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First Dom - 2/3/2012 4:32:13 AM

unclaimedheart

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Is there a general phenomenon of first Doms being perfect (someone to compare all others to) and hard to get over?

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RE: First Dom - 2/3/2012 4:43:01 AM

Fornica

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Yup. Do a search on here for "sub frenzy".

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RE: First Dom - 2/3/2012 5:12:56 AM

unclaimedheart

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I researched about sub frenzy while still in my first D/s relationship. I have not let my preferences change my life or routines and I have had significant time to heal from when I stopped seeing my Dom, but I still stubbornly prefer everything about him. I am asking because friends that I met after the split have suggested I seek others' opinions on their first Dom. I know now that these feelings can be matched when I find another to love, but I am concerned that I am too biased against anyone that is not him.

(in reply to Fornica)

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RE: First Dom - 2/3/2012 5:48:54 AM

poise

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First Dom, first love, first kiss, first car. All of these first experiences will always trump the next one,
simply because they were a first, but it doesn't mean they were the best, or that nothing can improve upon them.
Everyone has preferences, and every relationship we have had allows us to realize what those preferences are.

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RE: First Dom - 2/3/2012 5:52:04 AM

risktaker9

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My first Dom was an ass. He even said so as did most people who knew him. I was excited about finding D/s and stuck with him for a while as it suited me at the time. I moved on when it was time and never regretted leaving him. It seems like mine might be an atypical first time experience, but I actually am glad for it. It introduced me to something meaningful, which was me being a submissive, and I was able to try things on for size without getting too attached to the man.

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RE: First Dom - 2/3/2012 6:51:30 AM

NuevaVida

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Eh, maybe as a generalization. My first "dom" was online only - in all the years I've known him, we never met. We remained friends for many years later but I never held him up as a symbol of perfection, in fact, one of the reasons we dissolved the D/s nature was because of his many flaws and my growing frustration/lack of respect, as a result. But he was a good guy, overall (probably still is - haven't talked to him in a few years). I don't think of him with any "special" fondness - just as a nice guy who I could probably pick up the phone and call and we'd chat as if the last time we talked was yesterday.

My first real-time "master" was not such a good guy, and the way he ended things brought me to realize the best thing for me would be to never have contact with him again. Time and space reveals much, and as I worked through my grief of that relationship, my eyes opened to many things. I am glad to be in a much different place now, and to be so far removed from him.

I don't put a lot of "specialness" on firsts. My first boyfriend (of two years) was the son of a friend of my parents, and he & I also remained friends for many years. I haven't talked to him in about 15 years just because our lives went in much different directions, but I'm still friends with his mother. :) I remember him as being a good person, and have always wished the best for him. But not because he was my "first" (boyfriend, sex) - because he's a good person.

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RE: First Dom - 2/3/2012 6:57:25 AM

Iamsemisweet

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My first Dom was fun for a while, but turned out to be a lying son of a bitch. When it looked like I might get stuck with him (he suddenly disclosed he was married, his wife had kicked him out, and he needed a place to land), I dumped him. Needless to say, he was neither perfect nor someone I remember with fondness.

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RE: First Dom - 2/3/2012 7:33:48 AM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: unclaimedheart
I have had significant time to heal from when I stopped seeing my Dom, but I still stubbornly prefer everything about him.

You were the one who was released and kept asking to be taken back.

You might have had ample time to heal, but you didn't use it that way. You used to hold out hope that he'd take you back.

You need to let go, move on and heal yourself. If you get involved with someone else at this point you're not being fair to him or to yourself.

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RE: First Dom - 2/3/2012 7:42:31 AM

ProlificNeeds

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FR -

If you still wish you were in the relationship then you aren't over it. Rose colored glasses serve no real purpose except at funerals.

My first wasn't hard to get over, but he did stand as a 'measure' against which I judged others for awhile. Then I got over that too, and realized if I'm not giving every prospective new partner a clean slate and lots of headroom to show me who they are, I'm not being fair. Each person is unique, and you should learn to appreciate them for what they are, not what they aren't.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

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RE: First Dom - 2/3/2012 7:44:15 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

First Dom, first love, first kiss, first car. All of these first experiences will always trump the next one,
simply because they were a first, but it doesn't mean they were the best, or that nothing can improve upon them.
Everyone has preferences, and every relationship we have had allows us to realize what those preferences are.

The elegant Poise has expressed so beautifully. I don't think it has anything to so with you being submissive or him being dominant. It's a human nature thing. We have a tendency to make many firsts overly ideal.

For a time, the first woman I explored a power exchange relationship/kink with, I subconsciously looked for many of the qualities I saw in her, in others. Then as time passed, I realized that even SHE did not have many of the qualities I was attributing to her. I realized that, as long as I was looking for a replica of her, I had no business looking........period.

