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Apology vs. Actions - 11/22/2011 12:52:00 PM   
VirginPotty


Posts: 11624
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: Virginville
Status: offline 		This is something that I've witnessed and I was wondering how posters here would react to the following scenario:

If someone you loved did something so wrong to you that it just devastated you (no abuse verbal or physical merely a selfish act) would you only accept an apology from said person or would their actions (showing that they were sorry) speak louder than words?

The actions would not involve a verbal apology.

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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/22/2011 12:54:15 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		I would need a sincere verbal apology followed by actions that showed me it was, indeed, sincere.




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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/22/2011 12:56:27 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		What Chatte said.

Although, to be honest with you, based upon your description Potty.......I don't know if the relationship would survive it. I put too much trust into the relationships I have with the people I love, give too much of myself........ to feel 'devastated' would possibly also devastate the relationship.


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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/22/2011 12:57:47 PM   
Lockit


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Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Actions speak louder than words that anyone can mouth... but I would have to have both.

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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/22/2011 12:58:03 PM   
Servant4Queen


Posts: 179
Joined: 8/18/2008
Status: offline 		If it were that bad I would need both. I suppose it would depend on what it is...

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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/22/2011 12:58:40 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Authentic apology from their heart and soul and then I would watch their actions to see if they back up what they say.

Verbal apology alone doesn't do it for me. That alone would just make me feel uneasy and distrustful.



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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/22/2011 1:00:03 PM   
kalikshama


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

Actions speak louder than words that anyone can mouth... but I would have to have both.


Another vote for both, and that actions speak louder than words.

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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/22/2011 1:00:27 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Apology... well, I would expect ACKNOWLEGEMENT that they did something wrong, something that hurt me. Apologies are not meaningful without that. Maybe I would stick around to see if their actions spoke. Probably not, though.

ETA: When my trust is broken, that's pretty much IT for me. How long would I want to hang around for someone to cheat on me, spread lies, steal? Or whatever the betrayal was.

< Message edited by LadyHibiscus -- 11/22/2011 1:02:01 PM >

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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/22/2011 1:06:30 PM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		To me, actions always are the way to go.  I wouldn't need an apology, i am not big on apologies.  I think what i usually need is an explanation and a discussion as to why i thought it was selfish, why it devastated me and a big part is why he did it and if he thought he was being selfish.    This would give me closure more than any apology could.  But to me, it would allow us to understand where we both were coming from.  To me, if he feels he needs to apologize to help him through the issue -- okay, but i don't need it.  I need his actions to allow me to trust him and i need his explanation to start bridging the gap his actions may have caused.

But also, to me, i need to know why he needed to do it when he knew it would cause such devastation.

All in all, for me its the whys, explanation and actions -- not the apology that brings closure and ability to start healing.

angel

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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/22/2011 1:13:06 PM   
Servant4Queen


Posts: 179
Joined: 8/18/2008
Status: offline 		Some people just have a hard time saying "I'm sorry" in fact my ex was like that. It was a very rare occasion to hear it no matter what happened. So there was some value in an apology from her. Then again others can roll off a thousand I'm sorry's they add up to nothing.

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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/22/2011 1:17:34 PM   
VirginPotty


Posts: 11624
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: Virginville
Status: offline 		Thanks for your posts everyone.  You pretty much echoed my thoughts.

Devastation (much like beauty) is in the eye of the beholder and what was devastating in this scenario might not be devastating to you & I didn't want a long drawn out debate reg. who was right vs who was wrong so I just gave you the bare bones and as usual you did not disappoint!

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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/22/2011 1:19:23 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		For me, in a really serious situation like that, I need both -- a genuine apology -- acknowledgement that something happened that hurt me -- and the actions to back that up.
The apology can't stand alone. Actions, sometimes, actually can, but taking the effort to literally say that what happened was wrong or hurtful, to voice it and own it, that shows that the person values my feelings.


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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/22/2011 1:28:20 PM   
stellauk


Posts: 1360
Status: offline 		To me the apology is irrelevant and nothing more than a gesture, pure tokenism. I tend to go by people's decisions and actions.

But then again it depends on the person, what they did, and the relationship.

You see, if the relationship were to continue in any form then it would be the actions. If the relationship is over then neither is that important.

If I feel I need to demand an apology I would much rather shortcut this and take the initiative to forgive, sans apology. Then it gives the person an opportunity to decide whether to put right where they've gone wrong or not. To me, making that choice really is the bottom line.

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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/22/2011 1:31:19 PM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		I have only been devastated by someone I love once.  I walked away and never looked back.  Nothing could have made it better.

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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/22/2011 2:26:51 PM   
TheFireWithinMe


Posts: 1672
Joined: 10/3/2011
From: The Depths of Hell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Apology... well, I would expect ACKNOWLEGEMENT that they did something wrong, something that hurt me. Apologies are not meaningful without that. Maybe I would stick around to see if their actions spoke. Probably not, though.

ETA: When my trust is broken, that's pretty much IT for me. How long would I want to hang around for someone to cheat on me, spread lies, steal? Or whatever the betrayal was.


Ditto here. Without acknowledging that they did something wrong the apology would be meaningless. THEN their actions would need to match the words. All that said, depending on what it was I'm not sure the relationship wouldn't be over.


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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/22/2011 3:26:37 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

I would need a sincere verbal apology followed by actions that showed me it was, indeed, sincere.




Another vote for the above.

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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/22/2011 3:47:30 PM   
needlesandpins


Posts: 3901
Status: offline 		my ex's sorry was about as meaningful as his promices. he never kept one single promice throughout our entire relationship of 16 years. even my son learnt that a spoken sorry stands for sod all with him. actions most certainly had to be there with him for it to mean anything.

the word sorry to alot of people is just an easy fob off. even worse the 'i'm sorry you feel that way about it' not 'i'm sorry i've made you feel like that'. also the amount of times i've been upset by actions only to have it turned around on me as though i'm the one that caused the situation in the first place and deserve to feel that way. or my thoughts on the subject are stupid and so it's my fault i feel like i do. the total lack of accepting responsibility for what they have done and making me the one in the wrong really pisses me off.

as others have said though, there are certain things that there is just no going on from. i have a couple of limits for any sort of relationship, hit those limits and you can just fuck right off because there's not a word coming out of your mouth going to change it for the better. trust is a huge issue for me and alot of the time i have to give it freely to allow people to be close to me. but you only get one shot at it, shatter that trust and it's never coming back.

needles

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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/22/2011 7:07:44 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'd need a sincere acceptance of his wrong doing, an explanation of why he did it, an outlined plan of action to avoid repeating it, and actions taken.

And the relationship might not still survive. Because I wouldn't trust him anymore and he would have to accept that my distrust was valid and would last until I felt differently, which would be a long time. Unfortunately most wrongdoers don't want to accept that they need to work at forgiveness for years before being trusted again to any significant degree, which probably would never be as deep as it was before they did what they did.


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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/22/2011 8:00:19 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I'd need a sincere acceptance of his wrong doing, an explanation of why he did it, an outlined plan of action to avoid repeating it, and actions taken.



Oh boy, all of this, especially the bolded part! If the answer is...'ummm, I don't know why I did it, it just happened'...I'm gone. Most everybody gets one free one with me. After that, it's shame on me for sticking around.

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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/22/2011 8:47:18 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Hi VP,

For me, both would probably be important.

As for forgiveness: everyone can be unknowingly thoughtless.
It happens.
If the relationship were important to me, then I would bear that in mind when I made any decisions.

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