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How do I tell him? - 2/11/2012 2:42:56 PM   
Ariana1976


Posts: 1
Joined: 2/11/2012
Status: offline 		Hi Everyone! I've been in a relationship with an awesome man I really, really like. The thing is, I don't know how to tell him or let him know that I perhaps enjoy some sort of D/s and I'd like to try that. I know I like being submissive in bed, and he enjoys being rough, but I don't know how to take it to another level, both in bed and in real life. I did hint and we spoke about me perhaps needing something different, and he was all ears, but that was in the very beginning of our relationship. I trust him very much and he is someone I look up to..all d like to know is how and where do I go with him from here? Thank you all very much for your help. Ari x
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RE: How do I tell him? - 2/11/2012 2:48:12 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ariana1976

Hi Everyone! I've been in a relationship with an awesome man I really, really like. The thing is, I don't know how to tell him or let him know that I perhaps enjoy some sort of D/s and I'd like to try that. I know I like being submissive in bed, and he enjoys being rough, but I don't know how to take it to another level, both in bed and in real life. I did hint and we spoke about me perhaps needing something different, and he was all ears, but that was in the very beginning of our relationship. I trust him very much and he is someone I look up to..all d like to know is how and where do I go with him from here? Thank you all very much for your help. Ari x


The best way is to simply tell him exactly what you are looking for in the relationship. It's either something that he's willing to explore, or he's not. Better to know now.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to Ariana1976)
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RE: How do I tell him? - 2/11/2012 2:56:19 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I agree with Irish. If he has questions there are some good books: The Loving Dominant and When someone you love is kinky.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: How do I tell him? - 2/11/2012 3:02:31 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline 		In addition to the books, I'd also suggest each of you fill out a bdsm checklist, then compare notes. Great way to start a discussion. Good luck. Enjoy the journey!

< Message edited by MistressDarkArt -- 2/11/2012 3:05:16 PM >

(in reply to Ariana1976)
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RE: How do I tell him? - 2/11/2012 3:11:58 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		It appears as if you're not sure exactly how to open the conversation. It is awkward but the sooner you do it the better, because the longer you wait the more he'll think you lied to him.

Say something on the order of "There's something I have been afraid to talk to you about. I'm afraid you'll reject me or criticize me and that's why I haven't been entirely open. I'm sure you've noticed that I really enjoy it when you take charge in bed, even when it gets sort of rough. I was wondering if you have any drive in being the major decision maker in the relationship? Because that's what I prefer."


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: How do I tell him? - 2/11/2012 6:25:24 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ariana1976

Hi Everyone! I've been in a relationship with an awesome man I really, really like. The thing is, I don't know how to tell him or let him know that I perhaps enjoy some sort of D/s and I'd like to try that. I know I like being submissive in bed, and he enjoys being rough, but I don't know how to take it to another level, both in bed and in real life. I did hint and we spoke about me perhaps needing something different, and he was all ears, but that was in the very beginning of our relationship. I trust him very much and he is someone I look up to..all d like to know is how and where do I go with him from here? Thank you all very much for your help. Ari x



Tell him he hits like a girl.

(in reply to Ariana1976)
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RE: How do I tell him? - 2/11/2012 10:32:39 PM   
tweakabelle


Posts: 7522
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline 		If you both enjoy porn, a BDSM movie is a great way to bring the subject up.

If porn isn't your cup of tea, a more mainstream movie like "The Secretary" (is that what it was called?) with a BDSM theme can work just as effectively.

I mean everyone talks about the movie afterwards don't they?

_____________________________



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RE: How do I tell him? - 2/11/2012 11:00:42 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ariana1976

Hi Everyone! I've been in a relationship with an awesome man I really, really like. The thing is, I don't know how to tell him or let him know that I perhaps enjoy some sort of D/s and I'd like to try that. I know I like being submissive in bed, and he enjoys being rough, but I don't know how to take it to another level, both in bed and in real life. I did hint and we spoke about me perhaps needing something different, and he was all ears, but that was in the very beginning of our relationship. I trust him very much and he is someone I look up to..all d like to know is how and where do I go with him from here? Thank you all very much for your help. Ari x



The suggestion of using movies is a wonderful idea.

http://netflixcommunity.ning.com/group/movieswithakink

http://blogs.westword.com/showandtell/2011/09/top_ten_best_bdsm_movies.php

These two are a good beginning to a list. It all depends on what you want to explore and how you wish to introduce the idea. You dont even have to mention the kink. Watch them with him and see what makes him tick.

