RE: Ashamed

RE: Ashamed (Full Version)

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LillyBoPeep -> RE: Ashamed (12/11/2011 7:06:58 AM)
Nno, according to the OP. He said "why were you ashamed to tell me," not "if you werennn't ashamed, you'd tell me everythinng." I haven't dound any mention of a statement like that, unless I overlooked it. That statemennt is definitely not appropriate -shaming someone into doing something is coercive and not cool. But just saying "why were you ashamed?" To a friend you've always exchanged this kind of info with, that doesn't seem like a big deal, he was just curious about why she was suddenly shy on this when she's apparently shared all sorts of other stuff. Some people do have boundary issues, yes. Some people do use "friendship" to try to annngle in and get something for themselves, yes. But not everyone. And if this friend is "OK'd" by her M, then... well there ya go. I guess my further questionn would be if she still felt bad about talking after she talked, and whether or not she'll continue this level of sharing with this friend. Does her M have any opinion either way?

fragilepieces -> RE: Ashamed (12/11/2011 7:22:36 AM)
I think it is all a bit confusing because first she says that she was embarrassed because the reward was sexual then after she tells the guy he says why were you ashamed to tell me then she says ' *I was honestly surprised he said that i might be embarassed* to say something.'** I think the OP may have meant to say ashamed instead of embarrassed here and that really would make more sense.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Ashamed (12/11/2011 10:20:02 AM)
~Fast Reply~ This really isn't a D/s issue at all. For Focus, he has rules about divulging information in his relationships. There are plenty of vanilla people who feel the same way. For many people here, it isn't because their dominant has an issue with it, it is their own personal preference. For the OP, regardless of Focus's viewpoint, her dominant doesn't have an issue with it, so Focus's ire at the whole thing is irrelevant. To me, it doesn't sound like the male friend "strong armed" or "pushed" her into telling at all, the reluctance was all on the OP. And she shouldn't need to tell anyone intimate details she doesn't need to share. Perhaps rather than debating whether it is appropriate for a "sub" to tell what she does with her "dominant," the OP might be better served by us giving her the encouragement to tell even close friends that she doesn't wish to discuss her sex life.

fragilepieces -> RE: Ashamed (12/11/2011 11:07:08 AM)
quote: This really isn't a D/s issue at all The OP's actual question was D/s related---are we ashamed of what we do with our top? Why or Why not.

xxblushesxx -> RE: Ashamed (12/11/2011 11:46:08 AM)
The OP's first post was vague. I think that's why there is so much confusion here. I've read it several times and did not get out of it what some people did. (it's why I read it several times) I can kind of see how they got there, because the way she phrased her thoughts, left room for interpretation. Unless the OP comes back and clarifies, I can't offer any opinion at all.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Ashamed (12/11/2011 12:49:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: fragilepieces quote: This really isn't a D/s issue at all The OP's actual question was D/s related---are we ashamed of what we do with our top? Why or Why not. Only in so much as she said she received a reward which is sexual. She had no issues saying that she had done well and received a reward, which is the D/s part. Her embarassment seemed to be discussing the sexual "reward" she received. quote: Something happened today. I mentioned Master was very happy with something i did and gave me a reward. My friend asked me what did he give you. It was sexual in nature and i was a little embarassed to tell him but eventually i did. He said that is all good why were you ashamed to tell me that? I was honestly surprised he said that i might be embarassed to say something. Ashamed no never i am never ashamed of anything Master does to or with me..To me anything he does to /with me feels good and right. So my question (mostly for those are not into humilation) do you feel the same? Why or why not? So she isn't "ashamed" of her life choices, she appeared to be embarassed discussing the sexual things in detail. That is what most of us responded to. Honestly, her comment about those "into humiliation" is a bit off, in my opinion. While that isn't something I am into, isn't it something that is done between the dominant and the submissive? This conversation occured completely outside of her relationship, so unless it was her dominant that involved the friend for humiliation play, I really can't see where that would even apply. As blushes said, it would be nice for the OP to come back and clarify exactly what it was that embarassed her. Was it telling someone she is "rewarded" with sexual activity? Was it simply going into detail about that "reward?" While the former relates to D/s, the latter does not, and the general consensus is that discussing the details of your sex life with a friend is a matter of personal preference and if one is going to feel the least bit uncomfortable or embarassed with the discussion, don't have the discussion.

