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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/18/2011 6:36:38 PM

CornbreadRed

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Please excuse the typos, my computer keyboard is sticking. I thought I fixed them before posting.

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/18/2011 7:22:01 PM

Alecta

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I'm sorry you haven't been able to get a hold of him.

I'm just going to throw out some possibilities for you to consider in no particular order of assessment...

On Kink, it is very possible that he does not understand your level and interpretation of kink. Few people out of the lifestyle truly do. To them, more often than not "kink" means you're a depraved slut or something similar. I don't know your understanding of kink, but make sure he does. That he didn't seem to mind until you said you're still friends with kinky partners or kinky friends could be something he's reading as "I'm into orgies and have a bunch of other people I sleep with whenever", or the penultimate "I am still on booty calls with my Ex".

About the thing with POF, could it be, in his clumsy silly male way, he is trying to show you that he has no interest or eyes for anyone else now that he has you? It is annoying, but happens quite frequently especially with men who have a more boyish nature. They get so into you they forget you're another woman on there too. You are no longer an individual woman, you're part of his inner circle. And when you ask him why you, he doesn't have an answer because he doesn't know. What he did with the other profiles was pick them apart to invent reasons to reject them. He does not want to reject you, so when he looked at your profile, he could find nothing to say. The big telling thing is if he had anything GOOD to say about those profiles, along the lines of "I'd be into that". IF he did, you're just a genderless friend to him whether he realised this or not. Maybe a FWB, sorry. -- The thing you really have to ask yourself though is if you could be happy with someone who relates to you in this way. Who is able to bring you roses and make you breakfast after a night of no sex and loan you his jacket, but is not equipped to be sensitive to your feminine sensibilities.

On the flip side, is it possible that all the great things that you like about him is an act? Learned or calculated behaviour to get you into him and hanging on to every word and moment?

quote:

Im kinda on the submissive side and youre just gonna have to tell me. I laughed and he said, Restaurant, time, day. Then said if youre late youll get a spanking.

You don't need to be IN the lifestyle to make comments or jokes about it. You don't have to have raised a pig, as the idiom goes, to have tasted pork. People are able to say little things like Happy Hanukkah without being Jewish... I think you read too much into his response, and the subsequent introduction you gave him into your involvement in the kink caught him off guard because he isn't seriously thinking about spanking you, it was just his sense of humour.

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/19/2011 7:23:19 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

After dinner on our third date we went back to his place (first time there) and we watched some tv etc.. and we kissed some. We havent had sex. We havent discussed anything really, just getting to know each other.

Later on in the evening he showed me some profiles of the women on POF (plenty of Fish where we met). I didnt ask him to do it but he wanted to show some and actually read me some of the letters. He then began to pick apart the women's pics by what is in them. He said often that he couldnt get this one and keep her happy, or that one is use to expensive stuff..etc.. things like that. Then he said he could never afford to keep this one or why would she want me? Well. I kinda sat them dumbfounded that he did this. Because I thought well what am I chopliver for liking you? Are you settling for me? Maybe I should have said something to him about it but I didnt. Well later on we talked some more and kissed while on the bed. And you know how things go, he began kissing my breast. In the moment I said oh you like that D cup? He said halfhearted, Well, its alright as he shrugged his shoulders.(and he meant it, not like in a joking maner) I was offended and sat up. That's when he said Oh no.. I mean its ok..

That's really odd behavior and you are right to feel red flags. I did a lot of dating last year, and learned to trust my gut. Initial weirdness only got weirder. When you get the warning signs, it's better to move on and find someone that doesn't display them. Plenty of fish in the sea - no reason to settle for someone who makes you feel like chopped liver.

I see you are in Florida - this calendar is mostly for South Florida events, but covers other parts of the state as well: http://www.sfmunch.com/SFmunch_Calendar.html

< Message edited by kalikshama -- 11/19/2011 7:26:35 AM >

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/19/2011 8:18:17 AM

JanahX

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The obvious problem here is that there was too much jibber-jabber.

You should of been sucking his cock all night. At this very moment he would be putty in your hands.
tisk-tisk.

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/19/2011 8:48:20 AM

LafayetteLady

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Plenty of fish in the sea -

Intentional pun or coincidence?

