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Learning Experiences - 5/30/2006 7:17:26 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		We all talk about growth in the lifestyle, how we learn from it in deep and meaningful ways. I was wondering what fellow submissives feel they have learned from the lifestyle, how it has helped you grow. What has taught you more, your dominants, or the experiences you have had with them? If you have had failed relationships with past dominants, what did you learn from these experiences that you took with you to the next relationship? If there are dominants reading this that want to respond about what they have learned, that would be quite a treat too...

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Learning Experiences - 5/30/2006 7:23:40 PM   
cuddleheart50


Posts: 9718
Joined: 2/20/2006
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		I have learned valuable lessons, not to be so niave. From each relationship I've learned to be a stronger person and learn from the mistakes I made.  Every relationship is like a stepping stone, it brings you one step closer to be the best person you can be.

_____________________________

Dance like no one is watching,
Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you've never been hurt
and live like it's heaven on Earth.


(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Learning Experiences - 5/30/2006 7:27:18 PM   
genvieve


Posts: 228
Joined: 5/14/2005
From: SF Bay Area
Status: offline 		i am constantly growing as a person in this lifestyle.  i've learned that not all force is bad.  i've learned how to communicate my thoughts and desires (yes, i've had troubles with it before).  And i'm currently learing when not to communicate my thoughts.  -laughs-

_____________________________

In the quietness of myself, i find myself at the mercy of Your hand.

Musical Wishes Design

(in reply to cuddleheart50)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Learning Experiences - 5/30/2006 7:35:34 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		I found my inner strength and discovered the spiritual being within me through S/m. I learned to accept myself and my true nature by embracing M/s. I found love, life and happiness by allowing myself to be loved, live life and be happy in BDSM.  I'm comfortable in my own skin, I like the person who looks back at me in the mirror.. two things that I didn't really have before the discovery of BDSM.  I've been fortunate to meet a lot of people who shared their knowledge on a lot of different activities.. so all the hours spent practicing knots, experimenting with wax, exploring needle play and things like that are a direct result of living the life I do. I've learned how to serve with grace or get down and dirty and make mud pies to entertain Himself and make him laugh.. and ended up laughing an awful lot myself. I didn't laugh alot before BDSM. Too stressed on getting ahead and forgetting that the inner child can come out and play without losing the gains I've made as an adult.

So much.. so much more that I couldn't list everything. I've now been involved with BDSM longer than I wasn't.. so it's hard to separate what growth has come about simply by living.. and what has come about by living within a BDSM M/s framework. In any event, I wouldn't change a second of it. :)

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Learning Experiences - 5/30/2006 8:51:14 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		The most important thing i've learned is the importance of good communication with the one you love.  Other things i have learned include: how pleasurable pain can be, that this lifestyle is much more widepread than i ever imagined, that even at our age (59/63) we can continue to learn and experiment, and to be more comfortable and confident in discussing sexual matters.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Learning Experiences - 5/30/2006 11:08:01 PM   
Daddysredhead


Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline 		This is my first BDSM relationship which blossomed out of a vanilla friendship.  As I learned about the lifestyle and all the different dimensions, I found a niche that felt comfortable to me.  Master seemed very happy to teach me about it and took things nice and slow, even slower than I wanted at times.  In the end though, He knew best and it has made for a very happy and exciting life for U/us.  I have learned to trust beyond what I ever thought I could.  I have also become much more secure in who I am and have learned to value myself as a person, a woman, a mother, a lover, and a friend.  I feel blessed to have a relationship that flourishes in the exchange, not only of power and control, but the exchange of love and respect - not only for my Master, but for me as well.

_____________________________

Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut


(in reply to proudsub)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Learning Experiences - 5/31/2006 2:47:56 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		I have learnt more from peoples posts and advice in here than i have from my ex Dom's. Perhaps this is only because i have made bad choices in dom's but whatever the reason i have fond hearing varied opinions has made me think on things i thought i was certain on and reevaluate them as well as myself. 

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Learning Experiences - 5/31/2006 6:04:37 AM   
eruditegirl1


Posts: 175
Joined: 5/9/2006
From: Nevada
Status: offline 		Although , I have yet to have a complete D/s relationship....I did become somewhat close to a Dom some distances from me....even though at the time I thought it was negative....I look back now and realize...how fortunate I was to learn from the situation.....for some naive reason....I came into this lifestyle all wide eyed and eager....I just assumed that Doms were similar in the honesty...loyalty...and knowledge....wow...imagine... I figured out they are human too....
Even though the closets thing I have had wasn't the best experience....I am glad it happened....I learned to be more cautious....ask more specific questions....and in hind sight.....I did learn a little more about the lifestyle...even some positive things from him too...
I have always believed that there is no regrets/mistakes as long as you learn from them....it's all in your perspective....and if you choose to see it in anger or light....kind of turns it into a life lesson so to speak....

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Learning Experiences - 5/31/2006 6:33:08 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Other than learning how to crawl without skinning my knees and how to carry things in my mouth well, I really haven't learned anything specifically within M/s that anyone couldn't learn in the vanilla world.

I have learned about myself, I have learned how to help others, I have learned how to ask the right questions, I have learned how to work a healthy poly relationship (which now that I've said this will self-destruct in a week), I have learned that I have more strength than I realize, I have learned that there will always be SOMEONE who isn't happy with my choices, but as long as that person isn't me, I'm ok.

