need to suck it up n take charge help

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

need to suck it up n take charge help

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> need to suck it up n take charge help

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

need to suck it up n take charge help - 11/13/2011 1:30:19 AM

BrodieSaysSit

Posts: 22
Joined: 9/20/2011
Status: offline

okay, i am in a relationship where he enjoys being the sub, and constantly asks me to be more dominant, i want to and i know i would enjoy it, but when it comes to doing it, i pussy out, and get to insecure to follow threw with the ideas i want to try n things hes asked of me.... i want to be the master but idk how to get myself to actually do it.... help me make myself and him happy how do i just do it?

Post #: 1

RE: need to suck it up n take charge help - 11/13/2011 2:26:15 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

Welcome to CM.... :)

And welcome to the world of the selfish submissive male, too.

Doesn't sound like you're a "take charge" kinda gal in your personal relationships. I think you're more attuned to pleasing your partner (through trying to be dominant for him) rather than dominance being something that comes naturally to you. Hence you "pussy out"....

The only way you can be truly happy within a relationship is if it, and your partner, fulfills *your* needs, too. Right now, it sounds like it's all about him and his needs....

So you start with some honest introspection. That is, do you really wanna be dominant for you, or is it just because it's what he wants? Because frankly, if it's something that drives you then you simply wouldn't "pussy out" but jump at the opportunity to indulge that need with that rarest of beasties; a complementing kinky partner.

Doubtless he doesn't miss an opportunity to pump your dominant ego; to compliment you on any little thing that suggests being da boss comes naturally. Like laying down the law to an unruly tot, for example.... Cunning devils, those needy male subs - watch out for that. It's not very dominant to be manipulated, even if it seems you're in charge.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to BrodieSaysSit)

Post #: 2

RE: need to suck it up n take charge help - 11/13/2011 3:25:46 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Hi there. Welcome to collarme.

There are several Dommes here that began as subs but transitioned. Usually in their 20s, but hisprettybaby/NiceButMeanGirl changed from sub to switch in her 50s. So it's not out of the question for you to do so.

You're being given a golden opportunity here, to try out your Domme self and see if she fits you.

Start by telling the man to shut up when he says he wants you to be more Dominant. Instead, have him come up with ideas he wants to try, and YOU will decide if they're gonna happen or not. One of the reasons you're having an issue is him saying repeatedly that you're "not Domme enough". Your goal is to find out how Domme YOU want to be, and please yourself. If he has a problem with the way you want it, make him do some housework chore as a punishment and to get him out of your hair for a bit.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 3

RE: need to suck it up n take charge help - 11/13/2011 6:26:45 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

It's hard to do something when it's driven by someone else, when they want you to do it more than you want to. He's putting a lot of pressure on you, that needs to stop if this is going to be successful. There's no way that you can feel free to find your way in this if you constantly wonder how you are measuring up.

I'd do something like what DS suggested, from now on tell him to back off since you're in charge. You can certainly ask for input if you want it, and you can ask for ideas, but it's up to you what happens when. If you are supposed to be the one in charge then he needs to let that happen and then on your side....you take charge when you feel ready for it. If he's supposed to be submissive to you then he should act like it and hand the reins over and wait.

(in reply to BrodieSaysSit)

Post #: 4

RE: need to suck it up n take charge help - 11/13/2011 7:03:13 AM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

You have to find your own reasons for wanting to do it. Dominance is something that comes from who you are, and is only reflected in what you do. At least that's my opinion.......... Intent --> Action --> Reality, blah blah blah
What is your intent? What drives you? He's badgering you to be more dominant, but what if you aren't?

It's totally possible that you can get a taste for it via service topping (being in control as a service to the bottom, not the same as driving it from yourself) -- it might be a perfectly good intro for a new person. But eventually, if you do find that you're dominant, you're going to want what you want, not just what he wants. If he is very focused on himself, that might not go well -- BUT, good submission can be inspired by good dominance.

Give it a shot, see how it goes, find out more about who you really are.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 5

RE: need to suck it up n take charge help - 11/13/2011 7:37:56 AM

Sherrr

Posts: 61
Joined: 7/25/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

And welcome to the world of the selfish submissive male, too.

Yeah, what's the deal with that?

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 6

RE: need to suck it up n take charge help - 11/13/2011 7:40:31 AM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

and constantly asks me to be more dominant

Try flipping it on him and tell him to be more submissive. I think his constant questioning of your abilities is causing your hesitation. Turn him into a service sub.... give him chores, lists, directions on how you want things done. Then, perhaps you need to point out that once he learns that part of submission, he will then have earned the right to get more.

Want to know just "how to do it"? Start thinking about your own needs sometimes. Had an ex once who would tell me to do things he knew I hated to do... then just go silent until they were done. By the time I was halfway through the chore, I was smiling... because I knew on some level I was pleasing him.

Your wants
his wants
his needs
Your needs

Decide if what is being asked is a need or want. Needs should almost always be taken care of... wants are those things you, as a Dominant, want to give to your submissive. You dont have too. But your submissive should always look forward to finding ways to fill your want list... within reason, of course.

< Message edited by tazzygirl -- 11/13/2011 7:41:22 AM >

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to BrodieSaysSit)

Post #: 7

RE: need to suck it up n take charge help - 11/13/2011 7:46:50 AM

fragilepieces

Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

You have to find your own reasons for wanting to do it.

Lilly you have a brilliant mind.

_____________________________

Me to Daddy: Now you'll think I'm a weirdo
Him: I love you BECAUSE you ARE a weirdo.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 8

RE: need to suck it up n take charge help - 11/13/2011 7:48:45 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Her body ain't bad either.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to fragilepieces)

Post #: 9

RE: need to suck it up n take charge help - 11/13/2011 7:55:56 AM

fragilepieces

Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

Sorry Steven I am not superficial.

