RE: Ashamed

RE: Ashamed (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive

Message

Focus50 -> RE: Ashamed (12/9/2011 11:11:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littleone35 Des he already knows and he knows the friend so he is ok with it. I tell Master everything,i have nothing to hide. If i knew Master would not be ok with me telling this friend i woulkd have asked first The closest I could come to being "ok" with it was if your friend were openly, ragingly homosexual. Otherwise, all males are potential competition and there is absolutely no revealing of "trade secrets" to the competition, no matter how benign a particular detail may seem. For me, confidences and intimacies are where I, the Dominant, need to be able to trust my submissive partner. But please note this is just MY personal opinion and that if your Master is ok with it, then that's all that really matters in your relationship. It's just that, as another male, I find it difficult to rationalise how he is ok with it. There's a missing piece somewhere here.... lol Focus.

littlewonder -> RE: Ashamed (12/9/2011 6:53:20 PM)
Focus, some men are completely trustful of their partner and are not the jealous type and don't see other men as competition. Master has always made it clear to me that he wouldn't care if I hung out with other men, talked to them, etc....he's just not the jealous type...not one tiny bit and he trusts me completely. He has no worries about me leaving him for someone else. Why should he? I'm not going anywhere lol.

Focus50 -> RE: Ashamed (12/9/2011 7:42:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder Focus, some men are completely trustful of their partner and are not the jealous type and don't see other men as competition. Master has always made it clear to me that he wouldn't care if I hung out with other men, talked to them, etc....he's just not the jealous type...not one tiny bit and he trusts me completely. He has no worries about me leaving him for someone else. Why should he? I'm not going anywhere lol. So you think it's a bad thing; shows insecurities etc, that my sub is watched over and looked out for? That I do care - very much so. My read of the OP is that it wasn't just casual banter being discussed with the other male friend.... Therein lies the gist of my original post. Focus.

littlewonder -> RE: Ashamed (12/9/2011 7:49:15 PM)
I never said it was a bad thing but I don't see it as looking out for someone either. I see subs as adults that can take care of themselves. My daughter used to have this problem with her boyfriend. She has a lot of male friends. When they first started living together he became extremely jealous and they were arguing every night over her hanging out with her male friends. He had major problems with it. She packed up her things and was driving back to my place because of it. He begged her to come back because he loves her and wants her in his life. She told him though that if he was going to act that way then she couldn't be with him. She has friends...male and female. He had to get over it and trust her. He still has a tiny bit of a problem with it but he's learned to suck it up and realize that she loves him just as much as he loves her and she's not going anywhere.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: Ashamed (12/9/2011 7:49:38 PM)
Just because a guy doesn't find issue with a girl talking to other men, that doesn't mean he also doesn't watch over or care about her. Those things can coexist. :p

DesFIP -> RE: Ashamed (12/9/2011 9:35:45 PM)
Having friends of the opposite sex is one thing. Having them demand intimate details of your sex life is something else. The other thing here is that the op is already submissive to someone else. So why didn't this friend ask the dom for the intimate details? The op made it clear in her first post that she didn't feel comfortable sharing and the 'friend' kept pushing. And doing that says that he feels since she is submissive that he can dominate her as well. Which unfortunately isn't that uncommon. He told her that she's ashamed, when she wasn't. He demanded she tell him details that she didn't feel he should be privy to. Because if she was comfortable with sharing, then she wouldn't have had to be pushed into it.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Ashamed (12/9/2011 9:36:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littleone35 Many of you did not answer the ststed question though. Matt's littleone I think most of us did. We didn't say we felt "shame" necessarily, but did say whether or not we would be involved in such a discussion. The concensus seems to be that many simply don't share intimate/sexual information with others and some, like me, share with some people, and don't share with others, depending on the situation. Basically, everyone said they don't feel "shame" or "embarassment" about their activities and wouldn't if they shared them, but wouldn't share them. That's what I got out of everyone's answers anyway.

littlewonder -> RE: Ashamed (12/9/2011 9:44:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Having friends of the opposite sex is one thing. Having them demand intimate details of your sex life is something else. The other thing here is that the op is already submissive to someone else. So why didn't this friend ask the dom for the intimate details? The op made it clear in her first post that she didn't feel comfortable sharing and the 'friend' kept pushing. And doing that says that he feels since she is submissive that he can dominate her as well. Which unfortunately isn't that uncommon. He told her that she's ashamed, when she wasn't. He demanded she tell him details that she didn't feel he should be privy to. Because if she was comfortable with sharing, then she wouldn't have had to be pushed into it. I didn't see where she said she was forced to give the information. The op said she regularly shares intimate details with this person because that's the type of friendship they have. The way I understood it was they were talking about something about sex and the person asked a simple direct question like most friends do when just bullshitting with each other. It sounds like it was just an innocent question she was embarrassed to talk about for some reason. Imo if she's embarrassed about it then she probably shouldn't talk about her relationship to others to save herself the grief.

