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RE: Playing on a first meeting - 10/25/2004 6:38:30 PM   
subbiejenn


Posts: 631
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline 		I try to stick with the no "play" on first meet thing but honestly i love to please and if a Big Strong Dominate Man wants to spank me (wiggles) i am usually all for it! *grins* Really i do try and stick with the No play rule but like happyperv said if it is a long distance, the connection and trust is there hard not to. i usually talk to Doms a long time online and on the phone before i ever think of meeting, sometimes if they are close i will meet them sooner for lunch or something but then there is no play. For me each Dom i have met has been different and just all depends on the circumstances.

Just remember to keep yourself safe!!

JMO

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(in reply to perverseangelic)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Playing on a first meeting - 10/25/2004 9:39:34 PM   
GoddessDustyGold


Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert


I also think distance is an issue. I mean, it is kinda difficult to justify driving 3 hours to meet someone if you know there is absolutely no chance for more even if things go perfectly. Of course, you should retain the option to just leave if you get creeped out, but you could also remain open to giving him a hand job or something if things go well.

Anyway, just throwing out ideas here.



Oh, wow!! I'm not sure I have have an answer for that. And here I was just reading the latest on the "Is romance dead?" thread.
Chemistry, of course, has alot to do with it. You can try to get to know someone as much as possible online or telephone. But the actual first meeting. Well, maybe it will be a three hour drive or even longer. Maybe I misunderstood, but I sure wouldn't want to feel like I owed at least a handjob for the Dom's trouble. Same in vanilla dating. As Barbara Streisand sang so amusingly in "Funny Girl" ...."what if he wants his dinner back!"


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Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
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Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
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(in reply to happypervert)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Playing on a first meeting - 10/27/2004 7:20:40 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline
quote:

Chemistry, of course, has alot to do with it. . . . Maybe I misunderstood, but I sure wouldn't want to feel like I owed at least a handjob for the Dom's trouble.

Or more likely I wasn't exactly clear. The point I was trying to make is that a little flexibility might be better than strict "no-play" rules especially when long-distances are concerned. If one is only flirting with locals, then it is easy to meet informally for a "get to know ya" and get together again to get more familiar or play.

But with longer distances, you are probably doing the "mating dance" quite a bit longer and have already developed some chemistry before making the trip. So if one makes the effort to travel and the chemistry is right on both sides, then why not do something? Of course, I am not advocating that you would "owe" anything, but rather allow yourself to get intimate at some level if you want to instead of sticking to a strict "no play no nuthin'" rule.

But I didn't think of the other alternative -- if you want to have a strict "no-play" rule and meet someone a distance away, then you hop in the car and make the trip.

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RE: Playing on a first meeting - 10/27/2004 8:02:49 AM   
afmvdp


Posts: 494
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ProudSub

With all due respect afmvdp, i do think playing in the bdsm realm is quite different than sex on the first date, at least from the sub's point of view. Being bound and made helpless by someone you don't know well is much riskier than just having sex and being free to leave at any time. IMHO.


Honestly if you are with a respectable person that you have communicated with enough and that has an idea of what they are doing, I would have to disagree. It's called tempering...you can slowly add elements to gauge someones capabilities and limits. On a first session with anyone you would never go as far as you might after weeks, months, years of knowing them intimately. So to someone who's been in the life a while, knows what they want and what they like and it flows perfectly with what someone else has to offer, I'd say it's absolutely no different.


quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert

Of course, you should retain the option to just leave if you get creeped out, but you could also remain open to giving him a hand job or something if things go well.


That really has to be one of the funniest things I've read in a while. "Come on baby...I got all dressed in leather and drove in rush hour, now give it a little love." Oh dear god that just seems so ass backwards. It doesn't matter if he flew cross country...if it's their limits, it's their limits and if you can't respect that going in then you're unlikely to respect it throughout the relationship. Just my thoughts on the matter.


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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Playing on a first meeting - 10/27/2004 10:41:28 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline
quote:

"Come on baby...I got all dressed in leather and drove in rush hour, now give it a little love."

