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Duskypearls -> RE: Name who you would like to rape on campus (1/6/2012 12:29:16 PM)
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I will share my personal story, in hopes it may shed some light upon this most delicate subject.
I was sexually abused in infancy, as well as during my pre and post teens. I learned very early it was dangerous to question authority, especially that of the male persuasion, and that during such (and other) experiences, the power differential was most definitely not in my favor.
While I have only body memories of the earliest violations, during the later ones, the immediate effect they had upon me was to literally launch my psyche into a most profound state of shock and paralysis. My involuntary response, mentally, emotionally, and physically, was to freeze like a deer in the headlights, and to remain that way for many decades.
In my 15th year, I was brutally beaten and raped, and while afterwards I did call for help from family after the fellow blacked out from a profound drunk (in fear of my life, as he threatened, with a knife at my throat, to kill me). Because of my past experiences, my mental and emotional state, the frozen psyche situation, and lack of communication skills (I had long since learned to remain silent about such things), I hadn't the awareness, maturity, skills or courage to say or do anything about it. Although I remember every moment of abuse, the only skill I developed was to disconnect/disassociate during such events, as they were so horrific.
When an authority figure violates the safety, sanctity, mind and body of another (especially a young 'un), it can be absolutely soul shattering. Any and/or all trust may be destroyed, for then, for a long time, or perhaps forever. The long term effects can be profound. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder commonly results. You are a walking wound, and the very earth, and all humans on it, become suspect, and unsafe. For years, I looked over my shoulder for my rapist, as his last words to me were, "If I can't have you, nobody will." I was/am a VERY sensitive soul, so those experiences darkened and changed me forever.
Without solace, validation, comfort or therapy, healing was unattainable, and I spent the next nearly 40 years in the hyper-vigilant state of many PTSD'ers. I psychically went to ground so deeply, I lived a life of isolation, was unable to develop normally, and did not get to partake in the most normal of experiences i.e., dating, social events, friendships, marriage, children, etc., that most other humans take for granted.
It is only now, at 55 years of age, upon entry into the BDSM scene, I am just beginning to learn, and gratefully so, it is OK and safe to be in my body, that not all touch (especially from men) is a threat or hurtful. The big difference is that as an adult, I now have the power to invite touch that is to my liking, and have some say and control over it, or to reject that which is not to my desire. As a child, or as a rape victim, I had none of those. My power and my rights were brutally stolen from me.
I both regret, and do not regret, such occurrences in my past. Much was stolen, much was denied me, and much was lost. But, and this is a very big but, however painful and lonely they, and the ensuing years were, they went far into making me into the person I am now, of whom I am very proud.
As a result, I have long since learned, the degree to which one can feel deep suffering is, in direct reciprocal proportion, the exact degree to which they can feel joy, pleasure and passion, and that is where I am now. I am no longer haunted by the past, but in a strange way am deeply grateful, for it has made it possible for me to appreciate the smallest kindness, and understand suffering in others.
I am at a wonderful time and place in my life, and dearly wish to make the most of it. The scales have been shed, and my heart, mind and body are finally awake, receptive and energized, and I passionately wish to reward it with all the pleasure, that heretofore, has been denied me.
How lucky am I? VERY lucky, I should say!
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