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RE: But, I have gone to sleep with the tv on for 10 years! - 11/18/2011 6:37:33 AM   
DesFIP


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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		JAS, it sounds like you need the tv for companionship, just like you need the dog there for that. If that's why, then if you were with someone you were in a good relationship with, you might find you had enough companionship with him in bed to not need the tv any longer.

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RE: But, I have gone to sleep with the tv on for 10 years! - 11/18/2011 8:34:26 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

Actually I worry about this kind of stuff. I don't know that I want to give up my freedom, I'm a pretty solitary person and I like it that way. I like having things at home according to my taste. I also like being with my partner. I really don't know how it will resolve. He is very open about wanting a future together, and sure, I'd like that. But it would mean me giving up being alone eventually. Hmmm.......yeah, not sure about that. I love him, I like being with him immensely, are those two things enough to balance out giving up what I have for myself? I honestly don't know yet and i'm glad I've got some time to decide.



lizi,

While I really understand what you are saying on many levels, I wonder, what does a "future" together mean for you? Living with anyone can be difficult and frustrating with wanting stuff your way, but I would think most need to consider whether they want to spend the night with their partner daily or just a few times a week.

For some people does relationship mean being together but separate? That isn't snarky, but an honest question. One I have asked myself quite a bit after living alone and not wanting anyone messing with my "stuff," whether that be my kitchen (actually especially my kitchen, lol), sharing my bed, leaving the toilet seat up or sitting in "my" spot on the couch. As the OP implied, how much are we willing to give up for a relationship? Is it worth everything or just some things?

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RE: But, I have gone to sleep with the tv on for 10 years! - 11/18/2011 10:57:12 AM   
NuevaVida


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quote:

ORIGINAL: JstAnotherSub
I think part of my problem is, after a 20 year marriage that was not D/s, but was more domineering asshole, my new found freedoms are something that I thought I would never want.  Being 40 before ever being on my own was so scary, but, having survived it and becoming a completely self sufficient person, I am almost terrified of giving up one little bit of my freedom.

Everything was so easy the first time, a couple of years after my divorce, when my first dom fell into my lap.  I gave my self so easily, and it was painless and effortless.  Now, I wonder if I have changed too much to ever do that again. 

Bah.  Things always seem to happen so easily, when they are right.  I just hope I have not avoided a right one because of my silly inner voices and stubbornness.



You have just completely described me, to a tee, except add to it an extremely strict and emotionally sadistic master right after the marriage.

So yeah, life began in my early 40's, on my own, when I could do whatever the heck I wanted.  I was my own boss - owner of myself.  Very cool.  Awesome, in fact.

So now I'm 2 1/2 years into this really cool relationship and every once in awhile I have these "Holy fuck, am I doing it again??" moments that stop me in my tracks.  Because, for the life of me, I can not lose myself again.

But here's the difference.  The difference is this is a man who encourages me to be happy, to be true to myself, to continue to be the woman I am with all my little quirks.  And when he's wanted things changed, he does it super slowly - baby steps. He also doesn't sweat the small stuff, and he is willing to look at the bigger picture and decide if he really wants me to change something or if he's willing to adapt around something because, after all, maybe HE will grow from that.

So as for the TV, I don't have a TV in my bedroom, because I had such severe sleeping disorders that my bedroom now needs to be my "place of zen" (as I call it) - No TV, No clock, and decorated with colors that I love, candles, and works of art that make me feel peaceful.  He, on the other hand, falls asleep to his TV.  And has a clock.  Huh.

We live separately right now.  In time we will live together.  For now, he turns the TV off when we go to bed. He says he's watching it less and less at bed time, and doesn't miss it.  He says when we move in together, the bedroom will be mine to decorate, to turn into our "place of zen."  He likes how I have my bedroom.  He's willing to expand his own views and change his own room.

On the other hand, he loves to burn insense.  I hate it.  I deal with it.  However, once I made a comment that burning insense while I cook (covering up all the yummy smells of dinner) was incredulous (kidding with that word).  He agreed, and stopped burning it when I cook.

