Calandra
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Joined: 11/22/2004
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I wrote this article a while ago and posted it on another forum... it's long, but if people don't wanna read it, scroll past ~grins~
When we speak of training in the D/s lifestyle, usually only a few things come to mind, most of them sexual. When we limit our concepts like this, we miss out on opportunities to help ourselves and our partners grow. There are so many possible types and styles of training I couldn't begin to list them all. And they can come from different sources as well. There can be training in certain psychological areas, activity based training, etiquette training, you name it.
Training For The Submissive
Let's say I am a Mistress who also entertains a lot within the vanilla world (career, huge family, whatever). I might instruct my slave to take courses at the local college in cooking, flower arranging, calligraphy, you name it, just to expand the slave's skills in doing something that I already expect him/her to do.
I might also wish that he/she be a well rounded individual, who furthers his/her education in areas of the arts, history, politics so that he/she may be more capable of making that ongoing consent as my happy, healthy, well-rounded slave forevermore. (I remember buying a "US Government for Dummies" book for cubby not long ago and insisting that he read it cover to cover, turning in a synopsis of each chapter to ensure that he was grasping it. My next assignment was that he be prepared to vote. I didn't care who he voted for, only that he be able to tell me WHY he chose the candidate he did.) Insisting that a slave read the daily paper if nothing else, keeps them current with events in the world, and they are better conversationalists when we want companionship. It becomes a win-win situation for both of us.
My cubby wishes to resume his study of martial arts - a subject he holds great interest in, and one that could benefit he and I because of his increased ability to focus, his heightened ability to provide protection for me and his family, *and* the natural benefits of keeping his body toned and in better shape. I know of some subs that are required to take yoga, aerobics, or simply keep a regularly scheduled walk every day. "A healthy sub is a happy one."
I have a love of "position training". I confess it is not the position itself that I love, rather the graceful transition from one position into another. I have seen an awkward, even overweight submissive begin position training dreading every movement, due to self-consciousness. That same person, two weeks later actually looks forward to their sessions because with simple guidance about shifting body weight, and holding entire series of muscles taut and firm, they are able to assume positions they never thought they could. They gain control over their body in ways they never had before. I have trained mine as well as other dominant's sub/slaves in this manner for years.
You submissive types... Do you hate sports, but find that Master tunes you out and tunes into Monday Night Football? Instead of growing resentful and possibly acting out, start reading the sports page regardless of whether you understand or enjoy it. If you don't understand something, no problem, research it, or (here's a scary one) ASK your Master! The surprise on his face will be priceless, and he should be flattered that you are trying to broaden your mind to accept something he loves.
Years ago I worked on one of those 976 sex hotlines. My call times were almost twice the room average (the room had 100 girls on any given night, and call length was often 6-7 minutes out of a possible 15 - mine were routinely 12-14 minutes). I was often asked to train girls as they were hired. Imagine their confusion and dismay when I would get the guy talking and we'd discuss sports, politics, etc. Time would completely slip away from us and they'd often call back repeatedly just to continue our conversation. I discovered two things on that job, 1.)When men are lonely, they resort to sexual release, and 2.) Men LOVE a woman who can get excited about the things they really enjoy. By reading the newspaper, I was prepared with new and updated topics every day. That works in D/s as well. Always prepare yourself to be His/Her companion FIRST and you will be dear to His/Her heart.
Another great way to increase knowledge and togetherness is to read aloud. I don't care if it's poetry or Harry Potter, reading out loud offers a mental journey that you can both travel together. Whenever we go on road trips I don't suffer from motion sickness and I love to read, so I get elected to read out loud. Choosing which book we are going to take is now a tradition that everyone, (even the 9 yr old) looks forward to. They recently bought Me those "tap lights" so I can hold it close to the page in the dark and not get a ticket for using the map light anymore... ~chuckles~
I love world history. I love movies like Elizabeth, Troy, El Cid, and so forth, because they make the past come alive in ways I can relate to. I will plan to watch "The Last Emperor" one night, and will have only Chinese food for dinner, maybe play Chinese music in the background, and then we're emotionally ready to absorb the movie when the lights go down. Try learning to sew, and surprise Master/Mistress with a costume for the period you are studying.
Training By a Third Party
Perhaps there is a BDSM activity/skill that both Dom/sub desire, but it is likely to bring negative feelings to the surface. Sometimes a Trainer can be brought in to perform the training with the sub. This alleviates the negative backlash between the original couple (especially important for those closet couples who must lead a highly visible vanilla lifestyle on the surface).For example: Do you want your girl to receive anal training? Does she desire someday to receive your full width, length, girth? Anal training can be accomplished through a trusted third party without the trainer ever personally penetrating the sub. The sub can be taught how to administer a safe cleansing enema. She can be instructed to use various plugs and devices on herself with minimal hands on, to help her prepare to open and accept her partner. She can be given relaxation exercises, and mental imagery. All of this can be done within a safe environment between Trainer/charge, without the added baggage of relationship issues that would normally result. Without training, there can be pain. The sacred moment when a Master takes His girls ass the very first time can be charged with huge emotional and physical issues. How sad when the scene is unsuccessful and both are left feeling responsible for failing the other!