That is a hilarious spin on what I what I wrote, but after that you're off the mark. Perhaps you started chuckling at the word "handjob" which I tossed in for amusement and then missed the qualifying part where I said "if things go well".

Actually, our positions look to me like they are quite similar, because in an earlier post you said "but it's all up to situations". So it seems really odd that that you would distort my ideas here about possibly adapting to situations into being a lack of respect for limits. Now, if I were talking about being adaptable while standing on her doorstep dressed in leather with my schlong hanging out, then you would have a point.

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Playing on a first meeting - 10/27/2004 12:24:17 PM   
afmvdp


Posts: 494
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline 		If I took your intent incorrectly then I have no problem with apologizing for my misinterpretation. Perhaps in a quick glance over I mistook symbolisms and metaphors too literally, yet sadly enough I have heard out of the mouths of too many for my taste such statements quite exactly as I had interpreted and responded against. The problem with internet communication has always been a lack of emotional inflect behind the written word. Sarcasm and sattire are all but lost.

(in reply to happypervert)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Playing on a first meeting - 10/27/2004 1:02:49 PM   
MrThorns


Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		Although I typically will not play with someone on a first meeting, I won't limit myself by saying that I will never play on a first meeting.

Most of the first meetings I have with someone are simply to sit down, swill some coffee and find out if we are compatable on various levels. The meeting is a very casual and low-pressure environment. If I am meeting with someone very new to BDSM, chances are very likely that I will not play with them on that first meeting, but if I am meeting with an experienced player, (And I don't mean self-proclaimed experience...they should know what the hell they are talking about.) I may decide that playing at that point is acceptable.

~Thorns

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(in reply to afmvdp)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Playing on a first meeting - 10/28/2004 3:58:08 PM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline
quote:

Most of the first meetings I have with someone are simply to sit down, swill some coffee and find out if we are compatable on various levels. The meeting is a very casual and low-pressure environment.


M. Thornes-

That's what I try for- I just get carried away sometimes. I find it so depressing that the very visibly 'alternitive' types that work at most Starbucks are so intolerant of others notions of romantic....

Stay warm,
Lawrence

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Playing on a first meeting - 10/28/2004 6:11:53 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

That's what I try for- I just get carried away sometimes.


Yeah. Sometimes we just have to follow our urges.

I remember being on a dance floor once and seeing the cutest girl. We kept locking eyes and it was obvious there was attraction. It took about 3 songs before we face to face and lip locked. As my friend Matt put it, "that was the hottest thing I've ever seen". And it goes on. And it was hot. And it was fantastic. <weg>

Usually though, when I'm being rational, I take the time to get to know someone better first.

- LA

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Playing on a first meeting - 10/29/2004 8:09:28 AM   
slavewithnoname


Posts: 24
Joined: 8/24/2004
Status: offline
quote:

With all due respect afmvdp, i do think playing in the bdsm realm is quite different than sex on the first date, at least from the sub's point of view. Being bound and made helpless by someone you don't know well is much riskier than just having sex and being free to leave at any time. IMHO.


I pondered this a while... and with some thought, have to ask "how" is casual play so diffrent than casual sex? Both can 'potentially' bring harm, or in extreme cases, death. How is taking someone you just met off for a sexual randeveu` so diffrent than say a couple clovers on the nipples? While I do not play on the first meeting, I will not say that I never "would". How much time has been spent talking? Getting to learn each others limits? Do the refrences check out? Is that Dom a respected member of the local scene? A lot of variables that may influence a decision if it were me making it. I tend to be extremely open minded, and see very little diffrence between taking an unknown person off alone to have wild sex.... and taking them off for a little lifestyle play. To what extent can one "stop" each activity? Now... THAT is where the questions are, and the trust. Do you know they will stop if you say stop? If they pressured you into that activity at all... I would have to say no. Then you are looking at a rape scene, possible diseases etc. If it's a lifestyle scene and they do not stop... you are looking at the very least having your own limits crashed right through. I'd say that before doing either.... take time to THINK. just my own personal opinions.
Please be well and safe!
~slavegirl~

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(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Playing on a first meeting - 10/29/2004 8:43:00 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I pondered this a while... and with some thought, have to ask "how" is casual play so diffrent than casual sex?


