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Calandra -> A Balanced view of collars... (a rant, if you will) (5/26/2006 3:18:23 PM)
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Over the years I've read countless posts from hundreds of people who (with sincerely good intentions) have posted comments similar to the ones below concerning collars:
"A collar should be a lifetime committment."
"A collar is sacred and should never be given/accepted unless _____"
"Anyone who accepts/offers a collar should be_____"
"A collar is forever."
"Someone who has had/offered several collars must be into velcro collars"
"If someone accepts/offers a collar before _<set period of time>_ isn't serious"
Yes, every few months the debate about "different types of collars" begins anew, and I'm not seeking to start it again. What I'm wanting to convey is this: Not all collars are equal. They simply do not mean the same thing universally to each and everyone in this lifestyle, nor do they perform the same function.
When new people (for the rest of this post, assume I'm speaking of both Dominant and submissive power identities) come onto the scene, they are full of questions, and often find that sorting out how and where kink fits into their life takes a confusing turn when they begin reading the majority of resources out there. So many posters to newsgroups and bulletin boards have the tendency to state things as a "fact" rather than as one "option" or "opinion" because in their lives what they are stating IS a fact. This tendency then leads to strife when someone else posts other options or viewpoints. All the while, newbies are watching the dialogue and getting more and more confused.
I employ three types of collars in MY PERSONAL practice of this lifestyle I love.
1.) The "play" or "scene" collar.
2.) The training collar.
3.) The formal collar.
I've also heard of various other collars, including "house collars", "collars of consideration", "protection collars", ect, etc, etc...
Now I suspect that people who make the above statements are discussing the concept of the "formal" collar, because some of the collars I mention above are constructed to serve many different types of relationships - even non-committed ones.
A formal collar is a beautiful (even sacred) symbol within a fully committed relationship. It "can" encompass love, devotion, and so much more - but in "some" relationships it simply means that the Dominant and submissive have reached a point where they can commit to a way of life that fulfills their needs. What if neither of them wants sex to be included in their relationship? What if neither of them wants love or romance to be part of the dynamic? A new person who's needs don't seem to "fit" with the more common definition of a formal collar might feel confused and alienated from the community because they are similar in some ways, but dissimilar in others.
A training collar has so many variations that it is *always* specific to the two (or more) people involved. (That is, as long as you don't get embroiled in the debate concerning the negative spin the word "training" has gotten in recent years.) A training collar is often used as a prelude to a formal collar, where the people involved have established basics, and feel an interest in getting to know each other on deeper levels before committing totally. I've heard it compared to an "engagement ring". But sometimes it is used as a symbol of authority while a person is being taught a specific skill (the sub may even be within a formal collar to someone else). Other times it is put in place while a person is learning basics from a mentor, even though both parties KNOW they do not intend to pursue a formal
collar in the future. A training collar (when used responsibly) is often used as a way to give a submissive "room to grow and find his/her feet", without distracting and unwanted attentions from outside influences. Does this type of collar include committment? Of course it does, but on a more limited basis than the one described in the comments above. (not attacking, simply disagreeing and clarifying) Does this type of collar require trust? Yes, but not total trust since training is a partnership where the dominant and submissive are active participants. Ultimate trust takes time to earn, and within a training collar both the dominant and the submissive has the opportunity to assess the trustworthiness of the other (as well as assessing any other people they will be connected with within a poly situation). With all of this in mind, is a training collar less valid than a formal one? Of course not - but that's the impression a new person might get by reading some of the posts out there.
In my opinion (not making claims for anyone else's ways), a collar of consideration is a type of training collar, so to keep things simple, I don't use this term, but I respect the concept. (I'd actually be very interested in hearing opinions from people who DO use this type of collar, since I like to expand my understanting when possible) However, since it is simply "consideration", then any claims that "a collar is a committment forever and always, etc." simply wouldn't fit this type of collar either, would it? Does someone who accepts this type of collar and then decides they don't want to go forward towards a formal collar then become one of those who wears or gives "velcro" collars? I don't think so. I actually think that someone who goes slowly and refuses a formal collar because things don't fit after closer inspection deserves my respect. It makes me trust their decision-making much more than someone who changes collars as often as they change underwear. ( I do agree with the velcro collar sentiment, I simply feel that when opinions similar to the ones above are stated as "facts", a lot of very valid collars fall through the cracks along with the bullshit ones. How does a new person differentiate if we don't point these differences out for their consideration?)
