When is it ok to be needy?

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When is it ok to be needy? - 1/22/2012 5:23:00 AM

Tinimoo

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/28/2011
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Very new to this, in my first BDSM relationship in fact. Just wondering about when it's ok to be needy and emotional towards my sir? I know that he's busy alot of the time and we do talk an awful lot but right now I'm feeling quite lost and insecure about my role. We're in a long distance relationship and haven't spent much time together yet so how do I know when it's ok or if it's ever ok to just be vinillia? I know that every master wants different things and no two relationships are the same but some advice would really be appriciated.

Thank you

Post #: 1

RE: When is it ok to be needy? - 1/22/2012 5:45:30 AM

GreedyTop

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From: Savannah, GA
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This may sound harsh, but it really isn't meant to: talk to him. He's the only one who can tell you what's ok with him.

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Post #: 2

RE: When is it ok to be needy? - 1/22/2012 5:51:24 AM

Fornica

Posts: 2986
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Yeah. What Greedy said. We can't tell you when it's ok or not ok to be able to talk to your Dom.
Personally, (yes for ME), a relationship is a relationship is a relationship. If I can't sob on you when I'm sad, it isn't gonna work.

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(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 3

RE: When is it ok to be needy? - 1/22/2012 6:02:46 AM

Baroana

Posts: 1480
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I hope for your sake that your emotional support system consists of more than a long-distance dom you barely know.

(in reply to Fornica)

Post #: 4

RE: When is it ok to be needy? - 1/22/2012 6:36:18 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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Sure, it's natural to feel needy at the start of things. You're trying new things, it's exciting, it awakens a lot of volatile emotions. It's normal to look for guidance from someone you perceive as having answers for things. Whether it's ok or not is between the two of you. I have no idea how much neediness your Dominant can take and what appeals to him or where his boundaries are. Long distance relationships are hell for many reasons.

You asked if its ok to ever be vanilla. In my relationship we are vanilla much of the time, that's what suits us. We don't use protocol, he doesn't lead me around on a leash for everyone to see- our kink is private. I talk to him about whatever I want to talk to him about. We have a basic structure where he leads and I follow. We're just a basic couple really. You'll have to see what works for the two of you, ask your Dom how he would like things to be. If he has a preference for how you approach things with him. Everyone is different. Sorry I couldn't be more specific.

(in reply to Tinimoo)

Post #: 5

RE: When is it ok to be needy? - 1/22/2012 7:19:02 AM

kalikshama

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Joined: 8/8/2010
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Are you feeling needy and emotional right after a scene? If so, you may be experiencing Sub Drop, for which chocolate and sports drinks like Glaceau Vitamin Water are helpful.

If it's not post-scene related than it may be a sign that something in the relationship is not working for you, for example, that you are long distance and he is busy. Get thyself busy too.

I don't know if this is relevant for you or not, but don't make someone a priority who considers you an option.

(in reply to Tinimoo)

Post #: 6

RE: When is it ok to be needy? - 1/22/2012 9:06:25 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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When I'm feeling that way I tell him. He usually notices before me though and most of the time I don't have to say something but when he doesn't, I just tell him and then we talk about it at length and he decides if it's valid or not and what to do about it.

Don't ask a bunch of strangers...ask him...ya know...that man who is supposed to be one of the most important people in your life? The man who is supposed to be the one making the decisions in your life?

I always wonder why people just don't talk.

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RE: When is it ok to be needy? - 1/22/2012 9:24:40 AM

Tinimoo

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Joined: 11/28/2011
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Thank you everyone. Gonna chat about it soon. I knew I should have anyway.

(in reply to littlewonder)

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RE: When is it ok to be needy? - 1/22/2012 1:19:05 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
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So you're dating a guy who lives far away, and you have a bit of kink involved on occasion. It's not really any different than dating a dude that you go sailing with once a month or so or a guy you spend some time together with to visit museums when you're in town.

As to how to deal with him on an interpersonal level, would you feel comfortable being "needy" and "emotional" with a regular dude you're dating? Maybe you could live your life and just let your relationship grow? It's a thought.

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RE: When is it ok to be needy? - 1/22/2012 1:34:17 PM

Epytropos

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Is there... is there a time when it's not ok to feel feelings? Because that sounds terrible...