I found that when I joined myself with someone I totally mesh with, I don't have to worry about the little things.  I've adapted to a lot of his ways of doing things, but he's adapted to some of mine, too.  And when I get that "Oh crap, I'm losing myself" feeling (which is less and less frequent), I remind myself of who he is, and that I am keeping myself in check (it's automatic now), and that I can talk to him about it if I decide it's a big concern at some point.  You see, I might give up a little thing here or there, but all the other things I can continue to be totally tips the scale.

The other thing is, merging my life with someone does not have to mean giving up "me", like I did before.  As I let go of old habits and patterns and embrace his, I realize he is also doing some of the same, and I'm keeping the important parts of me....always.


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RE: But, I have gone to sleep with the tv on for 10 years! - 11/18/2011 11:15:20 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I kinda like not being on my own anymore. I was single for over 10 years after my husband died so when I met Master it was nice to have someone around that would hold me accountable for things. Now that we are only 3 miles apart and even though we don't live together we see each other all throughout the week it's nice to have him around and to meld our views and thoughts and habits together, for me to change my habits for him.

I personally hated being on my own and being able to do what I wanted, go when I wanted, etc....With him around I feel more like I have purposes for doing things and not just wandering aimlessly through the world.



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RE: But, I have gone to sleep with the tv on for 10 years! - 11/18/2011 11:51:06 AM   
NuevaVida


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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I personally hated being on my own and being able to do what I wanted, go when I wanted, etc....With him around I feel more like I have purposes for doing things and not just wandering aimlessly through the world.


It's fascinating what opposite ends of life people come from, yet finding peace in a similar place.  I was so happy being on my own and single, and found great purpose in my life - such that I didn't want another relationship. I didn't want to lose the sense of purpose I had discovered.  What I found, though, is he brought an added joy to that purpose that I could not previously fathom.


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RE: But, I have gone to sleep with the tv on for 10 years! - 11/18/2011 3:17:35 PM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		I feel so much better about everything, after coming home and reading the replies.  I had not even thought about the "losing my self" aspect, but that is a lot of it I think.

I worked so hard to get here, and I know there are parts of me that I can not give up.

I think I will just relax and quit thinking so damn much!   i do wish I knew where to go hear some blues tonight.  I have next week off work.


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RE: But, I have gone to sleep with the tv on for 10 years! - 11/18/2011 4:07:34 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		I can definitely relate to the idea of wandering aimlessly in the world. I am not really as fond of being single as I am of being in a unit, feeling useful and like there's a point. But sometimes people misunnderstand that as somekind of unhealty codependency, which it's not at all.
I liked how Kaliko said she was looking forward to adjusting to the "whatever" of someone else.
To me, that's preferable.

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RE: But, I have gone to sleep with the tv on for 10 years! - 11/18/2011 5:33:59 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JstAnotherSub

I worked so hard to get here, and I know there are parts of me that I can not give up.




And the right person won't expect you to. Look at what LBP said...her man was so sensitive to light, but arranged for her to have a night light. Sure, she couldn't sleep with all the lights blazing, but he didn't leave her in the dark either. That is what being in a relationship is all about, even in a D/s or M/s one.

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RE: But, I have gone to sleep with the tv on for 10 years! - 11/18/2011 5:40:24 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		One of the first things I do is find out how a person likes to sleep. lol When I cannot sleep, I want my tv or movies and I don't want to have to turn them up because he is snoring! 

I often wonder if I've gotten too set in my ways, too comfortable in how I do things around here, to be able to adjust even from a dominant side of things. It can't always be the way we call it if we want them functioning. So far I have been very lucky though... once they are asleep... I can do what I want and nothing stirs them... well except for when I actually wake them.


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RE: But, I have gone to sleep with the tv on for 10 years! - 11/18/2011 7:30:11 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

lizi,

While I really understand what you are saying on many levels, I wonder, what does a "future" together mean for you? Living with anyone can be difficult and frustrating with wanting stuff your way, but I would think most need to consider whether they want to spend the night with their partner daily or just a few times a week.