Focus50 -> RE: Ashamed (12/10/2011 4:07:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder I never said it was a bad thing but I don't see it as looking out for someone either. I see subs as adults that can take care of themselves. My daughter used to have this problem with her boyfriend. She has a lot of male friends. When they first started living together he became extremely jealous and they were arguing every night over her hanging out with her male friends. He had major problems with it. She packed up her things and was driving back to my place because of it. He begged her to come back because he loves her and wants her in his life. She told him though that if he was going to act that way then she couldn't be with him. She has friends...male and female. He had to get over it and trust her. He still has a tiny bit of a problem with it but he's learned to suck it up and realize that she loves him just as much as he loves her and she's not going anywhere. WTF!?! Last I looked, this was still a bdsm site - to which you seem to be applying some very vanilla relationship type standards to. I am not driven by some green-eyed monster within; that I generally do trust my girl to talk to whomever and show her own judgement with it. But (drum roll), there are still rules - like many a D/s relationship has. And I'll now state it for the 3rd time - that she is NOT to discuss intimate details and confidences with outsiders. I certainly don't and that's the standard I set by example. Now I'd like to think that with one of these adult submissives you speak of, that that shouldn't even need to be a rule. One of those unspoken things that should naturally be taken as a given for both of us.... But my experience of life is that women do share with their women friends. Now I can howl into the wind in defiance or I can find some middle ground. IE, no sharing with her male friends. Sheesh! Focus.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: Ashamed (12/10/2011 4:27:54 AM)
Des, I don't think the friend was nnecessarily pushing. She said she told "eventually" but that could just mean she waffled and giggled and jabbered a bit before getting to the main story. It doesn't necessarily meann that this guy strongarmed her. Sometimes people are shy, or just a little flabbergasted. Her M knows she regularly talks with this friennd and has no problem with it. Focus, I don't have a problem with whatever rule you have because ultimately, that's your business. It was more th way you stated that this meant you cared for your sub, as if doing it differently meant that someone didn't care. You said as a male, you couldn't understand any male not seeing others as competition and then said "something's missing" - what does that mean? Were you calling his masculinity into question because he thinks differently than you do?

fragilepieces -> RE: Ashamed (12/10/2011 4:33:06 AM)
FR---Just a FYI everyone does things a little differently in their own relationships so who gives a flying fuck if the OP shared an intimate detail with another man or not or whether her Master cared. If he did care, I am sure he would take care of it. Like I said I personally would not do that because that is how I am and it's never come up in our relationship if I can or can not share personal details. To Focus---I am so so glad my Dom does not view all men as potential competition. Last night I ran into a homeless man who is a recovering drug addict. Over the years he and I have developed sort of a relationship---meaning, I know his name--I know some things about him--and I have many times purchased food, clothes and gift cards along with small amounts of money to help him along his way. Since I moved I rarely get back to the shopping center in my old neighborhood but last night I did and I say my 'friend'. It's been a year since I've seen him. He still claims he is clean and off the drugs, now has and apartment and is trying to finish his college degree. I gave him a couple bucks and two HUGE hugs. Is he telling me the truth---shrugs I don't know BUT he did not stink at all and last time he did really badly. If my Dom viewed my homeless friend as potential competition---I'd BEAT HIS ASS and send him on his way.

