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the benefits of....... - 5/28/2006 6:21:30 AM   
mew


Posts: 24
Joined: 11/6/2005
Status: offline 		After reading here for several days, and gaining some insight, I have a question.  
 
I know there are lots of people here, (couples and play partners) who tread into areas of play, that for me personally are of no interest.   Things like fire play, needle play, cutting, brown and yellow showers etc.    I am wondering how this is beneficial to a slave or submissive, or even if it is? 
 
I understand TPE and how wonderful it can be, but I have to ask myself, since I have no interest to "go there", if I am even submissive or slave.    If you meet a Master or Dom, or visa versa, and their wish is to go there, but yours is to not and your limits are pushed to that point, how is that beneficial for the sub/slave or Master/Dom? 
 
I am having a hard time how to word this, since I don't really understand it myself, so please forgive if it doesn't make sense.   
 
I guess what I am trying to say, is for example, I don't wish to have my nipples pierced, and I perhaps meet a Dom/Master who thinks I should have it done.  How is this beneficial to me?   Or isn't it at all?    
 
Maybe another aspect of this is, why do some people enjoy some of these things, (cutting, piercing, needle play etc), and what does that say about me if I don't?   
 
I am just trying to understand, and not knocking what anyone else does.  
 
I hope this makes sense.....
 
~mew~
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: the benefits of....... - 5/28/2006 6:28:51 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Why do some people prefer brunettes to other hair colors, since they only like one and not all women, does that make them gay?  If a vanilla only likes the missionary position, does that make them not really sexual?

Why do people enjoy anything and if they don't enjoy it all, does that make them less joyful?

(in reply to mew)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: the benefits of....... - 5/28/2006 6:33:14 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		mew,
The good part is that you get to decide your own limits for yourself.
The harder part is finding someone whose limits and interest match your own.

I have to ask, where did you get the idea that having limits is not normal or desirable? We ALL have them.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to mew)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: the benefits of....... - 5/28/2006 6:47:01 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		I know there are lots of people here, (couples and play partners) who tread into areas of play, that for me personally are of no interest.
 
Then you are ahead of the curve... knowing what you want & where you want to go (or not go) is very important.
 
If you meet a Master or Dom, or visa versa, and their wish is to go there, but yours is to not and your limits are pushed to that point, how is that beneficial for the sub/slave or Master/Dom? 
 
It would be impossible to theorize what the benefit is for the masses. Each individual couple will establish their own dynamics & their own reasons or benefits of what they do.
 
As to meeting someone & their desire is to go in a direction that you do not desire then this should be expressed upfront. If you find that there are particular activities or actions that the dominant insist on taking place & you adamantly refuse to engage in... then you most likely are not a good match for one another & you need to simply go your separate ways.
 
As to the benefit of nipple piercing. Some say it intensifies the sensitivity. I have also heard that some women have lost all sensitivity. I can't say that you would benefit or not but for myself... based on 50/50 odds that my nipples would become more sensitive I'LL PASS!! My nipples are plenty sensitive now & there is no reason to go fix anything that is already working, especially when the negative is that I could end up with no sensitivity.
 
Maybe another aspect of this is, why do some people enjoy some of these things, (cutting, piercing, needle play etc), and what does that say about me if I don't? 
 
Why? Because they were willing to explore these activities. Again... none of us can state why others would or would not do these things... we can only say why we would or would not.
 
What does it say about you? Well, if you say you are not willing to do these things all it says about you is that you are not willing to do these things. Simple. It does not say that you are more or less than anyone else out there doing anything differently than you.
 
It is a good thing to know yourself & know your limits in this. Don't be afraid to stand firm. If the dominant you speak with is not in agreement with your limits then this dominant is simply not the dominant for you.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion


(in reply to mew)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: the benefits of....... - 5/28/2006 6:49:02 AM   
Tikkiee


Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin


I have to ask, where did you get the idea that having limits is not normal or desirable? We ALL have them.

I have to agree. Everyone has limits; including Master's/Dom's. Sometimes those limits clash, sometimes they don't. That's when compromise comes into play  There are things that I really enjoy that Chris absolutly refuses to do, or refuses to let me even attempt with someone else; and then there are things he wants me to do that I absolutly refuse.
It works out though because we talk about it and come to an agreeable compromise.

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: the benefits of....... - 5/28/2006 6:54:17 AM   
LadiesBladewing


Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline 		The solution to this is very simple. Talk a -lot- before you accept a collar, and make sure that your limits are recognized (good) and/or shared (best) by the person you are entrusting yourself to.

