the capacity to empathise.


_____________________________

Ever notice how fucking annoying most signatures are? - Yes, I do appreciate the irony.

(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Dating - 11/12/2011 4:15:55 AM   
Awareness


Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: andromeda06

Because that's all it really is, right?

So I go back and forth between dating for awhile and then taking a break. (I'm mostly on a break) I also can't seem to decide what's more important in order... do I look for a dominant man and then try and find one who is intrinsically a "good" person? Or do I look for a good person and hope like hell he's kinky and rely on my natural instincts to find one who's dominant?

The problem is this:  There are crap-loads of 'dominant' men around who display the kind of surface-attributes which make them - at first glance - appealing.   The take no shit go-getters with a spine, their own lives and a group of friends.

The trouble is finding a guy who has that and also has the necessary internal strength to accept responsibility for outcomes.  Fundamentally, the difference between an abusive shithead and a decent Dom is that the latter will have a serious dose of self-awareness and self-discipline which is tempered by empathy and compassion.

Trouble is, working out if a prospect has these attributes requires you to see them in extremis.  Our deepest selves come out during adversity.

My advice:  Wait for the building to catch fire then start flirting madly with any guy who orders people around.  Bonus points if everyone makes it out alive and they all still love him.


_____________________________

Ever notice how fucking annoying most signatures are? - Yes, I do appreciate the irony.

(in reply to andromeda06)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Dating - 11/12/2011 4:34:52 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

The problem is this:  There are crap-loads of 'dominant' men around who display the kind of surface-attributes which make them - at first glance - appealing.   The take no shit go-getters with a spine, their own lives and a group of friends.

The trouble is finding a guy who has that and also has the necessary internal strength to accept responsibility for outcomes.  Fundamentally, the difference between an abusive shithead and a decent Dom is that the latter will have a serious dose of self-awareness and self-discipline which is tempered by empathy and compassion.

Trouble is, working out if a prospect has these attributes requires you to see them in extremis.  Our deepest selves come out during adversity.

My advice:  Wait for the building to catch fire then start flirting madly with any guy who orders people around.  Bonus points if everyone makes it out alive and they all still love him.



see, this is genius. =p
and quite true -- how many people say "we got so much closer after the catastrophe" -- they saw positive qualities that couldn't be seen until the person was put under pressure.

anyway, +1


_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica


(in reply to Awareness)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Dating - 11/12/2011 4:42:02 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

quote:

ORIGINAL: andromeda06

Because that's all it really is, right?

So I go back and forth between dating for awhile and then taking a break. (I'm mostly on a break) I also can't seem to decide what's more important in order... do I look for a dominant man and then try and find one who is intrinsically a "good" person? Or do I look for a good person and hope like hell he's kinky and rely on my natural instincts to find one who's dominant?

The problem is this:  There are crap-loads of 'dominant' men around who display the kind of surface-attributes which make them - at first glance - appealing.   The take no shit go-getters with a spine, their own lives and a group of friends.

The trouble is finding a guy who has that and also has the necessary internal strength to accept responsibility for outcomes.  Fundamentally, the difference between an abusive shithead and a decent Dom is that the latter will have a serious dose of self-awareness and self-discipline which is tempered by empathy and compassion.

Trouble is, working out if a prospect has these attributes requires you to see them in extremis.  Our deepest selves come out during adversity.

My advice:  Wait for the building to catch fire then start flirting madly with any guy who orders people around.  Bonus points if everyone makes it out alive and they all still love him.



Quality.


_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to Awareness)
Profile   Post #: 40
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