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Coping with regular separation in ltr... - 1/9/2012 10:06:14 AM

bighappygoth39

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Firstly, I'm mainly posting this to see others opinions and if anyone else has either experienced, or is experiencing the same frustrations. I don't expect any solutions, I just mainly want to see how others have coped with regular separation from their partner/sub/slave.
I've been in a relationship with my partner for two years now, and because of a combination of things(mainly to do with children and distance) we only get to see each other every other weekend. We do get to spend longer times together when I don't have my children around for longer times, of course, but that's not a regular thing.
He does get on great with the children, so that is not an issue. We just feel that we should get to know each other well enough without having the children around for now.
We are both happy not to live together just yet, but we both know that will happen eventually.
My main problem seems to be with the separation, and not having him here under my control. I feel that some things are more play than training, as proper training for certain things can only be done on a daily basis.
I do miss him a great deal, and he does do tasks for me when he's not here, but it seems like we've come to a brick wall with his training on a lot of levels and that frustrates me a lot.
I'm hoping the lovely ladies on here can give me a bit of insight into this.
Am I the only one to get these frustrations, or is it a common thing?

Just to add, it's the first D/s relationship either of us have had.

Thank you for your comments/advice in advance.

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RE: Coping with regular separation in ltr... - 1/9/2012 10:17:23 AM

LadyHibiscus

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I am the queen of long distance relationships!

I think that even when you're together all the time, or at least much of the time, the relationship can hit a plateau. This can be complacency, comfort, boredom, or some other thing entirely. So, it's just a thing that happens to everyone.

I confess that the word "training" has always boggled me some. What do you really mean by that? For me, we have to know each other and be used to each other, and he has to learn my signals, and how I want my coffee. And to not ever ever ever bring me sweet tea or diet pop. All I expect is obedience, and that doesn't have to take a special form. What do you mean by training, and what is it that you find you can't accomplish?

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RE: Coping with regular separation in ltr... - 1/9/2012 10:27:15 AM

bighappygoth39

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When I say training, I mean getting him used to certain regular things. For example, pain. I feel that he can only get used to receiving more pain when he's receiving it on a daily basis. From other threads, I believe things like anal training so I can use dildos on him and enemas would have to be a daily thing as well for us both to be happy with doing it.
You can probably tell I read the forums a lot...

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RE: Coping with regular separation in ltr... - 1/9/2012 10:33:16 AM

LadyHibiscus

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Well yes, masochism takes practice! Honestly, though the anal stuff? Lube and relaxation. Daily enemas, not such a great idea unless it's the little Fleet flushers. (I am of the "it wipes off" school when it comes to bodily effulgences)

That's just playing though, right? And even someone really used to some activity can have a bad day, or find that they are not reacting the same way. The thing to do is just back off it for awhile, and do something else. There's such a vast array of "something else" to choose from, after all!

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RE: Coping with regular separation in ltr... - 1/9/2012 10:42:00 AM

bighappygoth39

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So, it's just the pain thing that needs to be saved for when we're 24/7 in your opinion, then?
(Though I'll still be using a crop on him, biting, scratching, etc, when I do see him, but I'll just see it as play)

I have no intention of using a dildo on him on a daily basis when we are living together, of course, but from what I'd read, it helps more when you use enemas regularly and they wear a plug most of the time if you want to use dildos at least a few times a week. As I've not done this before, I welcome and appreciate any advice, especially from someone who is as experienced as you sound LadyH.
Thank you.

Edited to correct my crap spelling...

< Message edited by bighappygoth39 -- 1/9/2012 10:53:57 AM >

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I just lurrves me chesticles, I do. :)

Don't judge a book by its cover, it could well be worth a good sniff or two...

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RE: Coping with regular separation in ltr... - 1/9/2012 10:45:20 AM

LadyHibiscus

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I am indeed "experienced", LOL!! I was also a pro dominant and believe me, you learn a lot from that about how things work. But we can talk about that on the other side?

Does he do that endorphin thing? If he does, you'll be amazed at what he can take if you ramp him up right. I don't know how sadistic you are, either, it could be your idea of pain isn't the same as mine...

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RE: Coping with regular separation in ltr... - 1/9/2012 11:01:30 AM

bighappygoth39

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Thanks for the advice, and you will have mail very soon.

I'm happy to hear any others' experiences and opinions, though. It looks like I could do with as much advice as I can get.

Come on ladies, don't be shy...

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Don't judge a book by its cover, it could well be worth a good sniff or two...

