Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: ve not met him yet.


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: ve not met him yet. Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: ve not met him yet. - 12/31/2011 7:55:59 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		No, I'm not saying you will never know them. But you know someone in a more intimate way, when you spend all day every day together. That can be good or bad, but you definitely see more of whatever it is they are.
People can definitely hide their temper better from a distance. When you're together day and night, you see how they treat their pets, their children, their parents, siblings and friends. You see how they treat "underlings" and what they say about the people they work with. (and how they react to phone calls from them.)
There are arguments that HM and I have, that my children and I have, that the world will never see. Because it's private to my household. So, you may know me, but you won't know as much as if you live with me.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to fragilepieces)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: ve not met him yet. - 12/31/2011 7:59:34 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bree11

SO basically some how with me being new to the whole lifestyle and letting this Dom use possessive phrases, I basically have walked into a proverbial mess. Thanks. No I have no collar and I have spoken with his family as well as he has spoken to mine. quit often. Still for me I am in a grey area and will make a more contentious effort to stop this snowball effect from becoming a disaster.. 


My best advice for you is to treat this guy as you would treat a vanilla dating partner. Would you be ready to marry/move in with him? Or would you want to meet him in person and get to know him better first?
All the rules you have in the 'nilla world still apply, but here, you may have to be even more careful.
Just take your time. The getting to know you is one of the best parts, anyway!

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to Bree11)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: ve not met him yet. - 12/31/2011 8:19:11 AM   
Miserlou


Posts: 264
Joined: 12/20/2011
Status: offline 		good.
i'll tell you a story. on boxing day i started chatting with a domme on here, we have spent many hours chatting through yahoo and skype every day since then, i'm a little embarrassed to admit i spend almost all my free time talking with her (i love her accent. canadians are so cute "get oot, what are you on aboot, i have no accent, eh" ).

is she the one? i don't know, she could be and at this point i sort of hope so, but until i have spent many hours with her face to face i'm not even going to consider her seriously. she's only a few hours away by car and because i have a feeling there might be something here, i am considering asking her for a meeting in some town between our two where we are both on neutral ground. i can't imagine living local to somebody and not having met already, how much time does it take to have a cup of coffee? how seriously can he take you if he won't make the time to do that, after all he has lots of time to chat with you and your family.

and as far as the use of possessives go, they don't mean anything either. she has said things like "how's my miz today", i kind of like that, its nice and always makes me smile. and when she says it in french...well!  that's just hot. but as nice (or hot) as that is, in no way do i consider her use of a possessive to imply any claim on me, let alone ownership. as anxious as i am for something, as much as i would like to fall for somebody and have somebody to hold again, i am not going to check my brain at the door. i'm glad you aren't going to either bree, put it on the table. tell him you  want to meet for a coffee, and insist.

ok sorry, i'm rambling now, anyway, i'm glad you are going to take a step back and slow things down a little it can be very exciting and a little overwhelming when things start to click.


_____________________________

Misery

and the history books forgot about us

(in reply to Bree11)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: ve not met him yet. - 12/31/2011 8:19:25 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bree11

SO basically some how with me being new to the whole lifestyle and letting this Dom use possessive phrases, I basically have walked into a proverbial mess. Thanks. No I have no collar and I have spoken with his family as well as he has spoken to mine. quit often. Still for me I am in a grey area and will make a more contentious effort to stop this snowball effect from becoming a disaster.. 


Hey there, don't sweat it, things will work out fine. There's a phase of D/s that is called 'sub frenzy' when people who are new to submission  kind of get swept up in things and get carried away. I did some idiotic things when I started out, most of us did. It's very cool that you came here looking for information- something wasn't right to you and you wanted to check it out. In the process you're finding out where your boundaries are, not a bad thing at all!! It's like being an informed consumer....before you buy a car you figure out what size, type, cost, is best for you. And you know what? Feel free to use the boards in the future to do a search on old threads or ask new questions. Information is always an ally.

