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RE: Lost my way... - 12/20/2011 6:28:51 PM

Regweld

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For those folks who were looking for a little more info...here goes...

Yes, alcohol was involved last evening though it did get me to open up or at least pour out my frustrations a bit and ask for help. it has definitely had that effect in the past though why it's at those few times that I'm willing to ask for help, I don't know.

Our oldest child graduated high school a bit young due to being home schooled for quite a few years but was unable to complete her first year of college for quite a few reasons, such as not having immediate responsibility or enough self control to be on her own so young. Some folks can, others can't. she came home and we took her back in before realizing she had failed to go to class enough times to pass. Part of her staying home after failing the first time was so that she had a second chance to go to college but towards the more recent months, she decided she wanted to work instead of going to school but forgot to mention that to us. In doing so, she has lost her scholarships and may even need to pay back some of the grants from her last semester.

the second oldest was removed from our home after a three year struggle with authority, specifically mine and his mother's. because of the situation with his parents going through a messy divorce and his lack of enthusiasm at being in my home, I thought it a better idea at the time to push him towards living with his father rather then fighting against him on a weekly basis for control of the house.

I met my girl friend about four years ago, which is really what she is at this point since I've pretty much squashed any hope of her being submissive to me until I get myself back into shape, so to speak. her ex had left their home and told the son that he was now the man of the house and at about 12, he tried to be in charge of the family which did not go over well with his mother. After knowing her for about a year, I met her oldest (the daughter from above).

I was on shaky ground from that point on and after several minor setbacks in my personal life, I had a few major ones that really shook my confidence. some of those include loosing a very good job, my gf missing her period, my gf declaring bankruptcy with her ex (and 4 years later still trying to get divorced), the gf's house being repossesed, her car as well...

so many things went spinning out of control in such a short time that I couldn't get a handle on things.

Oddly enough, I didn't start drinking at that point, I focused on getting a new job which I did but had to take one a few hours away from the home to get the kind of money I was looking for. I got on an anti-anxiety medication (which I found out recently is a cute name for anti-depressant). The same one which the oldest son from above was taking before the father lost his job and health insurance.

I'm still trying to piece everything back together after such a long time because I didn't take the time to deal with the things as they were happening. I did tell myself that I would get back to everything but before I knew it, years had gone by. In total, I probably haven't pieced back together half of what I let fall apart, myself included.

At one point, I even knew where to start...but at this point, except for the kind folks who have posted above, I'm not sure where to start first...but somewhere is definitely better then nowhere.

(in reply to EmilyRocks)

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RE: Lost my way... - 12/20/2011 6:46:30 PM

sheisreeds

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I'm guessing too that she is older?

Sounds like she has a lot of problems of her own. Also her children her priority, and then maybe yours.

Sometimes when we leap into save others we do so because we think we're saving ourselves.

No offense but that approach and dominance can make a real mess.

At this point she needs to figure out how to be a parent, and you need to figure out who you are.

< Message edited by sheisreeds -- 12/20/2011 6:47:25 PM >

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RE: Lost my way... - 12/20/2011 7:37:50 PM

lizi

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It's still kind of hard to assess things even though you added more information. Here's the thing...why do people choose to follow another? Because they see something there worth following. It is that quality that also gives you a feeling of self-worth when you do things that turn out well. You need to start with baby steps, make plans, figure out where to start and then follow through. I can't even say where to start because there just isn't enough to go on, but it's clear that no matter what is there, you aren't finding yourself making quality decisions here and neither is she.

Baby steps. When things seem overwhelming you break them down into manageable increments and begin to slowly build your way up the ladder. Get a notebook and a pen and start to write down each thing that needs to happen overall. Then take each thing and break it down further into components. Then take each single component and figure out how that particular thing might be accomplished- there may be several ways. Start with one task and one possible road to complete it and see if you can't get that one thing off the list.

Then the next, then the next. As you complete your list you'll feel better about yourself and your gf will too. We're talking tasks like getting groceries in the house or having the kids respect you both as parental figures. It all can be broken down into small steps, and when they are you have some idea of how to go about solving each thing. If you run into roadblocks go on to the next possible way to complete it that was on your list and try again with that.