I can answer this from my own perspective. While unprotected sex with a stranger can bring you any number of STD's or even aids.
I think most people think of bondage as play. Where this may or may not always be the case. I think that may be the norm. Now, if you submit to allowing a complete stranger tie you up. Serious circumstances can arise.
I watch people when they come to my parties. Many, will play with anyone at anytime even if they have never laid eyes on them before the session. They don't negotiate like you would assume. They do nothing. As a DM, you still know nothing because they have chosen not to communicate with you. Actually if I am DM'ing something I know because if there is bondage involved I will stop it. I have witnessed DM's in the past not asking.
People just "assume" they will be safe.
That clearly is not the case. There are nut jobs everywhere proving that not to be a certain fact. Look at Slavemaster, he preys on the innocent. Promising them everything so they give up their entire life and move to him. Then, when they get there he kills them and puts them in cans. Of course the ratio for nutjobs to "normal" is very small it still happens. When it does serious consequences do arise.


(in reply to slavewithnoname)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Playing on a first meeting - 10/29/2004 11:17:51 AM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrThorns
Most of the first meetings I have with someone are simply to sit down, swill some coffee and find out if we are compatable on various levels. The meeting is a very casual and low-pressure environment. ~Thorns


This is one of the reasons I asked this question. My partner and I are having trouble even getting to this stage, because once we make it clear that we'd like to meet as a sort of "get to know you," non-threatening, thing with no expectation nor promise of play/sex/blah people bail on us.

It frustrates me that some people seem to think that because we would like to meet them, and because they set up a meeting, we are somehow obligated to pay them back through...whatever. I don't quite see what's so bad about just -meeting- someone and see if you even -like- them, without promising to do something with someone you've never seen face to face.

I know, though, that a lot of this has to do with the fact that we're looking through the net. We kinda figure that since it isn't an urgent need, with patience we'll find people worth our time. Still, one -does- get frustrated.

Thank you all for the responses. I'm reading and learning, here.



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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Playing on a first meeting - 10/29/2004 12:23:07 PM   
jillwfsub4blkdom


Posts: 375
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline 		i think first meetings should just be to get to know the other party. Find out their expectations and what each party is seeking in the other. i think once play is introduced it can cloud someone's judgement. There are so many different aspects to a relationship and play is only one of them. i guess it truly depends on what you are seeking though.

jill

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Our physical into a more spiritual level of understanding" - Musiq

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Playing on a first meeting - 10/30/2004 11:11:13 AM   
baileythorne


Posts: 264
Joined: 6/6/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic

As the submissive partner rather than the dominant one, I find that I am not allowed (by those with whom I speak) to say that I do not play on a first meeting. I am told, time and again, that my 'submissive nature' will take over and I will just -have- to play with said person. Well, that among many things.

I'm wondering how you-all keep this a rule without being hated by everyone, everywhere.



As a single woman, I am not submissive to anyone until I choose to be. When I first meet people my safety is my #1 concern. That concern over rides any interest in erotic play. If you find yourself in a position without a partner to watch your back, I hope you learn this lesson fast.

Sounds like you are not talking to the right people because I've never heard statements like this from anyone I know in meat life. Sounds more like a cyber thing.

Lastly, why would you care what someone thinks of you when they have just proven themselves to be one or more of the following (a) clueless (b) manipulative (c) self centered ?

Your friends and people who care about you want to know you can and will take care of yourself. Seriously.

--bailey

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Dance like no one's watching and
Love like you've never been hurt.

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Playing on a first meeting - 11/17/2004 7:53:41 AM   
dally


Posts: 108
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		happypervert you're a riot! certainly brought a grin to my face this cloudy day!

quote:

And those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music -Angela Monet

(in reply to baileythorne)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Playing on a first meeting - 11/17/2004 8:18:54 AM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: baileythorne
As a single woman, I am not submissive to anyone until I choose to be. When I first meet people my safety is my #1 concern. That concern over rides any interest in erotic play. If you find yourself in a position without a partner to watch your back, I hope you learn this lesson fast.

