WolfinShadow
Posts: 27
Joined: 11/13/2005
From: twin cities Minnesota
Status: offline
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Trust is a funny thing , we all want it but most of us dont want to give it . and its not a problem of BDSM either its a problem of life , You discribed the beginning of your relationship and the things that were half truths or things left unsaid ,this is not a novel experience . When I council couples with relationship issues < I am also a Minister> I tell people about an issue not only in BDSM relationships but all relationships. the duel issues of infatuation and what I call " the representitive" read through that drivel LOL and I will get to trust.
Infatuation is that glorious period in a relationship where your constantly think of the other person , get butterfly's at the thought of seeing them , want to spend all your time with this person. In this state ANYTHING is wonderful. From gassing up their car to washing their cloths < doesn't she have the cutest underwear!> it is in this state that most relationships start . Its heady its intoxicating.... it ends Yes I said it ends. we are human and like most humans the truth is we get bored , the Newness fades , we start to see the other for the person they are not the person we imagine them to be. and here is where things get messy. It is how you deal with the relationship AFTER the infatuation wears off that makes the relationship , that earlier heady time of love and laughter becomes a pleasant memory and for most people life replaces it , Work , family , children , commitment all become what they always were .... a focus in life. You start to forget to do those little things that were once so important . That long kiss goodbye , meeting for a quiet lunch , bringing little gifts . The focus returns to your life and not your life partner. People grow apart... and relationships end because one or the other , at times both, feel disconnected. Feel like the other is just going through the motions , and sometimes ... they are. It doesn't have to go that way , Not if you Understand that the infatuation will end and right away begin to build an actual relationship , Some people would say a friendship , I disagree there because of personal experience , I spent 18 years in a " friendship" and though it was Nice and comfortable it did not have the volatility of " Romantic Love" My first wife and I rarely fought , we were seldom jealous. and in a warped way we had an Open relationship, something like the Military's policy of don't ask don't tell . Did it work .. well yes , But it left both feeling unfulfilled. Now My Current relationship LOL Now THATS volatile! we argue , we fight , we get jealous ... yes I get jealous!!! so what's the difference between this relationship and the last? we work very hard , through the haze of sick relatives and soccer games , raising children and paying bills to keep that fire of infatuation burning , even if its just embers. Speaking for myself I make an effort every day to do little things that make my mates life easier , more fun . I do romantic things and buy little presents, But more than that I try to show my desire for my mate. Not in Words , You can say " i Love you" too much you know , when a back rub or a good scritch , a soft caress or a look can say so much more. When the infatuation burns down to a comfortable glow you need to know how to fan the flames ... and once and awhile ::smile:: those embers Flare into a full blown Bonfire. It sounds easy , its not believe me , you have to work through A lot to keep it going , But I can say this , after 8 years neither I or my Mate have a desire to venture out Alone , we want to be together , we have been side by side for 8 years now and I still feel that loneliness when she has to go someplace without me , I think She feels the same also . But she would have to answer that herself , Don't get me wrong here , everyone needs " Alone time" or the tension becomes too much. But with us its more an evening alone in the bedroom reading a book than a wild night on the town with friends. " the representative" One of the Biggest pitfalls to a Lasting relationship is that point where your with the person, not their representative. Let me explain. when you meet a person you rarely if at all meet the person themselves . You meet their representative. You meet the person they want you to see. You get all their best manners and quality's , their utmost attention and courtesy. Because they want to endear , impress , put their best foot forward. Trouble is that's not the real them!! They don't get crabby , they don't fart , they don't yell obscenity's at the people who cant merge on the highways. they always call on time and show up in their best cloths for dinner. in other words, they are what you want them to be. this includes not telling you they are not over thier Ex or that they Cheat. Nothing wrong with that , we all want to make a good impression, But you have to understand that takes a huge amount of work , and like any work they will need a vacation . eventually they will be who they are . What I usually gauge that moment by is the first time you hear a toot in bed or while watching tv , Nothing says , " I like you and i am comfortable enough with you" than a good fart! Its sort of like the starting bell that tells you " ok this is the REAL them" and you start to get to know each other. And we all Fart !! believe me! Then SIGH , there is trust , trouble with trust is that trust follows truth , and Most people dont even really want to hear the truth. its like when your mate asks if an outfit makes them look fat , the truth is its not the outfit , its their body! But if you say that you will get lynched so everyone colors the truth . You dont tell people what you really think aout things because you dont want to hurt them , so eventually in a relationship your going to find a lie , a halk truth , something they are keeping from you , Its how you deal with it that counts . In your post you admit to snooping , so essentually You never had the trust you opine about losing in the first place did you? Dont feel bad your not alone , In fact your in the majority here . people just ddont communicate and if they do they Hide things , sometimes not to hurt others , but mostly not to hurt themselves . So heres the answer to your question. You need not worry about regaining trust , You should sit down like other people here have suggested and begin to Build actual trust . This of course will be the hardest and most frightening thing either of you have done , Because in this realm your doing what no one else does , taking the chance of truth. You need to tell Him everything , admit your faults and he needs to do the same. Talk about Everythng from your first kiss to the last time he didnt pick up his underware and how you felt about it . It may work, it might not , One or both of you may bal;k at the honesty I speak of . All I can tell you is that it worked for me and for other people I know , Its hard and you need to be fogiving but its well worth it once you get through the start . Why do I say the start , because you never stop doing it , You never stop communicating and sharing every little feeling. Daunting isnt it LOL. Now about the child , take it fro someone who Knows , children know something is not right . I kow exactly what you mean about it making leaving harder , But in all honesty I feel leaving is the easy , lazy answer , there was something there once and perhaps its worth fighting for? What do you think? But dont lay it off on the kid because eventually you will begin to resent the child for the pain you go through . I cannot advise you knowing only one side and not much of your story but I can say this. If you put in the work , If your brutal in your honesty , IF you maintain that communication You will have what few people even have a Hope for . A REAL relationship.
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Wolf
Headmaster Shadow academy
Minnesotas first and only BDSM school
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RE: Trust... how to mend when it is broken - 
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