For some people does relationship mean being together but separate? That isn't snarky, but an honest question. One I have asked myself quite a bit after living alone and not wanting anyone messing with my "stuff," whether that be my kitchen (actually especially my kitchen, lol), sharing my bed, leaving the toilet seat up or sitting in "my" spot on the couch. As the OP implied, how much are we willing to give up for a relationship? Is it worth everything or just some things?


I know what a 'future together' means more to him than to me because I'm not really sure what it means. He pictures living together first and then marriage. I have 1 1/2 years left in school, I have to stay where I am for that, so I've got a bit of time to figure out what I want to do and where I want to go. He's looking for a new house right now....wants me to choose it with him so in 2 years I'll move in.

I like being with him, I like sharing space with him. I understand what Littlewonder said about being held accountable to things and wanting a purpose, that resonates. I think being on my own means I get too self-indulgent. But gosh I like getting up in the middle of the night and singing loudly in the middle of the kitchen, or leaving the dishes till tomorrow. Or studying till whenever and having it be drop dead quiet. That's a life-saver right now.

I'm not actually sure how much I want to give up, that's my dilemma. I'm thinking I'll be much more comfortable with giving up some things rather than giving up all of it. Plus...I'm very close to my sons. I like having them feel free to come home whenever they choose to, I know that would change immensely if home was me with another man and in another place. Maybe it'll be a gradual change where they'll move on with their lives as I move on with mine. It's just hard for me to imagine what my future looks like from this point today and as I don't actually have to know yet, it's nice to just do things as they are and enjoy that while it lasts.  I've got it pretty sweet right now in lots of ways. I've got a great relationship and i've got my time alone. I'm happy.

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RE: But, I have gone to sleep with the tv on for 10 years! - 11/18/2011 8:11:34 PM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		I tend to need a TV on, i blame my former Master lol he got me started.  I should clarify this -- i pretty much was an insomniac wherein i only slept maybe 2 hours a night because my mind wouldn't shut off.  Outside of him chaining me to the bed cause he liked sleeping with me next to him, he realized that what the issue was and fixed it by using the TV to help me tune into it so my mind would stop working so much.   This is such a need for me to sleep, i slept in my livingroom until such time i finally got a TV in the bedroom.  But i usually have them on timers.  The thing i need the TV for isn't to watch, its because my mind needs something to actively tune out so it stops thinking enough for me to go to sleep. 

Once i am asleep, i don't need the TV on, so it shuts off.    If i wake up during the night, the whole thing starts over lol the TV comes on and i go to sleep.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 11/18/2011 8:15:21 PM >

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RE: But, I have gone to sleep with the tv on for 10 years! - 11/18/2011 8:23:12 PM   
BKSir


Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline 		They would be giving up going to sleep with the tv on with me around, that's for damn sure. I have insomnia as it is, often only getting 2-3 hours of broken sleep per night, and I absolutely can NOT fall asleep with the television on. The light and sound changes are just too much. I wake up in the middle of the night when the light on my phone turns from orange to green while charging. And it's just one little light, the size of a ball point pen tip.

However, I'm not without compromise. I love falling to sleep with music. Enigma, Lord Of the Rings soundtrack, Ellis Marsallis, really any music will do. The rhythm helps me immensely.

So, it's about finding a compromise that is acceptable to all parties.

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RE: But, I have gone to sleep with the tv on for 10 years! - 11/19/2011 4:13:17 AM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

One of the first things I do is find out how a person likes to sleep. lol When I cannot sleep, I want my tv or movies and I don't want to have to turn them up because he is snoring! 

I often wonder if I've gotten too set in my ways, too comfortable in how I do things around here, to be able to adjust even from a dominant side of things. It can't always be the way we call it if we want them functioning. So far I have been very lucky though... once they are asleep... I can do what I want and nothing stirs them... well except for when I actually wake them.

What she said-lol.


