RE: Girls, why did it fail? (Full Version)

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Lashra -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/29/2006 9:39:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble


The second relationship failed because the guy was a lousy dominant who turned out to be a pretty good submissive later on. Our dumping was mutual.. and I didn't kill that one. ;)


Celeste


Not to intrude on the thread as I know its geared towards the sub/slave ladies in the forum. But this statement caught my eye, were you the one who uncovered his true submissive nature or was it something he finally recognized in himself? The reason I ask is I see alot of male *Dom's* who are actually subs by their true nature, they only try to act Dom because they feel its expected of them purely because of their gender. I'm just curious

~Lashra



akisha -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/29/2006 12:38:00 PM)

My first D/s relationship I wouldn't say failed. We parted because he realized for me to be able to go out and grow up I needed the time and space to do so. The sad aspect is we ended up losing touch.  Relaize I was 17 and He was 31. I was just finishing highschool and wanted to go to college etc. I was not in a place where i was ready to settle down and not advance my acedemic growth and where we lived the possibilities for that were limited. Personal growth ofcourse could have happend but would have been limited.

Plus, one thing that would be my fault was I was still having trouble accepting myself as a submissive at that time. When i was with him all was great but I didn't want to acknowledge it outside of our relationship.

As for my nilla relationships... they failed for various reasons. No one person is totally to blame for any failure. Basically i choose men that i never should have. Then when i realized it could not accept them as they were and live the life that entialed it ended. First LTR, I ended, second one he ended though I know i would have with in a year anyway.

Life is a learning experience. We all change constantly. Sometimes we change and adapt together sometimes we don't. I take what I learn from each experience and hopefully learn from it to make the next relationship better.

The biggest thing I've learned is that by knowing yourself and accepting yourself you are more likely to make the right decisions when it comes to chosing a partner. Don't settle, don't think they'll change or grow up etc etc etc. Either go into it knowing and accepting the person as they are and hope for the best or don't go into the relationship. You can't control if they change one way and you don't follow that path but you can control how you enter a relationship and the expectations you have when you do.

*grins* ok done rambling for now.[8D]




slaverosebeauty -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/29/2006 7:56:49 PM)

Its mutual, you both pick one another, yet the slave or submissive chooses to whom they will give control over too, then that decision is no longer theirs. If you are in a hard-core relationship, once control is given ALL privacy, rights and the like are now the property of another. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that stuff out.

Then again, if you are a weekend warrior or into bedroom ONLY play, then that whole thing goes out the window and it's just kink and the choice is made at the drop of a hat or a 'designated weekend.'



BitaTruble -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/29/2006 8:02:41 PM)

quote:




Not to intrude on the thread as I know its geared towards the sub/slave ladies in the forum. But this statement caught my eye, were you the one who uncovered his true submissive nature or was it something he finally recognized in himself? The reason I ask is I see alot of male *Dom's* who are actually subs by their true nature, they only try to act Dom because they feel its expected of them purely because of their gender. I'm just curious

~Lashra


Both actually. Part of his 'training' of me was teaching me how to use various toy's, then having me practice on him. I truly believe that he thought if I knew the other side of the flogger that I would become a better submissive for it. The more skill I gained in the toys, the less dominant he became with me until one day he just flat out asked me if I would be his Mistress. I declined and we parted ways. A few years later he was the full time submissive of a dominant and it's my understanding that's where he remains to this day.

Celeste



keme -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/30/2006 4:17:13 AM)

Hummm ok after reading an giving this some thought I will chuck out my 2 pennies...lol.
One thing I have noticed in my 6 years in the lifestyle is there are a lot of submissives who for whatever reason are trying to punish themselves for some past indecretion. Not saying this of all the submissives I have met but of the ones I found myself killing myself over trying to help them. i watched them take collar after collar seeking something that was not in any Dominant they could find but inside themselves.
In this day and age it seems that with all the available Dominants that it is silly to look inside for what Dominant can give the submissive a bandaid for now. After 2 years of watching this I took a step back and asked myself why I was so deeply offended by the actions of these few. I found that I too had issues I needed to work on and if I was to be valuable to anyone I would have to learn to like myself and so I did. Took nearly 4 years of the shadows watching the lifestyle and focused on just myself... and my growth... purty shellfish...lol. YAY me.
I still have tons of work and I still feel for those I see searching without a clue as to what they are searching for but I now know it is not my issue. I will help where I can and if that is not wanted I will not internalize it and beat myself over it. I took the time to look inside. And you know what??? I am whole and complete all by myself. I would like one day to meet someone who will allow me the service and devotion I crave to give but if not I am ok with that.
Remember nothing can grow where there is no tending... it can adapt but may become twisted and stunted.