So how can you proceed now? Do you genuinely like the man and wish to get to know him further? If so, I'd sit down and write him an email. Email would work better than a conversation because you can outline your points and say what you need to say without being distracted or swayed by him. In the email I'd say that you are interested in him, but you got caught up in things and as a consequence things have progressed to a point that you are not comfortable with, so you'd like to backtrack a little to a place of comfort and proceed with him more slowly. In the email tell him that because you are interested you would like to ask him questions, like what does owning you mean to him? How does he envision your relationship together? How often will you see each other? Is he monogamous? Is he married? Is he looking for something casual or long term? Etc. You have every right in the world to ask about a relationship you will be participating in and steer it into being what is right for you and have it meet your needs.

If you decide at any time that this isn't right then just let him know, you're under no compunction to carry through on something that isn't right for you. One thing I'd check out more closely is why he hasn't met you yet. That is troubling to me. See if his answers to those questions seem evasive to you or forthright.

(in reply to Bree11)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: ve not met him yet. - 12/31/2011 8:59:18 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bree11

SO basically some how with me being new to the whole lifestyle and letting this Dom use possessive phrases, I basically have walked into a proverbial mess. Thanks. No I have no collar and I have spoken with his family as well as he has spoken to mine. quit often. Still for me I am in a grey area and will make a more contentious effort to stop this snowball effect from becoming a disaster.. 


You are new and didn't know.

It may be a mess and it might not be; it is too soon to really know.
The most important thing really isn't the semantics; it is how do you now feel about his taking possession of you?
Sometimes the specialness one feels is pretty strong.
That feeling of being special isn't wrong, but like castles in the air you really do need a foundation beneath it.

One of the things I learned is that without the ability to say "No.", "Yes!" has no real meaning.

lizi offered some excellent counsel.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to Bree11)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: ve not met him yet. - 12/31/2011 9:02:07 AM   
Miserlou


Posts: 264
Joined: 12/20/2011
Status: offline 		lizi usually does.

_____________________________

Misery

and the history books forgot about us

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: ve not met him yet. - 12/31/2011 9:27:00 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		<-------- lizi fan

(in reply to Miserlou)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: ve not met him yet. - 12/31/2011 4:12:13 PM   
hausboy


Posts: 2360
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline 		Bree..
there's nothing wrong with slowing down and taking it at your own pace.  For me, entering into a BDSM relationship takes the same amount of time and effort as any relationship.  Even casual play--I always meet face to face, and more than once, to get to know them first.  It really doesn't matter if it is your life, your lifestyle, your bedroom activities or "just a game" to you--this is someone you really don't know, haven't met and if you are about to trust your flesh to them, you owe it yourself to make sure he is someone compatible.

My family met my ex--and  for 14 years--they told me they loved her because they knew how smitten I was and didn't want to get in the way.  Hindsight is 20/20, but I really wish they had been honest up front.  Your family saw him once or twice via video chat?  That's not knowing him.  I've chatted with plenty of women online...and after spending actual time with them, realized that we weren't right for each other.  Amazing how you can chat online for hours....and yet when he or she is sitting across the table from you, can't keep a conservation for 10 minutes. 

He can't own what is not willingly given to him. Slow down, and get to really know him first--if he is really worth it, he'll be patient.  good luck.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: ve not met him yet. - 12/31/2011 4:13:28 PM   
fragilepieces


Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline
quote:

One thing I'd check out more closely is why he hasn't met you yet.
I spoke to a Dom for over three years before we met---nope he was not married---nope he was not pulling some kinda bullshit---it was just the way things worked out....sometimes those kinda things happen.

_____________________________

Me to Daddy: Now you'll think I'm a weirdo
Him: I love you BECAUSE you ARE a weirdo.

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: ve not met him yet. - 12/31/2011 4:24:56 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Most of us know someone that was successful in doing things ill advised and some of us have even been involved. As I got older, I saw how many times these things or risks didn't work out... how there were games people played and I had to lose my Polly Anna. Yet, I have and will take risks sometimes. Sometimes it pays off and sometimes it doesn't. There are risks I will take and then there are risks I will not take. I will take a risk that involves only me that could be hurt by it. In other words, I won't risk anyone else in my attempt to have some fun of some sort.