fragilepieces -> RE: Ashamed (12/11/2011 2:29:32 PM)
It would be nice if she did come back and explain. I really think what she said in my own words was this---- Master gave me a sexual reward. I mentioned to a guy friend that I was good and got a reward. He wanted to know what it was. Since it was sexual I really did not feel comfortable telling him ya know cause it was sexual but he nudged me a little and since he is a great friend and Master doesn't care that this guys is privy to details---I told him and then he said why were you ashamed to tell me that. Well I wasn't ashamed---a bit red faced to say it but never ashamed because frankly I am cool with my relationship with Master and I love everything he does to me. Anyways this whole thing got me thinking---are there people who are ashamed of their kink? I mean probably not the people into humiliation---cause they get off on that at least I think they do but maybe I am not to sure what humiliation entails. Anyhoo is anyone ashamed of their kink---I am curious. (Side note---again my Master is a-okay with me telling my guy friend all of our nasty details this thread is so not about whether it is right or wrong that I shared details). lol I probably don't have a clue.

orchid77 -> RE: Ashamed (12/11/2011 2:51:46 PM)
Some people think way too much. They believe that everyone has some reason to know who they are...and what confounds me even more is many submissives fall into this overthinking. So to the OP, take some ownership, accountability, and responsiblity for yourself. No one can make you feel ashamed of anything unless you let them. Any I don't understand why we have to figure that out for you.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Ashamed (12/11/2011 4:13:02 PM)
I certainly wouldn't say you don't have a clue, but you did (probably in an effort to attach the situation to D/s relationships) reach a different conclusion. As I said (and I could be wrong as well), to my knowledge the whole "humiliation" aspect of kink is between the parties and isn't stretched to some unsuspecting "friend" without the dominant being present. That's why I didn't reach the same conclusion as you. That and the fact that many questions that are posed on these boards aren't D/s specific, even though the poster seems to think they are. The "we broke up, but he wants to still "dom" me," and "how long before play is acceptable in D/s." When you break those down, it really is someone wanting friends with benefits and when do you have sex with someone. Those are things everyone deals with. Same as whether or not people are all openly discussing the details of their sex life.

fragilepieces -> RE: Ashamed (12/11/2011 5:11:29 PM)
I totally agree--99.9% of the questions posed here can be applied to a plain old vanilla (no hot fudge even) relationship. And honestly the OP's question could have been asked simply by asking if one is ashamed of their sexuality---why or why not---again like I said before, occasionally I feel a twinge of shame---simply because my mother pounded it into my head as a young adult that sex was dirty and shameful. But at the end of the the day does it really matter---nah cause I am probably going to keep doing what I am doing. It's sort of nice knowing that someone can relate your feelings on a matter but again at the end of the day---pffttt it doesn't matter either.

Miserlou -> RE: Ashamed (12/22/2011 1:40:04 AM)
i'm embarassed about some of the things i have done, but not ashamed. they were done out of love and devotion, so there's nothing to be ashamed of.

DaddySatyr -> RE: Ashamed (12/22/2011 1:55:19 AM)
I don't know ... I think that it doesn't matter who's trying to "angle in" on my lady, ultimately, if I trust that my lady loves me and is devoted to me, I have nothing to worry about. If she "falls from grace", she wasn't worth having in the first place. Once I remove gender from the equation, I have told every lady I have had a relationship with that they can tell any family member anything they like but that they may only have *one friend who is not a blood relative* with whom they can share everything about our relationship. In my view, everybody needs to have a confidante that they can go to; someone from whom they can get a differing (or similar) opinion. It doesn't matter to me if this friend is in the lifestyle or not (although I recommend that they be). All that matters is that she has a "pressure release valve". It actually helps my relationships (I've found). I have always made it clear that I don't want the whole neighborhood knowing our intimate details but, to me, having that confidante; that counsel is *very* important. OP, if that's what this friend is/has been, I don't understand *shame* . I understand some uncomfortable feeling because some of us are very private about things of this nature but, I have always believed that if I'm ashamed of something I've done, I shouldn't be repeating the act. Peace and comfort, Michael

Miserlou -> RE: Ashamed (12/22/2011 2:00:56 AM)
why only one confidante?

