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Lost Trust - 1/4/2012 3:20:41 PM   
Luxara


Posts: 4
Joined: 6/8/2009
Status: offline 		Within the past week, a series of events involving my Dom and me has led to me feeling hurt and betrayed. While the things that happened were clearly not his intention (either because he felt he was unable to influence them or because he did not expect them to hurt me) and were not exactly big changes or anything, I wasn't able to just put them behind me.
As a result of these events, I've started to become rather aggressive towards him, any submissive or masochistic notions gone for most of the time while I alternate between being sad and hurt and being angry. Also, I've sort of lost trust in him to protect me or be there for me and keep expecting the worst to happen.
I'm wondering if anyone experienced something similar and if anyone maybe has ideas on how to get past this, except waiting for it to pass.
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RE: Lost Trust - 1/4/2012 3:24:39 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		So, it was something he had no influence over and something that he wasn't aware would hurt you.....

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RE: Lost Trust - 1/4/2012 3:30:35 PM   
fragilepieces


Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline
quote:

. While the things that happened were clearly not his intention (either because he felt he was unable to influence them or because he did not expect them to hurt me) and were not exactly big changes or anything,
this is confusing---can you explain it better because as it sounds right now it sounds like he is back pedaling to shift the blame off himself---

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Me to Daddy: Now you'll think I'm a weirdo
Him: I love you BECAUSE you ARE a weirdo.

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RE: Lost Trust - 1/4/2012 3:34:46 PM   
Luxara


Posts: 4
Joined: 6/8/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fragilepieces

quote:

. While the things that happened were clearly not his intention (either because he felt he was unable to influence them or because he did not expect them to hurt me) and were not exactly big changes or anything,
this is confusing---can you explain it better because as it sounds right now it sounds like he is back pedaling to shift the blame off himself---


He played with someone else, which should have been okay since we had agreed such things could happen, but I ended up being hurt after seeing him and "the other woman" (it happened at a party). While it might not have been the ideal location to try something like that, it wasn't his fault and he didn't expect it to hurt me. After this had happened, he had to cancel some arrangements for meeting we had made (because of something else), which also happened at a bad time considering I wasn't feeling too great.

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RE: Lost Trust - 1/4/2012 4:12:48 PM   
fragilepieces


Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Luxara


quote:

ORIGINAL: fragilepieces

quote:

. While the things that happened were clearly not his intention (either because he felt he was unable to influence them or because he did not expect them to hurt me) and were not exactly big changes or anything,
this is confusing---can you explain it better because as it sounds right now it sounds like he is back pedaling to shift the blame off himself---


He played with someone else, which should have been okay since we had agreed such things could happen, but I ended up being hurt after seeing him and "the other woman" (it happened at a party). While it might not have been the ideal location to try something like that, it wasn't his fault and he didn't expect it to hurt me. After this had happened, he had to cancel some arrangements for meeting we had made (because of something else), which also happened at a bad time considering I wasn't feeling too great.

That helps thank you. Okay you are probably going to hear a lot of you agreed to it BUT---agreeing to something you have never experienced before can have negative results...I agreed to that once and I agreed at the time because I truly loved him, knew that he wanted it and there was nothing I would not agree to for him and you know what it hurt like hell. I still wanted him to be happy and be able to play with others but it still hurt me really deeply and we fought ALOT and he held it over my head that I agreed---he even had the shit in writing. I felt just as you do--hurt, angry, depressed. The result was that the relationship dissolved and it was a live in long term relationship. The longest relationship I had. (note there were other issues too not just that)

Anyways that was a long time ago and I never did just hang it up and say that I was never going to be with a man who wanted to be with others---most men kinda like the idea of more than one---maybe it's an ego booster or whatever. Most every man I have ever been with---played with others besides me...but I have ground rules...I make damn sure that I am extremely secure in my relationship---if I don't feel security I hesitate with my feelings...if I feel that security I know that no matter who he plays with or who he decides might join us (if he were poly) she would not be able to take my place because I am an individual and I am important to him. No matter what this other girl may do or who she is---she can never ever be me. The second rule I have is that he must tell me and not sneak around---most of the time---I don't want details---but on occasion I might want to join in. And the last ground rule is I know it is okay to feel jealous, feel upset....whatever and It's perfectly okay to say I felt jealous I felt hurt about it---I sort of think it's normal and if I feel it acknowledge it and let it go---it works better. Communication and honesty are so important whether is be him telling me or me expressing my feelings.

Good luck I hope things work out.

_____________________________

Me to Daddy: Now you'll think I'm a weirdo
Him: I love you BECAUSE you ARE a weirdo.

(in reply to Luxara)
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RE: Lost Trust - 1/4/2012 5:04:11 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Luxara

He played with someone else, which should have been okay since we had agreed such things could happen, but I ended up being hurt after seeing him and "the other woman"
Okay, so you agreed and didn't realize it would upset you. He didn't hurt you. It was not emotional damage inflicted on you by him, it's your emotional reaction to something you said was okay. Basically buyers remorse.

quote:

After this had happened, he had to cancel some arrangements for meeting we had made (because of something else), which also happened at a bad time considering I wasn't feeling too great.
So, your view is that he should drop everything else because it wasn't a good time for you.