There are things that will cause chaos most of the time and how many times have we heard a story very similar to the op's story and how heart broken/angry they were and how many threads over it? We each have to determine what we are willing to accept or risk. However, I will say, if you are at all confused... back up a bit. When taking a risk... I am right there in the moment knowing most of what could happen otherwise I won't do it. If you don't have a sure footing starting off... step lightly.


_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to fragilepieces)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: ve not met him yet. - 12/31/2011 5:16:27 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Yep, Lockit and Fragile both have a very good point. Listening to that inner voice (which sometimes is telling us to back off or quit, and is sometimes telling us to ignore conventional wisdom) is the best thing we can do.
You'll know when you're listening to it...you feel peace with your decisions. You'll know when you're not...you'll try not to hear it, to ignore it, but you won't feel comfortable with your decision(s) no matter how much you tell yourself you are.
It does get easier with practice.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: ve not met him yet. - 1/1/2012 5:15:39 AM   
fragilepieces


Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Yep, Lockit and Fragile both have a very good point. Listening to that inner voice (which sometimes is telling us to back off or quit, and is sometimes telling us to ignore conventional wisdom) is the best thing we can do.
You'll know when you're listening to it...you feel peace with your decisions. You'll know when you're not...you'll try not to hear it, to ignore it, but you won't feel comfortable with your decision(s) no matter how much you tell yourself you are.
It does get easier with practice.

That is one of the best posts ever on CM----yes I normally do things that are against the grain BUT my inner voice (gut) steers me in the right direction. Not everyone is like me though.

You summed it all up well blushes. Again outstanding post!!!!!!!!!!

_____________________________

Me to Daddy: Now you'll think I'm a weirdo
Him: I love you BECAUSE you ARE a weirdo.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: ve not met him yet. - 1/1/2012 7:28:17 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fragilepieces

I spoke to a Dom for over three years before we met---nope he was not married---nope he was not pulling some kinda bullshit---it was just the way things worked out....sometimes those kinda things happen.


But was he close by as in the case with the OP?

(in reply to fragilepieces)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: ve not met him yet. - 1/1/2012 7:35:37 AM   
fragilepieces


Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

ORIGINAL: fragilepieces

I spoke to a Dom for over three years before we met---nope he was not married---nope he was not pulling some kinda bullshit---it was just the way things worked out....sometimes those kinda things happen.


But was he close by as in the case with the OP?

Actually no however like I said my current Dom is semi close 5 hours and it still took time for us to meet because of timing--it was a couple months...things like that happen---I mean if I had blown it off and shrugged thinking he was married well....an unexpected house guest showed up for the holidays which put our plans on a back burner---could that unexpected house guest be (drama music inserted) wife? another slave?

I'm just saying not meeting right away and plans not happening does not have to mean anything other than what it is.....sometimes I think we read too much into the posts (and we all do it).

ETA and sometimes we need to trust---I have been screwed over a zillion times by liars but I still have lots of trust and faith---having someone lie to me and upset my whole world does hurt really bad but it getting over it and moving onwards with trust and faith left makes my life happier and more content. And that liar did not screw up my whole life cause I stood tall and moved ON.

< Message edited by fragilepieces -- 1/1/2012 7:39:09 AM >

_____________________________

Me to Daddy: Now you'll think I'm a weirdo
Him: I love you BECAUSE you ARE a weirdo.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: ve not met him yet. - 1/1/2012 8:00:27 AM   
seekingOwnertoo


Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I keep coming back to the "too busy to meet" bit.



I was wondering if he works in retail and it was just crazy hours from Black Friday on. And now that the holidays are over, he's back to normal hours.

Like accountants are too busy for a couple of months prior to April 15th.



Naw, there is something truly amiss here.

As a single man I can assure you, I move to meet, as quickly as the Lady is willing. Even when she is "out of town"! And I have traveled out of town to meet women, too!

If he works in retail, he could have met her during a coffee break by his store.

If he was an tax master, same thing.

There simply isn't an excuse for a single man not to want to meet.