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/19/2011 9:02:24 AM

LafayetteLady

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CornbreadRed

itsjust that 20 minutes or so with the computer that threw me off track. I kept thinking its just wrong.

Could that "20 minutes" be the time he slipped from his best behavior "persona" and showed his true colors?

For me, that 20 minutes is a deal breaker. A general rule of dating is that unless specifically asked, details on other relationships or worse, potential relationships is not a topic of discussion.

You could, theoretically, turn the tables. Even without going to the site, you could talk about the other men you met on there and talk about how they were so into sex, followed by "hey, you showed up, so I figured I would give you a shot." Say anything really, from "this one guy was so hot, but couldn't string sentences together," just to see if he reacts in a way that indicates he finds the discussion unappealing. When he does, calmly tell him that it wasn't fun for you either to hear him talk about his previous contacts on POF.

quote:

Another thin, he hasnt contacted me in the last few days. Ive been out of town but home now and I tried chatting with him but no answer, no call, no email, no txt.
Maybe he gave ME an answer??? LOL..Maybe I will take his jacket and leave it on his porch?? I dont know.

Really? If the jacket means that much to him, he will contact you to get it back. Submissive nature or not, why should you go out of your way for this guy?

For some reason, I don't think it is sensitivity and consideration of your feelings that is causing this guy to be "ok" with there being no sex yet. It doesn't sound like he has been all that "make out" affectionate with you on any of your dates. Most guys aren't so stupid as to not realize that when you said something about your breasts, his response was pretty much a mood killer.

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/19/2011 9:24:43 AM

poise

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I'm beginning to wonder if any of this would have bothered you were he kinky, by your definition.
Your post seems to reference if quite often. Do you feel you would excuse his behavior were he dominant?

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/19/2011 9:53:49 AM

Killerangel

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My two cents is that his comment about your breasts was a deal breaker right there. The stuff with the other women was weird, but for him to say that something intimately connected with you is 'alright' and then upgrades it to 'ok', is just incomprehensible with a mean twist. Any man in the world can see where that would be not the best thing to do to have a prospective woman like you, and want to have sex with you.

Any person in general knows that if you want to make a favorable impression on someone you compliment them honestly and try to make them feel good about being with you. Here he is saying to your face "You're not all that."Interesting choice on his part. Makes me wonder if he'll be emotionally abusive down the road. I know that's a huge leap, and I'm kind of ashamed to even mention it, but the comment just really seems off and it came to mind that he said that because it's his normal way of acting. Plus if he doesn't see anything wrong with making that type of comment now, what's in store for the future like everyone else has pointed out.

It's clear that you are feeling some hesitation. That's mostly what makes me feel he isn't the one for you. What would be the harm though in checking it out a bit further? Then you'll be sure and you won't have any questions for yourself later when you wonder 'what if'?

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/19/2011 4:21:42 PM

GaryXXX

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

My two cents is that his comment about your breasts was a deal breaker right there. The stuff with the other women was weird, but for him to say that something intimately connected with you is 'alright' and then upgrades it to 'ok', is just incomprehensible with a mean twist. Any man in the world can see where that would be not the best thing to do to have a prospective woman like you, and want to have sex with you.

Agree with what he said abou ]t the breast thing .

The profile thing was weird , trying to work out why he would do that . Is he very well off money wise and was saying to you I won't be used for his money .

I don't know , go with your gut , you seem like a nice , good decent person , and remember there's always plenty of fish in the sea

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/20/2011 10:49:06 AM

CornbreadRed

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Wow... sooo many things to make me think. I have to take more time to examine your thoughts because alot of it makes sense.. but to answer right off about the remarks being fine if he were a Dom. NO. It would not have made a difference in my attitude if he had been in the life as opposed to vanilla. It still would have been wrong and in fact, I probably would have held him to a higher standard than a "regular" guy. Does that makes sense?
I do think he is "testing" me in that being in law enforcement he does notice things I do more than most men...or maybe He says some things to see how I do react?.. Im not sure how to explain it.

As an update, I did talk with him yesterday. He asked basic things, how am I? enjoy the trip? That sort of thing but our conversation was short, maybe 10 minutes. But He is home sick and sounded terrible. So, I can understand not talking alot.