I can understand getting an emotional reaction that you weren't expecting. But, the reality is you're holding him responsible for something that you said was okay. That's not his fault. So, your "lost trust" doesn't really have anything to do with him because he hasn't done anything that betrayed you.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Luxara)
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RE: Lost Trust - 1/4/2012 6:07:16 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		I think journaling might help you get past this. It will give you a safe place to express your anger and a place to sort through your feelings while you gain perspective.

Your feelings are important but you need to understand that he did not cause you to feel this way.

You got jealous.
Seeing him with someone else likely caused you to feel unexpectedly afraid of losing him.

When you are feeling calmer, it would be a good time to explain how you felt... not you made me feel... but when you did X, I felt Y.



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(in reply to Luxara)
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RE: Lost Trust - 1/4/2012 6:15:48 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Figure out what you need from him now in order to process this, and see if he'll agree and give you what you need.

And next time, don't allow someone to pressure you into accepting an open relationship if you know you're monogamous.


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Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Lost Trust - 1/4/2012 8:33:14 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: Luxara

He played with someone else, which should have been okay since we had agreed such things could happen, but I ended up being hurt after seeing him and "the other woman"
Okay, so you agreed and didn't realize it would upset you. He didn't hurt you. It was not emotional damage inflicted on you by him, it's your emotional reaction to something you said was okay. Basically buyers remorse.

quote:

After this had happened, he had to cancel some arrangements for meeting we had made (because of something else), which also happened at a bad time considering I wasn't feeling too great.
So, your view is that he should drop everything else because it wasn't a good time for you.

I can understand getting an emotional reaction that you weren't expecting. But, the reality is you're holding him responsible for something that you said was okay. That's not his fault. So, your "lost trust" doesn't really have anything to do with him because he hasn't done anything that betrayed you.



Bingo.
It's pretty normal to have a different reaction to something than what you thought, it's ok that this happened. He was going on what your agreement was though. Take some time and work things out with him, it seems like he's willing. There isn't, I don't think, a short cut to healing things except taking the time and making the effort to do so.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: Lost Trust - 1/4/2012 9:27:57 PM   
Zechriel


Posts: 308
Joined: 11/19/2007
Status: offline 		Good evening!

Sounds like you just reacted different than you thought you would..perfectly normal though you might want to vent in a notebook just to get it out and work through it. If you agreed to it, you might have to work through it. Depends on how far you want your Dom and your relationship to go. Take care!

Love,
Zechriel

(in reply to lizi)
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RE: Lost Trust - 1/5/2012 3:04:53 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Luxara
He played with someone else, which should have been okay since we had agreed such things could happen, but I ended up being hurt after seeing him and "the other woman" (it happened at a party). While it might not have been the ideal location to try something like that, it wasn't his fault and he didn't expect it to hurt me. After this had happened, he had to cancel some arrangements for meeting we had made (because of something else), which also happened at a bad time considering I wasn't feeling too great.


I think part of the problem is the way that you are processing this. You have described this event as lost trust, now that is a big deal, it can be very hard to get back broken trust it really can but that is not what has happened here. What is happened here is that you have had a bad reaction to something you thought you would be ok with, at least that is what I am assuming I am not thinking that he pressured you into it or anything like that but I may of course be wrong.

There is a book I read once about being in control of our emotions, and this is a case where that is completely true. The definition of the emotions is ours and here you are using some rather dramatic terms, betrayal was one and obviously loss of trust. Of course if that is how you choose to label how you are feeling now then that is fine but in reality he hasn't made you feel those things. Instead hurt is a  nice vague one, that hurt is possibly confusing because it does not have a direction.

You need to process this, firstly it is not something that needs balme but it needs action so you need to talk to your partner and explain that it is not something that you can see again, that you need monogomy you did not know how you would react and now you do. Explain that it will take you a while to process things, however the more that you realise that these are your emotions not his the easier it will be to stop blaming him and acting in a contrary way.

Good Luck.


_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to Luxara)
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RE: Lost Trust - 1/5/2012 3:12:59 AM   
fragilepieces


Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline
quote:

explain that it is not something that you can see again, that you need monogomy you did not know how you would react and now you do.
Lilly, maybe it's not something she can handle again but maybe she can---maybe for her it's ok as long as she does not see it, maybe it's okay if it is in a private setting...I agree that she must speak to her partner and explain her feelings about the whole thing.

_____________________________

Me to Daddy: Now you'll think I'm a weirdo
Him: I love you BECAUSE you ARE a weirdo.

