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Non-Sexual D/s - 12/29/2011 10:30:49 AM   
xXLithiumXx


Posts: 723
Joined: 9/2/2008
From: Hell, Kentucky
Status: offline 		I may be posting in the wrong thread, but, I am looking for a general reply from anyone that can offer some insight and ideas.


I have been seeing someone on and off for a year now. Due to a few extenuating circumstances, the possibility of a full time D/s relationship is just not realistic. But the undertone of it is there, and the relationship is strong enough that I trust this person's advice and guidance.

The issue is that at this time in my life, I am not really interested in having a sexual partner. I am more concerned with deeper mental and emotional bonds.

I see him as Dominant, and I respect his opinion and I trust him. He has already improved my life in so many ways. I feel very submissive towards him.

How can he guide me as a dominant, when punishments would be difficult...or rather, what are some things that we can discuss as possible consequences for actions?


I realize this may have been asked before, and when I did search for non sexual D/s, I got nothing.

I realize my phrasing may be a bit off, and hard to understand, I do apologize for that. My mind is a bit clustered when I think on this subject.

So...if you can follow the insanity...Im willing to listen.

_____________________________

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement


You have to believe in yourself. -Tsun Tzu-

Resident Malkavian.
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RE: Non-Sexual D/s - 12/29/2011 10:36:58 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

How can he guide me as a dominant, when punishments would be difficult...or rather, what are some things that we can discuss as possible consequences for actions?


Funishments are sexual; punishments hurt (not necessarily physically); neither needs to be part of a D/s dynamic.

See http://www.collarchat.com/m_3976657/tm.htm

(in reply to xXLithiumXx)
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RE: Non-Sexual D/s - 12/29/2011 10:44:29 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

The issue is that at this time in my life, I am not really interested in having a sexual partner. I am more concerned with deeper mental and emotional bonds.


Is he ok with this too?

I've been in several service-only relationships. Not my ideal, but if everyone is willing, go for it!

See especially Stella's post here: http://www.collarchat.com/m_3941984/mpage_1/tm.htm

(in reply to xXLithiumXx)
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RE: Non-Sexual D/s - 12/29/2011 10:49:46 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Punishments should be only for willful disobedience. Punishing someone for being late when a major accident closes the road or they get a flat tire and have to wait for a tow truck is inappropriate.

Willful disobedience shouldn't happen if the dominant is asking things that won't cause problems for the sub.

Now problems do occur, at which point an intelligent dominant can be very helpful by either solving the problem or leading the sub to figure out a solution him/her self.

It's more than possible to have a punishment free relationship.

Beyond that, the fact that he isn't having sex with you doesn't mean he can't still order you not to masturbate for a week. As long as you're not involved in another relationship which is sexual, he can still limit your sexual release or refuse you permission entirely.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Non-Sexual D/s - 12/29/2011 10:49:56 AM   
MikeSojourner


Posts: 31
Joined: 11/8/2011
Status: offline 		It's not as common as D/s involving sex, but not all that rare.

Since you specifically mentioned punishments -- Punishments don't have to be sexual in nature.  Personally, I rarely use anything sexual as a punishment.  Any punishment/correction should be related to the reason it's needed.  I've had a submissive that failed to call me when specified, so she had to text me every hour on the hour for a day.



(in reply to xXLithiumXx)
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RE: Non-Sexual D/s - 12/29/2011 11:29:00 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline 		Non-sexual D/s is quite possible.  I've done it quite frequently.

IMO, non-sexual D/s is a less common form of D/s because so many people go into it primarily for the sexual aspects.

Personally, I am into the power exchange aspect of D/s.  The sexual component is secondary.  I was in a D/s relationship for 2 years that included no sex.  It was more of a personal servant relationship.

I also have an ongoing friendship with a Domme that I am submitted to.  I'm not in a "relationship" with her.  But I've known her for years, and she knows that if she calls me and tells me to do something, I'll obey her.  We are not equals, and our interactions reflect that. 

Some people may say that's weird.  But it works for us.  We are too far away for us to have a real-time relationship.  But we communicate on a regular basis, and we "click".  There is no doubt that if we lived close enough, we'd be in a relationship.  But since we don't, we simply have a long-distance friendship that is definitely D/s, but it includes no sex.  When she tells me to do something, I do it.  No questions asked.  And we both take great comfort in the fact that we both understand our friendship and maintain our respective roles within it (despite the lack of sex).

The bottom line is that if you are happy with a situation, then that's all that matters.  Don't worry about other people's definitions or opinions.  Do you, and everything else will be okay.

(in reply to xXLithiumXx)
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RE: Non-Sexual D/s - 12/29/2011 12:03:23 PM   
xXLithiumXx


Posts: 723
Joined: 9/2/2008
From: Hell, Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

The issue is that at this time in my life, I am not really interested in having a sexual partner. I am more concerned with deeper mental and emotional bonds.


Is he ok with this too?

I've been in several service-only relationships. Not my ideal, but if everyone is willing, go for it!

See especially Stella's post here: http://www.collarchat.com/m_3941984/mpage_1/tm.htm



It's not about service as much as it is about giving the control.