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RE: When is it ok to be needy? - 1/22/2012 1:52:01 PM

Fornica

Posts: 2986
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Agreed

quote:

ORIGINAL: Epytropos

Is there... is there a time when it's not ok to feel feelings? Because that sounds terrible...

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There is no spoon.

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Post #: 11

RE: When is it ok to be needy? - 1/22/2012 1:54:50 PM

sunshinemiss

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Joined: 11/26/2007
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Sorry, but realistically they are in a long distance relationship and that they don't spend much time together. relationships build and grow - or at least healthy ones do. A relationship like that doesn't have a lot of foundation ... yet. Who dumps "emotional" and "needy" stuff on a new beau? Gals who lose their men, that's who.

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to Fornica)

Post #: 12

RE: When is it ok to be needy? - 1/22/2012 1:58:57 PM

Fornica

Posts: 2986
Status: offline

Well yeah. I guess her definition of needy needs to be shared.

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Post #: 13

RE: When is it ok to be needy? - 1/22/2012 2:16:56 PM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
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From: Washington, DC area
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I too would liketo know what she means by needy and how it manifests itself...needy isn't a horrible thing but it can mean insecure, clingy, and or whiney, at least in my mind. Feeling needy is one thing -- how its expressed is likely much more important.

and I agree with sunshinemiss on this "Who dumps "emotional" and "needy" stuff on a new beau? Gals who lose their men, that's who. "

I think that's the quickest way to put a partner off... it would me -- I'm attracted to independent and self assured.. needy would seem the opposite of that

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Post #: 14

RE: When is it ok to be needy? - 1/22/2012 4:52:18 PM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

Hey,

Before I go on - I'm sure there are plenty of Dom guys out there who'd love to give you the volume and level of reassurance you need.

But, if I were your Dom, I'd be wondering whether I was the right Dom for you.

No, that's not true, I'd have already come to the conclusion that I'm not the right Dom for you, and I'd have ended it.

Nothing personal, but like your Dom, I'm fantastically busy, and can't give a sub who needs a lot of reassurance/contact the time that she needs (and no doubt deserves).

- Just a different perspective.

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Post #: 15

RE: When is it ok to be needy? - 1/22/2012 5:39:22 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml
Nothing personal, but like your Dom, I'm fantastically busy, and can't give a sub who needs a lot of reassurance/contact the time that she needs (and no doubt deserves).

You never call ... you never write... I'm going to go eat worms. Or sit in the dark. Either way.

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to crazyml)

Post #: 16

RE: When is it ok to be needy? - 1/22/2012 5:42:10 PM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml
Nothing personal, but like your Dom, I'm fantastically busy, and can't give a sub who needs a lot of reassurance/contact the time that she needs (and no doubt deserves).

You never call ... you never write... I'm going to go eat worms. Or sit in the dark. Either way.

This, on a "needy" thread. Oh the irony!

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

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Post #: 17

RE: When is it ok to be needy? - 1/22/2012 11:19:52 PM

RaspberryLemon

Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline

My Master expects me to express to him and tell him whenever I am feeling...anything, really. I find it very healthy for us both that we are emotionally open with each other, and the mutual support that comes with it is great. I feel it's necessary for any type of intimate relationship, regardless of the roles--our feelings must be important to the other.

If you can't express yourself and are expected to suck up your emotions, are you not suffering? Talk to him and ask him how he wants to approach this facet of your relationship. If it's not a way that you feel you can handle, you either compromise or realize this isn't right for you and move on.

(in reply to Tinimoo)

Post #: 18

RE: When is it ok to be needy? - 1/23/2012 3:55:17 AM

fragilepieces

Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

With my partner and yep we are long distance at the moment---I miss him but I don't feel needy, insecure, lost. And vanilla; why is everyone against vanilla---shit if I can not talk, laugh, joke and let my hair down around my partner---it's so not going to work and I MIGHT then feel needy, insecure and lost.

I agree with everyone else---talk to him see if you can find a balance that works.

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Him: I love you BECAUSE you ARE a weirdo.

(in reply to Tinimoo)

Post #: 19

RE: When is it ok to be needy? - 1/23/2012 6:01:46 AM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

OP: Wild guess, maybe your insecurities are due to the distance not the BDSM, talk it out with him to get to the root of the problem so you don't feel like you've turned into a wet blanket.

(in reply to fragilepieces)

Post #: 20

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