A collar of protection is a tricky one... Worst case scenario? I've seen online Dom/mes slap collars of protection upon the necks of every new sub that walks into a chatroom in an attempt to garner the exclusive attention of every, starry-eyed sub who will listen. These people have stables (or corrals) where they often stand on a pedestal, beat their chests, and proclaim that (somehow) they will prevent all the horrible, dangerous, insidious things from happening to each and every sub who places their trust in them. (They often tend to lead the subs into private chat and email, because they know that if there is even ONE knowledgeable lifestyle person present, their superhero complex will be revealed for what it is - a selfish way to make themselves look good without any substance underneath.) In my opinion, a protection collar like the one I just described is always suspect. Why not take the time to empower and educate new subs in skills they can use to protect themselves???
The only VALID type of protection collar I've ever known, is the one used by a "Keyholder". Now some new ones may ask what a Keyholder is... A Keyholder is a trusted third person who is empowered by the Dom/me and the sub in a formal relationship to step in and assist a submissive in the event that, tragically, they lose their Dominant in some way other than a mutual separation. I was once collared to a wonderful Master, and we were young and happy. I never expected the call telling me that He was in ICU from an auto accident. He passed away and I was alone and in a haze of pain for more than a year because we didn't plan ahead and create a support system in case He wasn't able to be there for me. In the four years we were together, He had never failed me, until the last. I am taking steps to protect my beloved cubby in the event that I pass away unexpectedly. I thought I'd found someone we could both trust with our lives (you know, living wills, keyholder, all the yuckky things we don't want to plan for...) until recently when I discovered that the keyholder I'd selected and I differed in some very basic ways and we have to re-assess... Back to square one... But if I die before cubs is taken care of, it isn't because I haven't tried. Anyway, a Keyholder isn't someone who has a sexual, financial, or kinky interest in the submissive. They're someone who can be trusted to help the sub make arrangements, grieve, and acclimate to life
without their Dominant. They are someone who puts a protective "fence" around the sub and who fields the advances of prospective Dominants who may not know the sub's need for time and space. They are someone who can act as mediator when the time comes for a sub to begin re-entering the world again. They have the selfless desire to protect the sub out of respect and love for both the Dominant and the sub who were affected by this tragedy. Once again, this isn't a collar that is ever meant to be permanent, or indicative of love or committment beyond honoring the wants and needs of a sub in need.
Last, but not least - The play or scene collar... That moment when someone has asked to bottom and the top accepts... ~swoons~ In a Top/bottom scenario, there dosen't have to be a whole relationship outside of the two hours they are in the dungeon together. They don't have to be committed. They don't have to have sex, or love, or even a massive amount of trust so long as things are negotiated, and references are thoroughly checked. Even better - A DM or witness present. I'm sorry, but a scene where no bondage is used, where the sub is capable of getting up and walking away requires a very small amount of trust for some. As a Pro Domina for five years, I've scened with many many subs/bottoms/etc... I didn't have to know their names, didn't have to know if they were married, had kids, had employment, or anything... I needed to know their health history, their limits, and their wants/desires. I employed the use of a collar in many of those scenes. When that collar gripped their neck, many times I could see the sensation wash over them, placing them into my command as effectively as any other collar employed in this lifestyle. A play collar is just as valid to the person kneeling before me, as the collar that anyone else in this lifestyle wears/offers. Why? Because we live in the NOW. We don't live in the past - it's gone, and we can't count on the future. How we feel NOW is all that really matters in the grand scheme of things... Maybe the person wearing a scene collar only has two hours to live this... that two hours is just as important as any 24/7 formal collar out there. (in some cases MORE so if us 24/7 people begin to take things for granted)
I don't mean to sound offensive, honestly... but the collar that so very many people describe is only one collar out of many we use daily in this lifestyle we love... By only describing one type of collar as representative of how everyone should perceive them, they potentially take away choices that new ones NEED in deciding how to proceed with their exploration of a wonderful lifestyle. I don't believe that people who post this one-sided view of collars actually think LESS of people who use them differently in their heart. I think what happens is they simply don't see those collars in the same light, since they don't apply in their life, and they only speak from THEIR EXPERIENCE - which is fine, so long as they phrase it as opinion and experience, not as universal "fact".
I want the new ones to have more information, not less... and this is my attempt to enlist your aid in making that information available. ~warm smiles~
Lady Kathryn
Athens Ga.
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