RE: Best ways for subs to stay safe going from online to real world?

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RE: Best ways for subs to stay safe going from online t... - 12/1/2011 9:58:09 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

I'm sure the fact that I haven't had sex in a while came into play but at any rate I wasn't thinking clearly.

Sub frenzy. Been there. Learned my lesson. Proceeded much slower ever since.

(in reply to easterlilly)

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Post #: 41

RE: Best ways for subs to stay safe going from online t... - 12/7/2011 11:09:52 PM

jocelyn

Posts: 59
Joined: 6/28/2005
Status: offline

Research, research, research. No full name, no meeting.
Safe calls, support system, and consistent observance of safety rules
Ask for references. Who knows him/plays with him/socializes with him?

Bigger: Know what you're seeking before you begin accepting potential dates. Write your list, reflect on what's negotiable and what's finite, and pare things down to the essentials that will make you happy.

Ask to see his list. If he doesn't know what he's looking for, you're not it.

For doms - do your due diligence, as well, and when you're sheltering or training, establish sensible practices. She's worth it.

(in reply to Mazterlock)

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Post #: 42

RE: Best ways for subs to stay safe going from online t... - 12/8/2011 8:11:23 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
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If someone keeps meeting assholes the problem isnt that there are assholes in the world but YOU.

Do some.soul searching, get some.therapy, deal with your patterns, and then date...

(in reply to Lockit)

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Post #: 43

RE: Best ways for subs to stay safe going from online t... - 12/8/2011 6:00:09 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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The last thing I would do is give my full name, home number and address to someone I haven't laid eyes on. So why should they be expected to take a risk that I won't?

Beyond that, I really don't think I have ever heard of someone being abducted from a Starbucks. What kind of risk is there in showing up at 10:00 AM with a red carnation in your lapel? Sure the drinks are overpriced but if you couldn't afford the five bucks, then you shouldn't be meeting anyone.

And as Michael said, if all your relationships are bad, then you are the one at fault for consistently walking into a crowded room and unerringly picking the one person who is the worst for you. Get help identifying and changing those patterns and you won't meet those types any more because you won't find them attractive.

Therapy can be pricey but groups are cheaper. And self help groups like ACOA are just a dollar towards the rent. If you can afford $5 for that Starbucks coffee, you can certainly afford $1 in the pot in a 12th step group.

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(in reply to SimplyMichael)

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RE: Best ways for subs to stay safe going from online t... - 12/8/2011 7:08:35 PM

Buzzzz

Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
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I like to show half my ass. I try to be hip and stuff like the younguns with the jeans halfway down, I pit my jeans halfway down too ;)

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(in reply to tazzygirl)

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RE: Best ways for subs to stay safe going from online t... - 12/8/2011 9:49:25 PM

AnEquinox

Posts: 23
Joined: 9/26/2010
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I do multiple things.

Meet in a public place. (duh)

First phone call, I call him and block my number.

Then I have a separate phone number I use only for men. No man gets my real phone number unless I'm willing for him to know where I live. (Google voice rocks, and if you have an android, you can IM and place phone calls from that number. Otherwise, I'd just buy an pre-paid phone for dating.)

I am VERY careful with information. I had a guy show up on our first date with my name, my social security number and address. He was a good man, concerned I hadn't been careful with information. I took that to heart.

I don't tell men where I live, where I work, or any information that makes me googleable. I'm not famous or anything, but it is quite easy to google me with my first name and a field of interest, so I just don't give out information easily. When men push for information they don't need, I disappear. I think any trustworthy man would be quite comfortable knowing that I live what borough and subway live I live on. There's no reason for him to know where I work, exactly. There's only 2 people in NYC with my first name working in my field, so I make sure that any information I give out can't be used to trace me with google. Some men don't like it, but I actually use that as a screen mechanism.

I also have a tendency to decide I don't trust a man based on fairly little things. If my gut feeling is something is off, I listen to that.

I remind myself that I cannot be here if I don't take responsibility for taking care of myself.

(in reply to Lockit)

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Post #: 46

RE: Best ways for subs to stay safe going from online t... - 12/10/2011 11:20:38 AM

PrincessDonna11

Posts: 289
Joined: 8/7/2011
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I am Domme and still I insist on a face to face interview ALWAYS! I usually get the feel as to weather I want to continue seeing someone from that one meeting in a public place. This world is getting crazy and I had a friend that had sessions with a sub twice and then he turned on her,she still has the scars,but she had always said she couldnt figure out how to place him,he would do house work and yardwork but never wanted contact or even seem to want to talk. Come to find out he had been advertising in the LA Express as A Dom and had raped and abused several women and they were too ashamed to report it until his picture was on the news. Be Careful.

(in reply to tazzygirl)

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RE: Best ways for subs to stay safe going from online t... - 1/3/2012 6:39:10 AM

Greta75

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
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I haven't really read any real advice on a very good question.

A real predator is often Mr Nice Guy, super nice, super patience, will be your friend, will not even come on you strong and act perfectly gentlemenly. They enjoy the chase, and they have infinite patience, they don't rush anything, they know how to play the game. They will only show their true colours when your trust in them is complete.