I'm not trying to insult your intelligence by suggesting such a simplistic way to approach what you seem to feel is a giant mess, sometimes it's hard for us to see our way out of something that is overwhelming to us. When my husband left, my bff called me every day to see what baby step I'd taken that day towards finding some peace from my grief. Some days my only baby step was getting out of bed. I kept at making small goals or baby steps for a long time till I got myself back on track.

Don't waste your time now grieving your losses, step up to the plate and man up and get shit together. Overall, kids come first. They come before ourselves and definitely before kink. Do what is right by them and do not compromise. No one ever died from not having kink in their life, get your act together and become someone worthy of being followed and you will have a follower, she's waiting for you.

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RE: Lost my way... - 12/20/2011 8:09:57 PM

Duskypearls

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Excellent suggestions, Lizi.

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RE: Lost my way... - 12/20/2011 8:22:55 PM

lizi

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Hey, thanks DP! You know, I struggled with things like the OP, most of us with some years on us have. The most daunting things can be broken down into small, tiny, little pieces. Those pieces are a heck of a lot more accessible then the whole ball of wax. The big thing is that it's imperative to try, you have to try. Most of the other posters on this thread have said basically the same thing, that life gets crazy sometimes and it's not a death sentence for those of us that are living, it's something that can be worked at.

You can't usually take on the dragon all in one piece, you have to approach it in steps. You know, without my bff helping me through my divorce I might still be struggling in getting up out of bed, but I'm not. I went on from there to see my kids successfully launched into their own lives, started a new career for myself, and found a wonderful man who means the world to me. I would have never thought that would be possible back when I was devastated. It was the kids, I got up and fought for them. I got them squared away and then I went onto the things for myself. I'm in a good place now and I worked damn hard to get it. My kids are successful and so am I, but I'd have never known that was possible back then.

OP, you have a woman who seems like she still loves you and is waiting for you. The kids are still there and waiting for guidance. My rule of thumb is that if no one is seriously hurt or dead then things can be worked with. Go do work...

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RE: Lost my way... - 12/20/2011 9:07:25 PM

Duskypearls

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

Hey, thanks DP! You know, I struggled with things like the OP, most of us with some years on us have. The most daunting things can be broken down into small, tiny, little pieces. Those pieces are a heck of a lot more accessible then the whole ball of wax. The big thing is that it's imperative to try, you have to try. Most of the other posters on this thread have said basically the same thing, that life gets crazy sometimes and it's not a death sentence for those of us that are living, it's something that can be worked at.

You can't usually take on the dragon all in one piece, you have to approach it in steps. You know, without my bff helping me through my divorce I might still be struggling in getting up out of bed, but I'm not. I went on from there to see my kids successfully launched into their own lives, started a new career for myself, and found a wonderful man who means the world to me. I would have never thought that would be possible back when I was devastated. It was the kids, I got up and fought for them. I got them squared away and then I went onto the things for myself. I'm in a good place now and I worked damn hard to get it. My kids are successful and so am I, but I'd have never known that was possible back then.

OP, you have a woman who seems like she still loves you and is waiting for you. The kids are still there and waiting for guidance. My rule of thumb is that if no one is seriously hurt or dead then things can be worked with. Go do work...

My dear, you are so very right. The dragon(s) looks/feels so big, intimidating, and insurmountable at times, especially when there are many, and can paralyze causing great inertia. I personally know that of which you speak.

How fortunate you had a dear friend to turn to, and egg you on, and keep you moving forward. How I wish I had one such friend right now.

I'm so proud of you for getting your life back on track, and making such a difference in the lives of your children, and yourself. Good girl...you rock!

Take note, OP, this gal knows that of which she speaks. You may be fearful, weary and depressed, because it all looks like too much, but you CAN do it. One thing at a time, my friend. Pick one thing at a time, and work on that. Ask others for guidance and direction. You only need new perspectives to replace the old, poor-fitting ones, that hinder you now.

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RE: Lost my way... - 12/21/2011 12:39:01 AM

Pestilence

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

I agree with everyone else about alcohol making things worse and getting therapy. I also wanted to address this:

quote:

when it comes to a second child flunking out of school and being put out of the house for failing

The child was put out for failing? I would consider this a parenting or schooling failure. Can you even legally do this? Has this child been tested for medical or emotional issues contributing to poor performance in school?