Now if they had met, and he was saying he could not go out to dinner right now, due to his schedule, then ... Retail or Tax could be valid reasons.

But a first meet? Just no way!

I am thinking Dark Steven's earlier post, is closer to the truth!




< Message edited by seekingOwnertoo -- 1/1/2012 8:01:55 AM >

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: ve not met him yet. - 1/1/2012 8:21:20 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Except that they are supposed to meet in a couple of days. So he isn't putting it off forever. Hell, for all we know she may meet him tomorrow, and have an even better response than she's dreamed off.

He may also not have pushed her to meet because she was skittish and he didn't want to scare her off. We don't have enough info from either side.

Now she's decided that he's a stalker or something and she's looking for an excuse not to meet. When the truth is probably that she's the one giving him the mixed signals. Because what she's telling us keeps flipflopping from mad love to running away in fear.

Bree:
Go get a cup of coffee with the fellow and see if the online feelings transfer over to real life. If they do, and sometimes they do, then that's wonderful. If they don't, you've learned more about yourself, which is also a good thing.

But how you can have decided that this is now a horrible mess when it's exactly the same situation as everyone loving each other last week, I haven't figured out. It sounds like you're the one who is afraid to meet.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to seekingOwnertoo)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: ve not met him yet. - 1/1/2012 8:45:40 AM   
seekingOwnertoo


Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Except that they are supposed to meet in a couple of days. So he isn't putting it off forever. Hell, for all we know she may meet him tomorrow, and have an even better response than she's dreamed off.

He may also not have pushed her to meet because she was skittish and he didn't want to scare her off. We don't have enough info from either side.

Now she's decided that he's a stalker or something and she's looking for an excuse not to meet. When the truth is probably that she's the one giving him the mixed signals. Because what she's telling us keeps flipflopping from mad love to running away in fear.

Bree:
Go get a cup of coffee with the fellow and see if the online feelings transfer over to real life. If they do, and sometimes they do, then that's wonderful. If they don't, you've learned more about yourself, which is also a good thing.

But how you can have decided that this is now a horrible mess when it's exactly the same situation as everyone loving each other last week, I haven't figured out. It sounds like you're the one who is afraid to meet.




Good points! I did not think of the "he didn't want to scare her off" aspect ... but that IS A VALID reason! LOL

Bree, DesFIP is correct, go get a cup of coffee; and see if the online feelings transfer over. That is the only solution to your dilemma!








< Message edited by seekingOwnertoo -- 1/1/2012 8:59:43 AM >

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: ve not met him yet. - 1/1/2012 6:01:06 PM   
Firebirdseeking


Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline 		I am concerned at the lack of appropriate boundaries you are exhibiting. To say someone "own" you, without your having as much as had a cup of coffee with him, gives the message that you are either very young, not thinking with your brains, or that you are desperate for attention..think, girl! are these the messages you want to be giving - even if you ARE a sub? being a sub does not mean you hand yourself over to someone you dont know.

(in reply to Bree11)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: ve not met him yet. - 1/13/2012 1:55:59 PM   
Bree11


Posts: 9
Joined: 11/16/2011
Status: offline 		Well to update, I have met him and we actually are pretty compatible in vanilla. I am still learning a lot about this lifestyle and he respects that. I also found that he is an only child and pretty much is spoiled. I have not consented to giving myself to him as of yet, but in his head its a done deal I just need to accept it. LOL. Due to the holidays we both were busy but now that things have gotten to normal I actually see this person twice a week. I feel a lot more comfortable around him. Each time we have met after our first someone that he has spoken with via SKYPE has gone with us. Kinda like an awkward double date. I want to thank all for their thoughts. Communication is such a big thing here and I just needed to follow through on what I was afraid to do. I will continue to "date" this Dom and if things stay in a positive light that's great. Just stumbling along the way, but still learning. 

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: ve not met him yet. - 1/13/2012 2:15:16 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bree11

Each time we have met after our first someone that he has spoken with via SKYPE has gone with us. Kinda like an awkward double date.

What's up with that? And what's the relationship between them?


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Bree11)
Profile   Post #: 60
Page:   <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: ve not met him yet. Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109