i find the rescue owner, where I volunteer for , very intimidating

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Toppingfrmbottom -> i find the rescue owner, where I volunteer for , very intimidating (11/28/2011 11:31:38 PM)
I don't like talking to her she just seems so un approachable. I also admit now that I am fostering Bones, I do not see how we could possibly have a good working relationship if she keeps intimidating me and making me afraid of talking to her. I admit it's probably nothing she's doing intentionally, she just seems and comes across so un friendly and un approachable and I am afraid of doing something or saying something one day to annoy her and I will be told to give bones Back and not come back any more. I have had it happen before. all was going really well at place Echo, eldercrafters helping others, and one day it was see you next week and then the next day litterally, the owner of the group called and told me we've all discussed it and we feel you're just not right for our group, please don't come back, now I realize that just cause I'm not well liked in a few social circles it won't always happen, but I really liked going to the Echo meetings, and I really like going to the dog rescue, it sucked big time to loose the Echo, since i liked it so much and it was really close by. I hate it when I am intimidated by people, specially if and when there's no reason to be and it's all a misperception of the person, a few people said she's very nice once you get to know her, but she comes off so cold and un friendly I am to intimidated or worried about taking a wrong step to get to know her. Or to want to. The incidence with her suggesting I return bones and cancel our foster agreement when I called her to let her know and ask did she know bones' toes were weepy and red, doesnt help things. I'm thinking I may take her aside one day and let her know how bad she intimidates me, and it makes me reluctant to speak to her, but maybe it's just best not to tell her, and to avoid her unless absolutely necessary. Have you ever had a situation where you were volunteering there, or working or hell any situation, and the head honcho of the place seemed really unfriendly and un approachable and intimidated you? I am sure I am not the only one it's happened to. How did you deal with it, did you talk to them? or just avoid them as much as possible? Was talking to them helpful? did a better working relationship come out of it? did talking to thm back fire?

Termyn8or -> RE: i find the rescue owner, where I volunteer for , very intimidating (11/28/2011 11:52:44 PM)
TFBabe, this is off the top. no charge. You made yourself feel inferior. Nobody can make you feel anything. You made yourself feel that way because of the cues or whatever she gave. You gave the expected response, as most submissive personalities will. You don't want to be like that out in the world. It'll take you two hours to watch sixty minutes if you are too nice. The other has learned to use these cues and develop a repoire' with others based on their own superiority. This is wonderful when people of higher intelligence do it, and others follow them, but the techniques of influencing people have leaked out and now anyone can do it. The greediest shitbag in the world is a better shrink than your shrink, and makes a buncha more money I might add. If you have odne nothing wrong and have helped the place don't worry about it, you are never inferior to anyone. Your position in an organisation might be but you are not personally. Speak your mind, don't take shit from anyone and try to get along best you can. Keep a record if you're worried ab out it. I wouldn't be. I thnk you are sining too much into this. Step back, take a breath, relax. Regroup, reconsider. RE-EXPERIENCE. In a way "walk like a Man". Talk to this Woman, not aggressively, but find out just what it is that intimidates you. And remember, when there is no physical threat, intimidation is impossible, that is unless you are intimidating yourself. T^T ETA : this needs editing but fuckit, I hope the message is clear.

gungadin09 -> RE: i find the rescue owner, where I volunteer for , very intimidating (11/29/2011 12:02:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom The incidence with her suggesting I return bones and cancel our foster agreement when I called her to let her know and ask did she know bones' toes were weepy and red, doesnt help things. I'm thinking I may take her aside one day and let her know how bad she intimidates me, and it makes me reluctant to speak to her, but maybe it's just best not to tell her, and to avoid her unless absolutely necessary. Wow, that sucks. i wish i could give you advice, Topping, but i'm bad at handling conflicts myself. Usually i just avoid the person, and that seldom works. Once in a while i confront them, and that doesn't seem to work either. i don't know what to tell you, except to hang in there, and that you're not doing anything wrong. i wish i were nearby so i could give you a hug. Regards, Pam

Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: i find the rescue owner, where I volunteer for , very intimidating (11/29/2011 12:04:55 AM)
Thank you termy. She probably just seems un approachable through my unease. and isn't really.and if she is screw it.