seababy -> RE: Ashamed (12/10/2011 5:29:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Having friends of the opposite sex is one thing. Having them demand intimate details of your sex life is something else. The other thing here is that the op is already submissive to someone else. So why didn't this friend ask the dom for the intimate details? The op made it clear in her first post that she didn't feel comfortable sharing and the 'friend' kept pushing. And doing that says that he feels since she is submissive that he can dominate her as well. Which unfortunately isn't that uncommon. He told her that she's ashamed, when she wasn't. He demanded she tell him details that she didn't feel he should be privy to. Because if she was comfortable with sharing, then she wouldn't have had to be pushed into it. ^^^ what she said.. OP, great thread really enjoying the varied responses. As for feeling ashamed? No. However I would feel uncomfortable with someone trying to pry. It reminds me of a grubby ex of mine and his voyeristic intellectual leg humping of female acquaintances. I think alot of people aren't prepared for questions that overstep boundaries and he could get information because in many cases people are so use to being obliging they would answer automatically, even if they felt uncomfortable, that and he was a master manipulator, (that "are you ashamed?" line sounds just like him). He was gleeful when ever he gleaned sexual information from the females he knew. However maybe your Master likes having someone knowing about what you guys do. Thats perfectly plausible, and at least in your case its moot point as he has already given his ok. Speaking generally (because I do so love the sound of my own voice [:D])... I see its this way.. its not just my sex life I'm divulging details of, its anothers persons as well, and if I haven't asked permission first I am taking the power away from my partner as to what they are willing to have exposed of their intimate life. Now I dunno, I'm hardly the voice of experience, but maybe, just maybe, there would be dominants that would have issues with being disempowered in any way. Sea

littlewonder -> RE: Ashamed (12/10/2011 10:13:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Focus50 quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder I never said it was a bad thing but I don't see it as looking out for someone either. I see subs as adults that can take care of themselves. My daughter used to have this problem with her boyfriend. She has a lot of male friends. When they first started living together he became extremely jealous and they were arguing every night over her hanging out with her male friends. He had major problems with it. She packed up her things and was driving back to my place because of it. He begged her to come back because he loves her and wants her in his life. She told him though that if he was going to act that way then she couldn't be with him. She has friends...male and female. He had to get over it and trust her. He still has a tiny bit of a problem with it but he's learned to suck it up and realize that she loves him just as much as he loves her and she's not going anywhere. WTF!?! Last I looked, this was still a bdsm site - to which you seem to be applying some very vanilla relationship type standards to. I am not driven by some green-eyed monster within; that I generally do trust my girl to talk to whomever and show her own judgement with it. But (drum roll), there are still rules - like many a D/s relationship has. And I'll now state it for the 3rd time - that she is NOT to discuss intimate details and confidences with outsiders. I certainly don't and that's the standard I set by example. Now I'd like to think that with one of these adult submissives you speak of, that that shouldn't even need to be a rule. One of those unspoken things that should naturally be taken as a given for both of us.... But my experience of life is that women do share with their women friends. Now I can howl into the wind in defiance or I can find some middle ground. IE, no sharing with her male friends. Sheesh! Focus. Sorry Focus but I don't see bdsm relationships as any different from vanilla relationships...same rules and views apply.

PrincessDonna11 -> RE: Ashamed (12/10/2011 11:12:41 AM)
I agree a relationship is just that a relationship and the dynamics become unimportant when speaking of things that could happen on either side of thew fence.[:-]

Focus50 -> RE: Ashamed (12/10/2011 12:05:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep Focus, I don't have a problem with whatever rule you have because ultimately, that's your business. It was more th way you stated that this meant you cared for your sub, as if doing it differently meant that someone didn't care. You said as a male, you couldn't understand any male not seeing others as competition and then said "something's missing" - what does that mean? Were you calling his masculinity into question because he thinks differently than you do? Yikes; I give up...! Let's just go with "Men are from Mars and women are from Mars"; that we are all, in fact, just like Hollywood aliens with no genitalia at all and that there is actually ZERO difference between a vanilla, D/s, gay or symbiotic relationship. Even seems stupid they'd have their own separate labels.... We're all just one big bland mix of biege! Lilly, just when I think you're a smart cookie, you go out of your way to twist and miscontrue practically everything I've said. I'm quoting you but this is to littlewonder, fragilepieces and PrincessDonna11, too. I am so done with reinventing the friggin' wheel here.... Let the hissy-fit jokes begin. Hooroo! Focus. Edit to dial it back several notches.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: Ashamed (12/10/2011 12:06:51 PM)
Oy... I was hoping you'd get that I'm not picking you apart just to do it -- we've had arguments as well as constructive conversations. I'm just trying to understand what exactly you were saying. What did you mean by "something's missing?" That's all -- no agenda.

