When is it ok to talk about kink?

When is it ok to talk about kink? (Full Version)

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lizi -> When is it ok to talk about kink? (12/9/2011 6:36:41 PM)
Something came up in another thread (http://www.collarchat.com/m_3955424/mpage_1/tm.htm) that gave me a severe case of wondering what others thought on the subject. Maybe there isn't a lot of variation on this theme, but I almost wonder if it's one of those things that are so different between men and women that it pushes them apart rather than creating a common bond? Or is it more according to the individual and not divided along gender lines? I'm just curious to know what others think on this. When you are starting off with someone new, when is a good time to talk about an intimate subject like kink? *Edited to add link correctly.

lizi -> RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? (12/9/2011 6:38:07 PM)
My own thinking is that it's not ok for me to hear about a guy's kink in the first email for certain, in fact it gets deleted unread. If I want to know his general kink leanings there should be enough on his profile to give me an idea, having him emphasize it by placing it in an intro email just says that's all he's interested in. When I was looking, I talked to plenty of guys, it wouldn't have been ok for most of them to bring it up in those initial stages of getting to know each other. For me, I feel comfortable talking about it in a very general manner when I've decided that I like someone enough to meet them. At that point we're just talking about general fields of interest. See, what I think is also part of this is that men do have more intense and specialized interests, and women have more of an interest based on the person they're with. Women seem to be more flexible to trying things and being open to them, so it doesn't really make a lot of sense to match up laundry lists as it were. That's part of it I think.

littlewonder -> RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? (12/9/2011 6:39:16 PM)
For me I'm attracted to dominant personality men..whether they've ever heard of bdsm or not...that makes zero difference to me. The kinky sex for me is just icing on the cake. I can do with or without it. When I was single I talked about kinky sex whenever we were at the point of talking about sex. There was no time period..it could have been on the first date while joking about something, it could have been the 10th date. It just was never a big deal to me. As long as they were a dominant personality that's all I ever cared about.

Kaliko -> RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? (12/9/2011 6:50:08 PM)
Kink is a big deal for me. I kind of even consider it seperate from my preference for a D/s relationship. Kinky activities are definitely an extension or manifestation of D/s, or...it's just plain old fun. And highly necessary. Plus, there is quite a lot. BDSM-wise, that I won't do. (Compared to some of you guys, anyway.) So, the actual activities and the likes/dislikes for them are important to me. If I'm meeting someone from CollarMe, we will often hash out the basics to know we're compatible within the first few emails. And, dare I say, it's kind of fun? I don't mind talking about it as it is spoken in generalities. I don't usually jump into cybersex or anything. (Shush, you. You know who you are. :) ) But the topic is a fairly easy one for me to talk about and that is why I'm here, after all.

Blueyeddom76 -> RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? (12/9/2011 6:55:47 PM)
It's hard to give an exact rule of thumb, but I would say it would have to just come naturally. One problem about this subject is that it can be hard to tell with some women, which approach is appropriate. Some of the womens's profiles make you think that they want to be talked to like a sub right away (sometimes even specifically saying that in their profile), while others encourage you to get to know them as a person before bringing up the fact that you want to string them up upside down and have a midget beat them with an umbrella. Trouble is, even going by that formula, you can still miss the mark a significant portion of the time. Like the last post, she wants to see a dominant personality, while others respond better to more of an equal footing to begin with. The big problem is trying to have these types of conversations over electronic media. When I am face to face with someone, I can read their body language to get an idea of the timing of subjects, but here, it's not that easy. Usually we get the rug pulled out from underneath us if we misjudge the timing, possibly ruining any potential that could have been there.

tj444 -> RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? (12/9/2011 6:57:23 PM)
I dont want to hear about that in his first email, no... but i do want all that stuff on his profile which i read right away after reading his first email. I am not into certain things so i want to know when i read his profile what he is looking for and how compatible we are or arent. If he is into certain things that I am not into then pretty early i will usually ask him about that, to see how much he needs that stuff in a relationship. I dont want to lead anyone on or waste time (his and mine) if we are too far apart or there are deal breakers.. so i want to know about a variety of things early and that also means kink and sex.. But that doesnt mean that we start talking dirty or get into very specific sex talk.. as soon as i get the answers on kink/sex, i will go on to a different topic.. I want someone i can respect, look up to but also be my best friend.. that means we will talk about a whole range of things so i can assess our potential compatibility..

anniezz338 -> RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? (12/9/2011 6:59:53 PM)
I would think whenever the two parties agree to such. If the agreement isn't there, it's a non-issue. But one thing for sure....this is a kink site. Some are actually going to want to talk about kink.

SoulPiercer -> RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? (12/9/2011 7:10:19 PM)
Well said annie. I will add that for me it depends on who initiated contact and what information is in her profile. If she contacted me first and her profile drones on and on with cliches about fakes, wannabes, respect being earned and submission being a gift, she'd better get to the kink quick to give me a reason to hang in there a little while longer. If her profile is well thought out, gives me something to think about and ache to learn more about her, then the kink discussion takes a back seat. However, eventually we will have that discussion. quote: ORIGINAL: anniezz338 I would think whenever the two parties agree to such. If the agreement isn't there, it's a non-issue. But one thing for sure....this is a kink site. Some are actually going to want to talk about kink.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? (12/9/2011 7:12:52 PM)
I agree with you, lizi, in regards to the idea that, for many women, it's more about the man than the activity. There are things I like, but more importantly, a guy I really dig can make some things more awesome than they would be otherwise... so I don't get too hung up on particulars, but... the kinky stuff does matter. :p Maybe I'm somewhere between lw and Kali - I'm really interested in a dominant personality that causes me to respond I a particular way. That's the spark for me. And if there's a ton of kink talk without that, it can be fun, but it falls flat... but I also do like men who are totally okay with their kinkiess. :p I like that. Haha The dominance is probably more important, though, but it can be hard to get that across via text. So... with all that said... I don't really know; it just depends on the interaction. One guy can make me feel okay talking about it from minute one. Another guy, never. Hard to put a finger on it, it's just ann organic thing.

