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Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/12/2011 11:26:37 PM

mia177

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I am just curious to find out if anyone has ever been in or heard of a similar situation to mine.

Backstory (short version):
I was in a D/s relationship with a dominant man that I loved and adored, as he did me. This past August he unexpectedly died and it left me devastated. All of a sudden the man I trusted my life with, shared my life with was gone. I was not codependent on him in any sense; I had my own life independent of him but he was a daily part of it and I rarely went to bed at night without saying goodnight to him, after a good long chat about anything and everything.

My friends and family had been very supportive of me but I felt that they could not really understand exactly what I was going through. I ended up contacting the man who introduced me to bdsm nearly 10 years ago to talk to him about it. (I have done this over the years; I was very briefly his submissive and we have been in contact regularly but not constantly.) He saw the state I was in (history of depression + losing the most important person in your life = bad) and wanted to help. He offered to take me as his submissive to give me the help, motivation and structure I needed to get back on my feet. I accepted.

So now I am collared to him but I feel as if it isn't a "traditional" scenario. I do love him and he loves me, however this is not a relationship based on romantic feelings. It is based on a mutual history, mutual respect and trust, and my need for help. He is very generous and I know how lucky I am to have him, especially as he is willing to have me for the long term. His ultimate goal is to help me finish my degree (which has suffered due to the death and other factors) and to someday take his collar off of me so I can have a relationship that is the most fulfilling for me, as he cannot do this.

Has anyone else ever done/heard of relationships in this vein, that are not of the romantic archetype? Relationships where there is a different kind of goal or purpose than that of being together/sharing a life together/building a life together?

Post #: 1

RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/12/2011 11:30:03 PM

xxblushesxx

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No. But as long as you're both upfront (and entirely honest) about what you want and need, I don't see why it couldn't work well.

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(in reply to mia177)

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RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/12/2011 11:35:51 PM

FelineFae

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i see elements of "white knight rescueing damsel in destress" and of "teacher / student" or "mentor / mentee".

Yes, there are relationships where romance is a non-focus, or unwanted all together. We all need and want for different things.

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RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/12/2011 11:51:02 PM

Awareness

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I can't help but feel there's something fundamentally unhealthy about such a situation.

Any D/s dynamic in which care and attention is provided to the sub requires much of the Dom. For someone to agree to something without a tangible return strikes me as odd. While I know some people get off on the power trip from dominating someone, personally, I wouldn't bother with such an arrangement unless we were fucking. I respect my time far too much and investing it, emotional energy and effort into someone who's simply seeking a white knight really would be a waste of my time.

From that perspective, while you may be perfectly fine with it - after all, you're having your needs met - I'd question the motivations of the Dom concerned. Especially when he's committing to a long-term investment. Frankly, I think he has plans for you which deviate from your desired destination.

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RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/13/2011 12:53:04 AM

mia177

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xxblushesxx and FelineFae - thank you for your comments. I believe we are both being honest and open about both our current lives/situations and where it is heading.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

I can't help but feel there's something fundamentally unhealthy about such a situation.

Any D/s dynamic in which care and attention is provided to the sub requires much of the Dom. For someone to agree to something without a tangible return strikes me as odd. While I know some people get off on the power trip from dominating someone, personally, I wouldn't bother with such an arrangement unless we were fucking. I respect my time far too much and investing it, emotional energy and effort into someone who's simply seeking a white knight really would be a waste of my time.

From that perspective, while you may be perfectly fine with it - after all, you're having your needs met - I'd question the motivations of the Dom concerned. Especially when he's committing to a long-term investment. Frankly, I think he has plans for you which deviate from your desired destination.

There is an ocean between us, so there is most definitely no fucking going on. His preferred type of D/s is not very sexually motivated anyway. He does get off on the power, the control and the knowledge that a girl half a world away is doing what he says. (And I have been punished for transgressions that I admitted to which he would not have known about otherwise.) I have questioned him several times on his motivations for taking me on. I do not understand his point of view or his position, but then I have never understood what any dominant can get out of a D/s relationship since my mind is simply not wired that way. I have known him for a very long time and at this point I trust him that he is being completely honest with me, as he always has been.

I am also not looking for someone to rescue me. I have bettered my life since my previous partner's death and am still independent. I accept my own problems and weaknesses and work towards fixing them. Surely if I wanted an easy out I could find someone in my own country to dupe into taking care of me but I don't want that.

(in reply to Awareness)

Post #: 5

RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/13/2011 1:16:54 AM

crazyml

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I'll admit that my first thought on reading the headling was "Oh fuck... there is such a thing as a 'traditional' d/s relationship???"

I think that the kind of relationship you've described could certainly work out, and I don't thin that there's necessarily anything "fundamentally unhealthy" about it.

But...I think the warning Awareness provides is spot on. The number of times I've seen dom guys genuinely happy with a non sexual d/s friendship is eclipsed by the number who have said they're genuinely happy with a non sexual d/s friendship but were privately waiting for the moment they could get their oats. That isn't to say that this is valid in your case, and you do seem to have your head screwed on and your eyes open. So, he could well be getting his oats from the distant control.