_____________________________

Me to Daddy: Now you'll think I'm a weirdo
Him: I love you BECAUSE you ARE a weirdo.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 10

RE: need to suck it up n take charge help - 11/13/2011 8:28:04 AM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

hey thanks, fragilepieces. ^_^ that's really nice of you to say. =p
i disagree, though; i think i need a "keep it to yourself" button.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to fragilepieces)

Post #: 11

RE: need to suck it up n take charge help - 11/13/2011 9:27:17 AM

HeatherMcLeather

Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline

Excellent post Focus

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 12

RE: need to suck it up n take charge help - 11/13/2011 10:48:58 AM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Hi there. Welcome to collarme.

There are several Dommes here that began as subs but transitioned. Usually in their 20s, but hisprettybaby/NiceButMeanGirl changed from sub to switch in her 50s. So it's not out of the question for you to do so.

I actually have finished making the transition from switch to Domme now, but some stay switches forever, which is okay too.

NBMG

~edited to add~ Focus, another on the spot post.

< Message edited by NiceButMeanGirl -- 11/13/2011 10:55:18 AM >

_____________________________

I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 13

RE: need to suck it up n take charge help - 11/13/2011 11:55:26 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sherrr

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

And welcome to the world of the selfish submissive male, too.

Yeah, what's the deal with that?

A reflection of several decades of observation within the lifestyle.

Hmmm, speaking of reflection, perhaps I shouldn't be saying such things out loud just 'cause it's what I happen to think. Too many messengers get shot that way - as I prime myself to duck....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Sherrr)

Post #: 14

RE: need to suck it up n take charge help - 11/14/2011 8:28:54 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

but when it comes to doing it, i pussy out, and get to insecure to follow threw with the ideas i want to try

In addition to the excellent advice you've already received, if you get specific, perhaps we can be even more helpful.

For example, what makes you insecure? If it's learning a skill such as flogging or fire-cupping, we can point you to resources for that.

(in reply to BrodieSaysSit)

Post #: 15

RE: need to suck it up n take charge help - 11/14/2011 12:15:16 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Like everyone else says, the more he tells you that you're not doing it right, the more insecure you will be.

Get a bunch of index cards and write down specific activities. Flog for 10 minutes followed by paddle for 15 using three different paddles. Collect a bunch of household implements and put them into a bag to be at hand.

Most importantly, blindfold him so he can't see you looking at the cards. If he starts telling you what to do either stop play and tell him it's because he tried ordering you around or else just gag him. Have him grunt three times if there's a problem. Make sure he has a safeword.

And make him earn playtime by doing what you want around the house with the attitude you want. Tell him when he's doing things right and reward him for it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 16

RE: need to suck it up n take charge help - 11/14/2011 6:48:31 PM

Alecta

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BrodieSaysSit

okay, i am in a relationship where he enjoys being the sub, and constantly asks me to be more dominant, i want to and i know i would enjoy it, but when it comes to doing it, i pussy out, and get to insecure to follow threw with the ideas i want to try n things hes asked of me.... i want to be the master but idk how to get myself to actually do it.... help me make myself and him happy how do i just do it?

Two questions, one for me and one for yourself.

The one for me is "do you mean being dominant in the bedroom only? Or do you mean in other ways as well?"

The question you need to ask yourself is "why do you pussy out?"
Are you afraid he's not going to like it? Is it because you've never hit/tied/ordered someone before? Is it that you don't actually want to do whatever it is?
My suggestion for case 1 is to set a mutual signal. Some piece of clothing or jewellery that he or you can put on to signal you are ready and willing to play. Establish a safeword that you have both practiced using, so you know he will use it if there is a problem and you know you will stop when you hear it. Have a deep thorough conversation about everything you guys want to try, inform yourselves of all the risks and your mutual insecurities.
Case 2, I get over this by practicing what I would do on my subs on myself, so I know how heavy I am striking, I get an idea as to what I'm actually asking them to do. And then I adjust according to how much more I reckon they should be able to take in contrast to little ol' me. And practice, practice, practice, until you are so confident in what you are doing that you wonder why you'd ever doubted your ability to do it in the first place, whether it is a flogging or a particular vocabulary.
Case 3, the two of you need to have a serious honest talk about the whole relationship, don't go blindly believing you'd be into something just based on his say-so!

(in reply to BrodieSaysSit)

Post #: 17

RE: need to suck it up n take charge help - 4/22/2012 6:50:17 AM

BrodieSaysSit

Posts: 22
Joined: 9/20/2011
Status: offline

He is very selfish and needy. He wants me to take over, but in the ways he wants me to. I try to ignore it n just do what I want, but he always gets pissy. And he doesnt do anything to help. Idk it sucks right noe

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 18

RE: need to suck it up n take charge help - 4/22/2012 7:02:55 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Sit him down and tell him to cut it out. Eery time he sulks, he gets ignored for a set period of time. If the problem isn't fixed by that, it's over with him.

Look, the relationship's not working for you now. That's because he's running it, and not in a healthy manner. Tell him it's going to be your show or nothing, and stick to it.

Good luck.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to BrodieSaysSit)

Post #: 19

RE: need to suck it up n take charge help - 4/22/2012 7:08:58 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

Nice to hear back from you. I'd like to ask you something about your situation that is in no way negative - what do you get out of it? Why are you with this guy? What does being with him do for you?

(in reply to BrodieSaysSit)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> need to suck it up n take charge help

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.109