HeatherMcLeather -> RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? (12/9/2011 7:14:24 PM)
quote: I talked about kinky sex whenever we were at the point of talking about sex. This! I do kinky sex, so when sex is discussed it is kinky sex that is discussed.

Lockit -> RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? (12/9/2011 7:19:50 PM)
Some people you can fall into conversation faster with or actually mean to. lol Any man I have ever been with, everything evolved differently. With some it was the man and we just flowed. With some it was the situation and topics just came up. I don't go into depth unless I see something worth sharing that part of myself. Approach with kink and your ass will never be in my bed. lol You wouldn't even survive my email box. If it is such a rush... then I figure someone has no respect and may have a focus that wouldn't match my own.

rulemylife -> RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? (12/9/2011 7:31:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lizi My own thinking is that it's not ok for me to hear about a guy's kink in the first email for certain, in fact it gets deleted unread. If I want to know his general kink leanings there should be enough on his profile to give me an idea, having him emphasize it by placing it in an intro email just says that's all he's interested in. When I was looking, I talked to plenty of guys, it wouldn't have been ok for most of them to bring it up in those initial stages of getting to know each other. For me, I feel comfortable talking about it in a very general manner when I've decided that I like someone enough to meet them. At that point we're just talking about general fields of interest. See, what I think is also part of this is that men do have more intense and specialized interests, and women have more of an interest based on the person they're with. Women seem to be more flexible to trying things and being open to them, so it doesn't really make a lot of sense to match up laundry lists as it were. That's part of it I think. You are on a BDSM site for God's sake. What do you think the conversation is going to be about? Maybe you should try MySpace or Facebook.

littlewonder -> RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? (12/9/2011 7:31:49 PM)
Ya know...I don't think Master and I ever talked about kinky sex once, not even I don't think when we first met. I liked his personality. I liked who he is. I could tell from the way he held himself, the air about him that the rest would fall into place and it has. He's much more extreme in his kinks than I am. There are some things even that he's into that had we talked about sex and kink before we met I would have said "hell no!" and never talked to him again. But when we met..none of that mattered to me. It still doesn't. He does what he wants...whether I like it or not lol..but I like it because he likes it. [:)]

lizi -> RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? (12/9/2011 7:41:13 PM)
Funny, I can agree with something in almost every post so far. I guess this is why the topic stuck in my head, because I saw that it's pretty individual and yet pretty important to ever getting things off the ground.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? (12/9/2011 7:50:22 PM)
Kink is important to me. At this point, I have a list of NO things that's pretty firm, thought it's a short list. I absolutely go to personality an compatibility first, because. Hey, we're not playing all the time! I hope that the basic stuff is going to be in his profile. Anyone who leads with his kink--by which I mean approaches me saying Hey, whale on my junk with a wet towel, or some such, is getting kicked to the curb. Rulemylife, I'm curious, do you have much luck with dominant women?

rulemylife -> RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? (12/9/2011 7:59:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus Kink is important to me. At this point, I have a list of NO things that's pretty firm, thought it's a short list. I absolutely go to personality an compatibility first, because. Hey, we're not playing all the time! I hope that the basic stuff is going to be in his profile. Anyone who leads with his kink--by which I mean approaches me saying Hey, whale on my junk with a wet towel, or some such, is getting kicked to the curb. Rulemylife, I'm curious, do you have much luck with dominant women? Yes I do, but what I find here often,as well as in the real world are many women who are truly not dominant but pretend to be so they can have someone support them. You only need to look at the abundance of "financial dommes" that have been showing up here lately.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? (12/9/2011 8:03:13 PM)
How about with regards to the topic? Do you approach kink-first, everything else second?

LadyHibiscus -> RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? (12/9/2011 8:03:13 PM)
I certainly don't expect to have a submissive be a layabout! Neither am I looking for someone else's bank account. Professional dominants are another thing, and their CONSENSUAL clientele is there because they have a need and the findims serve it.

tj444 -> RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? (12/9/2011 8:08:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lizi Funny, I can agree with something in almost every post so far. I guess this is why the topic stuck in my head, because I saw that it's pretty individual and yet pretty important to ever getting things off the ground. well,.. one thing i have been wondering about is.. when the time comes, who brings up the subject? is it her or him??? For me, most times its me that brings it up.. thats cuz sex & my kinks are important to me and having been in a previous relationship where we were at opposite ends of the spectrum.. its important to me in my next relationship, that we have the same sex drive and compatible sex act likes.. just wondered how it works for other people...

rulemylife -> RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? (12/9/2011 8:09:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus I certainly don't expect to have a submissive be a layabout! Neither am I looking for someone else's bank account. Professional dominants are another thing, and their CONSENSUAL clientele is there because they have a need and the findims serve it. Then me try to clarify what I was talking about. How am I supposed to have respect for a domme that is unable to support and take care of herself?

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