Sounds like you are not talking to the right people because I've never heard statements like this from anyone I know in meat life. Sounds more like a cyber thing.

Lastly, why would you care what someone thinks of you when they have just proven themselves to be one or more of the following (a) clueless (b) manipulative (c) self centered ?


Oh, I most certainly wouldn't want to. And I wouldn't. It's the primary reason we don't meet people. It's still frustrating.

I think it's -got- to be an online thing. We're not involved in our realtime community for a variety of reasons (which I honestly don't feel like getting into here) and our search isn't -vital- it's just something that's fun for us, if it works out.

By saying "not allowed" I think I was trying to say that the people with whom I speak assume I don't know my own mind, or my own strength of will. I am assumed to not know my own mind, and that I -will- when I meet him/her be so overwhelmed I will -have- to play with him/her.

I would never put myself in a posiiton where I didn't feel safe, and I very much believe that I am not submissive to -anyone- untill I agree to that exchange. Too, baring drastic circumstances, I won't ever play without my partner, and he's pretty darn protective :)

I was wondering, though, at the commonness of the attitude I'm facing, and if other's face similar problems-that is, innability to even arange a first meeting because they want -just- a first meeting.


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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Playing on a first meeting - 11/17/2004 12:53:14 PM   
SexyBlackMan


Posts: 3
Joined: 7/29/2004
Status: offline 		I would say that it is better to say you are not going to play on your first meeting. However, if after a while you feel comfortable, then things will happen. Remember, you as the submissive actually have the control because submission is yielded

(in reply to perverseangelic)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Playing on a first meeting - 11/17/2004 1:21:29 PM   
wetrope


Posts: 117
Joined: 8/9/2004
From: GATINEAU, PQ
Status: offline 		As a potential dom sure he'd like to play on the first meeting, who wouldnt!! Sorry this may not be politically correct even in here.

But, i only ever expect coffee, to meet in neutral location, to drive in seperate cars, to talk and get to know the potential sub, to see if compatible, to see if she has a sense of humour, to find out if it is worth the risk of a "relationship".

So keep it simple stupid only meet for coffee!!!

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Wetrope

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Playing on a first meeting - 11/19/2004 10:29:10 PM   
indigo302


Posts: 127
Joined: 4/28/2004
From: Delaware
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic

Along the same lines, do you think it is possible for a submissive person to say (and remain true to) this idea?


It is absolutely possible for a submissive to say and mean " no play on the first meeting". It's as easy as saying " I would love to meet you for coffee/lunch/dinner/etc, but there will be no play. I do this out of respect for myself"... if they also respect you, they will abide by it. If they don't, they won't.

quote:

How does one avoid being manipulated into violating said rule?


One can only be manipulated if they allow themselves to be. If one is not strong enough in themselves to say "no", then what do they have to 'give' as a submissive? I'm confused by submissives who tell me they can't say no...because their submissive nature won't let them. I feel as a submissive, I not only have the right to say no, when I mean no....but I have the responsibility to say 'no' when it is appropriate for me. If someone I'm meeting has a problem with that, then there isn't much hope for a D/s relationship built on trust and respect.

indigo

(in reply to perverseangelic)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Playing on a first meeting - 11/20/2004 7:34:12 AM   
amalie


Posts: 6
Joined: 9/7/2004
Status: offline 		As several others have said just because i am submissive doesn't mean i have to be stupid.

In my own experience this is an online versus community thing.

i meet assumptions like this all the time in on-line contacts.

i have NEVER met such an assumption for doms/dommes in the community.

Online i think there are a lot of wannabees who for one thing don't know the difference between bdsm and swinging ... and in latching onto the dom/sub script they think they have hit the goldmine: at last females who'll just drop and fulfill their every wish and want. You all know the types: on first contact even written contact they tell you that you are their slave and must do what they say and of course immediately.

Ha ha ha ... it IS good to have a sense of humour.

i prefer to meet people in group settings anyway ... events, munches, even dance clubs. It's more relaxed, there is less of the interview quality, and it's easier to pick up on overall affinity.


(in reply to perverseangelic)
Profile   Post #: 40
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