Life has went on as usual for me. Life is good.

To answer some questions. He is affectionate and tried often over the night but I just didnt feel right about it. At this point Im glad we didnt have sex because that would have totally roller coastered my heart. I do beleive he has let me "in" his inner cirlce so to phrase. Im thankful for that because I really like this man. Im just not sure for some odd reason. Maybe Im thinking too hard? Maybe I should go with the flow and see things just straight out.

He did say to me as we were snuggled close face to face as he looked at me, "I didnt know people like you still existed."
Great line huh? only I think he meant it. Maybe being in law enforcement for 30 years has jaded him? Maybe Im just stupid and gullible? Maybe he's playing me and since I didnt 'give it up' he's being distant?
*sighs

Letting it flow for a while wont be a bad idea. To see how things go alittle more..?

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/20/2011 11:05:56 AM

LafayetteLady

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Honestly CBR? I think that, for whatever reason, you want to find reasons this man's behavior was "ok."

His being in law enforcement makes him notice things you do more. Yea, not really. It would depend on his job in law enforcement, and still doesn't mean he is going to analyze the behavior of the people he is with to that extent.

The conversation was short because he was home sick. You haven't talked or seen each other in days. If he was into you, sick or not, he was going to want to talk to you.

He was sweet during the night you spent together. He kept trying to get you to have sex with him, that isn't sweet, that is being a guy. The comment being "hearfelt?" He probably hasn't had women in his bed that stuck to their guns.

I think you are looking at his aloof behavior as something special.

Some people here may agree with me, some will no doubt think I'm being too hard on him.

You are going to keep seeing him regardless of what we say, so good luck.

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/20/2011 11:07:18 AM

RumpusParable

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CornbreadRed

I didnt want to give too much information because I think it might cloud your opinions???

Hes a really sweet man. But I dont know what to think. I dont really know what info would be beneficial to this thread to give.

He is:
Divorced, Law Enforcement, grown kids, 4 years from retirement, church, missionary work to Nicaragua every year, nice home, truck, loves all music, loves to cook.. can, garden, stuff like that.
I like doing those things.
Okay.. for instance before our third meet he asked me where I wanted to go to dinner and he gave different ideas based on things we both like. Finally, I just blurted out, Ok look.. Im kinda on the submissive side and youre just gonna have to tell me. I laughed and he said, Restaurant, time, day. Then said if youre late youll get a spanking. ALL that was before I mentioned the BDSM that night. So, I kinda went with it that maybe he had some experience afterall... or maybe doesnt have the "wording" for it. But I found out late that night that he had no idea about things kink. Not the way I guess I do by being on sites etc..and meeting others..having friends.
We like the same things in life. We enjoy doing similar things.. its just this one conversation that has stuck in my head. And the way it made me feel.
I asked him to pull up my profile and do the same thing that he did to the other girls. He pulled it up but said he had nothing to say about it. I asked why he wanted to date me. He said, Because youre pretty. That was the first and only time in three dates he even acknowledged Im pretty. NOT that he needs to say that but geez, youd think he would tell me something positive.
He didnt say things like we have alot in common etc. All he said was because Im pretty. Well. ALL those women were pretty.
I dont know how to sort my feelings. Im trying to be who I am yet in a good way. Now dont take this wrongly. For me, monogamy is right. Im not turning my back on Lifestyle friends who come in all flavours.. Im just in my personal sexual life more reserved to one specific person. And with him, if I can be myself explore openly and get alittle wild.
i just want to find the right One. Know what I mean...?
My guts are all twisted.

Honestly? Your description of the things you two have in common compared to the way he actually acts and the way it sounds you feel come out to this:

He's one that looks good on paper but isn't a match in real life. In other words, if you were just going by lists of interests and such he looks like a good catch, but when meeting and spending time things aren't really working so great.

This happens a lot when meeting folks "through paper" (such as online or when a friend gives a run down on someone they hope you'll like). Ideally they'd be a good match, but in reality they aren't.

If I were you I'd move on. This guy doesn't sound good for you. For me, he's definitely not good as his behaviors are not caring, desiring, or confident sounding. And I need those three things in a mate.

So take some time and look at how much he *sounds* good vs how he really is treating you.

