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RE: vanilla diferances to D/s - 11/27/2011 12:42:25 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		Yah - earlier in the thread I asked if he had an idea of what "kinky sex" meant to him, but he didn't know. I do think it's helpful to differetiate between "kinky this" and "vanilla that" for the benefit of discussion at times.
But the problem is, first you have to come to a consensus on these things, and that's not so easy to do. To me, "regular" sex is still kinnky in a power exchange relatinshiip, because the PE is still there. Everything's about power. Likewise, otherwise-vanilla people cann have fun being kinky with scarves and a cheap flogger, and go back to their regularly scheduled programming, in spite of the kinked-up sex.

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RE: vanilla diferances to D/s - 11/27/2011 12:49:29 PM   
sheisreeds


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep
To me, "regular" sex is still kinnky in a power exchange relatinshiip, because the PE is still there. Everything's about power. Likewise, otherwise-vanilla people cann have fun being kinky with scarves and a cheap flogger, and go back to their regularly scheduled programming, in spite of the kinked-up sex.


This.

Also, in a vanilla relationship, smacking the guy in the face on a night when the toys aren't on the bedstand, doesn't go over very well.



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RE: vanilla diferances to D/s - 11/27/2011 1:14:31 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

For me, no...no differences at all....except maybe he calls me his slave. Other than that though...no, none.

Then again I'm very traditional in that I've always had relationships with dominant personality men who are head of the household and women are the ones that submit to their men. It's how I grew up, it's how I've always been.

As for the kinky sex? I  have no idea really what that means. Maybe it's just me but sex for me has always been what it is now.



Exactly... just as I'd stated, very little difference at all -- simply a dynamic where one person has absolute authority, and everything else is the same.

With regard to "kinky sex"?  That's subjective... what's "kinky" to one may not be "kinky" to another.  However, I'm guessing most of the 'nilla sort would think enjoying things like fully binding and raping another's holes, or whipping/beating them, pissing on (or in) them, or gang-bangs and so forth as falling into the "kink" category.






< Message edited by MasterSlaveLA -- 11/27/2011 1:15:59 PM >

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RE: vanilla diferances to D/s - 11/27/2011 1:15:15 PM   
LafayetteLady


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From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

Yah - earlier in the thread I asked if he had an idea of what "kinky sex" meant to him, but he didn't know. I do think it's helpful to differetiate between "kinky this" and "vanilla that" for the benefit of discussion at times.
But the problem is, first you have to come to a consensus on these things, and that's not so easy to do. To me, "regular" sex is still kinnky in a power exchange relatinshiip, because the PE is still there. Everything's about power. Likewise, otherwise-vanilla people cann have fun being kinky with scarves and a cheap flogger, and go back to their regularly scheduled programming, in spite of the kinked-up sex.


The thing is that everyone is "otherwise vanilla" in some aspect of their life. Jobs, families, outside obligations tend to be more "vanilla" in nature. Even in a 24/7 type of relationship, there are "vanilla" moments.

Not that long ago, blow jobs and anal sex were considered kinky. For some people they still are. It isn't up to you, me or anyone else to tell them what is or is not kinky for them.

Realistically, when you create a profile, they have all these nifty little items we can choose as likes/dislikes. That will give the OP a decent concept of what some of the more universaly "kinky" things are. We can all try to help guide him along the way, but when people start trying to pin it down to "basic" definitions that go beyond what BDSM stands for or what certain terms mean, those definitions stop being basic.

While flogging is always flogging, power exchange differs for everyone. I think the most important thing that "newbies" need to learn is that the whole "true way" thing is a crock of shit. More often than not, those are the questions that come up on the boards; "ubersuperdupermaster said I wasn't sub because...." Learning from the start that being who you want to be within your own limits is important.

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RE: vanilla diferances to D/s - 11/27/2011 1:18:47 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

The thing is that everyone is "otherwise vanilla" in some aspect of their life. Jobs, families, outside obligations tend to be more "vanilla" in nature. Even in a 24/7 type of relationship, there are "vanilla" moments.



HA... often MORE "vanilla" than anything else?!!  The 'nilla stuff takes up a LOT of time!!! 



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RE: vanilla diferances to D/s - 11/27/2011 1:22:04 PM   
LillyBoPeep


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Status: offline 		See, to me, yeah, I'm at a job, but the core of me is still the same. I'm still the girl who likes what I like and thinks what I think, even if I'm at work. I just de-emphasize that. That's why I like to say it's all just life to me.and no, it's nnot up to me to apply my standards to someonnne else - what I meant were those people who DON'T identify as kinky in spite of liking kinky sex. They consider themselves vanilla otherwise. I donn't use terms like "D/s in vanilla clothing" for that reason - I don't want to apply my standards to someone who doesn't want to participate.

Anyway, I do agree that people should learn that it's okay to be themselves, whatever that may be.

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RE: vanilla diferances to D/s - 11/27/2011 2:22:43 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		A man smacking me on the ass during sex isnt kinky... to me. Pulling my hair isnt kinky... to me. But to others, they would be.