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RE: Coping with regular separation in ltr... - 1/9/2012 11:16:57 AM

Clickofheels

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I wish to start by saying I am a very TACTILE person...meaning my interest is in tangible things; things that are in front of me that I can touch and feel.
Therefore long distance/online/webcam "relationships" just do not appease a D/s relationship for me.
I don't want to watch someone use a toy on themselves; I want to be the administrator/Controller of that toy. I want to feel a sub physically at my feet, feel his breath against my legs, run my fingers through his hair, feel his hands massage my feet.

BHG? It sounds like you are thinking wisely (re: children and living arrangements) in regard to the tempo your relationship is taking with your submissive. (Smiles)
In regard to play/vs training, I'm guessing the fact that you cannot be together frequently makes the pleasures of play utmost on your minds when you are together?
Very understandable of course.

I know frustrations can occur when life doesn't make it easy to be with your "one" as often as you would like! On the other hand, isn't there that much more excitement and joy when you can be? For those of us who don't have access to our submissives on a daily basis (something that works for me), I find that is where the word "Trust" comes in, and where there is that, there is control.

(As for LadyHib being boggled about what "training" means... I believe training is what you, individually, teach your submissive in order for him to be obedient to you. Personally, I don't find how I take my coffee or the fact that I don't like some kind of soda to be grounds for obedience/disobedience, but the learning of a preference.
On the other hand, if I expect him to act a certain way when we are in public, I will train him how to do that... for that would be a reflection on me as well, and would therefore be grounds for disobedience if done incorrectly.)

Respectfully,
Clickofheels

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RE: Coping with regular separation in ltr... - 1/9/2012 11:17:22 AM

Fornica

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I don't talk about my own personal relationship a whole lot on the forums, (I'm a surprisingly private person ;) ), but I understand, right down to the logistics and children thing.
Message me on the other side and I can share my story with you if you'd like :)

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RE: Coping with regular separation in ltr... - 1/9/2012 11:24:32 AM

bighappygoth39

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Thanks so much Click for that lovely reply. I can totally identify with the whole preferring to have him in front of me thing. What you've described about the feel of his hair, etc, is exactly why I have the frustrations I have. To be honest, I never thought I'd have this problem, which is why I thought I could handle this better...

I will definitely be messaging you Fornica on the other side.
I don't really want to go into too much detail on the forums about my relationship either, so it's great that I can chat to other ladies who understand where I'm coming from.

Thanking you all kindly, and I'll look forward to chatting on the other side and reading any more comments/opinions others have.

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I just lurrves me chesticles, I do. :)

Don't judge a book by its cover, it could well be worth a good sniff or two...

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RE: Coping with regular separation in ltr... - 1/9/2012 11:58:12 AM

bighappygoth39

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Also, to add to what you said Click, the excitement of seeing him again after the separation never fades. I do worry that when we are living together we will have gotten used to feeling that too much, though, and then that could cause problems. I fully intend to make it work, either way, but I'm sure you can see why I get so bloody frustrated and then I get frustrated at being frustrated, lol.
Your comment on the trust coming into play when we're not together was very interesting. We fully trust each other, and I don't think the separation would work at all if we didn't, so that's something, at least. I never saw trust as being part of the control before, though, so thanks for that.

_____________________________

I just lurrves me chesticles, I do. :)

Don't judge a book by its cover, it could well be worth a good sniff or two...

(in reply to Clickofheels)

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RE: Coping with regular separation in ltr... - 1/9/2012 12:07:11 PM

LadyHibiscus

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A big problem with long distance is that the honeymoon period is pretty much all the time...and to me, that's not a good thing. I worked really hard to make sure that a lot of our time together was just TIME, doing whatever.

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RE: Coping with regular separation in ltr... - 1/9/2012 12:31:16 PM

Lockit

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quote:

ORIGINAL: bighappygoth39

Also, to add to what you said Click, the excitement of seeing him again after the separation never fades. I do worry that when we are living together we will have gotten used to feeling that too much, though, and then that could cause problems. I fully intend to make it work, either way, but I'm sure you can see why I get so bloody frustrated and then I get frustrated at being frustrated, lol.
Your comment on the trust coming into play when we're not together was very interesting. We fully trust each other, and I don't think the separation would work at all if we didn't, so that's something, at least. I never saw trust as being part of the control before, though, so thanks for that.

Your first sentence here is why I don't do long distance, even in state. It sure hinders who I can start something with, but... I don't want a mini vacation, honeymoon every weekend. I've had it and I no longer want that. I want a day to day... every day life we can enjoy and share all of life with. I cannot imagine doing long distance for two years. It boggles my mind! So I don't have anything for you, except good wishes and that it will be interesting to see where this thread goes.