Out of interest, is this something you plan to be committed to - in other words are you going to stop looking for now?

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Post #: 6

RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/13/2011 1:49:06 AM

mia177

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lol - sorry for the wording. Sometimes I get a certain word stuck in my head to describe something, even if it doesn't quite fit.

I do appreciate the warning of considering what his motivations really are. Hell, I would be saying the same thing if I wasn't the one in the situation. If anyone wants to think I'm deluding myself into believing I'm the one exception, that's their own opinion but I am certain that's not the case for me.

I will not be looking for another partner any time soon. One reason accepting this man's collar was even an option was because I had known him for such a long time and the basis/foundation of trust and respect was already laid. And it is that trust and respect that has me committed to him now. With my previous Master's death so close, I am most definitely not in a place to begin brand new relationships with anyone. My next year (at least) will be focused on school and a couple of specific hobbies.

quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

I'll admit that my first thought on reading the headling was "Oh fuck... there is such a thing as a 'traditional' d/s relationship???"

I think that the kind of relationship you've described could certainly work out, and I don't thin that there's necessarily anything "fundamentally unhealthy" about it.

But...I think the warning Awareness provides is spot on. The number of times I've seen dom guys genuinely happy with a non sexual d/s friendship is eclipsed by the number who have said they're genuinely happy with a non sexual d/s friendship but were privately waiting for the moment they could get their oats. That isn't to say that this is valid in your case, and you do seem to have your head screwed on and your eyes open. So, he could well be getting his oats from the distant control.

Out of interest, is this something you plan to be committed to - in other words are you going to stop looking for now?

(in reply to crazyml)

Post #: 7

RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/13/2011 1:53:25 AM

crazyml

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Ah well, seems to me like you'll do just fine.

I hope the relationship, school and your hobbies go really well.

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Post #: 8

RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/13/2011 2:02:25 AM

LillyBoPeep

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I have heard of these types of relationships. When mine died, I sorta wished i'd had someone to turn to to keep something that felt "normal" going in the midst of all the chaos but honestly, I'm thinking it was better not to. I. Also felt that nobody really understood what I was going through because they wouldn't understand the relationship type but I feel now that I learned more about my own strength, my ability to recover,complete, bottomless despair and the battle to get back to something better. I think jumping into someonne else's control would've clouded a lot of that, and misplaced/orphaned feelings would've tried to attach somewhere they didn't belong.

I did find a play parter, but we became good friends and he's not so much a control force as he's someone I can totally be myself around, who'd understand stuff I said and didn't require a filter.

I have heard of D-types arrangig for a "designated driver" type of relationship for a long-terms s-person in case of their own death, and for some, it's really helpful, especially if the relationship was very long, or the s-person hadn't worked or something. It can be handy to have a person who already understands what your life before was like, in order to trannsition out and move o. At the same time, though, you're kinda playinng with fire in a way because of all the strong feelings that get cut off, and sometimes the other person has motives you don't understand.

I was kinda coerced into accepting "protection" from someone close to my late M, which amounted to him feeling better about himself for "helping" but basically beinng no where and unreachable when really lame stuff did happenn. I decided myself that I didn't need his "influence" - it was more a power trip for him and nothing actually helpful.

There are nonromantic power exchange relationships that don't revolve aroud death, too. Some people prefer to keep the distance, or they aren't looking for a romanntic or sexual relationship, just control. There isn't anything wrong with it, as long as people understannd each other's motivations. On Fet, you see the "I love him but he doesn't love me" topics every now and again, where a girl thought she could handle the concept but really couldn't. She was hoping he meant "something else," or that she'd be special enough to change him or something like that and it just didn't happenn

< Message edited by LillyBoPeep -- 12/13/2011 2:08:49 AM >

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Post #: 9

RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/13/2011 2:16:34 AM

MistrixMsE

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From: Chicago, USA - Touring Internationally
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I've had collars last over a decade, despite my moving cross country part way through, and without romantic intent... while there is a great affection for my boy, it is more of a maternal/mentor/deep friendship (despite the imbalance of power). This is a relationship he valued enough to wish to continue, despite my offering him the option of release. Likewise, a close and very old friend of mine was involved with a master in another country for some time, he was also more of a mentor/guardian type with her. In her case it was always understood that he would eventually release her.

I think the healthiness of it depends on what the people involved need.... and the honesty and communication between the participants. In my friends case, and my boys, both of them needed structure, protection, and guidance... far more than they needed a sexual partner.

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RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/13/2011 2:43:10 AM

fragilepieces

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Why do you need to attach the label D/s and be collared--why can't he simply be supportive as a friend? Even though I am a submissive as well, I just am not understanding the concept of 'needing' the collar. You said you were independent so you are able to function without someone giving you constant orders I assume. Again what was the need---other than support that you could have gotten just from the friendship.

I mean I see nothing wrong with what you are doing---I am just curious as to why you both chose that route vs. another one.

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RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/13/2011 3:01:06 AM

JanahX

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I dont get it. Why does he have to label himself to be your dominant and collar you to be your friend and help/advise you? Im not getting the kink part in this.