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RE: But, I have gone to sleep with the tv on for 10 years! - 11/19/2011 4:55:47 AM   
TheFireWithinMe


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From: The Depths of Hell
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quote:

Of course, many people, decide they'd rather have things their own way and live on their own.


Personally I'd rather find someone for whom the thing I refuse to give up (smoking) is not an issue. I'm in no hurry to find a man anyway so I'll wait.

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RE: But, I have gone to sleep with the tv on for 10 years! - 11/19/2011 5:17:25 AM   
TheFireWithinMe


Posts: 1672
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From: The Depths of Hell
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JstAnotherSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

One of the first things I do is find out how a person likes to sleep. lol When I cannot sleep, I want my tv or movies and I don't want to have to turn them up because he is snoring! 

I often wonder if I've gotten too set in my ways, too comfortable in how I do things around here, to be able to adjust even from a dominant side of things. It can't always be the way we call it if we want them functioning. So far I have been very lucky though... once they are asleep... I can do what I want and nothing stirs them... well except for when I actually wake them.

What she said-lol.



Reading this thread I think that's me too. What I know for sure is that my next relationship will involve compromises rather than me adjusting to him.


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RE: But, I have gone to sleep with the tv on for 10 years! - 11/20/2011 10:37:37 PM   
slaverachel2Him


Posts: 147
Joined: 11/19/2011
Status: offline 		Oh yes- speaking of TV. Before M/s i used to change the channel at will and demanded the TV on as "background" noise and just in case i wanted to see something. He personally HATES TV. So....as the income earner i insisted it was MY prerogative to watch anything i wanted to because He was retired and didn't work since about age 30. i would walk into the living room and just change the channel to the news, or turn on the TV at will. Regardless of what else was going on. It was rude but i felt entitled. NOW- i ask permission to turn on the TV or change the channel. IF the news is over-i turn it off, His preference. i am no longer allowed to eat candy. i can ask- but he has ALWAYS said no. Twice He offered me the chance to eat candy in a special circumstance. Of course i took Him up on it! These rules apply to home OR anywhere else of course. LOL Onve i slipped at work and when offered candy- said i had to call and ask. i saw the shocked looks and covered it saying "We have a diet plan. We call and ask about candy so the other one can say no." We laughed and i was glad i came up with that so fast! The other thing-red meat and pork. Only at restaurant where the chicken dishes sound less healthy than the meat can i get it and He will too. Not at home.


If snoring is a problem- he might have sleep apnea and needs a CPAP. Also a white noise machine can drown it out. People who snore don't realize how destructive it is to other people's sleep.

< Message edited by slaverachel2Him -- 11/20/2011 10:40:29 PM >

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RE: But, I have gone to sleep with the tv on for 10 years! - 12/4/2011 7:27:36 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel

I tend to need a TV on, i blame my former Master lol he got me started.  I should clarify this -- i pretty much was an insomniac wherein i only slept maybe 2 hours a night because my mind wouldn't shut off.  Outside of him chaining me to the bed cause he liked sleeping with me next to him, he realized that what the issue was and fixed it by using the TV to help me tune into it so my mind would stop working so much.   This is such a need for me to sleep, i slept in my livingroom until such time i finally got a TV in the bedroom.  But i usually have them on timers.  The thing i need the TV for isn't to watch, its because my mind needs something to actively tune out so it stops thinking enough for me to go to sleep. 

Once i am asleep, i don't need the TV on, so it shuts off.    If i wake up during the night, the whole thing starts over lol the TV comes on and i go to sleep.

angel


PERZAKLY why I sleep with the TV on.

But...I stick it on C-Span so it's all talk (no scary movies) and no infomercials waking me up at 3 in the morning with a 50% volume increase. and "But WAIT!!!! If you order today, we'll DOUBLE (that's right....DOUBLE our offer!!!! Just pay additional handling".

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RE: But, I have gone to sleep with the tv on for 10 years! - 12/5/2011 3:14:13 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		That's why I do sudoku before bed. When I'm tired enough, all I see in my mind are numbers. No worrying thoughts or anxiety issues.

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