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Duskypearls -> RE: Name who you would like to rape on campus (1/8/2012 9:12:40 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: tweakabelle
quote:
This makes the most sense- an adolescent sends out an email using slang to another group of adolescents whom he thinks all know the same slang- and it gets intercepted, and spins rapidly out of control. This makes much more sense than a college kid admitting in an email about possible women he's intent on assaulting- something which would get him several years in prison, and the email would be exhibit A
Sorry sam, the explanation is worse than inadequate.
The idea that rape, or references to rape can be countenanced as a harmless prank is appalling. In exactly the same way that the idea of joking about or excusing through trivialisation the Holocaust is offensive. You are capable of doing much better than this.
Please listen carefully to voices of women here*. For women, rape is not a trivial matter. It is a brutal dehumanising fact of life. The terror it incites is something that has to be dealt with on a daily basis, whether one has been raped or not. Its malevolence pervades into every aspect of our lives. The pain of rape lingers for a lifetime. Some recover, some don't. There's no such thing as a complete recovery - no one is ever the same person again.
We do need a lot more male voices in this discussion. We do need those men who join this discussion to listen carefully, to empathise with womens' pain and terror and to focus their energies on eliminating this scourge, not minimising or trivialising it.
* Duskypearls message on post 615 (previous page) is well worth reading ... and re-reading to begin with.
Ah, Tweaka, all so beautifully said. You show how possible it is to directly, gently, yet firmly both inform and invite those into the conversation who might otherwise not join in.
May I please second Tweaka's invitation, especially to men, in hopes they find the courage to participate. I beg all of you, especially those of us who have been on the receiving end of rape, to please, please, please, be gentle with your words. Do not wield them as weapons to punish the innocent or ignorant. Strong words plus strong emotions can easily deter even the most strong-hearted souls. I suspect if more of us adopted a gentler way of communicating our pain, fear and anger, we'd have a much larger audience with whom to share it, and from which to receive validation and healing. That is truly what we want, is it not?
I shall make a heart-felt, most humble plea, mostly to men, and mostly to those men feeling helplessly caught in the Catch 22 of wishing to hear and be present to and for us, but fear the subject, our sometimes overly emotional responses, and our often unfortunate tendency to blame all men for the crimes of a few. We desperately need you to be stronger than our strong emotions that often drown us, to be non-judgmental, to listen with an open heart, and not take personally the pain, anger, fear, shame, and sense of powerlessness that pours out of us, much of which we feel like we have no control over, as we have not felt we've been properly heard, understood, supported, and forgiven for what has happend to, and by us.
Women especially, have mercy on these dear men who are hesitant, clumsy, or seem not to get where we're coming from. They want to help us, if we will allow them to, but do not know how. Understand we often overwhelm them with our intense feelings and scare them off. Please make it safe for them to join and help us. Understand this is an extremely delicate subject, just as much for them, so much so, they often do not know what to do with it, and feel both powerless and ashamed. I suspect victimhood is an even harder concept for many men to deal with than women, even if it is not their own, which might contribute to the lack of free, open and easy communication. Many societal/cultural influences and education teach men that vulnerability and victimhood should forever remain the domain of women, who are often seen as the "weaker sex," so naturally any subject or experience that consciously or sub-consciously creates such an association for them, may be almost unbearably uncomfortable.
Consider also, the intensely powerful sex drive of many men, so powerful, perhaps it may even frighten and confuse them at times. Do not underestimate how strong their primal urge is to conquer and sexually take the women they desire. We often see, recognize, accept, and find this reflected here on CM, and other such sites, and understand and accommodate it as consensual/non-consent rape play, for which many of us give both our tacit and expressed approval and permission. Many desire and need to do this, yet are taught from birth it is wrong and unacceptable. What confusion and frustration that must cause.
Not being a man, I do not know what it is I don't know about you men. Perhaps my above-mentioned thoughts and feelings on this are way off base, or perhaps there is so much more to it, for you, than that. I should very much like to know what, if anything, I have either misunderstood or neglected to consider. Men, won't you please enter the dialogue and help me/us to understand how it is for you, and how we can make this work better for both of us?
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