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Question about being submissive - 12/12/2011 4:54:44 PM

subpaul22

Posts: 3
Joined: 4/9/2006
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I have always considered myself submissive. I have a strong desire to submit and have had for a very long time. Lately I keep wondering to myself if being submissive really is who you are as a person or is just lack of confidence in yourself to be the dominant one? Does anyone else feel this way?

Post #: 1

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/12/2011 4:55:51 PM

risktaker9

Posts: 197
Joined: 3/10/2010
Status: offline

No, I feel submissive is what I am meant to be and I'm happy that way.

(in reply to subpaul22)

Post #: 2

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/12/2011 5:01:55 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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I'd say submissive is really who I am as a person. I can take care of myself and put affairs in order like nobody's business. I step in all the time to take charge when it is needed in any type of situation. I have raised my family in a very proactive way...and yet I am submissive to my man. I am very happy being who I am and have embraced it wholeheartedly, even though it seems that I do both lead and follow very well. I am a submissive who rocks at taking care of business, and then I'm also happy giving my Dominant the lead in my relationship.

If you aren't happy being submissive then for heaven's sake don't do something that brings you down. For me, accepting my submission raises me up. I don't lack confidence in any way, I have it in spades and it's extremely attractive to my Dom. He likes being in control of a woman who holds her own.

(in reply to subpaul22)

Post #: 3

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/12/2011 5:08:37 PM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
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Submissive isn't about lack of confidence necessarily, though some can feel a lack of confidence when they have to perform in a capacity (like a leadership role) where they aren't comfortable. Many people actually feel MORE confident because they're able to be themselves in a comfortable way.
Submission isn't about lacking confidence, or initiative, or ambition, or anything like that.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 4

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/12/2011 5:10:04 PM

HisPet21

Posts: 395
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I think there are plenty of submissives out there who submit simply because they are afraid to lead. I don't believe that this is healthy, however. For me, submission is a choice, and as I am naturally the alpha outside of my relationship, it takes conscious effort on my part to follow my dom's lead. I want to be submissive, because I want to serve my significant other and achieve happiness for him, not because I don't have self-confidence (my ego is actually fucking huge).

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 5

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/12/2011 5:12:08 PM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

Without submissives in the world, dominants would truly be fucked. For starters, I would think there would be a lot more physical violence because; just a submissive needs an "outlet" a way to serve, so a dominant needs an "outlet" someone(s) to follow them.

Here is the only other "advice" I will give:

quote:

ORIGINAL: American Heritage Dictionary

Submit:
Verb (Transitive)
“1. To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another.
2. To subject to a condition or process.
3. To commit (something) to the consideration or judgment of another.
4. To offer as a proposition or contention: I submit that the terms are entirely unreasonable.”

Verb (Intransitive)
“1. To give in to the authority, power, or desires of another.
2. To allow oneself to be subjected to something.”

Lastly; obviously, definitions 3 and 4 aren’t really germane to this context so, we will pass over them. I do believe that all the other definitions are very important.

In none of these definitions do we see any sort of “limit” or “parameter”. I believe submission is a binary state. You either submit or you don’t.

So, if these definitions resonate with you, accept who you are and rejoice in it!

Peace and comfort,

Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 6

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/12/2011 5:39:48 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: HisPet21

I think there are plenty of submissives out there who submit simply because they are afraid to lead. I don't believe that this is healthy, however. For me, submission is a choice, and as I am naturally the alpha outside of my relationship, it takes conscious effort on my part to follow my dom's lead. I want to be submissive, because I want to serve my significant other and achieve happiness for him, not because I don't have self-confidence (my ego is actually fucking huge).

This exactly.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to HisPet21)

Post #: 7

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/12/2011 5:52:50 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

For me personally it's my personality. I have zero interest in being dominant in anything in my life. I don't like being the lead, I don't like giving orders, I don't like being the one in the front. I'm simply much more comfortable being the follower not just to Master but to anyone. I avoid any confrontation or leadership in any way possible. It's just not who I am and it's not what I'm comfortable with.

