threats

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sweetkitten42 -> threats (2/11/2012 5:22:19 PM)
Hi, I have been with my Master for over 2 years now and it is usually very good. Sometimes if I am not doing as I am told or not up to his standards he threatens to leave and never come back. For example: today we played very intense and he didn't like that I couldn't keep still or stop making noises, he said that he would leave and never come back twice. As soon as he left, I couldn't stop crying and had to take a ativan to relax. So is this my weakness? is it emotional abuse? or nothing at all? [/size]

OsideGirl -> RE: threats (2/11/2012 5:36:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetkitten42 Sometimes if I am not doing as I am told or not up to his standards he threatens to leave and never come back. For example: today we played very intense and he didn't like that I couldn't keep still or stop making noises, he said that he would leave and never come back twice. As soon as he left, I couldn't stop crying and had to take a ativan to relax. So is this my weakness? is it emotional abuse? or nothing at all? It's called "emotional blackmail" and yes...it's considered emotional abuse.

DesFIP -> RE: threats (2/11/2012 6:59:40 PM)
The only way out of a blackmail situation is to refuse to pay. Next time he threatens, open the door for him. It does not at all speak well of anyone that they can only get compliance through blackmail. That they are unable to teach you to do what they want or explain it well enough that you become capable of doing so. This is damaging to your well being. I hope you realize that you deserve a lot more, and go find it.

kalikshama -> RE: threats (2/11/2012 7:02:53 PM)
quote: It's called "emotional blackmail" and yes...it's considered emotional abuse. This ^^

Nobody84 -> RE: threats (2/11/2012 7:05:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP The only way out of a blackmail situation is to refuse to pay. Next time he threatens, open the door for him. It does not at all speak well of anyone that they can only get compliance through blackmail. That they are unable to teach you to do what they want or explain it well enough that you become capable of doing so. This is damaging to your well being. I hope you realize that you deserve a lot more, and go find it. Don't be so dramatic.

TallHotBodyChick -> RE: threats (2/11/2012 7:17:05 PM)
Leave his ass. I notice some people use that the lifestyle so they can take advantage of others. Don't settle for the bs. You are better that that. Keep that up and soon he will want your full pay check.

angelikaJ -> RE: threats (2/11/2012 7:19:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Nobody84 quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP The only way out of a blackmail situation is to refuse to pay. Next time he threatens, open the door for him. It does not at all speak well of anyone that they can only get compliance through blackmail. That they are unable to teach you to do what they want or explain it well enough that you become capable of doing so. This is damaging to your well being. I hope you realize that you deserve a lot more, and go find it. Don't be so dramatic. Hey Sparky, Some people are not equipped for blackmail 'play'; emotional or otherwise. IF this was even play at all then it was only play for him; it kind of stops being play when one party becomes this upset. Responsible Masters don't want to break their toys, then they can't play with them. My Master has very occasionally said things during play and when He suspected they weren't sitting well with me, He clarified so that I knew it was play. You love humiliation play; not everyone does. Don't judge things by what you can personally handle.

angelikaJ -> RE: threats (2/11/2012 7:23:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetkitten42 Hi, I have been with my Master for over 2 years now and it is usually very good. Sometimes if I am not doing as I am told or not up to his standards he threatens to leave and never come back. For example: today we played very intense and he didn't like that I couldn't keep still or stop making noises, he said that he would leave and never come back twice. As soon as he left, I couldn't stop crying and had to take a ativan to relax. So is this my weakness? is it emotional abuse? or nothing at all? [/size] Have you tried talking to him about it? What has he said, has he explained why he has started using that? Is this new or has it happened since the beginning?