NINASHARP -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/30/2006 8:09:46 AM)

I don't want to trash my former first Master, but it was his fault it ended.  It was a poly relationship, and after it ended, I not only lost a Master, but I lost my sub sisters as well. He was a well respected individual in the scene, and very trusting and had such integrity.

Yet, my former first M made little claim to how he screwed it up, and didn't take any responsibility for it.  He even went so far to tell others in the scene that it was me, and how I had out grown the relationship and was needing something more one on one and that wasn't divided as a poly relationship is.  He blamed it on my doming, he blamed everyone but himself. Which still baffles me to this day.

When I met this man, he was the most trusting and sincere loving dominant I had ever met. It was an honor to serve him, and to this day it would still be hard for another to hold a candle to him during the time I called him Master. We were together for over 5 years. It began first as friendship, and then to a mentoring relationship, and progressed to a Master / slave, collar/ contract.  After 14 months of LD, I moved over 900 miles to be near him.

Since it was a poly relationship it was in our contract that my sub sisters and I were allowied to top but not bottom. My former sisters and I would only exchange bodily fluids with him, and vice versa. I remember how I wanted to play (bottom) with another Mistress who was lesbian, and how he gave her a lecture about body fluid exchange and told her that it would not happen with me. She didn't want to create animosity, so we didn't get to play. [:(] 

He and his wife, (also my sub sister) broke the contract by forgetting that clause of body fluids, and without my or my other sub sister's knowledge or consent, went to a swingers club and both swapped fluids with another couple who were complete strangers. 

There was a lot of tossing around about whether I would remain in the relationhsip. I felt betrayed and it was just mind boggling how this could happen. I was still willing to serve him, but he was not willing to use condoms during intercourse and refused to give up the swinging and wanted to actually bring me and my former sub sister into this as well. Having one other sex partner in my life, I just couldn't do this, since it wasn't about s/m, and swinging was only about sex, so thats when and why it failed.



dogobedience -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/26/2007 3:17:42 PM)

As I stated previously, I use this site for many reasons. Sometimes to help others learn, sometimes for my benefit.  Who has been dropped, or dropped recently and why, so others can learn and grow. 



AquaticSub -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/26/2007 3:23:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dogobedience

This is focused to mostly newbies. your age does not matter. When did you become aware that the one you choose (YES DOM'S, they FIRST usually pick us, then we TAKE CONTROL, not until then) was a mistake. 

I ask because I READ MANY PROFILES that say I have found THE ONE........and 2 weeks later you are a wreck...............why, what happens SOOOOOOO fast??? Posers, abusers,cyber freaks, kinky sex dom players, liars, changed mind on WHAT YOU THOUGHT BDSM WAS ALL ABOUT..........what!

Help me understand, and share this so it does not happen so often.........who is changing their profile as we speak from, the ONE........to i am just here to look and recover!!! 

I am here to finish my family, I use this info to help me also find what I need before she is polluted........call me selfish and HONEST!


Because BDSM is no different then the real world, no matter how much people like to pretend it isn't, and most relationships in the real world fail?



NakedGirlScout -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/26/2007 3:34:36 PM)

the first dom unexpectedly kicked me out of his house. We'd been living together happily (I thought) for a year.

He also kicked out:
his 11 yr old son
his 2 cats
his aquarium
all the houseplants

Why? he didn't say. It seemed like he suddenly didn't want any responsibility for ANYTHING. I would be very doubtful that I was the reason for such a global change in his attitude. It must have been something inside him snapped.



beargonewild -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/26/2007 3:43:24 PM)

As one of those newbies who in a short time span, went from being 24/7 slave to being uncollared and free, the actual reality of being owned is far greater in intensity then what we percieve in our mind. it is very difficult to understand actuality of TPE until we actually experience this first hand.
   When I realized I had made a very inappropiate choice, was when I was subject to harsh punishment for an incident that was minior. As a result, it had brought on a traumatic flashback from childhood abuse and afterwards was berift of aftercare. When expressing my fears, I was simply told I wasn't trusting enough so that was when I knew I had to leave.
   And yes I did leave and returned to my home city and had created a new profile and deleted my original. this profile more accurately reflects who I am now. My experience wasn't completely negative as I did learn more about myself and gained a better understanding of my own wants and needs especially in the BDSM world. In the future, I may seek a Dom yet will do so with more clarity on my part and with a better understanding of what I am actually seeking.