I realize that my life is a disorganized mess on most days. And I think if I had a Dominant to help me kind of reign that in...

But I know that I am human, and I know I will make mistakes and I know that I will do things that are messed up. That is what made me wonder...if we aren't physical, and I do fall short...how can that be handled?



_____________________________

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement


You have to believe in yourself. -Tsun Tzu-

Resident Malkavian.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Non-Sexual D/s - 12/29/2011 12:16:39 PM   
xXLithiumXx


Posts: 723
Joined: 9/2/2008
From: Hell, Kentucky
Status: offline 		I have just realized I am terrible at explaining things-


We are very close, we have been physical in the past, but it is secondary.

I agree that it is possible to have a punishment free relationship, and ideally, it shouldn't be like a parent and child (at least not for me) because I am not a masochist, and that aspect of our relationship is very limited.

I am not looking at it from a service aspect. I am looking at it from the aspect that I respect that he is stronger and more in control of things than I am, and I realize that it would be a good way for me to have that guidance.

It could be as well that I haven't been in touch with my sub self for any kind of time and this is just something to fill the need.



_____________________________

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement


You have to believe in yourself. -Tsun Tzu-

Resident Malkavian.

(in reply to xXLithiumXx)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Non-Sexual D/s - 12/29/2011 12:17:58 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I believe you're seeking what I would call a coaching relationship.  There is a board called Spanking Therapy (http://spankingtherapy.invisionzone.com/) that uses spanking as a disciplinary tool in these kinds of relationships.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to xXLithiumXx)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Non-Sexual D/s - 12/29/2011 12:43:26 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

It's not about service as much as it is about giving the control.

I realize that my life is a disorganized mess on most days. And I think if I had a Dominant to help me kind of reign that in...

But I know that I am human, and I know I will make mistakes and I know that I will do things that are messed up. That is what made me wonder...if we aren't physical, and I do fall short...how can that be handled?


Punishment does not need to be sexual - now write that 1,000 times!

What's he getting out of this? While non-sexual D/s relationship do exist (write that 1,000 times too) f y'all were physical before, I doubt he will be content being non sexual for an extended amount of time moving forward.

(in reply to xXLithiumXx)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Non-Sexual D/s - 12/29/2011 2:05:16 PM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		Its important to understand what both of you want from the relationship. If you want to give up control and he wants it then you are sorted. To be honest many people have limits, those limits being sexual is no real issue. You need to be clear about where the lines are.

Now I am going to take sexual as being BDSM activities so punishment can be anything. I have heard some people have their books taken away, some being banned from watching telly, some having to write lines as is mentioned above, punishment simply has to be something that is not enjoyable, indeed it is often easier to have that punishment as something that is not sexual.

I do not know where else to go with my advice as the only real thing you mention is punishment but everything is possible when you think outside the box.


_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: Non-Sexual D/s - 12/29/2011 2:06:49 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		~FR~ *tacklehugs my colourful Lilly*

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)
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RE: Non-Sexual D/s - 12/29/2011 2:39:06 PM   
SixMore2Go


Posts: 190
Joined: 7/1/2009
Status: offline 		And why exactly is it that a man would want to put up with a woman if he were not going to be shagging her?

_____________________________



(in reply to xXLithiumXx)
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RE: Non-Sexual D/s - 12/29/2011 3:27:16 PM   
xXLithiumXx


Posts: 723
Joined: 9/2/2008
From: Hell, Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I believe you're seeking what I would call a coaching relationship.  There is a board called Spanking Therapy (http://spankingtherapy.invisionzone.com/) that uses spanking as a disciplinary tool in these kinds of relationships.




That's actually probably the closest definition to what I would call it.

I will check that out. Thank you so much.

_____________________________

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement


You have to believe in yourself. -Tsun Tzu-

Resident Malkavian.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Non-Sexual D/s - 12/29/2011 3:29:31 PM   
xXLithiumXx


Posts: 723
Joined: 9/2/2008
From: Hell, Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

It's not about service as much as it is about giving the control.

I realize that my life is a disorganized mess on most days. And I think if I had a Dominant to help me kind of reign that in...

But I know that I am human, and I know I will make mistakes and I know that I will do things that are messed up. That is what made me wonder...if we aren't physical, and I do fall short...how can that be handled?


Punishment does not need to be sexual - now write that 1,000 times!

What's he getting out of this? While non-sexual D/s relationship do exist (write that 1,000 times too) f y'all were physical before, I doubt he will be content being non sexual for an extended amount of time moving forward.



He isn't as skilled in the physical realm of BDSM, so we tend to limit that end of things to simple bondage (cuffs and quick releases and that kind of thing). The physical aspect is pretty vanilla, but that is all because of timing and so on.

He's poly, so...add that in...and maybe you begin to see what I am a bit confused about how to handle this, and openly communicate things that may or may not work-he works in a supervisory position, has kids, has a wife...so...it makes things a lil more complicated in terms of time tables.

He also says he wants to see me do better for myself than what I am doing.


