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What you want -- - 11/16/2011 2:26:27 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		Do you ever feel like it's difficult to talk about what you want out of a scene? What implements you want used, or what intensity you want?

The thing with my friend is such that he is totally upfront and honest with the fact that he's not into being a Dom, he just wants to be a Top. He doesn't really want "service," beyond a couple of chores here and there.
As more of an s-leaning person, though, I find it hard to talk about what I'd like to do, or what I want from something.
I've noticed more of his self-driven sadistic tendencies coming out since we've been hanging out, and we chit-chat about it a little here and there, but there are some places that we can't "go," because of the nature of the relationship -- which is totally fine. Some things are better left to more serious relationships.

Anyway, do other s-people have difficulty talking about their likes and wants? =p I feel kinda silly even asking the question, it seems like it shouldn't be that hard to do.

Note: This isn't meant as a subs/slaves are better than bottoms, nyah, nyah, nyah type of thread. Juuuust to make that clear.

< Message edited by LillyBoPeep -- 11/16/2011 2:27:13 PM >

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RE: What you want -- - 11/16/2011 2:35:17 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		when I was young yes, but these days? Not at all. I was extremely shy when I was young but these days not as much. I think it might be just an age thing. The older you get the less you give a damn lol. I'm also extremely comfortable with Master so I never feel like I can't make a request as long as it's respectful. I ask and then it's up to him to decide...something else that could possibly be why it's easy for me. I know in the end I'm asking..not telling  him...and it's still doesn't mean I'll get what I requested.




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RE: What you want -- - 11/16/2011 4:37:08 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		That might be part of it. =p I am pretty shy and don't always know how to articulate my thoughts. =p 

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RE: What you want -- - 11/16/2011 5:14:28 PM   
winspiritsbaby


Posts: 141
Status: offline 		I have an extremely hard time to talking about my wants and needs. I always have, so it has no relation so my being sub, just a personality thing I guess.
I feel that it should be an easy thing too, and try to tell myself that however, when the time comes to actually say what I want or need I freeze up.

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RE: What you want -- - 11/16/2011 5:23:50 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		Same for me, it's something that also happens apart from kink interactions. I'm worried to talk about it because I don't want people to get the wrong idea, or think I'm maladjusted.

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RE: What you want -- - 11/16/2011 6:02:08 PM   
winspiritsbaby


Posts: 141
Status: offline 		It's part of what makes us who we are. Anybody that would think that makes us maladjusted needs to get their head out of their ass. Talking about it is the first step to making changes (so I've been told). If this is something you want to change, I don't think you can do it without talking with others to see what has worked for them. I never even thought to post the question myself, so I'm really glad you did. Maybe we can both learn something from it.

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RE: What you want -- - 11/16/2011 6:34:03 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		I agree with you, talking is usually very helpful and it doesn't do you any good to feel embarassed over something that's just part of how you are. :)

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RE: What you want -- - 11/16/2011 6:46:42 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		In the beginning when I was mostly bottoming and just slightly submitting, it was a lot easier to say to him "That tie was fun but can you do it next time with my hands over my head?".

These days, I don't seem to have the ability to ask for anything. I just wait and hope he wants what I want at the same time. I'm a lot more invested in the relationship and rejection of any kind seems to hit harder.


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RE: What you want -- - 11/16/2011 7:08:51 PM   
mummyman321


Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline 		Communication is such a big key. Rather than say what you want a person to do to you it might be better to say/explain what kind of a scene that would excite and the reason it would excites you. Help your partner see your whole mental image rather then just tell them to do an act.

This sounds easier than it is. It took me a long time to understand why I wanted someone to tie me up and tease me. But being able to articulate what it is you desire and more importantly why you desire it goes a long way in a relationship.

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RE: What you want -- - 11/16/2011 8:18:16 PM   
strongbottom88


Posts: 40
Joined: 9/10/2011
Status: offline 		Coming at this as a male bottom/submissive who comes at this more from the sadomasochistic side then the pure service side of things, I may not be coming at it from the same space as you are describing. I would say, however, that I am very comfortable talking about generally liking to be pushed very hard and getting into specific types of play and sensations I have found particluarly intense in previous play. The thing is, I am comfortable talking about it because of previous play. When I was younger and had less experience playing I was less comfortable communicating about it simply because I had less information to work with and maybe because I was less comfortable with my kinks in general.

I would add that while I'm very comfortable talking about what I like during a casual conversation, I am not generally into talking about it while playing. In the scene itself, my biggest drive is that the sadist/top/dominant be doing what it is they want to do and having them ask me repeatedly what I like to experience would kill it.