DaddySatyr -> RE: Ashamed (12/22/2011 2:11:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Miserlou why only one confidante? Outside of *anyone in their family* they wish to share *anything* with? quote: ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr I have always made it clear that I don't want the whole neighborhood knowing our intimate details but, to me, having that confidante; that counsel is *very* important. Since I am also a part of the relationship (and dominant), I have the right to limit how many people know intimate details about my relationships. I am not talking about being able to share little tidbits with a group of friends. I am talking about people (really a person, in my case) with whom my partner can share *everything* about our relationship. I don't think that's unreasonable, at all. I should also mention two things: This does *not* include any professionals that she (or we) may engage the services of; doctors, therapists, clergy, etc. These are a given. Also, I hold myself to this same standard. I don't tell a whole group of people about the intimate details of my relationships. I have one friend that I trust and with whom I have been friends for *many* years. That's the only person that knows *everything* about my relationships. I am lucky in that this friend happens to be a dominant female. I find her counsel to be priceless. Peace and comfort, Michael

Miserlou -> RE: Ashamed (12/22/2011 6:59:30 AM)
i didn't question your right to limit anything, i just wondered if there was a reason to limit it to just one non-family confidante. a lot of people's families just wouldn't understand so would make lousey confidantes. also a lot of people don't like to have any one person knowing everything, but prefer to keep that broken up among two or more people. just some things for you to consider.

littleone35 -> RE: Ashamed (12/22/2011 9:28:25 AM)
So sorry i was unclear. I did not give him intimate details jusr generally told him what happened. I talked to Master and as some of you have said he did seem to be pushing . So Master said you know sweetheart i know you have talked about things we do before and i was ok with it, but he seems a little too interested. You can still talk to him but not about what we do. So it ia all good My master does not want me to talk to him about what we do i and fine with it i obay him. Man do i love my Master. Thank you for all the responses.. Matt's littleone

DaddySatyr -> RE: Ashamed (12/22/2011 9:28:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Miserlou i didn't question your right to limit anything, i just wondered if there was a reason to limit it to just one non-family confidante. a lot of people's families just wouldn't understand so would make lousey confidantes. Hence, my not limiting it to family members only. I know that not everyone is blessed with a great, supportive family. But, here's a question for you, then: How many people should have intimate details of a person's relationship? Five? 10? 100? Let's be very clear ... I'm not talking about a harmless statement like: "Oh, Michael and I like our sex a little rough." or "Sometimes, Michael can be a little closed-minded". I am specifically referring to someone not in the relationship being presented with only one side of *every intimate detail* of the relationship. quote: ORIGINAL: Miserlou also a lot of people don't like to have any one person knowing everything, but prefer to keep that broken up among two or more people. just some things for you to consider. This one becomes a problem. I guess I would have to admit that there may be people that feel that way. I have never met anyone that has told me that they fall into this category but, I will grant it you. My only real answer to this person would be: "Then, you can't have a relationship with me." My private life is not fodder for anyone that will listen and there's not enough money in the budget for me to okay a road-side billboard campaign. I know I shouldn't make light but it's my way. I believe in being very open and I am. Most of my acquaintances know - in a very general way - that I am polyamorous and that my relationships are D/s in nature. However, I don't need a plethora of people knowing what color my floggers are or how much time my girl(s) spend(s) kneeling. Again, I don't find these kind of restrictions unreasonable since these are also my relationships. I will say that there are some people that - for whatever reason - are without blood family and I would recognize that, also. Admittedly, this would require some major discussions but, one has to recognize that sometimes people have family of choice moreso than blood. Peace and comfort, Michael

Miserlou -> RE: Ashamed (12/22/2011 3:15:37 PM)
well i guess I'm one of the ones who can't have a relationship with you, see i do find that sort of restriction unreasonable, since it would also be my relationship. that and i would never accept anybody telling me who i can or can't talk to about MY relationship, that strikes me as a little creepy and borders on a red flag to me. to each their own i guess.

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