FETISH. 1. a: an object (as a small stone carving of an animal) believed to have magical power to protect or aid its owner; broadly: a material object ...

quote:

Kinky sex - at least one aspect of BDSM and/or fetish is on the table


quote:

Vanilla sex - there is a lack of comfort and/or interest in expanding sex&intimcy into BDSM/fetish


How about when I am laying in his arms, and he is tormenting my body with tender strokes, soft kisses and husky whispers... hardly kinky to me.... horrendously kinky to some women I know.

Trying to define what is kinky and what isnt runs into the problem that it is based on perception. What I may consider kinky, another will not.

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RE: vanilla diferances to D/s - 11/27/2011 3:05:57 PM   
Moonhead


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Status: offline 		In that sense, a fetish is a sympathetic magic thing. A pocket avatar of the big God, I'm told. That definition isn't relevant to anything besides African animism*, and hasn't been for as long as the term's been found in English.

*(and the occasional horror story)

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RE: vanilla diferances to D/s - 11/27/2011 3:15:14 PM   
OsideGirl


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From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GaryXXX

Apart from kinky sex is there any difference ?

You're equating BDSM with D/s and that's not always the case. I know people who engage in D/s and do not engage in BDSM. I know people who engage in BDSM and do not engage in D/s.

D/s is about the power dynamic. It's about who is in control and makes the decision. It's possible that kinky sex never enters into the picture.

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RE: vanilla diferances to D/s - 11/27/2011 3:16:20 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		I always equated a fetish as being something most people would consider nonsexual. Like high heels... even though there are times I see a delicious pair and I wanna... well...

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Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

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Profile   Post #: 70
RE: vanilla diferances to D/s - 11/27/2011 3:18:41 PM   
Moonhead


Posts: 16520
Joined: 9/21/2009
Status: offline 		That's how it derives from the animist gimcracks, tazzy. I think that's the psychological definition of a sexual fetish you're summing up with the heels thing.

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Profile   Post #: 71
RE: vanilla diferances to D/s - 11/27/2011 3:21:11 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		I thought that was what we were discussing, the sexual fetishes. What other kind would you have in a bed?

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Moonhead)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: vanilla diferances to D/s - 11/27/2011 3:27:07 PM   
Moonhead


Posts: 16520
Joined: 9/21/2009
Status: offline 		I was just pointing out that the definition you'd cited has a (somewhat indirect) bearing on shifting sexuality from rumpy pumpy to accoutrements, dig?

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(Simon R Green on the late James Herbert)

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Profile   Post #: 73
RE: vanilla diferances to D/s - 11/27/2011 3:42:24 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

See, to me, yeah, I'm at a job, but the core of me is still the same. I'm still the girl who likes what I like and thinks what I think, even if I'm at work. I just de-emphasize that. That's why I like to say it's all just life to me.and no, it's nnot up to me to apply my standards to someonnne else - what I meant were those people who DON'T identify as kinky in spite of liking kinky sex. They consider themselves vanilla otherwise. I donn't use terms like "D/s in vanilla clothing" for that reason - I don't want to apply my standards to someone who doesn't want to participate.

Anyway, I do agree that people should learn that it's okay to be themselves, whatever that may be.


I didn't mean you as in you specifically.

Now if we are talking about personality characteristics, i.e. submissive or dominant, of course they are always there with you. The "kinky" stuff (however each defines it) is not though. Sure you like what you like, I like what I like, but when on the job or shopping at the mall, does it really play any part of what you are doing?

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Profile   Post #: 74
RE: vanilla diferances to D/s - 11/27/2011 3:43:11 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Moonhead

I was just pointing out that the definition you'd cited has a (somewhat indirect) bearing on shifting sexuality from rumpy pumpy to accoutrements, dig?


Dammit, I dont have a shovel!!!


_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Moonhead)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: vanilla diferances to D/s - 11/27/2011 3:43:53 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

The thing is that everyone is "otherwise vanilla" in some aspect of their life. Jobs, families, outside obligations tend to be more "vanilla" in nature. Even in a 24/7 type of relationship, there are "vanilla" moments.



HA... often MORE "vanilla" than anything else?!!  The 'nilla stuff takes up a LOT of time!!! 




Especially when the people involved have kids, lol. Then having two seconds to yourself just to think seems impossible.

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Profile   Post #: 76
RE: vanilla diferances to D/s - 11/27/2011 5:59:38 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
Sure you like what you like, I like what I like, but when shopping at the mall, does it really play any part of what you are doing?


Depends what you're buying.
Someone on fetlife mentioned that Target carries a wooden spatula with the word Naughty on it for Christmas. Trust me, if I can find that, it will be solely because of the kinky sex.


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RE: vanilla diferances to D/s - 11/27/2011 6:04:40 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		yah :p

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RE: vanilla diferances to D/s - 11/27/2011 6:29:25 PM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		For me, "D/s" is more than kinky sex.  It's a relationship dynamic. 

I don't see two separate worlds...ie..."vanilla" vs "the lifestyle".  It's all one lifestyle to me....I may share different aspects of myself with different people, but I only live in one world and it doesn't have "lines" in it separating this from that.

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Profile   Post #: 79
RE: vanilla diferances to D/s - 11/27/2011 6:46:57 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		I agree, marie. Totally

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