gungadin09 -> RE: i find the rescue owner, where I volunteer for , very intimidating (11/29/2011 12:07:36 AM)
My bet is she really is, but what can you do? pam

stellauk -> RE: i find the rescue owner, where I volunteer for , very intimidating (11/29/2011 2:38:40 AM)
Hey I'm so sorry to read you posting a thread like this. Really. I have similar issues. Personal conflict can make me physically ill and contact and communication with people is what keeps me on an even keel. Without this I either drift or become neurotic. Not sure if this has got something to do with the weight or the way you come across but I suspect it has. Some people seem to see this social pecking order and relate to people according to where they perceive them in this order which is kind of sad, basically because they have to feed off what they perceive as your issues (actually their's) to provide their own sense of worth and validation. Now I might have suggested something different here until I reached the info about her suggesting you give up fostering Bones. That with her apparent ignorance of the intimidation suggests to me that there's little value in you confronting her over this or seeking any solution to the problem. We communicate verbally and non-verbally and not sure about others, but I'm interested in and pay attention to the effects I have on others and the way I make them feel. If they feel intimidated I'd rather they said so, but this is never intentional. My whole MO is my personality and I enjoy it when people tell me they feel relaxed, comfortable and themselves in my company. Actually I'm going through a phase right now where I've moved on in my life yet again without saying goodbye and am coming back out of a period of isolation. This started a few months back when I was working flat out to achieve stuff with people and not getting anywhere, and I was getting worn down by the constant being let down, frustrated, thwarted and such and this - after a period of intense creativity - caused me to 'drop' into a very deep depressive state of melancholy. Sure other people were letting me down, but also it was just as much the truth that I was allowing this to happen, and the only standard for determining whether they let me down or not was my own expectations. I did what I normally do in such instances, I withdrew, isolated, and waited.. But not completely, for there are a few who remained, they gave me their opinion, I took it into account, and I'm now rebuilding, restructuring, and am better for the experience. I'm lucky in that with my work I'm still in the development stage so taking a month off wasn't such a big deal. The people I knew I could rely on turned out to be reliable, and as for the others, well maybe times have changed, life has altered course and better to leave things open in such a situation than burn bridges. But the thing is, voluntary work - it's something which takes place out of good will - we do this for our own reasons out of self-interest under the guise of being selfless, but there needs to be an atmosphere of goodwill for it to work. The entire premise of voluntary work is that you do something for yourself through doing something for other people. That goodwill cuts both ways. TFTB the answers that you've come here looking for have already been answered by the woman you're working with. Few people are that dense that they remain blissfully unaware of the fact that they intimidate others by their presence. If they are then they've got no business in any sort of managerial capacity even in the voluntary sector. Compound this with her lack of support for you fostering Bones. This is negating the effect or payoff for you of doing such work, which diminishes things even further. But you know, look at the positives here. Bones doesn't intimidate you, nor does your Daddy, and they like people here who respond to your threads see your value. What you need to do is to embrace that value, see it for yourself, believe in it, and go off and take it someplace where people are going to appreciate it. The others? Don't worry about them, they don't figure, and you have no need to further diminish yourself by seeking that goodwill and acceptance which isn't given to you freely. Termy is spot on here again.. You are diminishing yourself and your own value by seeking that what she isn't voluntarily coming up with. Much the same as the part I played in my own recent depression by clinging to the past and having too many expectations from people who just weren't that bothered. I would walk, move on, find somewhere else where people are there who appreciate you, enjoy what you bring to this world and make you feel a whole lot better.

LaTigresse -> RE: i find the rescue owner, where I volunteer for , very intimidating (11/29/2011 4:07:57 AM)
What others have already said echos my own thoughts. Another thing I want you to consider....... You are only seeing this person through your own filters that come with a lot of past garbage. Consider this. Do you find ME intimidating and scary? Would you be afraid that I would do what you are afraid of her doing? I only ask because the assumptions you are making about the type of woman she is and your feelings of intimidation are something that I've heard about myself, my whole adult life. Yet, most of the people that have said that, or assumed that, have been people that are extremely insecure and are constantly beating themselves up. And yanno, I understand that because there was a time a few decades ago when I was on your side of the equasion. I got past that and now, I cannot think of one single person that intimidates me and I've met some pretty intimidating people. Work on feeling better about you and your abilities. Make sure you are doing what is best for the dog without excuses (feeding it properly, exercising it properly, per HER criteria) and try to look at her with a more positive light. Find things about her that make her more human with regular human strengths and weaknesses. Hell, ask her questions once in awhile. Seriously TFTB, the only way you will lose that foster dog is if you screw it up. The woman in question WANTS you to succeed. Consider that. She wants you to do well with the dog......if for no other reason than for the dog's wellbeing. The only reason you would lose that foster is if YOU screwed it up. Seriously, they want and need you to do well. It's a programme that needs good volunteers. Do your part well and focus less on the qualities your baggage is projecting onto this woman.