I know from my own experience that the weekend thing becomes a performance to some degree and an expectation and I get an attitude about it. When I have done it... there were weekends and he never really knew which... that nothing but vanilla happened and sometimes, not even any sexual at all. So you see... I would be no good at it... not good at it at all!

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RE: Coping with regular separation in ltr... - 1/9/2012 12:55:04 PM

bighappygoth39

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To reply to both Lockit and LadyHibiscus:

I can fully understand why you don't do long distance relationship, and I can fully understand what you mean about the honeymoon period not being good. Unfortunately, I've found out the downsides of this too late.
I'm really not sure that I will be able to handle another two years of this, so I guess I have a lot of thinking to do.

Thank you, ladies.

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I just lurrves me chesticles, I do. :)

Don't judge a book by its cover, it could well be worth a good sniff or two...

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RE: Coping with regular separation in ltr... - 1/9/2012 8:24:16 PM

MistressDarkArt

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BHG, Wayward and I do the semi-long distance thing. He was here nearly the entire month from Thanksgiving through New Year's. Now he has to focus on finding work again so things are in limbo. Potentially, he could leave the state for a contract and be away several months. Is it frustrating? Yes. But he's a great enough guy for me to be willing to roll with it for now. At some point, we'll either establish some kind of balance or decide it's not practical. In the meantime, I'm busy as hell dancing, playing music, keeping fit and enjoying the same life I had before I met him. That includes actively continuing my long-established friendships with S and Cabin Boy.

Long ago I married a navigator who was gone about 60% of the time. It worked beautifully for several years until he stopped going to sea and we had to cohabit like a regular married couple. I found I didn't like him underfoot all the time. To this day I prefer a 'live-out' partner. A duplex would be ideal!

Honestly? I'd LOVE to be in your shoes with every other weekend!

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RE: Coping with regular separation in ltr... - 1/9/2012 8:46:39 PM

LadyHibiscus

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I am all for long distance if it's what there is, BHG! I know the pitfalls, and at least a few workarounds. And I am...patient. :)

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RE: Coping with regular separation in ltr... - 1/9/2012 8:55:24 PM

hausboy

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I've done the long distance thing a few times and on the plus side, it was like a honeymoon phase every time we saw each other. we were usually tearing each other's clothes off in the bus station and I remember getting horny the minute I saw her handwriting on the letters she sent. (I can still picture that handwriting!) Oh. wait. I guess people don't write letters anymore..
I digress.
Anyhow, the issue I had with those long distance relationships was that I never really got to know the person. When we saw each other, we were usually so happy (and horny) to see one another that we didn't get into the more mundane yet deeper facets of the relationship. Two of my long distance girlfriends moved cross country to be with me. One was my top for 2 years....one became my wife and Domme for 14. So if you look at it one way, it did lead to a successful relationship for a period of time.

The tough part is really getting to know someone without the kink aspect. Instead of more play, I'd try spending time with him with less or no play, and that will give you both a better understanding of who the other person really is. Unless you just want the play...in which case.... enjoy yourself and rack up frequent flyer miles.

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RE: Coping with regular separation in ltr... - 1/9/2012 9:07:24 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Skype is our friend. It's much easier to spend time "together" without racking up a hideous long distance bill.

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RE: Coping with regular separation in ltr... - 1/10/2012 8:25:52 AM

bighappygoth39

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quote:

ORIGINAL: hausboy

Instead of more play, I'd try spending time with him with less or no play, and that will give you both a better understanding of who the other person really is. Unless you just want the play...in which case.... enjoy yourself and rack up frequent flyer miles.

Thanks for your reply. I would like to add that we have spent a week at a time together at different points, and it wasn't just play. We did the usual domestic stuff together, and are both very comfortable in each others company when we're not playing. My eldest said we're already like a married couple with each other, so I don't have any worries about us working on a vanilla level as well.

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I just lurrves me chesticles, I do. :)

Don't judge a book by its cover, it could well be worth a good sniff or two...

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RE: Coping with regular separation in ltr... - 1/10/2012 8:33:24 AM

bighappygoth39

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To LadyHib:

I have had to teach myself to be more patient over the past years, which has not been the easiest thing to do, believe me, so I can definitely identify with you there.

To MistressDarkArt:

I'm extremely pleased with the positive replies I've had from all on this, so I've been able to have a better think about things, and realise that I am lucky to have found him and I would be extremely silly to end it just because I can't see him all of the time.

_____________________________

I just lurrves me chesticles, I do. :)

Don't judge a book by its cover, it could well be worth a good sniff or two...

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