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New to the Life Style - 12/13/2011 5:59:39 PM

AresDarkThorn

Posts: 2
Joined: 12/7/2011
Status: offline

I am a DOM and I am new to the BDSM lifestyle (If I make any mistakes in language and grammar I expect to be corrected.) introduced to this fantastic lifestyle by my beautiful female roomate. Unfortunatly since she is in a relationship; and I will not betray that. Does any DOM (Male or Female) have any tips or tricks for a newcommer to learn to be the DOM that is hiding inside? Like where to actually start, equipment, or even to find a DOM that is willing to teach a greenhorn in a more private setting?

Post #: 1

RE: New to the Life Style - 12/13/2011 6:05:28 PM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

First, welcome.

There's a whole lot of information there considering what a wide-reaching umbrella we all live under.

Personally, I don't think anyone can learn to be dominant. I think we can learn how to be better people which will make us more desirable and more able to lead and steward our charges through life.

If you're referring to playtime; of course there are "tips and tricks" to just about any of the activities. Off the top of my head; wielding a single-tail takes a lot of skill/practice as does fire play and many other things.

I make the distinction because there are people that are into the BDSM activities and people that are into D/s. They're not different paths but "learning" about them are different disciplines and require a different conversation.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to AresDarkThorn)

Post #: 2

RE: New to the Life Style - 12/13/2011 6:17:29 PM

anniezz338

Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline

I would suggest reading up alot on female submission. If you want to be a rocket scientist, you study up on how rockets work and what makes them tick. IMO

_____________________________

I had become insane, with horrific lapses of sanity. Edgar Allen Poe

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 3

RE: New to the Life Style - 12/13/2011 6:26:42 PM

AresDarkThorn

Posts: 2
Joined: 12/7/2011
Status: offline

I honestly did not expect an answer like that. It is a great help for me with just those few sentences.

My primary goal is to learn safe practices that do not severly endanger a partner's well being. Espically since I am highly interested in bondage and toy play. Any smoe can pick up a pair of cuffs or a blindfold; but to use those tools properly, effectivly without putting a sub in danger, and with the proper intent takes time, patience, and practice.

I am highly interested in any resoucres (Internet, books, vidoes) that can assist me in mastering myself and others.

Thank you for your time and patience in this matter.

Wes~

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 4

RE: New to the Life Style - 12/13/2011 6:28:33 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Okay. First, before I answer anything, ya wanna change your journal? Right now, it's white on white and that's hard to read.

With that taken care of:

1. "she is in a relationship; and I will not betray that". That's the first step toward being a Dom. It's respect and honor, and not submitting to your own cock. The more you control yourself, the more you deserve to control another. Kudos to you.
2. There are two aspects to being a Dom. There's the kinky sex thing, and there's being in control outside the bedroom. Some do only one or the other, and some do both.
3. The obvious first place to get info - if your roommate is a sub, is she in a relationship with a Dom? He might be able to help.
4. Google "BDSM< your city>." See what comes up. Since Maine has zillions of little towns close packed, try some neighboring ones too.
5. The above is just for play techniques. You can learn about Domly behavior outside the bedroom by reading, practicing, and observing others.

Best of luck!

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 5

RE: New to the Life Style - 12/13/2011 6:37:33 PM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AresDarkThorn

I honestly did not expect an answer like that. It is a great help for me with just those few sentences.

My primary goal is to learn safe practices that do not severly endanger a partner's well being. Espically since I am highly interested in bondage and toy play. Any smoe can pick up a pair of cuffs or a blindfold; but to use those tools properly, effectivly without putting a sub in danger, and with the proper intent takes time, patience, and practice.

I am highly interested in any resoucres (Internet, books, vidoes) that can assist me in mastering myself and others.

Thank you for your time and patience in this matter.

Wes~

Wes;

Unfortunately, I can't be of any help on much of the BDSM activities (although there are a few in which I participate). BDSM is not really my path.

Having said that, I will be happy to render any assistance I can.

I agree with DarkSteven ...

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

1. "she is in a relationship; and I will not betray that". That's the first step toward being a Dom. It's respect and honor, and not submitting to your own cock. The more you control yourself, the more you deserve to control another. Kudos to you.

I would add: integrity (which I think is another biggie). Good call, Steven!

