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Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/17/2011 12:47:12 PM

Servant4Queen

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Ok ....so a female coworker and I decided to go out to lunch for the first time. We have been friends for about 5 years. We chat flirt a little...we have a lot in common. She has a boyfriend who is also the father of her child. So we never really thought about dating ... just friends. Although we have never admitted it to each other directly...but we both like each other.

So it was a mutual idea to go have lunch (both our ideas). I drove, we ate, talked and otherwise had a good time on our hour
lunch. The check comes around and I take a look at the bill as we need to get back to work. I looked at it and moved the check towards the middle of the table so she could look at the check herself. I start digging for my money from my pocket to pay for my portion of my lunch. I slap done a twenty and sort of wait for her to do the same. She doesnt..she checks her text messages and fumbles a bit.
I felt a little funny, thinking to myself hey we need to get going back to work...lets pay and get out of here.
OK she isnt moving...awkward moment approaching....So now I feel awkward and reach in my pocket for another twenty , kinda stalling waiting for her to open her purse. For some reason I feel a little embarassed thinking "does she expect me to pay for her lunch as well?" Well the clock is ticking and I throw in another 20 to cover the bill. I leave a tip and we drive back to work. As she goes back to her office, She finally says "hey thanks for lunch". I say sure we should go out again sometime although I am feeling perplexed. I sit down in my office thinking WTF? This wasnt a date. It was a mutual platonic friend/coworker lunch. Had I went with a male coworker we would have shared the cost of the bill no questions asked. I'm not a cheap bastard at all, I've payed for plenty of dates in my time (plenty) but it bothered me she didnt even offer to pay her fair share as a friend/coworker. Geez this was a date I at least would have expected a peck on the cheek. I'm perplexed right now, Its trivial I know but it bugs me that she expected me to pay as if "you are the guy, you pay" ? ugh!

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/17/2011 12:50:03 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Yeah, that would bug me. In my circle, we front each other for meals if someone is short that week, but it's a mutual deal, and announced beforehand. Or, sometimes one of us will announce that they are picking up the whole check when it arrives.

AWKWARD.

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/17/2011 12:52:06 PM

Hillwilliam

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I think you 2 went in with different expectations. she treated it as a date and you treated it as a platonic lunch. You do, however, seem to want it to go farther. Ask her out for a real date and see what happens. Just realize then that you will be expected to pay.

As I see it, the ball is in your court. The fact you 'chatflirted' means she is interested. It's up to you to pursue things or not. If $20 is all you're out, I'd say that is one of the cheapest lessons you will ever learn LOL.

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/17/2011 12:57:26 PM

LillyBoPeep

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That is sooooo awkward... :p I always offer to pay at least my half, whether it's a date or not. I can't imagine just sitting there like "oh, he'll get it." :p

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/17/2011 1:21:15 PM

Servant4Queen

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lol...yes it was only 25 bucks...it was the cheapest lesson I learned...thats funny. And I think you are right we did have different expectations. However I am not sure how it could construed as a date.

I just needed to vent a little because I am dissapointed, I guess more in myself. She is pretty and all but a bit of a "plain jane" no biggie but I wore some of my nicer clothing to work today because of our lunch together. This was our first official "get togther" And her well... no make up and to be honest she looked a bit dumpy almost like it was just another day. I guess I let my expectations get in the way. bummer.

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/17/2011 1:24:15 PM

littlewonder

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did you invite her? If I invite someone then I pay whether it's a date or just friends out to lunch. If it's a mutual thing then we both pay our own share.

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/17/2011 1:35:51 PM

LadyHibiscus

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How does "invite" work, though? Is "Hey, lets get together for lunch" an invitation?

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/17/2011 1:45:49 PM

LillyBoPeep

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To me, that's not an "I'll pay for everyone" invite, BUT I have a friend who is really Southern and old fashioned, and if she invites you out, no matter how casually, she basically demands to pay (albeit, very politely, and with an adorable Southern drawl =p). She almost gets offended if you don't let her.

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/17/2011 1:52:18 PM

Servant4Queen

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We were both a little shy about it but it was more like you mentioned "Hey, lets get together for lunch". She even reminded me last week "hey we still doing lunch next week?".

I have to laugh this is so trivial ... I know I know. On the other hand I'm letting this bug me because I was getting the feeling this could be a concrete start between us and picking up the check wasnt the entire issue as I am thinking to myself "wouldnt you want to dress to impress him a bit ? " Slap on a little lip stick even?

Ok thanks I just needed to see if that awkward feeling was me being weird or not.

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/27/2011 8:59:07 PM

Clickofheels

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I believe you said that she DOES have a boyfriend, so why would she "dress to impress" you?

When the bill came, I would have either said..."Looks like your portion is $12.00" or whatever hers came to.

Or, hand her the bill and say "if you want to total your share of the bill up, I'll pay the rest and throw in the tip, too."

By not pointing out what she owed, she probably thought you planned on paying.

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/27/2011 9:16:18 PM

Duskypearls

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Regardless of any flirtchat, misunderstandings, or whatnot, I think it was bad form on her part. Next such experience, perhaps ask for separate checks from the git go.

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/27/2011 9:23:29 PM

LafayetteLady

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Servant4Queen

We were both a little shy about it but it was more like you mentioned "Hey, lets get together for lunch". She even reminded me last week "hey we still doing lunch next week?".