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RE: What you want -- - 11/16/2011 8:28:06 PM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline 		Sometimes I'm a little shy about asking for something specific; I feel a little embarrassed that I'm requesting something of him--it almost feels a little selfish. Of course, I know that in the end it's up to him to decide what we do, and reminding myself of that is what gets me to open my mouth when I want something. He does appreciate it when I bring ideas to the table, so I always bring it up if I have something in mind...just occasionally I am a bit shy about it. Occasionally there are new ideas I come up with of things I think he'd really enjoy, but I still sometimes get shy when suggesting them, just in case I've come up with a failure of an idea and it gets shot down. Failure and rejection are two annoying fears of mine, but I don't let those fears run my life and thus in the end I always say what I'm thinking.

< Message edited by RaspberryLemon -- 11/16/2011 8:29:34 PM >

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RE: What you want -- - 11/16/2011 8:51:11 PM   
HeatherMcLeather


Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline
quote:

Anyway, do other s-people have difficulty talking about their likes and wants?
Not really. I did, but not any more. We don't discuss or negotiate specific scenes, but what we do is to talk about things a lot. We talk about ideas we have, things we really liked, things we want to try, and so on. And then its up to Hanners and Suze to decide when, or if, to do any of those things. Our discussions are sometimes at random but also part of our regular formal discussions <the hair brushing circles>, so we have a talk about these sorts of things at least every two weeks or so.

Both Cheri and I find it easier to talk about it this way, where we're not actually asking for anything or discussing a specific scene, but rather just expressing our opinions and likes and dislikes. Its also easier to do because its a regular thing, so we don't feel pressured to speak up, we can always think about it some more and mention it in a later talk.

We also all regularly share our fantasies with each other, we do this mostly when we're all snuggled together or during our fireside time. Sometimes one of us will ask another for a fantasy, other times one of us will just tell one out of the blue. Again, because this is a regular thing and it is reciprocal, meaning all of us tell our fantasies, not just the subs, it is easier to do.

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RE: What you want -- - 11/16/2011 10:21:35 PM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline 		Heather: You bring up a really good point. I do find it a lot easier to talk about things I want when it's just us talking about things we like, rather than me making an active request. It feels much more comfortable to just be expressing myself rather than asking for something.

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RE: What you want -- - 11/16/2011 11:13:40 PM   
SoulAlloy


Posts: 2106
Joined: 8/23/2009
From: Preston, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
These days, I don't seem to have the ability to ask for anything. I just wait and hope he wants what I want at the same time. I'm a lot more invested in the relationship and rejection of any kind seems to hit harder.


This is pretty much how I've found it too... If a scene was ok and not great it's very hard to explain that without the other taking offence, the closest I'll get is mid-scene when she does something I like making sure she knows it - louder pleasurable noises, leaning forward to steal a kiss that may be denied etc.

Discussing things you like as Heather suggested is much easier, it's helpful the more relaxed you are. I try not to get too embroiled in the specifics though as it often feels like I'm handing them a script

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RE: What you want -- - 11/17/2011 11:54:12 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		It is a lot easier to talk when you're just hanging out, when it's not a big pointed "well what do you want? what do you like?"
When you're just sorta talking together about stuff that's interesting.
I don't like feeling like I'm giving a script, either, and I guess, ultimately, I don't like feeling like I'm in control. =p


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RE: What you want -- - 11/17/2011 12:00:13 PM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		Difficult or not i am requried to tell Master what i want.  Then is is up to him weather those wants gets satisfied or he satifies me another way.  Sometimes i get shy, but since i have to tell him anyway it is neither here or there so we deal with it.

Matt's littleone

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RE: What you want -- - 11/17/2011 1:01:20 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		I'm shy with a new partner. Once I'm comfortable with him, I can ask for what I want pre or post scene, but often lose the ability to verbalize during.

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RE: What you want -- - 2/15/2012 7:09:57 AM   
hellionsLight


Posts: 241
Joined: 10/18/2011
From: Kearney, NE
Status: offline 		At first I did. After going through the motions of writing what I want, and giving it to him to read, I got used to just stating my thoughts and wants.

I realized that I had to accept that he may say 'no'.

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RE: What you want -- - 2/15/2012 7:14:53 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		We've been together so long that I'm comfortable talking about it with him. But, I also know that doesn't mean it's going to happen.

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RE: What you want -- - 2/15/2012 7:20:55 AM   
hellionsLight


Posts: 241
Joined: 10/18/2011
From: Kearney, NE
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

We've been together so long that I'm comfortable talking about it with him. But, I also know that doesn't mean it's going to happen.



After I accepted that thought, it's really easy to talk to him about anything, LOL.

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