For most of my brother's academic career, he was told he was lazy or wasn't trying. Turns out he has a right hemisphere brain disorder.

for the majority of my adolescent life (all through and after high school) my family all thought that i was lazy. i've since been diagnosed with dysthymia, a common mental illness with a high co-morbidity to depression; it causes everyday to be one of those "blah" days, no energy, feeling tired all the time, etc. even now that i'm on medication for it i occasionally feel that way, though it is MUCH less common now.

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RE: Lost my way... - 12/21/2011 12:47:12 AM

Pestilence

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god gives us trials such as these to test our faith and our spirit. you can allow them to beat you down and ruin your life, or you can work to fix them and move on. a mistake is only truly a mistake if you learn nothing from it. remember that, my friend. :]

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RE: Lost my way... - 12/21/2011 8:40:28 AM

FrostedFlake

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I don't want to repeat what the other posters have said, and they have stolen some of my thunder.

I would like to repeat this, though. A positive mental attitude is a tool. It is one of the biggest hammers a man can lift. It can make big problems a lot easier to deal with. And it is a thing which you literally grab and pick up. That is not cheating. That is how you adopt a positive mental attitude. You grab it and you lift it and then you have it in hand. This is one of the first things you should do in the morning, every morning. Before your feet touch down. Do this and everything else will be easier.

When you make a move in the correct direction, take a moment to tell yourself that you did the right thing. This little pat on the back is the opposite of the negative thinking that has been so very unhelpful to you in recent times. You have given yourself blame. And I doubt you deserve all of it. When you have the opportunity to give yourself credit, give yourself credit. The boat rides higher in the water when you bail it out.

A suggestion no one has yet made, probably because it might seem rude, is about grooming. I think you should consider the way you want to look and take a look at the way you look right now. If there is something to be done, do it. The same goes for the clothes you wear. The world will respond to you better.

Eat right, exercise, take a vitamin. Try to cut back on the saturated fat. The house tends to sag if the foundation isn't solid.

Keep in mind that there is no one who is against you, everyone wants you to succeed.
Frosted Flake

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RE: Lost my way... - 12/24/2011 6:52:06 AM

Regweld

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Thank you all for so many encouraging words, especially at this time of year when the holidays seem to drag the worst out of me due to loosing close family this time of year and having bad experiences around the holidays without them. It seems that this time of year always brings me down and with so many other things going on that seem to be rocking the boat, just getting out of bed or even into bed have been rather difficult.

I had also forgotten how having such strong friends and a wonderful supportive community can help put me back on track, especially after growing up with folks that gave me strong examples of how far you can get on your own if you just want something bad enough. Most of the strong role models I've had in the past gave off an impression that they were able to do it all themselves though I've learned differently in the last decade it's still difficult to see past the original impression I received as a child.

Thank you all again and even more so to the ones currently going through their own struggles (mostly everyone, to some extent) who still gave me the time to help put me on track when they could have do what I was doing and been too busy to bother helping anyone else.

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RE: Lost my way... - 12/24/2011 11:41:46 AM

DesFIP

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Lots of college freshman can't handle being away. Especially true for home schooled ones who are younger than average, are missing some socialization skills, etc. Of our blended family, only the oldest of both went through a traditional college path. His middle one needs two more community college classes to get her associates. She took this year off totally but will finish those credits over the summer.

His youngest still doesn't know what he wants to do and has started and stopped two different community college programs while working. He finally has settled on a degree path and will start this January.

My youngest had a lot of difficulty finishing high school due to alcohol use. He's now six months sober and doing fairly well in community college. He's repeating one course this spring due to missing an important paper that was due the same time his girlfriend of two years broke up with him.

We don't consider any of them as failures. Because even though they had to stop, they are coming back to it. Expecting kids to do things flawlessly is intolerable. The troubles you are having now should be shared with all of the family. They will respect you more for fighting to succeed when things don't go well and overcoming the difficulties more than if you had never had any difficulties to begin with.

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