Training as a Dominant
I mentioned getting the US Government for Dummies for cubby. Those books are unbelievable! They can consolidate a huge amount of available knowledge into an easily understood (and often enjoyable) read. You dominants who worry that your sub will someday outgrow you? Don't let that happen! Find a topic YOU enjoy, select a book on the subject and read it first... THEN assign it to him/her. You'll find that as his/her mind opens to the subject, so will their appreciation for you because you made it available to them. If the subject merits more study, send them on their own research assignments and have them return to you with information they have discovered that maybe you hadn't... In this way, you've found something you can enjoy together.
cubby loves anything oriental. One day I plan to learn to handle a sword better, so I might construct a scene that will make him cum and THEN get hard... ~giggles~ Knives and swords are a trigger for him anyway, I'll probably need a network of friends to help Me with the aftercare on that one.
My point is, learning can be fun. and learning as a couple/family can offer new avenues to intimacy that might not have ever been there if you hadn't opened your mind to the possibilities.
I have heard it said that a great Dominant always knows how a toy feels on His/Her own body before using it on someone else. I would agree in most cases, especially for those who haven't been practicing within the lifestyle at least five years. There are techniques specifically designed for one flogger and not another. Enema enthusiasts learn quickly that the difference between a "safe" enema and an "unsafe" one may depend upon a 1/2 tsp of salt, one ingredient, or a few degrees of temperature. You don't get this kind of knowledge as easily from a book as you do from a qualified fellow dominant that is willing to show you. In my opinion, a responsible dominant will seek knowledge at every turn and will yield to the experience and advice of someone older, wiser, etc. so long as He/She finds that person trustworthy.
I have an experience to share that illustrates this concept so well. Several years ago, I became acquainted with a fledgling dom who was hungry to know everything (NOW DAMMIT). We've all met them. The dom who runs out, buys the leather pants and some trendy shirt, who quickly buys toys to hang from His belt and who sends His most dazzling smile to every lady who enters the room? Welllll this one also tended to hunger for knowledge from the dominants in the crowd as well. He was full of questions at every turn, and even more ready with follow up questions. After knowing him perhaps six months, I invited him to a small gathering in my home and one of the things we did in my dungeon that night was fireplay. I simply did a fireplay scene with the comment that if someone wished to try this at home, I'd be happy to teach them how to do it safely.
A week later, (honest to God) I was entertaining in my home again (had two dungeon rooms open that night) A friend pulled Me frantically to the other dungeon and there was this fledgling, standing over a girl who was covered in wax, about to pour alcohol onto her and set her on fire!!! He'd claimed that I'd trained him and based on the girl's trust of My safety procedures, she'd willingly agreed to the scene... ~WHEW!~
Apparently this guy had been pumping everyone in our area for info on our "flashiest" scenes, and had built quite a repertoire with unsuspecting subbies who didn't think to call me up and actually *check* His use of me as a reference. (People, don't just ASK for references... CHECK them?)
I guess what I'm saying is YES a dom needs training sometimes too... We're not all born with a mental diagram of the human anatomy, a list of fifteen knots and their proper usage, and an understanding of physics. Some skills can be built out of common sense, but many skills need the guidance of someone who is qualified to teach. Be discerning, use common sense, and if at all possible ASK for help.
As to the question of whether a dom needs training as a submissive? I would word it differently. I would say that some dominants should spend some time as a "bottom" just to know what the experience is like. I don't suggest that doms "be taken down a peg or two", only that they experience some of what they dish out, if it will help them to fully understand and appreciate what their beloveds offer up so willingly to them.
In Closing
The concept of education is one that is near and dear to my heart. The day I stop learning will be the day I stop breathing, I think. Just the act of taking in knowledge is a joy to me because knowledge is power. In a lifestyle of "power exchange" I'd think that would be important to people, but far, far too many people feel uneducated, unrefined, awkward, and shy away from those people who could become their greatest asset.
Throughout all of history, I have learned one thing. The poor and oppressed were ALWAYS kept ignorant. Education was not offered, nay it was refused to those who might realize there is something better out there and reach for it. We take reading and writing for granted, but hundreds of generations were never allowed to read.
When we discuss power exchange, I think of the typical "oppressed submissive" and realize that he/she rarely has opportunity to read anything that might elevate his/her thinking. She/he is rarely encouraged to develop new interests, and is almost always discouraged from having friends or family as a support system. When I see a sub that is isolated, and kept in the dark, I get concerned and observe closely until I can discern whether this is "role play" or reality. If it's reality, I have been known to act on the behalf of the sub in more than one instance.
Question for the forum: What are some other possible areas of study/training that you might suggest for people who find themselves in a slump?
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Training as the focus - 
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