But you have to figure the answer out for yourself. Are you using bdsm as an excuse to avoid things? Or is it your personality? You have to decide that.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 8

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/12/2011 6:46:21 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I am confidently submissive. I don't want the responsibility of being in charge. It takes enormous energy for me to make the tough decisions, where there is a downside, where everyone isn't going to be happy. I will do anything for those I love including giving up my needs for them.

By submitting to him, that isn't a problem any more. He keeps my wellbeing in mind. The toll it takes on me is one of his criteria in decision making. Basically, we're all better off with him making the decisions.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 9

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/12/2011 6:52:55 PM

Casteele

Posts: 655
Joined: 12/10/2011
From: Near Sacramento, California, USA
Status: offline

While I cannot answer your question directly, subpaul, perhaps I can help give some other perspectives. I began my journey in to BDSM as a submissive male.Given my personality and how I think and feel, I thought that was what I must be. Although I am pretty fluid most of the time and none of this is absolute or without plenty of exception.. I am reserved, a bit shy, I do not display a lot of confidence, I do not take charge and command others, et cetera. I am still all of those things, yet I consider myself dominant now; not even a switch. But I never felt as you described, never questioned if I was really just afraid to be dominant. I just transitioned over time as I came to better know myself and developing personality.

I would venture to say that it's quite possible many submissives have felt that way at some point while exploring themselves. But I would attribute it more to normal growth and introspection. It's natural for many people to question themselves and wonder "Who/what am I really?" It's not an indication that you are/are not submissive--I think it's simply not related other than the question being about submission/submissive feelings.

I am curious though what other subs think and feel, and if they have ever felt like the OP in the past even if they do not feel that way now.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 10

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/12/2011 7:12:35 PM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
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I can really relate to that post, Des. I tend to do that, too.

Casteele, did you develop a preference for being in charge in your personal relationships?
How did you conclude that you're Dominant?

I didn't feel that being submissive was because I lacked confidence. Never felt that. But I did feel pigeonholed by my veeery old-fashioned religious family and I didn't want to be a certain way just because they taught me I was "supposed" to. I also felt pigeonholed by feminist ideas, though - I found that I felt the most normal when I was following, and all I really wanted to do was have a family, kids, and take care of them. :p

I felt a lack of confidence because I thought I HAD to be a bigshot CEO or else I was wasting my life. I did really well in school so that was the way peopple came across - "with those grades you could really BE something!!" Well what if I wanted to be something else? :p

My last relationship (also my first power exchange relationship) helped me finally feel NORMAL and I suddenly had a ton of confidence because everything fell into place and it all made sense. So I'm not a hugely experienced person by any means, but I found "my normal."

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to Casteele)

Post #: 11

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/12/2011 7:37:31 PM

SweetCheri

Posts: 228
Joined: 10/16/2011
From: Hopefully in my place.
Status: offline

I am a submissive, but that is not who or what I am, it is only a part of what I am.

I am, in descending order of importance:
1. A person
2. A woman
3. A submissive

And I don't think it has anything to do with confidence, it is just a matter of being more comfortable following rather than leading.

_____________________________

Une fille d'Ottawa
Grandit je ne sais pas.

CG/HH

(in reply to subpaul22)

Post #: 12

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/12/2011 9:21:20 PM

Kaliko

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Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

It's not a lack of anything in myself that makes me identify as submissive. Rather, it's the feeling of being whole when I yield to others. A slight difference, there. It's not always with a dominant/romantic partner. I am submissive in many of my relationships. I feel there is always a more dominant person and a more submissive person in any type of coupling - whether it's friendship or sisters or coworkers or whatever. I am comfortable bending more to the will and the needs of the person I'm with, not because I'm lacking anything or being taken advantage of. I do it because it's my way of giving to them, and it makes me feel good.

I do exemplify it more drastically in a romantic relationship, of course. Because the more I feel like I'm giving myself over to someone I care about, the better I feel, and I think I should feel my best when I'm with someone in that type of relationship.