It sounds like you need a therapist if you are needing to deal with depression and grief issues.

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RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/13/2011 5:47:33 AM

DarkSteven

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

I can't help but feel there's something fundamentally unhealthy about such a situation.

I'm not going to agree with Awareness here, but I believe that the potential for unhealthiness is huge. From what you've written, though, it sounds like both of you are approaching it correctly. That said, you may have a time ahead of you where this relationship could impede your search for another.

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 12/13/2011 6:40:17 AM >

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RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/13/2011 6:32:48 AM

TenzoDom

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There are as many kinds of D/s relationships as there are people in them. If this is meeting your needs and your partner is happy as well, why be concerned?

(in reply to mia177)

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RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/13/2011 7:28:45 AM

Casteele

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From: Near Sacramento, California, USA
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Like many of the others here, I see nothing wrong (or even unusual) with your situation, but do caution you to take each step with care as such relationships can easily turn out to be bad and harmful. I have taken on a sub/slave in the past in similar circumstances. We had discussed it carefully and deeply, but the long and short of it was that she knew herself well enough to know that without something stabilizing her, she would end up just lap-hopping to fill her needs of the moment, which is not something she wanted to do. But the collar gave her just enough reason to restrain herself. We never did anything other than talk like friends--There was no playing, no D/s interaction, etc, just the collar. Relationships are not always about <insert some silly motive here>, but about two (or more) people who have something in which they agree upon--they relate with, hence the relationship. (I'm an IT geek, I work with things like database relationships all day long. I've yet to see something like the banana love the bar code just because there is a relationship between the two in the lookup table :-P So you can see I do not see the word itself as a flat, "must mean one thing and one thing only" word.) Human feelings and emotions can and do complicate the matter, but if you navigate carefully, you'll be fine, and might even come out better for it in the end.

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RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/13/2011 8:53:56 AM

LafayetteLady

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX

I dont get it. Why does he have to label himself to be your dominant and collar you to be your friend and help/advise you? Im not getting the kink part in this.

It sounds like you need a therapist if you are needing to deal with depression and grief issues.

I'm going to echo this ^^^

While there are all kinds of D/s relationships, jumping into one due to the loss of another is never the right reason. People from all kinds of relationships feel that others "don't understand" what they are going through. Love is love and loss through death is loss through death. D/s doesn't make that loss any more or less than the couple who was vanilla and married for 30 years.

I'm truly sorry for your loss, but as LBP said, she also suffered a terrible loss, and she does understand.

History of depression and loss of a loved one can indeed add up to a bad situation, but what you are doing is rebounding to fill the void. By doing so, you actually deny yourself allowing the grieving process to follow through to completion. Death is a horrible blow for anyone, and most people just want to feel better. There is a saying that no one should make any major decisions for a full year after the death of a loved one. That time can vary from person to person, but it is obvious you made this decision as a means of trying to get past the death of your partner. With a history of depression, that isn't the best thing for you.

As JanahX has said, you should seek out a therapist (or return to your previous one) and get some grief counselling. That is a much better way to handle getting past this.

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RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/13/2011 9:32:09 AM

littlewonder

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Yes. In the long run it wasn't healthy and I walked away from it. These days I would never get into any kind of d/s situation unless there were romantic feelings and long term feelings involved.

Thankfully I don't have to worry about that anymore lol.

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RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/13/2011 9:58:40 AM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mia177
....His ultimate goal is to help me finish my degree (which has suffered due to the death and other factors) and to someday take his collar off of me so I can have a relationship that is the most fulfilling for me, as he cannot do this.

Well. I just not getting why the collar is required to help you. I do wonder at what point does the collar come off?

quote:

Has anyone else ever done/heard of relationships in this vein, that are not of the romantic archetype? Relationships where there is a different kind of goal or purpose than that of being together/sharing a life together/building a life together?

I yes I have heard of them... Never actually met anyone where it had any particularly successful conclusion. Usually the Dom is doing it to inflate the ego rather than any altruistic motivations despite what there words state. The sub tends to not get any further ahead due to the relationship and
sometimes is worse as result of it.

But there are always exceptions and hopefully yours is one though I see nothing to indicate it. Same story seen many times before.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/13/2011 10:03:40 AM

DesFIP

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Sounds like a mentor situation to me. You're feeling adrift and need someone to help you structure your life. If for whatever reason he can't get into a real relationship, then I guess this is just helping him fill the gap also/

However, I strongly suggest you get yourself to a grief therapist. Because that would be the better way to go. Right now, you're just putting off dealing with things by having him step in. Eventually though, you're going to have to go through it all. So why not now?

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Post #: 19

RE: Non Traditional D/s Relationship - 12/13/2011 10:15:28 AM

CelticPrince

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quote:

I'm not going to agree with Awareness here, but I believe that the potential for unhealthiness is huge. From what you've written, though, it sounds like both of you are approaching it correctly. That said, you may have a time ahead of you where this relationship could impede your search for another.

mia,

Consider well what DS has noted here............your fortunate to have him but no in the present set up.

CP

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 20

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