You can also begin by asking about his fantasies. All men have them. The bext time to approach this was, for me, when he was feeling all sexy and hungry. Lights off helps if he, or you, are shy about the topic. The dark seems to allow us to speak about topics we may not otherwise wish to reveal.

But you have to discover what turns you on first. For example, if his kink is gang bangs, and you are dead set against it, it simply wont work. Over the years, I learned to let go of some preconceived ideas about what subjects I wouldnt consider. And, remember, some fantasies are just there to titillate. One guy I knew would get extremely hot at the idea that I would be willing to be a sex toy for others, yet the reality was he was so totally monogamous that sharing wasnt in his vocabulary. The fantasy was enough. Playing on that fantasy while in bed with him, alone of course, made for some extremely interesting, and exhausting, nights.

Also remember, you should be happy in the relationship as well as him. Explore, have fun, buy a pair of handcuffs and a silk tie... meet him with both at the door.. and nothing else.... you may be surprised at the outcome.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Ariana1976)
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RE: How do I tell him? - 2/12/2012 6:06:26 AM   
Kirata


Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ariana1976

The thing is, I don't know how to tell him or let him know that I perhaps enjoy some sort of D/s...

Since you feel awkward talking about it, just start saying "Yes Sir" at opportune moments.

If that doesn't cause a light to go on, the wiring probably isn't there.

K.

(in reply to Ariana1976)
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RE: How do I tell him? - 2/12/2012 8:27:49 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		"hints", vague innuendo, and similar strategies are going to fail both you and he here. Can you even articulate what you want, specifically, to yourself? I'd start there. What is "another level"? And what is "some sort of "D/s"? You don't need to tell me. Make sure you can answer those questions crisply to yourself first, then say them to him.

(in reply to Ariana1976)
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RE: How do I tell him? - 2/12/2012 9:15:00 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ariana1976

Hi Everyone! I've been in a relationship with an awesome man I really, really like. The thing is, I don't know how to tell him or let him know that I perhaps enjoy some sort of D/s and I'd like to try that. I know I like being submissive in bed, and he enjoys being rough, but I don't know how to take it to another level, both in bed and in real life. I did hint and we spoke about me perhaps needing something different, and he was all ears, but that was in the very beginning of our relationship. I trust him very much and he is someone I look up to..all d like to know is how and where do I go with him from here? Thank you all very much for your help. Ari x



Crawl leashed and naked to him with a pair of cuffs in your mouth, drop em at his feet and tell him you are his, to do with as he wishes, however he wishes, as often as he wishes.
But mention that you need him to take control, to use you, make you his, then offer him the leash.
Trust me, I've had it happen. It's an incredibly erotic moment


_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to Ariana1976)
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RE: How do I tell him? - 2/12/2012 10:29:59 AM   
Kirata


Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

Crawl leashed and naked to him with a pair of cuffs in your mouth, drop em at his feet and tell him you are his, to do with as he wishes, however he wishes, as often as he wishes.

If that doesn't cause a light to go on, he's dead.

K.

(in reply to Kana)
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RE: How do I tell him? - 2/12/2012 10:43:14 AM   
happylittlepet


Posts: 289
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana
Crawl leashed and naked to him with a pair of cuffs in your mouth, drop em at his feet and tell him you are his, to do with as he wishes, however he wishes, as often as he wishes.
But mention that you need him to take control, to use you, make you his, then offer him the leash.
Trust me, I've had it happen. It's an incredibly erotic moment

Unless/until he says no.


_____________________________

There are no rules, there is only compassion.