We're all just living life.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Learning Experiences - 5/31/2006 6:52:24 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I have learned that things aren't always about me, that I am not the center of the world, that anger isn't always the perfect response, that I am not always right, and despite the beautiful melodic sound of my voice, others have things of value to say as well.


(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Learning Experiences - 5/31/2006 7:21:56 AM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		Oh my goodness. I'm a vastly different person than I was a year ago. Then again, a year ago I was grossly out of whack in many ways. That's one reason I decided to wander into this world. I knew it was something I needed to do to become a more whole person.
My views of sex and sexuality were pretty skewed. I had a lot of inhibitions and embarassment about sexual issues.

I have a much more healthy view of my sexuality, feminitiy and a better understanding of the power of both. My body image is greatly improved and I have a vastly different perspective of what it is to be sexy and seductive. My entire perspective has changed on an intrinsic level. There were times before that I knew logically that my thinking wasn't right, but I couldn't seem to change my emotional response. For the most part I'm much healthier in that regard.

I'm vastly stronger and more assertive. I no longer have to literally force myself to stand up for myself, it comes naturally now. I care a lot less about hurting someone's feelings or making them angry if it means protecting my own needs.

I'm much less afraid to try new things, to be in new social situations. I'm much less concerned about what others will think of me doing or trying something new. I am much more comfortable socially, less shy and awkward. I'm a lot more confident over all.

I've found I like to feel spoiled and pampered and made to feel special.  

All that and more in less than a year and for the most part it didn't come from any active D/s relationship. It came from hanging out here, chatting, talking, emailing, meetings and friendships. It's been great.

I've tried to learn from everything that's happened. The good, the bad and the in between. That's why I've never pissed and moaned about the players, HNG's or jerks. All have played their part in getting me to a place in my life where I'm much healthier and stronger than I've ever been. So good, bad or ugly they have all played a part and I'm gratetful.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Learning Experiences - 5/31/2006 7:38:13 AM   
lisa1978


Posts: 224
Joined: 5/19/2006
From: Kansas City
Status: offline 		Life is one big classroom.

What I have learned from being a slave...

Focus, self discipline, not to judge people, how to communicate is a positive and productive way, that there are levels of happiness to be obtained by giving another pleasure in various ways and not to care when people try to judge me or feel guilty when I do not behave to society's norms.

What I have learned from my dominants is that I am not a blank slate and knowing yourself and what needs are important is critical to a healthy relationship.


_____________________________

It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.

(in reply to TNstepsout)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Learning Experiences - 5/31/2006 6:24:25 PM   
babysburnin


Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline 		What I have learned, so far, is that the D/s dynamic cuts out much of the BS that vanilla relationships have.  There is not the daily or the topic-related struggle for power.  (Who is going to debate better and therefore have the upper-hand?)

HE has the upper-hand, and I feel for his responsibility - I just get to love...So refreshing....



_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Learning Experiences - 5/31/2006 6:40:59 PM   
babysburnin


Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline 		Then there is the sexual part....  Finally, a Man who takes what he wants, tells me what he wants...no guessing.  The other's had misplaced "respect" for me.  I wanted someone to TAKE me...Now I have that with proper placement of respect.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Learning Experiences - 5/31/2006 7:18:55 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		I've learned that living to uphold a certain reputation at the expense of your personal life and well-being isnt worth it. I've learned to not allow my working life to impinge on my personal relationships.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to babysburnin)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Learning Experiences - 6/1/2006 2:36:52 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		I've also learned how and still learning when to communicate my thoughts.  I am still learning to accept myself and how I am wired.  Like Celeste, I've learned to be more comfortable with myself and with others.  I think we do learn something from every relationship (vanilla or D/s) and bring it to a new one.  Hopefully, most of what we bring is positive.

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Learning Experiences - 6/1/2006 3:16:42 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I've learned deep and meaningful things in every relationship I've had...they've all taught me things about myself and life...I wouldn't say that I've found *the lifestyle* has taught me any more, or that it caused me to grow in ways any more meaningful, than other experiences. For me,  learning is person  related not *lifestyle* related.

agirl





< Message edited by agirl -- 6/1/2006 3:17:37 AM >

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Learning Experiences - 6/1/2006 6:51:56 PM   
Sirandlittle1


Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		Ive learned to 'let go' of the reigns. I achieving this with a lot of evidence on his part, that he can be trusted. That if i let go, the world doesnt fall apart, i am still safe as are those that are mine.
Im amazed at the level of depth 'taking care of me' takes. Never has anyone done so much, so willingly and more importantly, so consistantly.
Because im free to let go, and lean on another for the first time in my life, im now free to learn another side of myself. The vulnerable side. The weaker side.
A side of me that has obviously always been there, just way down deep. Only he, whom i trust more than any other, can free me to be submissive.
The sexual side of submission is easy. Ive always been kinky and able to express what i like in a vanilla world.
The level of honesty required to make our D/s relationship work is something ive learned. White lies to save anothers feelings is a hard habbit ive had to drop. Honesty from him, that has been what id of previously thought of as brutal, is something ive learned to value and return. Although its hard to do, its just soooo much easier in the achieving a better outcome for us both.
little1

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Learning Experiences - 6/2/2006 7:16:11 PM   
mellian


Posts: 211
Joined: 9/6/2004
Status: offline 		I learnt online play and relationship are boring and fake, at times feel stupid. Also learn that the internet crappiest place to meet people for the first time.

-mellian

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 19
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