I have to laugh this is so trivial ... I know I know. On the other hand I'm letting this bug me because I was getting the feeling this could be a concrete start between us and picking up the check wasnt the entire issue as I am thinking to myself "wouldnt you want to dress to impress him a bit ? " Slap on a little lip stick even?

Ok thanks I just needed to see if that awkward feeling was me being weird or not.

You know she has a boyfriend that she shares a child with and you want her to dress up for you? Yes, she should have paid her share of the bill, but your expectations were definately out of line.

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/27/2011 9:39:30 PM

tazzygirl

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Next time, ask the server for separate checks. She should get the message rather quickly.

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/28/2011 4:34:28 AM

xxblushesxx

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"So it was a mutual idea to go have lunch (both our ideas)." But someone had to say on that day..."Hey, wanna do lunch today?" If that was you, she may have felt that you invited her, and it was your treat. I'm not saying she was right, because that's not how *I* do things, but some ladies are different, and would definitely expect you to pay. You said she was acting a bit awkward at that time, so that tells me she's not generally one of those ladies. (or maybe she'd *like* to be one of those ladies, but doesn't know how to pull it off without acting like a spazz. ) *lol*

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/28/2011 6:28:28 AM

needlesandpins

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the way i see it you were both out of line. you for even considering her in the first place when she is with someone else and has a child with him. you are potentially happy to ruin someone else's happiness for your own gains with someone you don't really know that well. shame on you.

she is at fault because she shouldn't expect you to foot the bill even as a friend. now if she had mentioned beforehand that actually she couldn't make the meal as she is skint and you offered then fine. in this situation though shame on her for assuming.

personally i always expect to pay my way. the first time my playmate and i went for a meal i chose the place we went to eat because i saw something on the menu i fancied and i'm a picky eater, as in what i actually fancy. my playmate said the meal was on him before we ordered, but i refused because my meal was rather expencive and i certainly hadn't considered that he would offer to pay. however, after i had explained my position he still insisted on paying. even now, after more than three years of seeing each other, we still bicker about who is paying for what. not who should pay for what, but i say i'm paying, he says he's paying and there is still no expectation of who should pay.

doing things as friends is cool, but make sure you are both well awear that that is all it is. if either of you has any sort of other expectation or hope for where it could go then she needs to sort her life out first before someone gets very hurt. i guess you both need to talk and set out the ground rules of what you are to each other.

needles

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/28/2011 6:37:47 AM

ShaharThorne

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Unless it is discussed first, I assume that the male will pick up the check. If we both agree, I will cover the rest and the tip. That is how I am.

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/28/2011 6:39:29 AM

tazzygirl

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Even with a co-worker for lunch?

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If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/28/2011 6:47:22 AM

ShaharThorne

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My last major date was with someone working for Dell so I asked for split checks. I was working for the state then.

These days if Mom and I go out, she covers the check and tip but I make sure that there is enough tip for the waitstaff (former waitress). I covered the check last time since it was Mom's birthday.

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/28/2011 7:21:33 AM

agirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Servant4Queen

Ok ....so a female coworker and I decided to go out to lunch for the first time. We have been friends for about 5 years. We chat flirt a little...we have a lot in common. She has a boyfriend who is also the father of her child. So we never really thought about dating ... just friends. Although we have never admitted it to each other directly...but we both like each other.

So it was a mutual idea to go have lunch (both our ideas).

Ok, a couple of things. Considering she has a chap in tow already and neither of you has *admitted* that you like each other......Are you SURE that HER idea of liking you is YOUR idea of liking, based on flirty chat?

M flirts with women a little and I flirt with men a little at times, but there is flirting that is gentle fun, and flirting that *means something more*.

I have a couple of male friends that flirt with me BECAUSE it's safe to do so. I'm not going to get the wrong idea and think they fancy me any further than that. It's silliness not an indication of general intent.

When it comes to your lunch, it's possible that there were too many ambiguities from not knowing each other well enough.You expected her to behave a certain way and she didn't.

You both went to lunch *blind*, and that's a breeding ground for this kind of thing.

I admit that it's easier for a girl to be blunt about sharing the bill and it could be a minefield for a chap. I always make it clear that I am paying for myself because I've been in enough situations where chaps assume that paying for lunch *means* something.

I think it'd be a LOT harder for a chap to say the same thing beforehand........lol. *By the way, I'm only paying for myself* How many guys would be seen as a tightwad if they said that? A girl says that and it's seen as heroic........LOL

It's one of those gender sensitive situations unless you personally rid yourself of them.

agirl

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/28/2011 7:34:37 AM

agirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ShaharThorne

These days if Mom and I go out, she covers the check and tip but I make sure that there is enough tip for the waitstaff (former waitress). I covered the check last time since it was Mom's birthday.

If I go out with my father, he pays for everything. I can't even buy a ruddy coffee. It makes him feel good and I'm not going to spoil that for selfish reasons.

If I go out with my Mum, we just automatically pay for ourselves. If I'm doing loads of driving, she will often buy my grub for that reason; a being *fair* situation.

This, *who should pay* thing does tend to be something that people pussy-foot around. It's surprising how many feelings surround money in this way, but there you go.

agirl

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