The thin line between trust and disobediance

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The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 7:23:36 PM

LilNewThing

Posts: 15
Joined: 2/3/2012
Status: offline

Hi Fellow Subs/slaves,

I am quiet new to the BDSM scene and Dom/s relationships. I have met my first Dom and trust and like him so much it scares me a little. We live far apart but we speak on the phone, skype, chat, txt constantly and we have made, what i feel, is a rather unique connection. In fact it has been a soul touching experiance for me and he reiterates these same feelings.
He has never made me doubt his care for me. In fact I find him to be such a remarkable man i nearly dont believe he is who he says he is!!??
I've broached this with him and he says he is exactly who he says he is. He has asked me to trust him completely, which has always been difficult for me for personal reasons. He says everything he tells me is true and he has never given me a reason to doubt this, however i kind of want to tell him to 'prove it' but this would offend him deeply, maybe undermine him as a Dom and possibly risk the relationship, which i dont want. So, has anyone exoerianced this on online connections?? How do I trust him over my own personal (possibly irrational) insecurities...?  Or, do i trust that instinct and ask him to share more with me?
thanks LNT

Post #: 1

RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 7:37:13 PM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline

Its simple,

Im a six foot two black man with a 15 inch dick... Really im a 5'7 curvy white chick... with an ass to die for...

Everything youve used to "verify" can be faked

If hes so insecure that he doesnt realize that people are going to question people on the internet... then well hes extremely insecure... and shouldnt be trusted...

This is the internet, people lie on the internet, to "trust completely" takes years, of him showing and proving he can make good decisions, and when he makes poor decisions, he can own up to them...

Tell him hes made a poor decision on the "trust completely" that you respect him but..... its the internet,

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to LilNewThing)

Post #: 2

RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 7:37:20 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

First off, welcome to collarme.

It sounds like the problem is that you've been burned before. That would be a problem in any relationship, but more so in an online only LDR. Is there any chance one of you could move to the other?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LilNewThing)

Post #: 3

RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 7:39:53 PM

whathappensnnv

Posts: 9
Joined: 6/28/2011
Status: offline

You may want to ask yourself how you want Him to prove it. Also, if you both are open and have such a connection, He will understand your need for validation. Have you planned to meet yet or is this going to remain a virtual connection?

(in reply to LilNewThing)

Post #: 4

RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 7:41:37 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Truthfully, deep trust must be reserved for people who have earned it. Online doesn't afford that opportunity. Online, you just don't sign on if you're in a bad mood, throwing things and kicking the dog. One on one, you get found out.

Now he may well be as great as he now appears, but you can't tell until you see someone regularly.

In fact this is why ldr's are so romantic, you don't see each other in less than ideal situations. It's incredibly romantic but it isn't real. And if/when you meet, either of you are likely to say that there just isn't any chemistry and you only want to be friends.

Most of all, by demanding something he hasn't earned, he's setting you up for failure. Either you don't do what he wants which makes him angry with you or else you do something that isn't healthy for you. Why is he asking you to do things that aren't good for you? Because I'm sure what you aren't able to do isn't something that is designed to promote your better welfare like getting more sleep.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 2/3/2012 7:46:19 PM >

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 5

RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 7:41:48 PM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline

Also LNT, Remember one very important thing...

D/s relationships are a lot like regular relationships...

If you wouldnt accept something like a demand to be "trusted completely"....from a vanilla man you met within the same time frame.... dont from someone you met online

also i keep putting "trust completely" because to me its a huge red flag for me personally it sets off the warning bells, It means please ignore your natural instinct for self preservation, and give control i havent earned over and dont question anything i say, because im grand master poohbah of the world...

BUT.. im a jaded cynical little cunt.,..

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 6

RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 7:44:21 PM

leatherlaceglove

Posts: 13
Joined: 1/8/2012
Status: offline

As a domme, I would say that you have every right to feel that way and if he gets upset that you are saying such, then you need to ask yourself WHY. You are a person of value. You have the RIGHT to your feelings whether they are true or false. If he is a good man (and dom) then he will understand that and support your right to your feelings.

