RE: Girls, why did it fail?

RE: Girls, why did it fail? (Full Version)

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dogobedience -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/27/2006 12:20:24 PM)
HI MY DFW FRIEND! GOOG REPLY! HOPE YOU GIRLS HAD FUN LAST NIGHT AT THE SANCT.

dogobedience -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/27/2006 12:22:59 PM)
GOOD WORDS!!

LadyAlexa -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/27/2006 12:34:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: puella I don't know what you are really looking for here in this thread. I love the man I failed. I always will. The relationship I sought my entire life is over. I will not blame him for it. I failed. I was not good enough, I was not .... many things. Thats why it failed. All I can speak on is my part. You sure it wasn't he that failed? In most relationships it isn't the one person who didn't do something, it's both. Don't review yourself as a failure. This relationship didn't work out for some reason. You still love the person. You think it's all your fault. Why are you taking such responsibility for it? Learn to re-love yourself

LadyAlexa -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/27/2006 12:41:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dogobedience This is focused to mostly newbies. your age does not matter. When did you become aware that the one you choose (YES DOM'S, they FIRST usually pick us, then we TAKE CONTROL, not until then) was a mistake. I ask because I READ MANY PROFILES that say I have found THE ONE........and 2 weeks later you are a wreck...............why, what happens SOOOOOOO fast??? Posers, abusers,cyber freaks, kinky sex dom players, liars, changed mind on WHAT YOU THOUGHT BDSM WAS ALL ABOUT..........what! Help me understand, and share this so it does not happen so often.........who is changing their profile as we speak from, the ONE........to i am just here to look and recover!!! I am here to finish my family, I use this info to help me also find what I need before she is polluted........call me selfish and HONEST! I'm not a newbie, the One, or a submissive but heck that never stopped me from replying to some posts [;)] IMHO I think many go too quickly into relationships. They are searching for that missing link, the part that fulfills them, the other half..all the bull crap stuff. They grab at something like on a merry go round and when the world stops spinning they realize the person...the One...farts, burps, sometimes has bad breath, itches in private places, has dandruff, and possibly doesn't make millions a year. Once you get over the fact that the sun doesn't rise and set on someone, you think...gee they aren't the One. What you have been through like love at first site ... is lust. Lust for something which you want. With anything you have to take time and as I said, too often folks jump into something when they should wait. What is wrong with seeing a few Doms or subs? Lightly playing with others to see the fit; checking out their home life; hobbies/interests etc I dont' base my commitment to a sub on my love/like for them. Time and open eyes......

LadyAlexa -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/27/2006 12:47:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: reverendtorres My first D/s relationship ended due to him nonconsensually assaulting me, after I made it extremely clear that I wouldn't accept such tretment. Good thing it happened two weeks after we got together and not after I got too attached. Yikes...I'm glad you found out sooner then later! Some [males usually] so called doms are just agressive people ...more dominerring then dominant. They want everything at once. Wish you luck for the future.

LadyAlexa -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/27/2006 12:50:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Calandra Would replies from Dominants who thought they found "the one" and were mistaken be welcome? I was submissive many years ago, but it was before internet really got a foothold and my replies from submissive position wouldn't be valid... Dom/mes get fooled too because human nature is a great equalizer... Yes Doms also get bitten! They believe they find what they seek, then they get a dear dom letter! It's most interesting how many submissives can write to you and how few follow through after only one email. ah well. their loss

LadyAlexa -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/27/2006 12:52:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Wolfie648 I had the bad fortune to come across someone who I _thought_ was the slave I was looking for. That was about 12 years ago and I had limited experience. She probably was the slave I was looking for. I was not ready for her. I learned my lesson and moved on and since then have been fortunate anough to find another (actually she found me ;-) with a stronger heart and myself being more aware than I was before. Life is an ongoing process; all you need to do is live and learn. Maybe you have fun on the way, maybe you don't. Your choice. D (owner of j). It is difficult when our mental/physical/dom age doesn't exactly match! We can only hope, I think, that those we have come in contact over the years realize that it wasn't a good fit, and it wasn't because of them, us, others etc. but it just wasn't the right time.

