RE: Need a Master's advice......

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FoxyStella -> RE: Need a Master's advice...... (2/6/2012 12:34:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse quote: ORIGINAL: OrionTheWolf Have you taken some responsibility on your side. With this statement it really sends off some alarms to me. You only knew each other online, but you were ready to get married and commit your life to him. Do you realize the odds against that being successful? Not to mention it also seems that you created something about him, that was likely fed by a need you have. Learn from your mistakes, and improve your choices in the future. The first part is being accountable for your portion of it. Somewhere between your perception of things, and his perception of things, will be the truth. It is a fact of the world. I am also wondering if you felt this way from online interaction, if you blinded yourself and ignored certain things that would have indicated to you that maybe he was not as interested as you thought. We are all human and our emotions and subconscious tend to skew our perceptions of things. A fabulous post. The parts I bolded are thoughts that entered my head constantly through reading this thread. I think this mode of communication had caused many people quite a lot of heart ache. It is easy to assume too much and get caught up in the person that their words, and our assumptions, create. So true, a lot of heartache here. And as we all know, hindsight is 20/20 and there were signs that I either consciously or sub-consciously deleted from my thought process. I see them clearly now as I examine the relationship as I try to learn more about myself and my interactions with others online.......

Duskypearls -> RE: Need a Master's advice...... (2/6/2012 1:26:52 PM)
You're doing great, Foxy. Stick with it. Remember what Kierkegaard said, "Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards."

Duskypearls -> RE: Need a Master's advice...... (2/6/2012 1:29:29 PM)
[/quote] I think this mode of communication had caused many people quite a lot of heart ache. It is easy to assume too much and get caught up in the person that their words, and our assumptions, create. [/quote] Truer words were never spoken, LaT Lady!

FoxyStella -> RE: Need a Master's advice...... (2/6/2012 1:43:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Duskypearls You're doing great, Foxy. Stick with it. Remember what Kierkegaard said, "Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards." Thanks, Dusky, great quote to add to my collection. I have actually taped the hotel's keycard from my trip to the front of my computer as a reminder. That quote went right next to it......Once again, your advice has been a treasure, Thank you.......

OrionTheWolf -> RE: Need a Master's advice...... (2/6/2012 3:38:07 PM)
Good for you! We all make mistakes, and admitting them is the first step in preventing them from happening in the future. Just as LaT touched on, in this medium many people tend to create in their minds things that may not be actual reality. This is why I suggest to most that you give it extra examination, above what you may a face to face. quote: ORIGINAL: FoxyStella So true, a lot of heartache here. And as we all know, hindsight is 20/20 and there were signs that I either consciously or sub-consciously deleted from my thought process. I see them clearly now as I examine the relationship as I try to learn more about myself and my interactions with others online.......

FoxyStella -> RE: Need a Master's advice...... (2/6/2012 3:42:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OrionTheWolf Good for you! We all make mistakes, and admitting them is the first step in preventing them from happening in the future. Just as LaT touched on, in this medium many people tend to create in their minds things that may not be actual reality. This is why I suggest to most that you give it extra examination, above what you may a face to face. quote: ORIGINAL: FoxyStella So true, a lot of heartache here. And as we all know, hindsight is 20/20 and there were signs that I either consciously or sub-consciously deleted from my thought process. I see them clearly now as I examine the relationship as I try to learn more about myself and my interactions with others online....... [/qu ote] thank you wolf. Live and learn

Duskypearls -> RE: Need a Master's advice...... (2/6/2012 5:38:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FoxyStella quote: ORIGINAL: Duskypearls You're doing great, Foxy. Stick with it. Remember what Kierkegaard said, "Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards." Thanks, Dusky, great quote to add to my collection. I have actually taped the hotel's keycard from my trip to the front of my computer as a reminder. That quote went right next to it......Once again, your advice has been a treasure, Thank you....... You're more than welcome, Foxy, though I am sure the pleasure was all mine. Just remember, dear lady, it is not the pain we feel that kills our spirit, but our withdrawal from it, and the fear and avoidance of future pain that ensures our death. Without pain, few of us would be inspired to learn and grow. Keep this in mind...the degree to which we can feel pain is in direct reciprocal proportion to the degree with which we can feel joy, love, passion, and happiness. The quicker we forgive ourselves and others for pain inflicted upon us, real or perceived, intentional or otherwise, the quicker we can embrace the alternative. Are you ready to embrace the alternative?