A good dom/domme who is truly invested in you would ask how they can show you that they can be trusted. What is it that holds you back from trusting them? How can they help you to overcome it, if they even can?

And if they can't help you overcome them, then they should be supportive in helping you to find and know yourself so that you can let go of those fears.

If they aren't responding like that, then either they don't "get" what a dom/domme is supposed to be, they don't want what they perceive as 'baggage', or they weren't honest with you in the first place.

You deserve nothing less. That is what D/s is SUPPOSED to be about. Discovery, journey, support, love and growth...and at the end of it all? Who you truly are.

(in reply to LilNewThing)

Post #: 7

RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 7:46:54 PM

Duskypearls

Posts: 3561
Joined: 8/21/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leatherlaceglove

As a domme, I would say that you have every right to feel that way and if he gets upset that you are saying such, then you need to ask yourself WHY. You are a person of value. You have the RIGHT to your feelings whether they are true or false. If he is a good man (and dom) then he will understand that and support your right to your feelings.

A good dom/domme who is truly invested in you would ask how they can show you that they can be trusted. What is it that holds you back from trusting them? How can they help you to overcome it, if they even can?

And if they can't help you overcome them, then they should be supportive in helping you to find and know yourself so that you can let go of those fears.

If they aren't responding like that, then either they don't "get" what a dom/domme is supposed to be, they don't want what they perceive as 'baggage', or they weren't honest with you in the first place.

You deserve nothing less. That is what D/s is SUPPOSED to be about. Discovery, journey, support, love and growth...and at the end of it all? Who you truly are.

^^^^^
This times 10. Splendidly and succinctly said. Well done Leather.

(in reply to leatherlaceglove)

Post #: 8

RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 7:48:46 PM

LilNewThing

Posts: 15
Joined: 2/3/2012
Status: offline

Thanks all. We have organised to meet but not in the near future because of work commitments (my decsion). We live 2000km apart.

Yes, DarkSteven i have had an ugly stalker experiance and so has he. He warned me of this and said he apologises that his approach at times seems funny but that he will tell me more as we get to know each other. And he has followed through on this statement and Ive have learnt more about him daily.

He is insanely in touch with me and he says I with him and i can see this is based on the vulnerability and trust we have developed this far. I feel if I push this one it may tear something between us... but then I think... i may be falling in love with someone who says they arn't who they say they are... but imagine if he was who he says he is and i risk losing this amazing man....

(in reply to whathappensnnv)

Post #: 9

RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 7:49:04 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance

I'm a six foot two black man with a 15 inch dick...

You too?

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

Post #: 10

RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 7:52:01 PM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline

Everyone on the internet has an amazing penis... its the internet

OP Sorry ive taken this trip down this road....

Id say cut and run, because It just... its too fishy....Hes had a stalker so he wont tell you important information? Really Sounds more like hes married and doesnt want you to be able to tell his wife.. but again.. im jaded and cynical and mistrustful....

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)

Post #: 11

RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 7:55:50 PM

LilNewThing

Posts: 15
Joined: 2/3/2012
Status: offline

Thank you leatherlaceglove that was beautifully explained.
I do believe he is a good Dom. I'm worried because he has been stalked before and rather hurt so he hides some of his public persona until he trusts his sub. I will bring it up again - im just not sure if I am being irrational with my internet fear - but I guess this is something we should work through toegther. Thanks again :-)

(in reply to leatherlaceglove)

Post #: 12

RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 7:56:44 PM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline

How long have you been speaking? A week? a month? Several months?

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

Post #: 13

RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 7:59:01 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Great post I agree if you are speaking of real time relationships. The Op's is online. I don't think they have ever met. And there's the problem as I see it.