If it takes a year to be your best friend and not even touch you but just meet regularly for harmless friendly chats, they would do it, just for the final kill.

So seriously...., I would really love to hear some real advice on how to avoid predators.

(in reply to PrincessDonna11)

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Post #: 48

RE: Best ways for subs to stay safe going from online t... - 1/3/2012 9:28:35 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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Aren't more commonly predators creatures of opportunity who will move on to easier victims?

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199401/charming-psychopath?page=2

This Charming Psychopath : How to spot social predators before they attack.

By Robert Hare, published on January 01, 1994 - last reviewed on December 28, 2011

Key Symptoms of Psychopathy

Emotional/Interpersonal:

* Glib and superficial
* Egocentric and grandiose
* Lack of remorse or guilt
* Lack of empathy
* Deceitful and manipulative
* Shallow emotions

Social Deviance:

* Impulsive
* Poor behavior controls
* Need for excitement
* Lack of responsibility
* Early behavior problems
* Adult antisocial behavior

(in reply to Greta75)

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Post #: 49

RE: Best ways for subs to stay safe going from online t... - 1/3/2012 9:31:34 AM

kalikshama

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A Survival Guide

Although no one is completely immune to the devious machinations of the psychopath, there are some things you can do to reduce your vulnerability.

* Know what you are dealing with. This sounds easy but in fact can be very difficult. All the reading in the world cannot immunize you from the devastating effects of psychopaths. Everyone, including the experts, can be taken in, conned, and left bewildered by them. A good psychopath can play a concerto on anyone's heart strings.

* Try not to be influenced by "props." It is not easy to get beyond the winning smile, the captivating body language, the fast talk of the typical psychopath, all of which blind us to his or her real intentions. Many people find it difficult to deal with the intense, "predatory state" of the psychopath. The fixated stare, is more a prelude to self-gratification and the exercise of power rather than simple interest or empathic caring.

* Don't wear blinders. Enter new relationships with your eyes wide open. Like the rest of us, most psychopathic con artists and "love-thieves" initially hide their dark side by putting their "best foot forward." Cracks may soon begin to appear in the mask they wear, but once trapped in their web, it will be difficult to escape financially and emotionally unscathed.

* Keep your guard up in high-risk situations. Some situations are tailor-made for psychopaths: singles bars, ship cruises, foreign airports, etc. In each case, the potential victim is lonely, looking for a good time, excitement, or companionship, and there will usually be someone willing to oblige, for a hidden price.

* Know yourself. Psychopaths are skilled at detecting and ruthlessly exploiting your weak spots. Your best defense is to understand what these spots are, and to be extremely wary of anyone who zeroes in on them.

(in reply to Greta75)

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RE: Best ways for subs to stay safe going from online t... - 1/3/2012 9:51:20 AM

tazzygirl

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I wanted to meet this man once, but I didnt know if I could trust him. He understood and we remained friends for a time. When he started to talk about meeting once again, I explained that I still didnt know much about him, beyond what he told me. He sent m a link which showed me just how much he trusted me. It was a link that showed his divorce papers, with all the information he had told me about himself, along with the name and number of his boss, a copy of his driver's license, which matched the pictures he sent me, and clippings of his kids sporting events. From the information there, I realized his life was an open book. I did a search of his criminal background, his financial background.... I knew more about him than he did me at that point.

There are too many easy targets to go through that much time and trouble for one.

We met the next week.

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RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
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Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

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RE: Best ways for subs to stay safe going from online t... - 1/3/2012 1:17:26 PM

kalikshama

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I had a guy give me his last name and dare me to google him - I Clerked of Courts him and found two domestic violences - we didn't meet.

(in reply to tazzygirl)

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Post #: 52

RE: Best ways for subs to stay safe going from online t... - 1/4/2012 6:47:30 PM

Greta75

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Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:

I wanted to meet this man once, but I didnt know if I could trust him. He understood and we remained friends for a time. When he started to talk about meeting once again, I explained that I still didnt know much about him, beyond what he told me. He sent m a link which showed me just how much he trusted me. It was a link that showed his divorce papers, with all the information he had told me about himself, along with the name and number of his boss, a copy of his driver's license, which matched the pictures he sent me, and clippings of his kids sporting events. From the information there, I realized his life was an open book. I did a search of his criminal background, his financial background.... I knew more about him than he did me at that point.

*sighs*, I think the problem is, I think his not taking any safety precaution in doing that either, giving his personal information out to someone he barely knows.
So end of the day, it seems, it's about take the gamble, put it out there, and hope for the best. Hope your gut does not fail you.

(in reply to tazzygirl)

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RE: Best ways for subs to stay safe going from online t... - 1/9/2012 11:46:11 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
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quote:

I'm an experienced Master but new to meeting submissive women online. I take my responsibilities as a Master seriously.

My question is how do submissive women make safe and smart decisions when it comes to moving a potential M/s relationship from cyber-space to a real world experience?

It just looks to me like there are many, many men posing as "masters" online who are really prowlers and predators.

How do you sort out the legitimate men who are worth your time? What should legitimate dominant men do better in order to build trust?

Mazterlock,

This post would indeed suggest your anything but experienced.

CP

(in reply to Mazterlock)

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Post #: 54