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Lost Trust - 1/5/2012 3:47:42 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fragilepieces

quote:

explain that it is not something that you can see again, that you need monogomy you did not know how you would react and now you do.
Lilly, maybe it's not something she can handle again but maybe she can---maybe for her it's ok as long as she does not see it, maybe it's okay if it is in a private setting...I agree that she must speak to her partner and explain her feelings about the whole thing.


You may of course be right, that would be a good piece of advice actually, to sit down and ask herself what actually upset her, if it was the location or the girl or the act or whatever and see if there is a way around it.

Thing is though, its that word handle, so something she may be able to cope with but wont be happy about? I don't know the ins and outs of the relationship nor how important it is to her partner so that would be something else I would talk about.


_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to fragilepieces)
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RE: Lost Trust - 1/5/2012 5:50:27 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		This is a life lesson for you called OWNING YOUR FEELINGS. Also known a a hidden emotional landmine. Your poor guy did something that you had a strong negative reaction to. Its your job to look inside yourself and figure out what happened. Chances are you agreed to something you were not ready to agree to which is your issue to deal with. Perhaps she had some trait you feel.insecure about, thinner, taller, bigger tits, whatever. Again, that insecurity is yours to deal with.

As a partner, your reaction wasnt his fault. However, it is a chance to build connection to stop and reasure a partner that things are okay, that they matter to you. Its his job to decide if you have to much unresolved issues to continue and yours to decide if his support of your meltdown was up to your standards. Its a good idea to talk about your ecpecyations in a clear and non blaming way. As in...

Gee honey, sorry I got all freaky and wasnt okay with somethong I said wouldnt bother me but when I melt down like that, it would mean so much to me if you could do X for me.

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)
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RE: Lost Trust - 1/5/2012 8:08:29 AM   
Duskypearls


Posts: 3561
Joined: 8/21/2011
Status: offline 		I must say, I am so impressed by the wise responses, and sage advice given here, showing how emotionally mature you folks are. Like you, I am of the camp that believes in owning one's feelings, pleasant or unpleasant, expected or otherwise, and not foisting responsibility for them upon the one who triggered them.

Three cheers for you all!

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: Lost Trust - 1/5/2012 11:27:29 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		I agree that there is some good and positive advice going on here.
I look back and shudder at Steves first interaction with another female. Our relationship was a fledgling one at the time and although I thought I trusted him, I hadn't yet reached a stage of trusting my own emotions for him. Our relationship is one of Dom/Domme and we had both set out looking for a submissive but somehow ended up together. Watching him that night playing with a younger and cuter woman than me was tough, especially knowing that she had something he wanted and that I couldn't give him. I remember acting all cool and chilled yet feeling like I wanted to collapse in a pathetic heap. Days later I felt anger towards them both, even though she was now long gone. I hated her and I resented him.
Years later we are married and living a great poly lifestyle. My husband is head over heels with another woman and I see how much energy she brings to our relationship. I know that he isn't going anywhere and that our relationship couldn't be stronger. I do understand why I felt like I did back then. The relationship was just too young and vulnerable.
Talking things through is the best way forward. Silent or stroppy moods are about the worst thing you can bring into your relationship. You don't owe him your submissiveness when you are feeling like this but what you do owe him is honesty of how all this made you feel. The chances are, he is feeling very uncertain and vulnerable about what your going to do and he is probably blaming himself for not reading between the lines.

(in reply to Duskypearls)
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RE: Lost Trust - 1/5/2012 2:56:29 PM   
Fornica


Posts: 2986
Status: offline 		Have you talked to him about it and told him how you feel, or is that part of your dynamic?
Is there a reason he didn't talk to you about it before he did it (the playing?)?

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There is no spoon.


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RE: Lost Trust - 1/5/2012 3:54:27 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

And next time, don't allow someone to pressure you into accepting an open relationship if you know you're monogamous.


This, or posthaste get The Ethical Slut and read the Jealousy and Conflict chapters.

Start reading Ethical Slut on your Kindle in under a minute :)

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Lost Trust - 1/5/2012 7:43:07 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		It's a useful book but I don't agree that it will turn a monogamous person into someone happy in a poly and/or open relationship. There's nothing wrong in saying "this is who I am, this is what I need. If you need something different then we just aren't sufficiently compatible". No blame, just self awareness.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Lost Trust - 1/5/2012 10:11:07 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Did you lose trust in him, or did you lose trust in yourself?

I'm all about owning your emotions.  And I also understand about agreeing to trying something new and then reacting very badly to it.  I've had such an experience very recently, in fact.  He may be just as surprised as you are by your reactions.  He may be struggling with some trust issues with you, himself.  He's probably a bit confused because of this, as well.

So, talk to each other - civilly and lovingly.  Do not expect him to be omniscient.  He only knows what you tell him about yourself.  Figure out, together, if you want this relationship and what you need to do to move forward, together.  Forgive him, and forgive yourself.  And ask him if he'll agree to put "playing with others" off the table until you feel with certainty that your relationship is stable again.




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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to Luxara)
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