It's late and I'm tired, so apologies if this doesn't quite ring through clearly.

< Message edited by Kaliko -- 12/12/2011 9:22:12 PM >

(in reply to subpaul22)

Post #: 13

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/13/2011 5:20:52 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Let me open your question up a bit. One question I like to ask subs is "What is it that makes you a submissive?"

Some of the answers I've encountered are:

I don't like making decisions.
I work at a high stress job and just want to turn over control to someone else.
I get off on the bond created by that level of trust.
I just like to be tied up and spanked.
I'm attracted to the confident air of a Dominant person.
I like to please others.

OP, how many of the above apply to you?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Kaliko)

Post #: 14

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/13/2011 7:48:54 AM

HeatherMcLeather

Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline

For me its not who I am or a lack of confidence or anything else, it just makes me wet to do what Hanners tells me to do. I'm not A submissive, I'm HER submissive.

And before you ask about Suze, Hanners wants me to submit to her so that fits under the "doing what Hanners wants" umbrella as well.

(in reply to subpaul22)

Post #: 15

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/13/2011 8:28:24 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subpaul22

I have always considered myself submissive. I have a strong desire to submit and have had for a very long time. Lately I keep wondering to myself if being submissive really is who you are as a person or is just lack of confidence in yourself to be the dominant one? Does anyone else feel this way?

Most people in and out of thr scene are dydfunctional and most of what passes for bdsm is ritualized dysfunction and or co dependent. Add to that fact you are young and feeling submissive, you will not recognize tourself in ten or twenty,years.

Male submissives are often insecure and because,of that,controling and often manipulative as they try and create external artificial security. The long and painful path of becoming secure will change you in ways ylu wont expect but will find highly rewarding.

(in reply to subpaul22)

Post #: 16

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/13/2011 10:54:29 AM

heartcream

Posts: 3044
Joined: 5/9/2007
From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
Status: offline

Aside from what might be truly loving and healthy relationships, there are sub-consciously agreed upon relationships supporting Hidden Agendas all over our poor old society. Sometimes Narcissists call themselves Doms and sometimes Martyr's call themselves submissive's for example. As I have heard said the Perpetrator and the Vicim are the same person--when I think about this and feel into it, it is frighteningly true.

_____________________________

"Exaggerate the essential, leave the obvious vague." Vincent Van Gogh

I'd Rather Be With You

Every single line means something.
Jean-Michel Basquiat

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 17

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/13/2011 1:25:10 PM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline

My mother met Master for the first time this week. She isn't happy that I seem "to subjugate myself to him". She raised me to be a strong, independent woman. What she doesn't seem to get is what she raised me to be is not who I am nor who I want to be when I am with Master (I LIKE giving him the reigns and following his lead). Of course, she has no problem with me being submissive to her, just doesn't like that I am to him.

I may live with my mother, but I often believe that she has an image of me in her mind that is not who I am at all.

(in reply to heartcream)

Post #: 18

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/13/2011 1:34:06 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

Most people in and out of thr scene are dydfunctional and most of what passes for bdsm is ritualized dysfunction and or co dependent.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM#Psychology

There are only a few studies researching the psychological aspects of BDSM using modern scientific standards. A pivotal survey on the subject was published by US-American psychotherapist Charles Moser in 1988 in the Journal of Social Work and Human Sexuality.[61] His conclusion was that while there is a general lack of data on the psychological problems of BDSM practitioners, some fundamental results are obvious. He emphasizes that there is no evidence for the theory that BDSM has common symptoms or any common psychopathology; Clinical literature, though does not give a consistent picture of BDSM practitioners. Moser emphasizes that there is no evidence at all supporting the theory of BDSM practitioners having any special psychiatric problems or even problems based solely on their preferences.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 19

RE: Question about being submissive - 12/13/2011 1:50:01 PM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

Searching4mysir, I think that's the case with most parents/family members. They donn't kow you, they know an "idea" of you. Mine were similar when I was in my last relationship - totally okay bossing me around themselves, but not okay with someone else I PICKED doing it.

Meh...

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 20

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