It was only when I was able to allow others to be special in their own way and appreciate them for being themselves that I knew I was able to move forward properly.

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RE: First Dom - 2/3/2012 9:36:10 AM

lizi

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My first turned out to be all posture and no substance. Not much to admire. In fact, I always knew that about him and went along with it because I was caught up in the experience and was enjoying it from that standpoint. I don't have regrets, and I ended it when I was done with it and ready for better things. He serves as a standard for me in the way of never being with someone like that again.

My Dom now will be a hard act to beat if we ever part. Not because of his Domliness, because of the person he is and our relationship.
OP, you're putting a lot of emphasis on the D/s part of this past relationship. The Dom role seems like a way for you to measure men and then find them lacking- you admit that you seem to want a reason to reject something new.

Maybe you should take some time as the others have suggested to get over your old relationship by acknowledging that it's done, move on. You're still grieving and I think you're lengthening that process out because you don't want to let him go yet. That's fine, do what you feel is necessary for you to do. I do think there will be a day when you're tired of pining for the man that you can't have and you'll move on.

(in reply to unclaimedheart)

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RE: First Dom - 2/3/2012 11:25:51 AM

unclaimedheart

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So many different firsts, each answer thought provoking, thanks :) I did not even know what a Dom was when I chose to start a relationship with this man. I'd never met anyone like him, and even though if circumstances were different and we could be together, they aren't and that is what I fully accept everyday. My heart is open yet vunerable and I would never begin a relationship without discussing anything and everything the other person wanted to know.

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RE: First Dom - 2/3/2012 1:11:33 PM

DesFIP

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The fact that you've had time which you could have used to heal doesn't mean you have healed. You haven't. You appear to be stuck in the grief cycle. Get help moving on

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RE: First Dom - 2/13/2012 9:34:34 AM

PreciousCameltoe

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There are a lot of things I really loved about my first Dom, but we aren't together anymore for a reason. I do look for the things that worked for me in that relationship, and I avoid the things that didn't work for me. It's definitely true that the first one is exceptionally hard to move on from.

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RE: First Dom - 2/13/2012 9:51:20 AM

JanahX

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I think that question defies logic in all sorts of ways. Do you still compare the first b/f you ever had to all other men? If this were true for me, Id be comparing the first guy I went out with when I was a sophomore in H.S. ------> shit I dont think Ive thought of him in YEARS, until this very moment.

I think there are certain people in life that WILL and DO set bars, but by no means is it only localized to your FIRST Dom.

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RE: First Dom - 2/13/2012 10:47:16 AM

DaddySatyr

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I think "firsts" are milestones by which we measure experience but I think we may be discounting that this young ladies "first" may have also been an excellent fit for her (in some ways). Now, there may only be one thing that truly drew her to him but, it may be one helluva strong draw.

It is said that addicts spend the rest of their lives, chasing that first high. There's a tendency to romanticize things even if they weren't all that great, as time goes on. It's worse when there's no reminders of the bad things (entering a relationship with a widow[er] and "fighting a ghost" in the relationship).

All-in-all, it comes down to acceptance. This guy is no longer in your life and there's reasons for that. Take an inventory of yourself (who you are, who you want to be, and what you want out of a relationship) and go find that person that curls your toes; emotionally as well as physically.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

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RE: First Dom - 2/13/2012 10:59:17 AM

myotherself

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I chose my first Dom precisely because there was a shelf-life to our relationship. I wanted to explore what it was to be submissive, and to work out what I really needed in an LTR.

I started to get attached to him, so we parted amicably. We still go to the same events, and get a chance to chat. He's a lovely guy and was great as my 'first', but he wasn't right for me long-term.

This current Master is, to me. 'the one'. He's not perfect, but then again nor am I. We fit together well in vanilla as well as D/s. We both compromised on our versions of 'perfection' , and from that we have a real-life relationship that is stronger than ever.

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RE: First Dom - 2/13/2012 11:20:23 AM

MissImmortalPain

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The way I look at it(though I know you are asking for personal reasons) this isn't just a dom question. It is a dom, sub, boy/girlfriend, or anything other first. The first is always stuck in our mind, be it good or bad, as something to compare everything else to. It lingers back there where we really can't get rid of stuff no matter how hard we try. Just waiting for someone to ask the right question, or say the right thing, and then it all comes back to us. The only thing we can do is remind ourselves that those past realationships ended for a reason. And that though being someones first is often an amazing thing....being someones last is beyond perfect.

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RE: First Dom - 2/13/2012 1:09:07 PM

kalikshama