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njlauren -> RE: Finding whats best for US (11/25/2011 1:04:21 PM)
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I don't have direct experience with poly relationships myself, but have been around people who do it and of course read about it. Poly relationships from everything I can tell are some of the most difficult because people have emotional needs that they can feel get trampled in those kinds of relationships. I have to agree with others, if I was interested in being in a poly relationship what I have seen of your profile and such would make it difficult to be interested. If you are looking to bring another woman into your primary relationship, someone with any sense of self is going to look and say "okay, what is in it for me?". A bisexual woman in such a relationship might, for example, look at having lovers of both genders, almost in a triangle relationship, or a sub one might want where the wife is her mistress and the hubby is either her master or her mistresses master......I realize that isn't what you are looking for, only using that as examples of what someone might be looking for.
If it is to be a V relationship (a good description) with hubby in the vertice, then how do the two women relate? Is the third person submissive to the wife, an 'equal' wife, or someone who will live in and will serve as hubbies 'second wife' when he wants that (I am talking sex) and otherwise is sort of a sister to the wife? Is the third there in a somewhat equal capacity or is she to be in some way submissive or perhaps a slave to the hubby? It sounds more like a controlled relationship from the profile, where she will work where and when you want her to, etc, but that makes it more difficult, because someone going into a live in relationship and giving up control is at the mercy of the couple. What if it doesn't work out, let's say primary wife gets jealous (which can happen), or otherwise the person isn't good, what happens to them? Do you tell them to pack their bags and it is nice knowing you? What about things like health insurance, if the woman doesn't work, what about that?
I think you are getting my drift, if you are searching for someone like you want you need to think all that out, and also if you are actually going to try and make this work a good part of it will be what the third woman wants as well as you and your wife. Even if you were looking for a slave, it doesn't work out where the owner/master/mistress sets all the rules, just not like that, plus even in those relationships things change, status changes, needs change and so forth. You can get great advice on here, but I recommend you and your wife try to iron out what you are looking for in this relationship, what is non negotiable (i.e for example if wife isn't involved sexually with the third woman, or won't be involved with hubby and second woman in a threesome, or hubby sleeps in wifes bed always...), and what is negotiable (for example, could third woman continue to work as part of the household, to maintain insurance coverage and have support if things bomb out...), and also maybe indicate to start, it won't be a live in arrangement for x period of time, but after that time then it becomes live in.....you get the idea, you can't just drift into something like this IMO without knowing what you are looking for, at least in the major pieces. Poly relationships are compicated from what I have seen but take a lot of work, it isn't simple.
One book I read on poly that was a good introduction was "Ethical Sluts" by Dorrie Easton, it is now pretty old, but it talked about the issues and such of any kind of alt relationship involving more then 2 people.
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