I would strongly recommend having something (as detailed as possible so that ladies know what you're looking for) in your profile.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to AresDarkThorn)

Post #: 6

RE: New to the Life Style - 12/14/2011 8:31:44 AM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

For rope try http://www.knottyboys.com/ and buy yourself some to play with

When playing always talk to the submissve ask what their limits are etc, but more importantly with rope ask about their health, for example I have a scar so can't have tight wrist bondage.

Go to a munch. There are so many books and stuff, start here though, do a search for whatever takes your interest and watch the wealth of knowledge appear right before your eyes

Good Luck!

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 7

RE: New to the Life Style - 12/14/2011 9:23:47 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

You might want to rethink the all capitalization of DOM as well. From this submissives point of view when I see that I picture a kid yelling "look at me!" as they are trying to show off in front of some girl.
Dom. Dominant. Or heck, just Wes~ when you want to introduce yourself to a prospective partner.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to AresDarkThorn)

Post #: 8

RE: New to the Life Style - 12/14/2011 10:21:15 AM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

For bondage (rope) check out the Complete Shibari series by Douglas Kent. Great books, those are.

Also, another way to find local happenings is to check out groups on Fetlife, if you haven't already. Many groups have presences there since it's so popular.

You mention wanting to learn safe play practices, and also an interest in "masterinng yourself and others." So are you interested in D/s outside the bedroom?
Part of that is just growing up (regardless of age), and learning who you are, what you believe in, etc.also, one thing with mentoring, sometimes people ed up tryig to emulate, rather than learning ad growing into their own brand. Pick a mentor you respect but also, don't try to become a clone.

DS had some good advice - if your roomate is involved with someone, that someone might be able to give you some info, help you get involved in the local scene, recommend others who might be helpful, etc.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 9

RE: New to the Life Style - 12/14/2011 10:46:38 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AresDarkThorn
My primary goal is to learn safe practices that do not severly endanger a partner's well being. Espically since I am highly interested in bondage and toy play. Any smoe can pick up a pair of cuffs or a blindfold; but to use those tools properly, effectivly without putting a sub in danger, and with the proper intent takes time, patience, and practice.

I am highly interested in any resoucres (Internet, books, vidoes) that can assist me in mastering myself and others.

Thank you for your time and patience in this matter.

Wes~

The above sounds to Me that you have a serious interest in learning how to top. That means that you want to be the sensation giver and the person that you are playing with is the sensation receiver. Not all tops are Doms and not all Doms are tops. There are a good number of folks out there who are both, but it's not all inclusive that everyone has to be both.

When it comes to topping skills, I am a huge advocate of learning in person. Most BDSM munch groups have learning opportunities which are called demos. The purpose of demos is so that people can learn how to do a particular type of play safely. It can be anything from beginning bondage, to wax play, to flogging 101 or any other kind of technique teaching.

There are some books out there that are dedicated to one specific type of play. Some of My favorites are "Play Piercing" by Deborah Addington, "Flames of Passion Handbook of Erotic Fire Play" by David Walker and Robert J Rubel, and "Erotic Bondage Handbook" by Jay Wiseman. However, those are all specialty books and you are just starting out. You might want to go with something more generalized, like "The New Topping Book" by Easton and Hardy or "Screw the Roses" by Miller and Devon.

Definitely look into groups that might be in your area. Even if there aren't as many demos as you might like there to be, you can always find folks who are willing to teach you what you would like to know. Watch other people at play parties. When you see someone doing something that you would like to learn how to do, ask them if they would have time to teach you. (Please wait until their scene and any aftercare has been completed.) Many people are happy to be approached because their skills are admired.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to AresDarkThorn)

Post #: 10

RE: New to the Life Style - 12/14/2011 11:01:58 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

quote:

have any tips or tricks for a newcommer to learn to be the DOM that is hiding inside? Like where to actually start, equipment,

For tips & tricks, see book list in my sig.
For equipment, see shopping in my sig.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to AresDarkThorn)

Post #: 11

RE: New to the Life Style - 12/14/2011 12:21:11 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

quote:

Definitely look into groups that might be in your area. Even if there aren't as many demos as you might like there to be, you can always find folks who are willing to teach you what you would like to know. Watch other people at play parties. When you see someone doing something that you would like to learn how to do, ask them if they would have time to teach you. (Please wait until their scene and any aftercare has been completed.) Many people are happy to be approached because their skills are admired.