If you -know- there are things you don't want to know, speak up -before- you take the collar, because non-consentual pressure to do something isn't good for anybody, but if the dominant individual who has taken responsibility for you doesn't -know- you don't want to do those things before he accepts you and they are some of his interests, he may just ask you.

If you -do- take a collar and -didn't- get prepared by letting the dominant individual know your limits, you still have the right to say no to any action -- just be aware that, in some cases, saying no may mean that you need to leave the relationship -- so prepare up front and save yourself a whole lot of tangled mess later.



As far as why some people like these things.. who knows. All of us have different reasons for what we like and don't like. I like things someone else may hate (like chevre), and others love things I can't stand (like Vietnamese noodle soups). BDSM is no different. As for what it says about you that you don't like some of these things -- it says you don't like some of these things... nothing more, nothing less.

Da'Avatar ZWD




www.klashaan.org

< Message edited by LadiesBladewing -- 5/28/2006 6:56:21 AM >

_____________________________


"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.
Bladewing Enclave

(in reply to mew)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: the benefits of....... - 5/28/2006 7:02:29 AM   
SmokeyM


Posts: 120
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		What it also comes down to is if you have a Hard Limit of say piercing the nipples. Hard Limits should not be pushed, its the softer limits that normally are. When I am with a new partner I have them write a list of hard and soft limits. Over time we look back at the list and see how thoughts may have changed. Something back then might have been a hard limit but after seeing others do it, it might have become a slight intrest. Key thing is communication and when you say no to something its your right to not do that play and not have it pushed.
~ Smokey

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: the benefits of....... - 5/28/2006 7:02:42 AM   
mew


Posts: 24
Joined: 11/6/2005
Status: offline 		thanks to all of you for your replys so far.     
 
For me, I know exactly what my limits are, and I know exactly where I am willing to tread and where I am not.   Because I have so many things (in my opinion) that I am not willing to do, I was worried that I might be horribly boring.   And then I went on to question if I was even sub or slave.   
 
Then i went on to ask myself, if my limits were pushed into unchartered territory, how would this be beneficial to me?    
 
I don't think having limits is a bad thing, but perhaps I have too many.  
I just don't know right now.   I am just putting feelers out and getting the opinion of others. 
 
~mew~

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: the benefits of....... - 5/28/2006 7:20:56 AM   
givemyall


Posts: 620
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline 		Think of it as going shopping with a shopping list.  You have a list of what you need or want, you wander around the shops sticking to your list until you see something that takes your fancy, you might decide to get the item and you might find that you love it and go back for more, then again, you may hate it, but at least you tried it for yourself and have formed your own opinion.....Enjoy writing your list!

God, I love shopping lol

(in reply to mew)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: the benefits of....... - 5/28/2006 7:27:40 AM   
spankmepink11


Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline 		 You've gotten excellent advice in this thread mew.  

quote MstrssPassion

" What does it say about you? Well, if you say you are not willing to do these things all it says about you is that you are not willing to do these things. Simple. It does not say that you are more or less than anyone else out there doing anything differently than you. " 


You'll see several threads here that touch on the opinion that the absence of some/many/any  , BDSM activities does in no way affect the dynamic of an  individuals  D/s...M/s relationship.   As others have said, finding the person whoose own outlook is complimentary to your own, or someone with whom you can arrive at a reasonable compromise(if you choose to become involved with someone with opposing desires) is the key.  Of course that....and very open communication.
 
 You will probably  come across those who feel that if you don't acquiesce to go outside of your limits or preferred activities, that you are indeed  "not submissive or slave enough" .   Please disregard them and enjoy your own journey into self discovery.   Know yourself...and be true to yourself, the rest will fall into place.

(in reply to mew)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: the benefits of....... - 5/28/2006 7:34:43 AM   
ElizabethDVall


Posts: 53
Joined: 5/28/2006
Status: offline 		Rememeber the WYKINMK.  Whats your kink is not my kink.

BDSM is a very wide range of subjects and like subjects at school your not expected to take them all.

That said, at least think about trying things once in order to satifsy your curiousity.

o^^ / Elizabeth

(in reply to spankmepink11)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: the benefits of....... - 5/28/2006 7:38:04 AM   
Bearlee


Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mew
... 
For me, I know exactly what my limits are, and I know exactly where I am willing to tread and where I am not.   Because I have so many things (in my opinion) that I am not willing to do, I was worried that I might be horribly boring.   And then I went on to question if I was even sub or slave.   
 