Missokyst -> RE: Ashamed (12/10/2011 2:41:04 PM)
I totally get this Focus. A long time ago some guy told me that unless they are gay, men tend to be really close friends only with women they considered bedding. As I had many male friends at the time I did not believe him. But being the researcher that I am, I asked men who were my friends, I asked men who had best girlfriends, I asked strangers on the net, and 9 of 10 times those friendly men would be more than OK with bedding down with their female friends. Oh, many said they probably never would try it, but they liked to have the possibility of opening that door if it ever came up. 10 yrs of asking has convinced me that just as many women view the female friends of the men they love as someone to watch, men should be just as justified of the friendly intent. It might be sexist, but we are mostly sexual creatures and on that score it makes sense. quote: ORIGINAL: Focus50 [Otherwise, all males are potential competition and there is absolutely no revealing of "trade secrets" to the competition, no matter how benign a particular detail may seem. ] quote: ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep Focus, I don't have a problem with whatever rule you have because ultimately, that's your business. It was more th way you stated that this meant you cared for your sub, as if doing it differently meant that someone didn't care. You said as a male, you couldn't understand any male not seeing others as competition and then said "something's missing" - what does that mean? Were you calling his masculinity into question because he thinks differently than you do? Yikes; I give up...! Let's just go with "Men are from Mars and women are from Mars"; that we are all, in fact, just like Hollywood aliens with no genitalia at all and that there is actually ZERO difference between a vanilla, D/s, gay or symbiotic relationship. Even seems stupid they'd have their own separate labels.... We're all just one big bland mix of biege! Lilly, just when I think you're a smart cookie, you go out of your way to twist and miscontrue practically everything I've said. I'm quoting you but this is to littlewonder, fragilepieces and PrincessDonna11, too. I am so done with reinventing the friggin' wheel here.... Let the hissy-fit jokes begin. Hooroo! Focus. Edit to dial it back several notches. quote: For me, confidences and intimacies are where I, the Dominant, need to be able to trust my submissive partner.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: Ashamed (12/10/2011 2:55:53 PM)
Ii'm not disputing the idea that some men see others as competition. Some womenn see female frieds that way, too. My previous M was pretty possessive; didn't mind male friends but didn't really want me talking to any dude about everything, especially online. When I was here, I had one of those much-maligned "talk to the Fella first" clauses in my profile. He was upfront about his possessiveness and also understood that I would sometimes try too hard to make people happy. All I was asking was clarification, but I guess I'm suddenly too dumb to warrant a response. :p haha

fragilepieces -> RE: Ashamed (12/11/2011 4:39:23 AM)
quote: I'm quoting you but this is to littlewonder, fragilepieces and PrincessDonna11, too. I am so done with reinventing the friggin' wheel here.... Let the hissy-fit jokes begin. Hooroo! Focus what do you mean by done trying to reinvent the friggin' wheel? I simply stated if my Dom where like you---he would not be my Dom. Sorry that is the way it is---it IS MY LIFE---it IS MY RELATIONSHIP---and submissive or not I choose to be happy, content and comfortable in my life and my relationship. If what you meant by reinventing the wheel is to try and change me to your way of thinking---it is a good thing you are 'friggin' done because there is no way in hell that you are going to command me to think your one TRUE way. Your insecure little self has a lot of arrogance if that is your way of thinking. ETA Just because most men think and feel emotion with their penis'--doesn't mean most women think and feel emotion with their vaginas.

DesFIP -> RE: Ashamed (12/11/2011 4:50:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep Des, I don't think the friend was necessarily pushing. She said she told "eventually" but that could just mean she waffled and giggled and jabbered a bit before getting to the main story. It doesn't necessarily mean that this guy strong-armed her. Sometimes people are shy, or just a little flabbergasted. Her M knows she regularly talks with this friend and has no problem with it. I don't know Lilly. That whole "if you weren't ashamed, you would be telling me everything" line sounds like strong-arming to me. With a sub gf, she might nott have had to be manipulated into telling him. The sharing of the details would have been her idea. The fact that it wasn't something that came automatically to her mind, and that he didn't accept her immediate demurral sounds like pushing to me. I do believe she's entirely devoted to her M, but I also think the friend doesn't respect boundaries.The fact that she's trustworthy doesn't mean every one of her friends is. We've all said that we aren't ashamed of what we do but that we also don't believe it's something we should put on our FB page for all and sundry to see. There's a line of appropriateness in sharing intimate details. So would she be ashamed just because she doesn't think it appropriate to call her mom and say she got drilled in the ass last night? Not at all. She would be showing, as we all would be, a sense of who and when and where it is appropriate to share very intimate details.

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875