angelikaJ -> RE: Need a Master's advice...... (2/6/2012 5:50:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt Stella, sweetie, you got took b/c you set yourself up as a victim. Stop doing that, by 60 you should know better. How did you set yourself up? Let me count the ways. You talked to someone for 2 years before meeting. You went to him. Not only did you go to him, you traveled waaay out of your way for him. You took out loans to pay for your trip. You (quite obviously) had an established dynamic with someone you had not even met. All of the above were serious mistakes, as you now know. How do you know someone you meet online is for real? Here are some pointers: Beginning communications are info based, not kink based. The person shows interest in you as a friend. There is no rush to set up a M/s or D/s relationship. If the person is local, they want to meet fairly soon (2 weeks to a month) on neutral public territory. This means, not a hotel. If the person is not local, discussions are made about when and how you will meet. Within a few months (2-3) is ideal. BTW, he comes to you, I don't care if he is a dom or a sub. If he can't, won't or can't afford it, why do you want to be stuck with him? If he is the dom, EVERYTHING about the first meeting should be to build trust and ensure your comfort level. Even if you are long distance and it takes several months to afford the first meet, you stay FRIENDS ONLY until that first meet. If you don't have a basis to be friends, you're fucked anyway, and not in a good way. When you first meet, you both agree about what you are going to do if the chemistry is not there. If it's not, you can still spend time together, b/c you have built a friendship. Some things that help to learn if you have good chemistry before a first meet: camming has been mentioned and I would highly recommend it. Along with lots of phone. Also, have him send you a used t-shirt so you can get his smell. Smell is important, and I would have no problem reciprocating. No, not dirty panties you pervs, I wear t-shirts, too. Lastly, why specifically a black man? That kind of reverse racism can set you up for all kinds of grief. I know, I am attracted to black men as well. But my partners don't have to be black, or white, or whatever color. People are about more than their skin color. By specifically seeking a black dom, you appear highly shallow (to me.) None of the above was written to humiliate you, but to inform you, since you asked. It's just my opinion, so do as you want with it. Good advice here.

ResidentSadist -> RE: Need a Master's advice...... (2/6/2012 6:02:38 PM)
There are 262,000 people in Rutherford county, over 100,000 of them live Murfreesboro. In Murfreesboro the census for people in your age bracket is 13%, more than double that for the county. Approximately 10% of the population is into BDSM in some form or another and in your area, 49% of them are male. There are approximately 1,668 guys around your age in Rutherford county and 52% of them should be single. My advice, save the plane fair next time and look in your area. Much cheaper to meet for coffee at the corner... and don't wait 2 years.

loreboy -> RE: Need a Master's advice...... (2/7/2012 1:48:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistrixMsE My 2 cents... meet half way, on neutral ground in the future should you go that route again. That way everyone is equally invested, and it encourages both parties to at least spend enough time to establish chemistry or connection in person one way or the other before its over. Plan for separate rooms should you do that though.. so if it seems wrong/is a bad fit, you do have somewhere to escape to. An excellent suggestion. I second that.

Firebirdseeking -> RE: Need a Master's advice...... (2/7/2012 10:24:41 PM)
Stella: You had several red flags with this guy that you either ignored or did not recognize. 1: It is totally foolish to talk with someone 2 years without meeting. That is a real waste of time. I think it is totally foolish for anyone to stay on line for more than one or 2 chats before moving to the phone, but that is me. A man who is interested will want to talk with you, and often, and that might include time on cam with nothing sexual. If anyone wants sexual things on cam, RUN. 2. I really believe a man who is dominant will come to you. He will spend the money and the time. I am sure others will disagree. My husband and dominant was in Canada, and I am in the Midwest, and he did not have a lot of bucks, but after 2 weeks of talking daily, he arranged to fly to meet me. After that, he flew here about every other month. I think too many subs are too eager, and that gives the wrong message. I think the larger issue is that when you are new, you fall for a lot of garbage - I did too. I would be the last person to say "Go local". But I would also be the first person to say you should not put yourself in debt to meet anyone. If he is truly interested, the financing of a trip is something HE should be in control of. I would totally question what this man is about - certainly not dominance. I think you need to determine for yourself what you think a dominant is, and what you think being a sub is. This guy was a jerk. There are all kinds of hype and fakes out there.

sunshinemiss -> RE: Need a Master's advice...... (2/7/2012 10:52:01 PM)
Stella - I just sent you a note on the other side. Please check on it. :) sunshine