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/20/2011 11:38:12 AM

CornbreadRed

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I think all of you are right on some level.
I think its true. If he was really into e,he would have called more.
If he was into me, he would have done more to make me feel special..
Its only been three dates and Im already got gut feelings and red flags...
ok.

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate all of you taking the time to read all this and give your thoughts. Sometimesit helps having those that are not a part of it to give cut and dry views. I really thank you for this.

hugs and kisses
:)

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/20/2011 11:43:54 AM

sheisreeds

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CornbreadRed
Maybe Im thinking too hard?

Yes.

Also, ask him. Don't just run through countless assumptions of what his various statements mean, ask him what they mean. Also, I have met some incredibly kinky people on vanilla dating sites (like my current partner), but it isn't the norm. That being said I've met some incredibly vanilla people on kinky sites ;)

Which is why it's important to not leave the kink talk to innuendo. Give him a real snippet on your experiences and fantasies, and ask him a lot of questions. If you scare him off it wasn't meant to be.

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/24/2011 1:23:03 PM

CornbreadRed

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Update:

I tried to chat with him to no avail. So, I removed him from my FB account.. and we dont talk anymore. I dont really understand other than I didnt have sex with him. Im gonna leave it at that..my guts were right not to have sex with him.

Good news? I got a nice leather jacket. Some would say his loss, my gain. Some would say small price to pay... whichever..

Thank you all for the advice. Life goes on.

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/24/2011 2:37:07 PM

LafayetteLady

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CornbreadRed

Update:

I tried to chat with him to no avail. So, I removed him from my FB account.. and we dont talk anymore. I dont really understand other than I didnt have sex with him. Im gonna leave it at that..my guts were right not to have sex with him.

Good news? I got a nice leather jacket. Some would say his loss, my gain. Some would say small price to pay... whichever..

Thank you all for the advice. Life goes on.

Good for you! So apparently he was playing the "patient gentleman" hoping you would give in and do the deed.

See? ALWAYS follow your gut.

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/24/2011 2:50:06 PM

Duskypearls

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CornbreadRed

Update:

I tried to chat with him to no avail. So, I removed him from my FB account.. and we dont talk anymore. I dont really understand other than I didnt have sex with him. Im gonna leave it at that..my guts were right not to have sex with him.

Good news? I got a nice leather jacket. Some would say his loss, my gain. Some would say small price to pay... whichever..

Thank you all for the advice. Life goes on.

Personally, I would give back the jacket, as it's imbued with the energy of the "not so wonderful" owner. Who needs that? To do otherwise seems thoughtless and selfish to me. You have no way of knowing what the jacket might mean to him. Why be bound to him, and risk him possibly wanting to get back in touch with you to retrieve it? Don't give him any ammunition. I'd make a clean break and be done with him. Break all ties, and give it back. There's no benefit to either of you if you keep it. It wasn't a gift, nor did you "earn it," so it's not yours. You have no right to it. Would you want the same done to you?

This is MY opinion only. You do what you think is right.

< Message edited by Duskypearls -- 11/24/2011 2:51:18 PM >

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/24/2011 5:14:30 PM

JanahX

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The jacket? Leave him a message that it will be outside your house in a garbage bag for him to come and pick up. Tell him it will be left there for a week before you dispose of it.

Dont hang onto it ... bad ju-ju.

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RE: Needing some guidance - 11/24/2011 7:51:28 PM

MistressDarkArt

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This was not meant to be. News flash: you're a kinky submissive woman. KSWs are in great demand. You can do better. MUCH better.

PS: I agree about the jacket. If he doesn't pick it up within a reasonable amount of time, donate it to someone who's freezing and could really use it.

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Post #: 39

RE: Needing some guidance - 11/25/2011 5:27:51 AM

CornbreadRed

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Well, to tell the truth I couldnt keep it if I wanted to... Im not that kind of person. Its in a bag along with his favorite cd he wanted me to listen to... I just dont get it at all,yall... and I will give it all back.
:)
... Im really a good girl... and yes, listening to my inner voice and gut is always best! (Maybe he was just playing good cop but when it didnt work he's showing his true self, Im not sure.)
But thank you for the advice. Keep me in your prayers if I happen to pop in your hearts..