When someone you have never met expects you to trust them completely, this is a red flag. Because intelligent thinking humans don't do that, unless they are using their private parts for brains. The thing is, he's her dom, she wants to love and trust and respect him, and he's probably good at getting her to think with her pussy.

Not sure where the OP is at in terms of ever meeting this man. If the choice is never, than she has to either agree to suspend her brains for the sake of fantasy, understanding it *is* fantasy, or opt out.

If she wants to meet this man, I would advise her that once you meet someone in person, certain things take a restart. It's like a brand new relationship, and all the rules for establishing trust in a brand new relationship apply.

Edited to add: I forgot to mention my issues with the OP's subject line. Failing to trust someone completely that you only know online is not being disobedient. It's being prudent.

I suppose you can command someone to trust you, but I personally would not be interested in having a relationship with the type of person who would obey.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 2/3/2012 8:02:09 PM >

_____________________________

(in reply to Duskypearls)

Post #: 14

RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 8:04:28 PM

Killerangel

Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline

I've heard the "trust me" thing before. Any time someone said it they ended up not quite being the person they were supposed to be. I can't stand it when guys play this game, if they really want to bowl me over they'd understand that they should be giving me things in order put me at my ease and to build that trust. As another poster pointed out, why do people promote this instant trust thing? Do they want you to trust anyone? If someone is asking you for unfounded trust, then it should be ok for you to do that with anyone, that's what they're saying.

One of the best first dates I had was a guy who showed me his driver's license upon meeting so I could verify who he was and the information he'd given me, and who had also given me his work phone number to verify before meeting. I didn't ask for those things, he just did it, which took the pressure off of me and enabled me to start trusting the guy, he was laying the ground work for that.

This is one of the best pieces of writing I've ever read on the subject of men and women and personal safety and trust. It's not that long- read it and see if it doesn't nail the whole thing down pat, it's a truly great article...Schrodinger's Rapist.

(in reply to LilNewThing)

Post #: 15

RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 8:04:45 PM

LilNewThing

Posts: 15
Joined: 2/3/2012
Status: offline

....Two weeks... That makes me sound nuts doesnt it...?

I dont think he is hiding behind trust.... When he has said that 'trusting him completely' it was within the spheres of reality (ie 'baby we have only known each other 2 weeks but a Dom/s relationship is built on trust')....

And yes, ChatteParfaitt, i think there is a level of whether this is fantasy or reality... Ill need to think about that - thanks

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 16

RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 8:07:00 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Two weeks is not enough.

Say that to yourself a whole bunch of times.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to LilNewThing)

Post #: 17

RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 8:08:36 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

Until you've met face to face....he's a stranger.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LilNewThing)

Post #: 18

RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 8:09:19 PM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline

Two weeks?.... TWO WEEKS?

Two weeks isnt enough time to write 15 page research paper...

LET alone build a D/s relationship where you are offering YOUR VERY LIFE.... to some guy...

Take a step back, breath and think... if this was someone you met in a bar what would you think?

If this was your sister or mother or best friend... saying this what would your advice be?

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 19

RE: The thin line between trust and disobediance - 2/3/2012 8:10:50 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LilNewThing

....Two weeks... That makes me sound nuts doesnt it...?

I dont think he is hiding behind trust.... When he has said that 'trusting him completely' it was within the spheres of reality (ie 'baby we have only known each other 2 weeks but a Dom/s relationship is built on trust')....

And yes, ChatteParfaitt, i think there is a level of whether this is fantasy or reality... Ill need to think about that - thanks

Yeah, all relationships are built on trust, even your relationship with your plumber. The thing is, you don't get trust by saying: "I want you to trust me, so gimme." You get trust by EARNING it. No shortcuts.

Oh, and what the very lovely Lady Hib said. Say it over and over and over again: It's just been two weeks!

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 2/3/2012 8:11:51 PM >

_____________________________

(in reply to LilNewThing)

Post #: 20

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