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njlauren -> RE: What should I tell my girlfriend (1/2/2012 7:41:01 AM)
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Having been in the position you are in now, maybe I can offer some perspective (though my story is a bit different). It really depends on who you are and what you are looking for in how you approach this. As others have pointed out, if you can feel good about the relationship as a one way sub i.e where you serve and your sweetie isn't aware, then by all means do what people have suggested, be her loyal servant/protector, play it to the hilt, I don't know too many women or men who would hate to have an attentive mate, who puts their pleasure before their own, etc.
However, it could be you would have a lot better relationship if it was more in the open, if she in some ways could embrace the domme role, to whatever level you feel comfortable with. If you really love this girl, then you could be denying her something very special, and almost fairy-tale like relationship, "The Queen and her servant", etc.
One way to handle this is educate her on what this is all about. Maybe find reference to a news article, and use that as a wedge opening the door to start talking about it. If it comes up and then she asks something like "is this something you have ever thought about" you could admit that the idea of serving the one you love, of making her the focus and finding ways to express that is important to you. Depending on her reaction, there is a lot of information out there, greenery press has some books that are desgined to help this journey (the Mistress manual is one that comes to mind), and you never know what will happen. If she seems to not be interested, then tell her it is just a fantasy of yours, NBD and leave it at that (though don't be surprised if mysteriously she talks about it again). It often takes people time to process things, women IMO seem wired that way, whereas guys tend to be either "fuck, yeah" or "you have to fucking be kidding me, no"":).
Couple of points with this:
-If you are going to talk about it, go slow, talk about the emotional points, about what this means, and especially that you aren't some wimp or 'lowly worm' looking to be humiliated (even if you are, don't talk about it), but rather someone who loves and respects their partner enough to want to shift the power dynamic. Give her an idea of what you mean, for example, that you would be honored that when you go out on a date, for her to decide most of the time where to go out, or what to have for dinner, or if she has drycleaning you would be only too glad to do it (you get the drift)..it is about love and sharing.
-Stress the fact that it isn't one way, that you get as much out of this as she will, that it isn't, to quote a common expression, somehow "her doing you" or in effect her having to totally take charge of you, which is not what a lot of women may want to hear when being introduced to it. One of the nice parts about any kind of d/s-ey relationship is it can play out with that below the covers, so to speak, to the outside world when they see an attentive spouse, one who opens doors, seats the partner, listens to them, etc, etc, others look and see 'what a nice thing to see' (and if in a fully blown d/s, it can be a kind of trip to have people react like that IME, it is pretty hot to sit and think "if they only knew my mistress is busy torturing my cock with a shocker right this moment" or whatever).
-If you decide to talk about more bd/sm stuff (and that may not be your scene), then take it very, very slow, explain this isn't some 'sadist' ripping a bottom apart who they hate, it isn't contemptful dommes and doms ripping their partners apart..and that the play is really about sensations, that pain is stubbing your toe at 2am going to the bathroom, that play is about sensations and so forth, and it doesn't necessarily mean whips and chains. My thought and experience is it takes a lot more talking and learning before getting anywhere near any kind of exploration.
And yes, it can happen, it happened in my own life, someone I thought was as vanilla as they come turned out to take to it like a duck to water (before then all my play experience had been with pro dommes).....I had a lot of learning to do as well, it is very different playing with a pro domme or de facto pretending to submit then really doing it (I am not blasting pro dommes or their skills here, simply saying when you have a paid session it has a lot of the 'pay to play' to it, I.E most customers are in one way or the other 'topping from the bottom'.
There are also some good documentaries out there on bd/sm, wouldn't be surprised if Netflix has stuff like that.
The big thing here is communicating what you are looking for, it is finding your needs and seeing how compatible your sweetie is and it is also about dispelling myths that freak people out. Jerry Springer and the like have done more damage to bd/sm then the religious right, they frankly have on scary people who fit every stereotype of twisted losers so it takes a lot to make sure someone realizes this is people expressing relationships in a different way.
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