kalikshama -> RE: threats (2/11/2012 7:24:37 PM)
Well, there may be middle ground between taking his shit and leaving his ass. Try some conscious communication: When X happens, I feel Y and What I specifically need from you is Z. http://www.chopra.com/communication 1. Identify the event that triggered your emotional upset. Describe what happened, being as objective as possible. Just outline the facts as if you were an outside observer. For example, saying, “My husband is never on time,” is less useful than saying “He agreed to meet at the movie theater at 7pm and didn’t show up until 7:30.” 2. Take responsibility for your feelings. When describing your feelings, choose words that express the sensations you are experiencing, such as "I feel sad, lonely, frustrated, or jealous." Avoid words that reinforce a sense of victimization: “I feel neglected, betrayed, or rejected.” When you take responsibility for your emotions, you are informing rather than blaming the people in your life. 3. Identify what you need that you are not receiving. As infants, we had caregivers trying to figure out what we needed because we could not identify our needs and communicate them ourselves. As adults, we subconsciously expect our loved ones to know what we need and spontaneously provide it. This rarely happens. You are much more likely to get your needs met if you can identify them yourself and communicate them clearly. 4. Ask for what you want.What specific behaviors or actions would fulfill your needs? For example, if you want more attention from your partner, do not ask him or her to just spend more time with you; ask to take a walk after dinner, or go to a movie on Saturday night. Express your need in the form of a request rather than a demand. We all have an inherent impulse to resist demands, whereas our self-esteem is raised when we are able to fulfill requests.

OsideGirl -> RE: threats (2/11/2012 7:25:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Nobody84 quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP The only way out of a blackmail situation is to refuse to pay. Next time he threatens, open the door for him. It does not at all speak well of anyone that they can only get compliance through blackmail. That they are unable to teach you to do what they want or explain it well enough that you become capable of doing so. This is damaging to your well being. I hope you realize that you deserve a lot more, and go find it. Don't be so dramatic. She's actually correct. If the only way he can get compliance is by instilling fear of abandonment, he's not really a dominant.

Focus50 -> RE: threats (2/11/2012 7:26:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Nobody84 quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP The only way out of a blackmail situation is to refuse to pay. Next time he threatens, open the door for him. It does not at all speak well of anyone that they can only get compliance through blackmail. That they are unable to teach you to do what they want or explain it well enough that you become capable of doing so. This is damaging to your well being. I hope you realize that you deserve a lot more, and go find it. Don't be so dramatic. If you wanna get involved, the polite thing would be to ante-up first - by addressing the topic with an original opinion of your own. There's no points to had from hurling abuse at those who actually put themselves out there and participate. Just makes you the loud-mouth yob barracking from the bleachers.... Focus.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: threats (2/11/2012 7:29:04 PM)
It's a good idea to try talking it over and give him an opportunity to change his behavior, but it's been my experiennce that people who treat you this way have issues that keep them from caring how you feel anyway, unless they stand to gain from it. I don't bother with emotional blackmailers. They have to care about your feelings I order to change, and emotional blackmail is possible because they don't.

Focus50 -> RE: threats (2/11/2012 7:37:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetkitten42 Hi, I have been with my Master for over 2 years now and it is usually very good. Sometimes if I am not doing as I am told or not up to his standards he threatens to leave and never come back. For example: today we played very intense and he didn't like that I couldn't keep still or stop making noises, he said that he would leave and never come back twice. As soon as he left, I couldn't stop crying and had to take a ativan to relax. So is this my weakness? is it emotional abuse? or nothing at all? Yep, it's emotional blackmail = abuse. If personal pride and self-esteem are important to you, you need to call him on it and point him to the door etc. Frankly, it shows him to have a dubious character, anyway, and you should seriously consider punting his sorry arse for keeps. Focus.

littlewonder -> RE: threats (2/11/2012 8:15:05 PM)
There have been more than a few times where I wasn't thrilled about something or hesitant about something or he felt I was not controlling myself which is a requirement with him, he would not threaten but he would tell me in no uncertain terms that I was more than free enough to leave if I felt I could not be his slave in the manner I agreed to when I agreed to be his slave. But I don't cry, I don't get all stressed out and anxious or anything like that. I just simply apologize and do better. I knew what his terms were going in and he will not hold me here beyond my will. Why would he want a slave that isn't happy or doesn't have the integrity to live by the standards that I walked into with both eyes open and aware? So my question is, when he threatened to leave, what were the extenuating circumstances? I'm not going to say he's blackmailing you. I'm not going to say he's a jerk or that you did anything wrong either. I'm saying what are the standards of your relationship? Do you WANT to be his slave/sub? Are you happy where you're at? Is he happy with the way things are? If you can't answer these questions or you don't know then it's time to have a long talk with your Dom and possibly reassess your relationship standards.