Sunshine119 -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/27/2006 1:04:33 PM)
I think the whole concept of "the ONE" is highly overrated. Psychologists tell us that there is a 1 in 10 chance of any two people being able to fall in love (whatever that is). Now, I'm highly intelligent and tall, so I figure my chances are no more than 1 in 100 and considering my history, I took that figure to be 1 in 1 million. I was married to a person whom I considered "the ONE" for 20 years. He was my childhood sweetheart. He left me for a young lady he had met when he went back to the community college while trying to find himself and get a degree. Two months after meeting her, he was gone, leaving me with two teens to raise and get them through college, by myself. I was devestated and sounded for years like you. I couldn't ever see myself with anyone else. It took me 10 years to recover. I am now with a man, who I found out was a dominant after we started dating and he has brought me along. We have now been together a year and a half. What I am trying to say is that you should never close the door completely. I know, advice is like assholes, everyone's got one, but however much time it takes, it takes. And life has the propensity of throwing us curveballs....good ones and not just bad ones too. And Puella, you are not old! It is only a myth that there is "One"

puella -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/27/2006 1:43:26 PM)
Hi there.. thanks for the kindness of your response, and I am sorry of the suffering you had. I don't know.. I think that different people can love in different ways. Maybe because of the environment I grew up in, love was something very real to me and very potent. At any rate... I have loved in many ways... But I was aware of the fact that at some point I might actually encounter the man that would bring me to the love and relationship I was just released from. I met him and knew that was going to be the kind of love I would never escape, if I chose to let myself go there. I can not explain the particulars of that kind of love... I don't think that we can always dissect things that potent... maybe we are not supposed to? I do know that there was an early sense of what could happen, in terms of depth, and that I was conscious of the danger that comes part and parcel with that... I also know that I consciously stepped into that depth... when I was claimed it was all very conscious..... he asked me if I knew that this meant no turning back, and I knew that it did, and I begged him for it. I think there is a place you can go to, with love that really does mean a One.. I do not think that is a fantasy, because the only way into that level is by willingly and completely consciously placing yourself in it (a bit different than the idea of just blindly falling in love). I say that because I think it is easy to see someone like me.. who knows they failed and still completely loves that person and can not be with them, and feel pity for them... which often leads to a sense of hmm... wanting to shift a blame onto the person who doesn't wish to be with them anymore. I don't think that is fair. If nothing else.. I am not a stupid or incapable person, so for me to love someone that completely tells you a lot about the magnitude of that person. It is very possible to fail someone and still love them. It is also very possible for that failure to change your value to them. Just because you have less value to them then they do to you... doesn't make them wrong for not finding it worthwhile to stick with it.. or you... it's just the way it is.. and as much as it hurts... you just do not inspire in them the same depth of feeling that they do in you; you do not mean as much to them as they do to you... Maybe you do not agree with me, but I take that fault upon myself alone. What is lacking in me is no one's responsibility but my own. I think also that it is a misinterpretation to think that when I say I will not serve again, I am coming from a place of pain. I was explaining this to allyC one day... I think it might be easier to explain this to a woman who is completely embonded through love... but here goes.. I am not motivated by pain. Never have been. I am motivated by love. I can not serve again, because I went to that place which will forever mark me as his. That is what total surrender is.. when you really can not turn back... It's Faustian.. if you willingly and eagerly hand your soul over.. even when it is no longer a possession of worth and might not even be acknowledged.. it is never yours again. I can not serve, not because of my failure...I can serve even in failure... I can not serve another because I am actively in love with the man that I identify as my One. That I can not be with him, changes that not one iota. It is not something I take lightly.. it wasn't going in and it wasn't going out. So, though the idea of a 'One' might not be something you can subscribe to or want to subscribe to.. it can actually be a very real thing. Do I think he is any less the 'One' because I failed him? No, not at all. I am despondent without him, but functional. I know it is my fault that I can not be with him. It does not make me think of him as anything different than that night he claimed me. I will never think of him with anything but the deepest reverence. It makes no difference. And as I said in an earlier post... all I can claim in the wreckage of my relationship and in my loss is my own failure... what ever part of the wreckage he claims, is not my place to comment on, even if he claims none... I will never try to foist any off on him, thats for sure.

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/27/2006 2:20:09 PM)
To the OP..I have not found the ONE as yet..But I think being a mature women when I finally discovered WIITWD gave me a headstart in so far as I was willing to be patient ,to conquer the initial sub frenzy I experienced(yes I recognized it without the title initially)to learn and grow ,to explore, to get out in R/L first off ,to meet, and to date, to find ONE that I connected with, and as many have said one that I can be friends with ,and a bit of lust thrown into the mix of course [:)].So approaching this in a slow and hopeful manner I feel thus far I have avoided many of the initial pitfalls that many a newbie succuumbs to in the beginning....be well...slow poke Tempting[:D]

apb -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/27/2006 2:48:43 PM)
my initial thought would be that "failed" is a strong word to use. It seems to me a better way to put it would be that it "didn't work out". You can't look at relationship break ups as failures. No matter what, hopefully you will learn something from each relationship you have. As for finding the "one" - when you are looking in the lifestyle then you have already narrowed your potential pool of mates down considerably. Then if you throw in age, sexual preferences, looks, interests and limits, D/s traits ... no wonder so many are still looking! i consider myself to be extremely lucky to have met my "one". W/we met through mutual friends in the local club and have been inseparable since. One thing to note is that i was definitely "not looking" and not interested in a relationship at the time we met. So i can honestly say she is very special since she turned this sub's head and caught my interest (and subsequently my submission, heart, mind and soul). i love you Tress ... [sm=flowers.gif]