Simple religion:
There is no need for temples,
No need for complicated philosophies
My brain and my heart are my temples
My philosophy is kindness (DL)

'There's a fire burning in my heart'

(in reply to Kana)
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RE: How do I tell him? - 2/12/2012 2:32:13 PM   
Higuysitsme


Posts: 127
Joined: 12/10/2011
From: Sheffield, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana


quote:

ORIGINAL: Ariana1976

Hi Everyone! I've been in a relationship with an awesome man I really, really like. The thing is, I don't know how to tell him or let him know that I perhaps enjoy some sort of D/s and I'd like to try that. I know I like being submissive in bed, and he enjoys being rough, but I don't know how to take it to another level, both in bed and in real life. I did hint and we spoke about me perhaps needing something different, and he was all ears, but that was in the very beginning of our relationship. I trust him very much and he is someone I look up to..all d like to know is how and where do I go with him from here? Thank you all very much for your help. Ari x



Crawl leashed and naked to him with a pair of cuffs in your mouth, drop em at his feet and tell him you are his, to do with as he wishes, however he wishes, as often as he wishes.
But mention that you need him to take control, to use you, make you his, then offer him the leash.
Trust me, I've had it happen. It's an incredibly erotic moment



It may not work so well though if he has no idea about what is involved in being dominant, rather than just rough. Once you know what you want and would enjoy, you will need to be sure he actually understands how to deliver it, even if he's willing. A spanking is one thing; but getting all hell beaten out of you by someone who thinks that's what its all about isn't specially erotic; unless that's your thing. The films listed above are interesting; but absolutely none of them shows how real bdsm works. they are generally about pretty serious abuse. Even The Secretary is pretty hard core; she doesn't get warmed up, for example; he just belts her! And the end scene is pretty stupid. You're going to need to work out what you want, find out if he's interested in being part of it, and then do some work together on finding out how to actually deliver. Read - look up the booklists - and talk to people more on the boards.

_____________________________

'Be humble, because you are made of Earth;
Be noble, because you are made of Stardust.'
Navaho saying.

'There is no way to peace and happiness;
Peace and happiness is the way.'
The Buddha

(in reply to Kana)
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RE: How do I tell him? - 2/12/2012 2:44:31 PM   
Kracker


Posts: 4
Joined: 12/18/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ariana1976

Hi Everyone! I've been in a relationship with an awesome man I really, really like. The thing is, I don't know how to tell him or let him know that I perhaps enjoy some sort of D/s and I'd like to try that. I know I like being submissive in bed, and he enjoys being rough, but I don't know how to take it to another level, both in bed and in real life. I did hint and we spoke about me perhaps needing something different, and he was all ears, but that was in the very beginning of our relationship. I trust him very much and he is someone I look up to..all d like to know is how and where do I go with him from here? Thank you all very much for your help. Ari x


My wife and I have recently started exploring BDSM in the bedroom and have been flirting with it for much longer. My opinion is that the best way isn't through some grand production, but through open communication. Let him know what you think you are interested in and what you have or haven't done in the past.

A good place to start, and something my wife and I did early in our movement to BDSM, is download a "Fetish Checklist" and go though it together. You can either do it separately and then discuss or do it together. This simple exercise open the communication and helps you each get a feel for what the other likes.

Something else we've done is give the other an assignment to find a specific porn video (spanking, bondage, rough sex, forced oral, whatever) and then discuss what we each liked or didn't.

Lastly, and most important, is we routinely "debrief" our scenes. This way we can determine what worked, what didn't, what we want to do again, what we want to do more of, etc.

I recommend proceeding slowly and with baby steps. You have the rest of your life to fully explore all aspects of "bedroom play." A common mistake is to jump in too quickly and want to experience it all "right now." The danger in this is that you have nowhere to go and you run the risk of overrunning someone's boundaries and forcing a strong adverse reaction. Good luck and have fun.

(in reply to Ariana1976)
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RE: How do I tell him? - 2/13/2012 5:33:35 AM   
Exidor


Posts: 135
Joined: 12/31/2011
Status: offline 		Look around the internet and find some BDSM short stories that show the kind of thing you want. Edit them as needed and print them out.

Next time he leaves, hand him one in a sealed envelope and tell him it's something to remind him of you while you're apart. Or it's study material for next time you get together. Whatever seems appropriate.


This way, you can select precisely what you want to show him, and the disconnection reduces the possibility of automatic rejection.

(in reply to Kracker)
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RE: How do I tell him? - 2/13/2012 6:02:43 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		While I really do like Kana's suggestion (and for Pete's sake... if you did that the coin would surely drop!) but your op suggests that you've got a pretty groovy thing going on, so I'm pretty sure that having a good natter with him ought to do the trick.

Just tell him what things would give you a buzz and take it from there....

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to Ariana1976)
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