lizi -> RE: threats (2/11/2012 8:27:28 PM)
A threat is never where you want to go right off the bat, in fact it's pretty much where you never want to go - the only thing you can do after you make a threat is carry it out or not. It's the end of the line with no way out. If he threatens and doesn't carry it out, then he's a liar, and his word doesn't mean a thing. Therefore you don't make threats unless you are going to make them happen. Did he come back after leaving? If not, is he going to at some point in time like tomorrow perhaps? If he does he's a liar. How can you trust a liar to lead you? I learned quickly to never make threats with my children unless it was indeed the end of the line with no other solutions, because gosh darn it, I'd have to carry the darned thing out and make it stick if I ever wanted to keep their respect. This man sounds weak to me if this is his solution to things, the weak bully and threaten, the strong lead. Sorry for the blanket application here, but it's pretty much the truth of it. You asked if this was your weakness, I'd say not. I don't think anyone reacts well to overly dramatic scenarios and feeling like you caused a major problem for something rather small. I'd have a problem if my partner threatened me and walked out, I don't think I'd consider myself to have an emotional problems by reacting badly to that. Is it emotional abuse? I don't know whether to call it that, but I would call it very immature and ineffective, and indicative of poor leadership. Someone who practiced this type of tactic wouldn't interest me in the least, we'd be on completely different planes of thinking.

tj444 -> RE: threats (2/11/2012 8:30:16 PM)
I have been with someone like that before and never again for me. That is why I will not be a slave again, or even a sub (other than in the bedroom).. I dont like someone pushing past my limits and then tell me to leave because I cant take more... I want a saner relationship than that.. I am gun shy now and it will take getting to know someone quite well, making as sure as i can that he has the temperment i need, before i agree to be with him. Once you get sucked into the vortex and become attached to someone you are screwed if he is the wrong guy, its live that life or leave... Thats just been my experience, at any rate..

hausboy -> RE: threats (2/11/2012 8:47:08 PM)
emotional abuse. it's one thing to say "Im not pleased" or "I'm disappointed with your performance" but threatening to leave? That's just some sick game playing yo-yo with your emotions and it's obviously hurtful. the "offenses" you mentioned are petty--way out of proportion to the threat of walking out. I'd give him the same ultimatum: next time he threatens to leave, you'll take him up on the offer.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: threats (2/11/2012 8:50:34 PM)
To me, they're different things, tj444. I donn't see it as a slave thinng, but as a person reacting in an uncreative, unthoughtful way. It happens to vanillas, too. Like you said, though, it's important to see if the person has a temperment that you can jive with. There's a difference between emotional blackmail and being pushed in accordance to the expectations of someone (a hypothetical Master) with a balanced temperment. I'm okay with pushing; there's a big part of me that needs that. I'm "happy" feeling that kind of control and power over me. But it's the "leave and never come back" - to me, it's childish. It's like "I'm taking my toys and going home." :p Granted, as we've been reminded by another thread, there are always multiple sides to any story - she could be perceiving the events as more extreme than they are because of her own insecurities or whatever. But the "leave and never come back" is... hm... ineffective, and a sign of weakness, to me, as a first resort.

tj444 -> RE: threats (2/11/2012 10:25:17 PM)
That may be so,.. but for me, i cant put myself in that vulnerable position again.. and to me, being a slave is to do exactly that.. If i meet the right guy, and we are very compatible and he turns out to be what i want and need, then i might allow myself to be more subby in daily life,.. but definately not 100%.. It makes finding the right one considerably harder, especially with other requirements i have.. but thats ok,.. i would rather stay single than be with Mr/Master Wrong..

JstAnotherSub -> RE: threats (2/12/2012 8:55:15 AM)
I get to use this twice in 1 day. Tell him to not let the door hit him where the good lord split him. Someone would only threaten to leave me once. Then they would be gone.

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