subinside -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/26/2007 4:15:08 PM)

my last one failed for several reasons.  We went too fast and he was too weak to slow it down.  He says he proposed because i wanted him to.  He said he began the visa process because it was what i expected. i asked him who the Dom was.. he said that he thought he was, i told him, funny, i had thought so too.  He cheated on me because he knew that i would end the relationship, he was too weak to do it any other way.  He then blamed my surprise on me, because i'd failed to see all the signs he'd sent my way.. A friend said.. yeah right, a woman in love isn't looking for dumbass signs. He's just a coward.  i have to agree with her.



dogobedience -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/26/2007 4:27:05 PM)

Yes even in this lifestyle bad things happen. But how often is it because of a dom who is not what he says he is, either in abilities or lies in general. 



Archer -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/26/2007 4:43:32 PM)

Well lets take a look at somethign written more than a few years ago about M/s relationships and why they sometimes fail.

http://www.mast.net/intl/mfharr/mfh003.htm

Entitled
May 1999 -- EXPECTATIONS:
Where Fantasy Meets Reality
by boy bob Harris

I'm not going to post the article here because I don't have permission to reproduce it.





grlneedstolearn -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/26/2007 4:43:40 PM)

Hmm, good post. My first Dom i was only with for a couple weeks in part because of lying and trying to cover up his lies. Sorry but Doms who will flat out lie to me specifically, is a big no.



Owned1 -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/26/2007 5:10:26 PM)

To the OP, perhaps I am wearing my pollyanna hat however I think this happens as a result of the internet so many now able to explore something that was hidden away.  Those same people are niave, they are tracked/stalked by predators  who then claim to be the DomGodofTheWorld.  The cyber relationship begins ~ profiles change even before speaking on the phone. 

I only hope these individuals are not hurt permanently or too badly and are able to learn and move on.

This is why forums such as CM are so important so new people can come and ask questions from us oldies but goodies and hear true real life answers.

A great question

Owned



VeryMercurial -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/26/2007 5:35:08 PM)

Hello puella, I read your posts here and I just read most of your journal.
I have never read anything online related to a lost love and heartache like that before.
I may be one of the few that actually has a clue as to how you feel.
I just wonder when and what the next step will be for you, though that day may be years away if ever.
If nothing else, I hope you continue to find peace.



ennaozzie -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/26/2007 5:52:22 PM)

Relationships and friendships fail no matter if in the lifestyle or not and wrong choices are made all the time its not exclusive to BDSM or D/s.

One reason might be is that people are afraid to be alone and jump into fast or they jump in to fast for another reason.

beanie



gypsygrl -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/26/2007 5:56:37 PM)

I don't really think in terms of "the one", and have never thought I found it.  But, here's my story...

When I'm in an "I'm looking" phase I'm different from when I'm in an "I found it" phase.  When I'm looking, I seek people I want to get to talk to and know, people I want to be friends with.  When I find such a person and try to git all submissive with them, it generally doesn't work because I go into such a different headspace.  The submissive me doesn't "like" people, doesn't want to "get to know" people, doesn't make friends.  That part of me is driven by totally different logics and needs something totally different. (I'm tempted to speak in third person here, but I don't want anyone thinking that I'm crazier than I am.)

If I could figure out a way to manage this tension in my personality, things would probably work out better.  But, I'd have to invent a third part of me to do that. The uberme. :)

So, when things don't work out, its because some part of me is unsatisfied and starts kicking up "her" heels and becomes a pain in the ass.  Which is why I don't usually approach this stuff as I would if I were looking for a bf/ vanilla partner.  I have to compartmentalize, but even then, it doesn't always work.





corsetgirl -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/27/2007 12:27:10 AM)

I must say these are all insightful and thought provoking posts.  Puella, I can definitely relate to you as I also felt the pain of losing a Dom who I felt could have been that ideal one for me but it did not work out as we were going in different directions.

I am slowly coming to the realization that relationships take time and I need to slow down, get to know the Dom very well as a person first before initiating play.  I am also very guilty of wearing rose-colored glasses only to find that reality has a way of busting that bubble which can be very frustrating.

The search is very hard but I am told that sometimes you have a go through a lot of dommabees in order to find a dom (well, that is my way of looking at going through a lot of frogs to meet the prince theory).  People and circumstances change beyond our control sometimes but life is never boring and one should not give up or become bitter.



LadyPaige -> RE: Girls, why did it fail? (5/27/2007 1:25:40 AM)

Was in too much of a hurry.  We started off intense, but once the heat cooled I didn't like him all that much.



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