Then i went on to ask myself, if my limits were pushed into unchartered territory, how would this be beneficial to me?     
...


I would just like to remind you that our limits lists, like our profiles, are 'living documents'; they change with time.  You mentioned you understood the PowerExchange; just know that should you find one you want to serve, your 'understanding' of that too, may change.  Likely it will become more powerful.  THAT is why, IMHO, people talk about 'pushing limits'.  You may push your own, should you find yourself so totally commited to One.

Having your limits pushed, IMHO, does not have anything to do with being
coerced to doing something you do not WANT to do...but rather pushed in the direction of feeling totally owned and interested in pleasing.........within your limits.

beverly
MOO  YMMV

(in reply to mew)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: the benefits of....... - 5/28/2006 7:49:14 AM   
sweetbbwsub31


Posts: 331
Joined: 3/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: givemyall

Think of it as going shopping with a shopping list.  You have a list of what you need or want, you wander around the shops sticking to your list until you see something that takes your fancy, you might decide to get the item and you might find that you love it and go back for more, then again, you may hate it, but at least you tried it for yourself and have formed your own opinion.....Enjoy writing your list!

God, I love shopping lol


Very nicely explained. I might add...be patient and don't get frustrated when you feel like you are shopping in a store that doesn't carry the products you are looking for.
 
Your limits are your limits. Finding a match is the challenge.
 
Good luck,
sub tara

(in reply to givemyall)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: the benefits of....... - 5/28/2006 8:50:23 AM   
spectreandnectre


Posts: 401
Joined: 3/20/2006
From: nebraska
Status: offline 		my personal opinion here is to communicate expectations before accepting that collar and these things probably wont be an issue.  For example i would never tolerate watersports or animals why would i settle for a Master that does...just my opinion

_____________________________

"When I see you, the world stops as if the only purpose in life was for me to please you."

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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: the benefits of....... - 5/28/2006 9:06:31 AM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mew

After reading here for several days, and gaining some insight, I have a question.  
 
I know there are lots of people here, (couples and play partners) who tread into areas of play, that for me personally are of no interest.   Things like fire play, needle play, cutting, brown and yellow showers etc.    I am wondering how this is beneficial to a slave or submissive, or even if it is? 
 

On a basic level I don’t think that all SM activities are supposed to directly benefit me.  Sometimes its just because he wants to do it, enjoys doing it or gains pleasure from it.  Usually I get something out of it, but not always.  I don’t see slavery (specifically) as being about doing things that just benefit me.

 
quote:

ORIGINAL: mew
I understand TPE and how wonderful it can be, but I have to ask myself, since I have no interest to "go there", if I am even submissive or slave.    If you meet a Master or Dom, or visa versa, and their wish is to go there, but yours is to not and your limits are pushed to that point, how is that beneficial for the sub/slave or Master/Dom? 
 

I’ll just talk about it from my personal experience and relationship (I identify as being my owners slave).  If my owner has an interest in something, then I’m pretty strongly motivated (internally but also externally by him) to find an interest in going there also.  Its not about pushing limits, its about adjusting and aligning to what he wants to do.  If anyone in the world should want to and be the person that he can do whatever he desires with it really should be his slave of all the people in the universe.  I don’t see why I should deny him what he wants.  

quote:

ORIGINAL: mew
I am having a hard time how to word this, since I don't really understand it myself, so please forgive if it doesn't make sense.   
 
I guess what I am trying to say, is for example, I don't wish to have my nipples pierced, and I perhaps meet a Dom/Master who thinks I should have it done.  How is this beneficial to me?   Or isn't it at all?    
 
Maybe another aspect of this is, why do some people enjoy some of these things, (cutting, piercing, needle play etc), and what does that say about me if I don't?   
 
  

I don’t know what it says about you, since I don’t know a lot about you.   Are you new?  A lot of times activities can seem fairly different in your imagination or from seeing it than what its like to experience them.   Trying to explain why I love certain activities is like trying to explain why I love the flavor of vanilla ice cream but can’t really stand chocolate ice cream.  

C~

< Message edited by Wildfleurs -- 5/28/2006 9:07:27 AM >

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to mew)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: the benefits of....... - 5/28/2006 9:22:32 AM   
MistressMelissa


Posts: 226
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline 		Greeting mew,

Ds (dominance and submission) is how I live, BDSM (bondage, discipline, Sado, Masochism) is what I do.

The point is that you can live a life based upon a power exchange and yet not incorporate any of the kink into your life.