_____________________________

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement


You have to believe in yourself. -Tsun Tzu-

Resident Malkavian.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Non-Sexual D/s - 12/29/2011 3:32:29 PM   
xXLithiumXx


Posts: 723
Joined: 9/2/2008
From: Hell, Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SixMore2Go

And why exactly is it that a man would want to put up with a woman if he were not going to be shagging her?



Well, as I said, lol. We do sleep together, when time and so on allows, it just isnt often..

I-specifically- have no real interest right this second, but that is common for me in the winter months.

It also has a great deal to do with the fact that the prospects for anything sexual and long term in my area are...ahem...less than desirable.



Lovely hair by the way.

_____________________________

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement


You have to believe in yourself. -Tsun Tzu-

Resident Malkavian.

(in reply to SixMore2Go)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Non-Sexual D/s - 12/29/2011 3:36:08 PM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xXLithiumXx


quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

It's not about service as much as it is about giving the control.

I realize that my life is a disorganized mess on most days. And I think if I had a Dominant to help me kind of reign that in...

But I know that I am human, and I know I will make mistakes and I know that I will do things that are messed up. That is what made me wonder...if we aren't physical, and I do fall short...how can that be handled?


Punishment does not need to be sexual - now write that 1,000 times!

What's he getting out of this? While non-sexual D/s relationship do exist (write that 1,000 times too) f y'all were physical before, I doubt he will be content being non sexual for an extended amount of time moving forward.



He isn't as skilled in the physical realm of BDSM, so we tend to limit that end of things to simple bondage (cuffs and quick releases and that kind of thing). The physical aspect is pretty vanilla, but that is all because of timing and so on.

He's poly, so...add that in...and maybe you begin to see what I am a bit confused about how to handle this, and openly communicate things that may or may not work-he works in a supervisory position, has kids, has a wife...so...it makes things a lil more complicated in terms of time tables.

He also says he wants to see me do better for myself than what I am doing.



You say he is married and poly, but is she poly as well? Does she know about you?

(in reply to xXLithiumXx)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Non-Sexual D/s - 12/29/2011 3:56:04 PM   
xXLithiumXx


Posts: 723
Joined: 9/2/2008
From: Hell, Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir


quote:

ORIGINAL: xXLithiumXx


quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

It's not about service as much as it is about giving the control.

I realize that my life is a disorganized mess on most days. And I think if I had a Dominant to help me kind of reign that in...

But I know that I am human, and I know I will make mistakes and I know that I will do things that are messed up. That is what made me wonder...if we aren't physical, and I do fall short...how can that be handled?


Punishment does not need to be sexual - now write that 1,000 times!

What's he getting out of this? While non-sexual D/s relationship do exist (write that 1,000 times too) f y'all were physical before, I doubt he will be content being non sexual for an extended amount of time moving forward.



He isn't as skilled in the physical realm of BDSM, so we tend to limit that end of things to simple bondage (cuffs and quick releases and that kind of thing). The physical aspect is pretty vanilla, but that is all because of timing and so on.

He's poly, so...add that in...and maybe you begin to see what I am a bit confused about how to handle this, and openly communicate things that may or may not work-he works in a supervisory position, has kids, has a wife...so...it makes things a lil more complicated in terms of time tables.

He also says he wants to see me do better for myself than what I am doing.



You say he is married and poly, but is she poly as well? Does she know about you?



Yes, she and I are friends and she is poly.

She is somewhat submissive, but it's weird, because she isnt. Lol.





_____________________________

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement


You have to believe in yourself. -Tsun Tzu-

Resident Malkavian.

(in reply to searching4mysir)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Non-Sexual D/s - 12/29/2011 4:02:36 PM   
Fornica


Posts: 2986
Status: offline 		So would he be more of a "CEO" type figure in your life? Managing you type of thing?
I think it's possible, sure. There are so many different dynamics, whatever works for you guys!

_____________________________

There is no spoon.


(in reply to xXLithiumXx)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Non-Sexual D/s - 12/29/2011 4:13:01 PM   
xXLithiumXx


Posts: 723
Joined: 9/2/2008
From: Hell, Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Fornica

So would he be more of a "CEO" type figure in your life? Managing you type of thing?
I think it's possible, sure. There are so many different dynamics, whatever works for you guys!



Yeah. I mean basically...Im a big kid, and a hedonist to boot. If it feels good and is fun, I am all about trying to do it.

Obviously, this can result in some less than desirable after effects.

The second side to that is that I am also sick of feeling like I am drifting...I know that it is me, and I know that I have some motivational issues.

I think, somewhere in my sick little head, that if I get back under the rule of a dom that I can live with, respect and trust, then...I should be able to address a few things.

Granted, we are negotiating things to a certain degree, and nothing has been set in stone, but I just wonder...is this right? Can this work, and if so...HOW!?

Im trading emails with him in fb right now to see if we can hammer out some details.

He is receptive and open to discuss. So...I think it will be okay. But, I can always use pointers and suggestions.



_____________________________

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement


You have to believe in yourself. -Tsun Tzu-

Resident Malkavian.

(in reply to Fornica)
Profile   Post #: 20
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