FoxyStella -> RE: Need a Master's advice...... (2/8/2012 5:49:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking Stella: You had several red flags with this guy that you either ignored or did not recognize. 1: It is totally foolish to talk with someone 2 years without meeting. That is a real waste of time. I think it is totally foolish for anyone to stay on line for more than one or 2 chats before moving to the phone, but that is me. A man who is interested will want to talk with you, and often, and that might include time on cam with nothing sexual. If anyone wants sexual things on cam, RUN. 2. I really believe a man who is dominant will come to you. He will spend the money and the time. I am sure others will disagree. My husband and dominant was in Canada, and I am in the Midwest, and he did not have a lot of bucks, but after 2 weeks of talking daily, he arranged to fly to meet me. After that, he flew here about every other month. I think too many subs are too eager, and that gives the wrong message. I think the larger issue is that when you are new, you fall for a lot of garbage - I did too. I would be the last person to say "Go local". But I would also be the first person to say you should not put yourself in debt to meet anyone. If he is truly interested, the financing of a trip is something HE should be in control of. I would totally question what this man is about - certainly not dominance. I think you need to determine for yourself what you think a dominant is, and what you think being a sub is. This guy was a jerk. There are all kinds of hype and fakes out there. Thanks and I agree with all that you said. The one thing that I will clarify is....the full 2 years that we had this "relationship" was not as a "romantic" relationship. I did meet him online and because of the distance, we were only friends and he was trying to "mentor" me from there. He did in fact give me some good, sound advice for the first year and a half of our relationship concerning other relationships that I had going on. Our friendship had only gotten more into a possible match during the last 6 months. So, no, I was not waiting to meet him for the entire 2 years. It was only for the last 6 months that either one of us felt that we had other feelings for each other. Of course, I was apparently the only one with honest feelings, but then that is water under the bridge........I have already moved on and closed the book on him

SirWforkitten -> RE: Need a Master's advice...... (2/28/2012 7:42:16 PM)
At the risk of being censored, these types of doms fuckin piss me off. No where does it stipulate that a sub must finance a trip to see him. For what it's worth, I consider he should of either financed your trip or at the very least gone half of it all. I do have a hard time wrapping my head around the whole two years part. He never once attempted to fly himself to see you?. I would not dream of my kitten flying by herself at the beginning into the unknown. I made the first foray and away we went from there. Protection of a sub or even a prospective sub should be first and foremost on a dom's mind. I believe this man forgot to Man up as you will.

SailingBum -> RE: Need a Master's advice...... (2/28/2012 10:40:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss Stella - I just sent you a note on the other side. Please check on it. :) sunshine Great new tag line. waves BadOne

SailingBum -> RE: Need a Master's advice...... (2/28/2012 10:49:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SirWforkitten At the risk of being censored, these types of doms fuckin piss me off. No where does it stipulate that a sub must finance a trip to see him. For what it's worth, I consider he should of either financed your trip or at the very least gone half of it all. I do have a hard time wrapping my head around the whole two years part. He never once attempted to fly himself to see you?. I would not dream of my kitten flying by herself at the beginning into the unknown. I made the first foray and away we went from there. Protection of a sub or even a prospective sub should be first and foremost on a dom's mind. I believe this man forgot to Man up as you will. Oh Boy here we go again yet another righteous dom. Flying alone is so so sc sca scary I think I waited until my kids we 7 or 8 before I let the fly without me being there. Tho I must admit the flight crew did watch over them...kinda but that's another story Last time I checked the OP was an adult. She dipped into the fire and got burnt. It happens. BadOne

SirWforkitten -> RE: Need a Master's advice...... (2/29/2012 12:51:08 PM)
Most certainly the op is an adult. I have no issues with your reply with the exception of the righteous part. I have my ways, you have yours, neither is more right than the other. Hindsight being 50 50 and all, I do realize she is a grown woman. My reasoning more or less comes from the issue of a woman, submissive or not being the one flying into an unknown situation. Once I had established the trust in my sub by way of taking the flight there, our dynamic was and is able to further develop to the point where we now take turns flying back and forth. As well, I should of noted that the distance traveled, North America to Europe or Australia etc would also factor into it. I was speaking more to a trust building issue in that she had trust enough to fly and it was not returned. Once again, good point raised SailingBum. Cheers

OsideGirl -> RE: Need a Master's advice...... (2/29/2012 12:57:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SirWforkitten I would not dream of my kitten flying by herself at the beginning into the unknown. You'd be surprised to learn that a whole bunch of us survived and were safe with a "d" in our lives. I've flown all over world by myself.

chatterbox24 -> RE: Need a Master's advice...... (2/29/2012 1:11:47 PM)
Ok, Now I can really tell you about a FIRST CLASS JERK.......... lol IM sorry it was a huge disappointment, and he did treat you bad, he could have acted like a friend since you came all that way and had spoke for 2 yrs. it was plain shitty. Just pull up your big girl pants puff up your chest and think lesson learned. It could have been worse, truly. Keep looking and good luck!!

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