We are each different and thus have different needs. Just because you need a PE type relationship to be happy, does not mean that you need the kink.

How I live on a daily basis and the nature of my relationship with the other members of my house is much more important to me than the play. I do use play as a tool to push at those areas a little one would try and sheild from me.

You may find the Ds Haven website (dshaven.com) of interest since it's focus is on the non kink aspects of this "lifestyle".

Melissa
Mistress of Ds Haven
www.dshaven.com

(in reply to mew)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: the benefits of....... - 5/28/2006 9:31:29 AM   
SirNico


Posts: 32
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		the infliction of pain for any reason other than mutual pleasure is the only true perversion.
-  someone famous said it -

(in reply to mew)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: the benefits of....... - 5/28/2006 10:47:35 AM   
Proprietrix


Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mew
I understand TPE and how wonderful it can be, but I have to ask myself, since I have no interest to "go there", if I am even submissive or slave.    If you meet a Master or Dom, or visa versa, and their wish is to go there, but yours is to not and your limits are pushed to that point, how is that beneficial for the sub/slave or Master/Dom?  
... 
I guess what I am trying to say, is for example, I don't wish to have my nipples pierced, and I perhaps meet a Dom/Master who thinks I should have it done.  How is this beneficial to me?   Or isn't it at all?     


This is the part of your OP I'm going to focus on.

I'm not a believer in pushing a submissive or slave's limits. And part of it is precisely why you have stated. I simply don't see the benefit (mutual or independent). I don't get the point. I very much enjoy blood play. So say I get a sub/slave who has a hard limit against it. I'm going to make it clear to my sub/slave that this is something I enjoy. I'm not going to give up that play, and since I'm not going to be engaging in it with that person, they need to respect that I will engage in it with someone else instead.

I could apply the same to *any* sort of enjoyment, not just BDSM activities. Perhaps I *love* football. But I acquire a slave who can't stand the sport, or has moral issues with violence in sporting events, or believes its a sexist sport, whatever. I'm not going to "push the limits" and try to conform my sub/slave to sit and watch football with me every Monday night. I may be able to force him/her to sit there and watch, but if I'm in the company who is simply not enjoying him/herself, what have I accomplished for either of us?
I just don't "get it" when it comes to leading a horse to water and trying to make them to drink, when they've blatantly upfront told me they aren't thirsty.

Now, if later down the road my slave approached me and said "I think I might want to give blood play a try." or "I think I might be ready to watch football with you." then I'll help take them there. But to "push" them toward it when they've told me they need to stay away, is in my mind, manipulative and unbecoming of my position of authority.

< Message edited by Proprietrix -- 5/28/2006 10:48:35 AM >

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

(in reply to mew)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: the benefits of....... - 5/28/2006 2:41:28 PM   
genvieve


Posts: 228
Joined: 5/14/2005
From: SF Bay Area
Status: offline 		When stretching my limits for a Dominant, i receive a few things:
 
-Satisfaction in pleasing the Dominant.
-Personal growth.
-A closer feeling to the Dominant for helping me to stretch my limits.
-Really really deep subspace.
 
That being said, some limits are limits for very personal, private and intense reasons.  So limits should never be pushed and if those are the case, comunicate to the Dominant immediately that this is the case.  If he or she tries again, remind them this is an absolutely hard, unpushable limit of yours.  If they continue, it is no longer a consentual relationship and is now abuse.

_____________________________

In the quietness of myself, i find myself at the mercy of Your hand.

Musical Wishes Design

(in reply to Proprietrix)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: the benefits of....... - 5/29/2006 4:55:32 AM   
mew


Posts: 24
Joined: 11/6/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks to everyone for your replys.  There were some very good points made in this thread.  
 
Wildfleurs asked if I was new.   I am only new to posting here, I am not new to the lifestyle, nor to this board really.   I have been in the lifestyle for 8 yrs, and have been lurking and reading here for some time.   
 
I do not have a profile posted because that is how I wish it.  I am a very private person and am not comfortable putting my life "out there" just yet.   
 
Most of the questions that I have posted, (there have only been a couple) are very generalized and not about me specifically.  I just enjoy getting a vast array of opinions on subjects that interest me. 
 
I hope my lack of a profile and my absense of offering up personal information about myself is not offending to anyone, if it is, I will quietly go back to just reading.   
 
I will say this much.... I am a female slave, 44, from Texas.   
 
Again, thanks so much for your replys.
 
~mew~

(in reply to genvieve)
Profile   Post #: 20
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