I agree with LP on this. Your local community is a great resource for new people. You will learn safety precautions. You will learn where people buy their toys. You will gain experience. Heck, I've been a stunt dumbie for many a newbie Dom or Domme learning how to throw a flogger. You local community is also a great place to network if you are looking for a special submissive for yourself.

_____________________________

We are stardust, we are golden, and we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

Yes, I am crazy about feathered creatures. I have a dozen chickens, 3 ducks, 5 geese, and 2 parakeets.

Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to AresDarkThorn)

Post #: 12

RE: New to the Life Style - 12/14/2011 1:09:39 PM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

Top quality first post, man. Welcome to CM.

Not much to add to what the others have said, I'd reiterate what DarkSteven said, and the comments about googling BDSM in your local area.

Fuck it's refreshing to see a first post from a new Dom as fucking sorted as yours.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to AresDarkThorn)

Post #: 13

RE: New to the Life Style - 12/14/2011 4:24:04 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AresDarkThorn

I am a DOM and I am new to the BDSM lifestyle (If I make any mistakes in language and grammar I expect to be corrected.) introduced to this fantastic lifestyle by my beautiful female roomate. Unfortunatly since she is in a relationship; and I will not betray that. Does any DOM (Male or Female) have any tips or tricks for a newcommer to learn to be the DOM that is hiding inside? Like where to actually start, equipment, or even to find a DOM that is willing to teach a greenhorn in a more private setting?

Keep in mind that when a chick posts the doms all hump her leg...and compete to sound all dommy. When a guy posts they compete to show the girls how dommy they are by telling you you arent...

Read the forums, go to groups but remember this, you are young, be yourself, have fun and realize your vanilla girlfriends arw thw sort most of these guys dream about so throw your head back and have fun.

(in reply to AresDarkThorn)

Post #: 14

RE: New to the Life Style - 12/14/2011 4:25:10 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Cant be bothered with the e button Mike? or just having a ring finger spaz?

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 15

RE: New to the Life Style - 12/14/2011 4:41:13 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Who's mike?

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 16

RE: New to the Life Style - 12/14/2011 5:09:46 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

A buddy of mine from Fergus.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 17

RE: New to the Life Style - 12/14/2011 5:10:08 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Keep in mind that when a chick posts the doms all hump her leg...and compete to sound all dommy. When a guy posts they compete to show the girls how dommy they are by telling you you arent...

Read the forums, go to groups but remember this, you are young, be yourself, have fun and realize your vanilla girlfriends arw thw sort most of these guys dream about so throw your head back and have fun.

Michael, did you mean to post that in this thread? I'm not sure how it applies. Nobody's telling the OP he's not Domly. He's not mentioning any vanilla girlfriends.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 18

RE: New to the Life Style - 12/14/2011 5:51:22 PM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

Wes;

You'll do fine.

I remember avoiding this lifestyle for years (long story I'll share, privately) and not feeling "right".

I think it takes a certain amount of bravery to come into a new "community" and start off with: "I don't know much and I'd like to learn". That is absolutely the right way to start out and it will serve you well until you do, actually, know some things.

My offer to help in any way that I am able to was a genuine one and I invite you to message me over on the other side ("Profile" link under my photo, here).

Peace and comfort,

Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 19

RE: New to the Life Style - 12/14/2011 5:57:16 PM

GotSteel

Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally
For rope try http://www.knottyboys.com/ and buy yourself some to play with

For the rope fetishist two knotty boys are great but for the rest of us the knots tend to be on the overly elaborate side and the book that I have spend a lot of time on harnesses that don't restrain and replicating bdsm gear. I'd never use rope for a ball gag, I have a pile of ball gags for that purpose and so forth.

That said their books are well written and the pictures are clear. They also have quite a bit in the way of tutorial rope videos for free on the internet that are certainly worth taking a look at.

If you're wondering about relationship advice sort of things that gets talked about a lot in these forums, if on the other hand you're looking for more info on the nuts and bolts of gear and practices this isn't the best site. I'd recommend fetlife.com it's broken down into topical groups so that whatever the practice or piece of gear that you're wondering about, theirs a group of people for that.

It also has groups that keep you informed about the current events in your area which might help you in terms of physically getting into the scene, meeting a mentor, mentoring group, taking workshops or whatever.

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)

Post #: 20

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