Rule -> RE: i find the rescue owner, where I volunteer for , very intimidating (11/29/2011 4:27:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom bones' toes were weepy and red Maybe he is bored and for that reason biting and licking them. Or perhaps he has a food deficiency. Feed him a banana occasionally.

tazzygirl -> RE: i find the rescue owner, where I volunteer for , very intimidating (11/29/2011 4:39:47 AM)
quote: The incidence with her suggesting I return bones and cancel our foster agreement when I called her to let her know and ask did she know bones' toes were weepy and red, doesnt help things. Did you discuss this in another thread? If so, could you post a link to that?

January -> RE: i find the rescue owner, where I volunteer for , very intimidating (11/29/2011 6:43:32 AM)
~FR~ Hi TFtB, I have been in a situation like you describe. I was a volunteer and my supervisor was not supportive (I'm being tactful here). My volunteer situation involved a child, and was highly stressful. And here's how I got through that year: I changed my focus from my disgust, to doing my volunteer job correctly and with devotion, trying to get the information I needed without the "help" of the supervisor, until it came to its natural conclusion. I sucked it up for that year until the child was safe. I recognized what I was doing was critical to the future of this child, no matter how unpleasant this supervisor was. I am satisfied I did my job. The volunteer organization, however, won't be seeing me again. There are other ways in which I will serve endangered children. So my advice is to just concentrate on the dog, not your feelings. January

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: i find the rescue owner, where I volunteer for , very intimidating (11/29/2011 6:52:53 AM)
This is very good advice.

Iamsemisweet -> RE: i find the rescue owner, where I volunteer for , very intimidating (11/29/2011 8:00:50 AM)
I have spent a lot of time around obsessive dog people in my life. I have trained dogs since I was a little kid, and I have shown dogs for many years. The fact is many, if not most, "dog people" have lousy social skills. They care more about dogs than they do people, and they make no bones about it. Pun intended. So, I imagine this woman really can't help her demeanor, and may not know or care about her affect on you. It really isn't personal, believe me, i have met a 100 trainers, kennel owners and breeders just like her. You either need to just ignore her bad communication skills or you need to move on. She won't change.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: i find the rescue owner, where I volunteer for , very intimidating (11/29/2011 8:02:01 AM)
LeeAnn IS kinda skeery... I mean, folks have been telling ME I'm intimidating since I was a young teen, so imagine how SHE must be, right? [:D] I remember that bit about the sewing circle and it still grinds my gears! But don't let that stuff get in your way. You are doing a great thing by fostering a SPECIAL NEEDS DOG. Lots of foster folks wouldnt do any such thing, honest! You're taking a big job for her, and while she might not be the queen of friendly, many animal oriented folks are NOT all that nice to humans. Hold your head up, and be the good dog friend that you are. And, what everyone else said!

Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: i find the rescue owner, where I volunteer for , very intimidating (11/29/2011 9:23:30 AM)
The thought is what counts. Thank you Pam. quote: ORIGINAL: gungadin09 i wish i were nearby so i could give you a hug. Regards, Pam

Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: i find the rescue owner, where I volunteer for , very intimidating (11/29/2011 9:27:07 AM)
Hi Stella, no Bones and Daddy do not intimidate me, Bones even brings me such joy to hug and kiss and pet and cuddle and talk to. Sunday was kind of a sucky day at the rescue cause I made a few mistakes and was embarrassed, and I came home to bones, took him out of his crate and got into bed to color with him. To be fair I could be, being overly friendly sometimes and be in the way now and then or something. Or maybe she's just so busy that she projects that un approachable air, and has no idea she does. quote: ORIGINAL: stellauk Hey I'm so sorry to read you posting a thread like this. Really. I have similar issues. Personal conflict can make me physically ill and contact and communication with people is what keeps me on an even keel. Without this I either drift or become neurotic. Not sure if this has got something to do with the weight or the way you come across but I suspect it has. Some people seem to see this social pecking order and relate to people according to where they perceive them in this order which is kind of sad, basically because they have to feed off what they perceive as your issues (actually their's) to provide their own sense of worth and validation. But you know, look at the positives here. Bones doesn't intimidate you, nor does your Daddy, and they like people here who respond to your threads see your value. What you need to do is to embrace that value, see it for yourself, believe in it, and go off and take it someplace where people are going to appreciate it. The others? Don't worry about them, they don't figure, and you have no need to further diminish yourself by seeking that goodwill and acceptance which isn't given to you freely.

Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: i find the rescue owner, where I volunteer for , very intimidating (11/29/2011 9:45:17 AM)
No, you're just a name on a screen and i can block you and not see you, if you were bothering me, and you don't have something i cherish and value that you can take from me. Therefor if i mis step around you, post to much or do something yo don't like you're not able to affect me. I would not be hurt by your rejection of me. I think, what it is, is that i am so friendly and out going and bubbly, that people who're more reserved or seem less than approachable because they're more reserved or business like and brisk, are so different to me, and i have been unwelcome in places in the past, cause my bubbly friendliness has bothered enough people to complain that i was asked to leave the circle, permanently. One of the club owners actually had a bunch of complaints from people, that i talked to much, was to friendly, made people un comfortable with my presence because i lack social skills and the cue to read people, and have sometimes misjudged cue's and got them wrong. Ie I thought someone was enjoying my company, they were talking and interacting and makings eye contact and everything, did not present as uncomfortable with me,and later on come to find out they felt cornered and didn't want to talk to me, and even wanted me to go away. But they never acted like that, they just continued to talk to me and then later on complaned to the hostess and owner. maybe I AM talking a bit to much when I do speak to her, maybe, that's why i feel so off kilter around her. maybe there was a mis understanding somewhere, that needs to come out. and you're right, i am insecure, an I want people to like me and I find being the wrong light , like making a mistake and being called on it, embarrassing and a bit humiliating, I have a worry of not being liked, or having someone do a total 360 on how my presence was tolerated I am usually very out going, vry strong on my feet, very happy easy going, but get me worried i'll be or am being seen in a bad light by someone who i want to like me and I get insecure and uncertain. quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse What others have already said echos my own thoughts. Another thing I want you to consider....... You are only seeing this person through your own filters that come with a lot of past garbage. Consider this. Do you find ME intimidating and scary? Would you be afraid that I would do what you are afraid of her doing? I only ask because the assumptions you are making about the type of woman she is and your feelings of intimidation are something that I've heard about myself, my whole adult life. Yet, most of the people that have said that, or assumed that, have been people that are extremely insecure and are constantly beating themselves up. And yanno, I understand that because there was a time a few decades ago when I was on your side of the equasion. I got past that and now, I cannot think of one single person that intimidates me and I've met some pretty intimidating people. Work on feeling better about you and your abilities. Make sure you are doing what is best for the dog without excuses (feeding it properly, exercising it properly, per HER criteria) and try to look at her with a more positive light. Find things about her that make her more human with regular human strengths and weaknesses. Hell, ask her questions once in awhile. Seriously TFTB, the only way you will lose that foster dog is if you screw it up. The woman in question WANTS you to succeed. Consider that. She wants you to do well with the dog......if for no other reason than for the dog's wellbeing. The only reason you would lose that foster is if YOU screwed it up. Seriously, they want and need you to do well. It's a programme that needs good volunteers. Do your part well and focus less on the qualities your baggage is projecting onto this woman. .

Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: i find the rescue owner, where I volunteer for , very intimidating (11/29/2011 9:55:33 AM)
No, I didn't. But hat happened is that Bones has on going ear flap issues, and he tears at them an causes damage, and he had a boil, that had formed the day I took him home, and I called her and told her that, that evening it had broke open and was bleeding, what do I do for him? She said put neosporin on it d watch it. i said thank you , and we hung up. 4-6 or so hours later I noticed all his toes were very red, and 2 were weeping puss, and I called her and said Hi .... i'm so sorry to call you again, but did you know Bones' toes on all 4 feet are red and 2 are weeping? Her reply was well why don't you bring him back and we"ll take care of him. I said as in , end our foster agreement? And she said yes, and I said, no no, I don't want to end our foster agreent, I just want to get his issue treated. quote: ORIGINAL: tazzygirl quote: The incidence with her suggesting I return bones and cancel our foster agreement when I called her to let her know and ask did she know bones' toes were weepy and red, doesnt help things. Did you discuss this in another thread? If so, could you post a link to that? quote: d without the "help" of the supervisor, until it came to its natural conclusion. I sucked it up for that year until the child was safe. I recognized what I was doing was critical to the future of this child, no matter how unpleasant this supervisor was. I am satisfied I did my job.

Rule -> RE: i find the rescue owner, where I volunteer for , very intimidating (11/29/2011 10:43:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom Bones has on going ear flap issues, and he tears at them an causes damage, and he had a boil, that had formed the day I took him home 4-6 or so hours later I noticed all his toes were very red, and 2 were weeping puss You had better consult a veterinary. The dog appears to have ongoing infections.

LaTigresse -> RE: i find the rescue owner, where I volunteer for , very intimidating (11/29/2011 11:05:38 AM)
And THAT is part of being a responsible pet owner TFTB. If you cannot provide proper care for the animal then they should take it back and put it where it will get the care it requires.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: i find the rescue owner, where I volunteer for , very intimidating (11/29/2011 11:09:12 AM)
If the dog has an array of health issues, he needs to see a VET promptly. Putting a little neosporin on it is rarely the answer.

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