cynthiamarie -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/27/2006 4:32:06 PM)
quote: The OP wrote,"Girls,why did it fail",a question from a false premise. My father allways said,"theres no such thing as failure",and of cause he was wright.Take the term,"The dike failed",oh no it didnt,it was overwhelmed by a series of factors that it was not desinged to handle,usually mistakes,made by the desingner befor the dike was built. Relationships are much the same. What there are,is a series of miscalculations on the part of one,or both of the people involved.These are usually created as a result of insecurity,immaturity, being blinded by emotion. If said perons were to start with the right exspectations,keep thir mindes clear,and not get caught up in frailties that we all have,then thir path would be a lot smoother.(Easier said than done a know). The analogy of the dike was a good one, ty for sharing it and I hope you won't mind if I copy it down so I don't forget it. Blinded by emotion? Most definitely. My ex-husband and I had no kids together, and we've been divorced for over 19 years...and yet we're still good friends. I'm friends with James as well...but both of these people have never tried to rope my heart and sexual focus back in when I have desperately tried to cool things down on my side into a friendship. Loving someone when they're not right for you is a b***. When I see the whining cringes* of my earlier post in this thread, I realize I must stop posting while under severe sleep dep. It's hard, because when I want to make a comment, it's the right thing for me to do to go back and read every post on every page first, and if there are 3 or more pages it takes me more than an hour to get through them. Whenever I think of stopping, I see another interesting thread. [:D] quote: I guess what I probably could have tried to say better before is that... 'true love' (which is what I would equate to finding the One) can happen, and even when found does not mitigate the very real possibility of losing that person. There are many facets to failure, and sometimes, even knowing what you have and giving everything you have to make it work is not enough. Though it is painful to contemplate, let alone to live with, sometimes, the fact of the matter is, even at 100% you are just not enough. I also feel, that does not take anything away from the wonders of the person you recognize as your One.. I very much doubt anything could, either in happiness or loss. Sorry to hear that it didn't work out and that you are hurting so badly. I agree with what you say about true love...it does not make the love less real just because it wasn't meant to last in this lifetime. I've never been able to stop loving someone, merely put them behind me in my past and move on in baby steps. It helped me to put all mementos in a box, and start a journal to put back into that box as well, pouring out every feeling I've had with nothing held back, reliving good moments and debating with myself over issues. Then I'd put it away and look in that box anytime I needed to. It helped me to purge, because if I kept it all inside it would have shattered me. Over time, the intensity didn't hit me as hard...and now he's just a precious memory. I still have a handwritten note he gave to me at work...and it's 21 years old now. It may have been too short, and yes, our needs proved to be incompatible, but the pain of loving him was worth it. When you've worked through your grieving, I hope you find the strength to give people a chance at stealing your heart away again. You deserve to have what your parents have...

shygirldesires -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/27/2006 4:40:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: losttreasure When a "newbie" submissive first places a profile on a site like CollarMe, she possesses only a limited amount of information about the D/s lifestyle, and most often only her "gut" feeling about what it is that she is seeking. She has most likely devoured a large number of writings on the lifestyle from various online sources (hence the limited information), and almost assuredly has quite a bit of confusion as the information she has found is often contradictory. Those first contacts she receives may honestly scare her. It is both flattering to receive so much attention at the start, and a bit alarming. We've made a "cry into the dark" for the dominant who haunts our dreams and stirs our soul, and many have answered. As with any activity or situation that is new and largely unknown to us, anyone who possesses knowledge and comfort can seem "larger than life" and a bit intimidating. But, for a submissive spirit, that can be so appealing and a submissive at this stage is very easily influenced and even more susceptible to "sub frenzy". Add to this a dominant who is suffering from what my dearest, FirmhandKY, has termed "Dom Discombobulation" (a dominant condition similar in nature to "sub frenzy" that I'm sure he will explain at a time of his own choosing), and a budding and otherwise promising relationship can leap forward to premature professions of having found "the one" for both. The progression toward this failure you describe is not assured, but becomes a possibility as the reality of maintaining that elevated level of passion begins to wear. I believe this typically happens for the dominant first and leads to the dominant taking steps to back off and slow the relationship down. Any negative response on the part of the submissive to the loss of attention from the dominant can further cause the dominant to reconsider. This circuitous process will fairly rapidly degrade the entire relationship, if there isn't a "Dom Diaspora"* before a complete breakdown happens. LostTreasure * "Dom Diaspora" denotes that online phenomenon of the disappearing dominant... not to be confused with the anomaly of the "scattering submissive" which typically happens prior to the establishment of any relationship beyond a communication or two. I agree entirely with LostTreasure. I see so many sub/slave profiles demanding collars or ownership....is that not the destination before the journey? shy, cumslut_DB

Timbukktwo -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/27/2006 4:49:48 PM)
...I do not think it has anything to do with the lifestyle...as alot of the same can be found simply in any relationship... ...for me....let me answer simply as me...not Dom or sub.... it is because the person seems to play a game to get your interest....then when you look their way and walk to them...they want to change you into something you are not....want you to like something you are not....and then get all upset because you simply stand the ground you said you were on the entire time...... Compromise is one thing and not what I am talking about here....

dogobedience -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/27/2006 5:50:28 PM)
A thoughtful reply and a MUST READ FOR ALL, congrats!!

fllmaster -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/27/2006 8:37:13 PM)
I think that one reason these relationships fail is because a lot of people do not really fill out their profiles honestly. I have sent e-mails after reading some profiles, thinking I might be compatable with them, only to find that they posted their fantasy rather then what they are really looking for. Or on the other hand, some women will list themselves under slave's and then when you read their profile, it says they enjoy gambling, or massage's or whatever, but not anything about how they feel about the BDSM relationship. In other words, a little honesty would go a long ways to making a relationship work. [sm=crop.gif]

dogobedience -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/27/2006 8:58:41 PM)
I am focusing on girls who want this lifestyle, but had a failed experience and why. I do agree some are not real to themselves, or are here for WHO KNOWS WHAT!!!!!!!They are a separate matter not addressed here.

RiotGirl -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/27/2006 10:06:35 PM)
quote: Help me understand, and share this so it does not happen so often.........who is changing their profile as we speak from, the ONE........to i am just here to look and recover!!! Dont know from experience.. but the guess would be "they jump too quick, with out knowing how deep/shallow the water is"

skittykitty -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/28/2006 12:22:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dogobedience I am focusing on girls who want this lifestyle, but had a failed experience and why. Unfortunately mine 'stopped working' when my master got involved in a religious cult and they literally brainwashed him into thinking that our D/S relationship was evil, it was rather amusing in a highly ironic way that he would call me a whore and various other things for being a sub, while he was using me, ultimately the dichotomy warped his brain and one day he came and burnt my collar and all our toys and implements and went off to a 'retreat' on the this cults property. I never heard from him again Yet I still managed to blame myself for that one, for a little while, until my good sense re-asserted itself, and I realised that nothing I said or did contributed to that. He was looking for something and this cult obviously had what he wanted. I just wish he'd picked a slightly better way of announcing we were finished, rather than just ripping my collar off my neck and burning it. That HURT. .

shygirldesires -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/29/2006 7:11:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dogobedience I am focusing on girls who want this lifestyle, but had a failed experience and why. Dogobedience .... I am going to reserect your forum since it died 2 days ago.... and include a letter I wrote to another CM gal whose relationship is shakey... I strongly agree with Lost Treasure as I have said previously but included in that writing is another aspect that I would like to mention. I will also add...I am not sure I like the wording you use ... "Girls why did it fail" "it" meaning what? and "fail" as if the girls are more insightful as to why, or maybe more vulnerable to blame themselves.....JMO ok...here's my thoughts..... i thought of something which i'd like to share with you. At our age, us woman have gone through enough relationships to know EXACTLY what we want and desire...its deep within our soul ...and it only grows stronger, i guess much like the maternal instinct for a child if a woman is inclined that way and getting older....in college, we made fun of those girls who came to college to score an engagement ring and were final semester seniors..the frenzy was awful..... i really dont think men have that .... we also have a need not to be alone...i am not sure men have that either ...altho i guess its a 50:50 chance and broad generalizations are not good.... So us woman know we crave a D/s relationship and the man needs to fulfill this dominance role and does so fine until us woman become really dependent on it and crave more and he just cant provide more and feels choked....he runs rather than admit. He feels weak and thus a failure...admittng it is NOT what he is about. It is easier to compromise or run away. Just the opposite of what we crave. i think it is when we become soooo dependent on the D/s relationship that the fear of failure comes upon the man.... and dammit, he is NOT a failure...he is a man who has breed dependency into the woman and he fears he will fail her..... maybe realizing this, the woman can step back and become disengaged from the need for dependency and some how allow him the space to recoop and find the strength to realize he is NOT weak or a failure but being a man who does not want to communicate the intensity at which he can no longer sustain. ..... i think the more intensity us women get the more of it that we want..... we expect our man to be super man instead of a man... we are human beings in relationship with another human being....fulfilling roles we are well equiped to maintian, growing into, learning about or are desiring...... demanding what the other cannot give will not make the relationship work.

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